We should have just played bored games!
by Jacob is so mine
Summary: Everyone is extremely bored so they decide to play a game of truth or dare.It gets really crazy...there going to all wish they never agreed to this.I know there are alot of these already but i swear this one is hilarious and very original
1. Oh no Esme didn't!

**It was a very boring day at the Cullen house, Bella was over and there was nothing to do……..**

"So Bella, what do you want to do?" Alice asked, she was so bored she was playing with her purse.

"Alice what are you doing?" Bella asked looking at her strangely.

"I'm reading the labels." Alice said her head half in her purse.

"Why?" Bella asked confused.

"Because I'm just that bored, I need something to do or I'm going to go insane!!!!" She screamed throwing her purse in the air.

"I know what we can do!!" Emmett said coming into the room.

"Hey, who threw this?" Edward said coming in behind Emmett with Alice's purse. Everyone just started laughing.

"Oh Edward would you shut up!!! Can't you see I'm in the middle of saying something?" Emmett said throwing the purse at him again.

"Hey, that hurt, Alice what the heck do you keep in this thing?" Edward asked.

"Nothing really, just eye shadow, a mirror, lip gloss, a hair brush, eye liner, hair clips, a bow, lipstick, a comb, a pen, paper-"

"Alice, it doesn't really matter!!!! I need to get back to what I was saying" Emmett said stopping Alice in mid sentence.

"Ok fine….get on with whatever it was you were going to tell us." Alice said taking her purse back from Edward.

"Let's all play truth or dare!!!!!!!!" Emmett screamed and everyone came running in.

"No, no, no way!!!! Not after what happened last time!!!" Esme said as she took off her oven mitts."

"Esme, why do you have oven mitts on?" Bella asked.

"Yah Esme, what were you doing?" Jasper asked coming behind her.

"Gosh!!! Can't a mother cook for her children?!?!?!" Esme screamed throwing the oven mitts in the air.

"Gosh, must everything fall on me!!!!!" Edward screamed to the world taking the oven mitts off his head.

"Oh Edward, for the last time will you shut up!!! It's time to play truth or dare!!!!" Emmett yelled so loud Charlie could probably hear from the police station.

"Emmett I already said no!!!! Do you have no memory of what happened last time you made everyone play truth or dare?" Esme asked.

"Oh Esme, I promise we won't break the kitchen again." Emmett pleated.

"How do you break a whole kitchen?" Bella asked Edward very confused, at this point of knowing the Cullen's for almost two years you think she would just go along with it and not ask questions.

"Umm…you don't want to know." Edward whispered back.

"Please Esme, please, please, please!!!!" Emmett begged getting on his hands and knees. "Come on, you know how much fun you had last time."

"Alright…but if were going to do this were going outside this time….way off in the woods and I'm not talking about anywhere near the garden." Esme said setting strict rules this time.

"Oh alright fine, come on everybody lets go." Emmett said skipping outside like a silly little girl. "This is gonna be so much fun, so much fun, so much fun, this is gonna be so much fun oh yes, oh yes it is!!!" Emmett sang.

"Emmett did you just change the words to marry had a little lamb?" Rosalie asked.

"May…be…"

"I kinda like it." Alice said singing and skipping along. "This is gonna be so much fun, so much fun, so much fun." They both sang.

"Alice, Emmett could you please shut up!!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Hey, now you sound like me." Emmett yelled.

"I do not."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Oh will you guys shut up I want to start!!!!" Esme yelled.

"Wow Esme, I thought you didn't want to play." Bella said.

"Well…they got me started now so please will you two just shut up so we can start already?" Esme pleated.

"Sure, ok Esme you can go first." Emmett said. You could see the excitement building in his face.

"Alright………um….oh I know-" Before she could finish Jacob and Seth came out of the woods.

"Hey guys, whatcha doing?" Seth asked coming over.

"We were just about to play truth or dare, you want to join us?" Esme asked.

"Sure." Jake and Seth said sitting down.

"Great, this will be more fun now." Esme said with an evil smile. Bella could tell it was directed at her, she just had no idea what Esme was going to say.

"Ok Bella, truth or dare?" Esme asked still smiling evilly, that smile scared the whole family.

"Ummmm……gosh this is hard……dare...no truth….no dare….i don't know!!!!" Bella said very afraid of what was to come.

"Well you said dare first so……..bum, bum, bum!!!"

"Esme please just hurry up!!!" Bella said, she just really wanted to get this over with…whatever it was.

"Ok fine gosh pushy…as I was saying Bella I dare you to show Edward how much you really love him."

"Esme, you know she can't, I don't want to kill her, I have limits." Edward yelled.

"I wasn't finished, I want you to show how much you love Edward…..with Jacob." Esme said while laughing evilly. Everyone in the yard looked a mixture of worry and wonder. Was she actually going to do it?

"Wait, I'm confused? You want me to kiss Jacob?" Bella asked. She knew what she had to do but she just couldn't believe it.

"Um well actually I was thinking about more then kissing…." Esme said still smiling.

"Well how far do you want me to go?" Bella asked.

"As far as Jacob wants to go" Esme said looking at Jacob. Jacob was smiling, not an evil smile but a very horny one; you could see him spacing out. Everyone knew what he was thinking about, especially Edward.

"Stop shouting your little fantasies at me, Jacob your such a pervert!!' Edward yelled.

"You don't have to look threw my thoughts, go search someone else's mind would you!!!" Jacob yelled back.

"Bella, would you get on with it already?" Esme asked.

"I guess-" Bella started.

"Wait, everyone stop, I have to catch everything from this night on video camera!!" Alice said running inside to get the camera. Two seconds later she was back. Ok guys, you can start now. Alice said pointing the camera at Jacob and Bella.

'Oh my God, I can't believe I have to do this.' Bella thought as she walked over to Jacob who was still smiling his horny smile.

"Jacob stand up." Bella said.

"Why?" he asked confused.

"Because, if I have to do this I'm not going to lay on top of you!" Bella yelled.

"Wait Bella, would you normally lay on top of Edward?" Esme asked.

"Oh Esme you do not know how much I hate you right now." Bella said threw her teeth.

"Ok Jacob, lay down on the ground." Esme said laughing, you could hear Alice giggling behind the camera as well. Emmett and Jasper were staring at each other in amazement while Edward was covering his eyes and rocking back and forth on the ground saying, "la, la, la, this is not happening, it's all just a horrible dream."

"Oh silly Edward, vampires can't sleep, this is really happening" Emmett said trying to be reassuring, he thought he was helping.

"Now come on Edward, your going to want to see this, get your hands out of your face." Emmett said trying to prey Edward's fingers away from his eyes.

"No, I don't want to look!!!" He yelled pushing Emmett away so hard he smashed into a tree.

"It's ok Emmett, I'm going to get it on tape, he can just see it later." Alice said pushing the zoom button on the camera.

"Bella, are you going to do this or what?" Esme asked.

"Do what? I am not going to do it with Jacob you can just forget it!!!!" Bella yelled, she was getting really paranoid.

"Gosh Bella, just get it over with already would you?" Esme yelled.

"Alright fine" Bella said slowly leaning over Jacob.

"No, no, get on top of him, or do you want him on top of you?" Esme said, she was acting really horny and out of character at this point, guess she was just really getting into the game. Who knew she enjoyed the pain of others so much?

"Come on Bella, you can do it." Esme said laughing.

"Not funny Esme." Bella said nowstraddling Jacob.

"All the way down Bella, come on, and don't forget to use your tong...oh and-"

"Esme, don't say it!!!" Edward mumbled threw his teeth. He was going insane.

"But."

"Esme!!!"

"Fine…." Esme said upset but still kind of satisfied on how this was turning out.

Bella was down on top of Jacob but they really weren't doing much, just making out….well they were trying but Esme kept yelling, "Jacob, take off your pants!!!!!"

"What is wrong with you?" Carlisle asked desperately trying to shut her up. Before Esme could answer Jacob and Bella went rolling down the big hill…guess they were really getting into this.

"Edward still had his eyes closed but you could see him peak every couple of seconds to see what was going on…if anything was going on. Everyone was really surprised Edward hadn't stopped this yet, I mean they had been on top of each other for almost five minutes now. But who was counting…..Esme.

Edward wasn't the only one freaking out though, Jasper was curled up in a betel position mumbling, "Too much emotion!!!" Esme actually got four people with one dare, she was on an evil roll today.

When everyone figured they weren't coming back they all ran down the hill to see what was going on.

"Oh my God, I told you, I told she would." Esme whispered when she saw Bella starting to unzip Jacob's pants.

"Ok, that is enough!!!!!" Jasper said braking them up, I can't take all this freaking lust anymore, can we please just more onto the next dare?" Jasper asked very upset, he was getting a head ach from all this emotion.

"Ok." Jacob said.

"Yah, fine, sure, good idea." Bella said slowly lifting herself off of Jacob.

When she got back up the hill she went to sit next to Edward. "Bella, did you lose your virginity?" Edward asked.

"No, of course not, I would never go that far, I didn't even like it." Bella said trying to convince him.

"Oh really?" He asked sarcastically.

"Really." She answered doing her best to lie but Edward of course, could see right threw her.

"Oh yah, then why did you start taking off his pants?" Edward asked.

"I did not…." Bella answered.

"I saw you Bella…well I didn't see you but I could see what Jacob saw, what he was thinking, if Jasper didn't break it up…"

"Edward, it was just a dare, gosh I had some fun get over it, if you could give me what I wanted I wouldn't have to go to other people!!"

"Could you guys stop fighting, we need to get back to the game." Emmett yelled.

"Alright fine, Edward truth or dare?"

**Authors note: Um ok so that was chapter 1 tell me what you think, I know this first chapter is kind of un original but I really wanted to have a Jacob Bella dare…… **


	2. Edward, Mike, Jessica what the hell?

**Authors note: Thanks for reading people anyway hears chapter 2 hope you enjoy……..**

"So Edward truth or dare?" Bella asked again.

"Edward, pick dare oh please, please pick dare, I just saw how funny it's going to be and I really want to catch it on camera!!!" Alice yelled excitedly

"Yah, come on Edward, you afraid?" Emmett yelled.

"Well if he's not you should be." Alice said laughing.

"Why, oh God, what's going to happen? Are you going to make me make out with Edward please don't do that Bella, please, no!!!! Wait does the dare even involve me?" Emmett asked confused.

"No Emmett, I'm just trying to get you paranoid." Alice said giggling again. "It makes for a good movie." She said still filming.

"Edward would you hurry up and pick already so we can all get on with our lives!!!" Carlisle yelled he really didn't like this game; he wanted nothing more then for it to be over…and the sooner the better.

"Ok fine…..dare." Edward said looking very afraid, he had no idea of what Bella was capable of, especially when she was mad at him.

"Ok Edward, you know I love you, but I really want to make this horrible….." Bella started.

"Oh God, please don't let it involve Jacob or Emmett, please don't let it involve Jacob or Emmett." He said over and over again.

"Oh don't worry Edward, it involves Jessica." Bella said.

"Oh thank God it's a girl." Edward said happily…to bad Bella wasn't finished with what she was saying.

"And….Mike Newton." Bella finished.

"Oh God, what the Hell do I have to do?" Edward asked, his expression changed from semi happy to very, very worried again.

"Ha, ha, ha, I don't know what it is but I know this is going to be hilarious." Emmett whispered to Jasper. Jasper was getting another head ach from all the worry coming off of Edward.

"Bella, could you please just get on with it?" Edward said trying his best to sound calm…it wasn't working.

"Ok as I was saying, Edward I dare you to go over to Jessica's house and ask her out on a date-"

"That's not so horrible."

"I wasn't finished, when she says yes because of course she will…she loves you, you will go out to dinner with her, eat all the human food and pretend it tastes amazing, you must order a tree course meal-"

"Bella, we don't have that much time." Alice whispered.

"Ok fine, anyway you must order the food that you would say tastes the absolute worst, but you can't throw it up." Bella said.

"Wait, how does this involve Mike?" Edward asked.

"I was getting to that, at the end of the date you must kiss her and then whisper in her ear that you really like her…but the truth is you only asked her out because you want Mike's number and you left me because you realized you were madly in love with him." Bella finished.

"I don't think she'll like that very much……" Edward said.

"Yes I know, maybe she'll throw things at you, but if she does happen to give you Mike's number you must call it while your there, put it on speaker and purpose to him over the phone." Bella said smiling that same evil smile Bella had on earlier.

All Edward could do is stare in shock while Jacob and Emmett burst out into laughter….this was going to be very, very interesting.

"Well we better get to Jessica's house." Alice said getting the keys to the Porsche.

**************

Ten minutes later everyone was packed into Edward, Alice and Emmett's cars…they were going to use Rose's convertible but she didn't want two dogs anywhere near it, so they had very odd parings in the cars….well they weren't too odd but Edward probably didn't like how this plan was set up. Jacob and Bella were in the back of his Volvo…..he was very afraid of what might happen back there……

Emmett, Jasper, and Rose were in Em's Hummer which was kind of unnecessary considering that it was such a huge car and there where only 3 people in it. While Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Seth were all in the Porsche. Alice was driving so she couldn't film but Seth had volunteered which was why he was there, he would have been in the Volvo but Alice insisted he come in the Porsche just to make things as hard on Edward as possible…she was having fun.

"Yeah, were finally hear, your getting this on film Seth, you are right cause I don't want to miss a second, this is going to be hilarious!!!" Alice said she was going completely insane.

"Alice, did you already see everything that's going to happen? She says yes right? Does he get the number?" Seth asked, just being in close proximity to Alice was making him go insane.

"Well she says yes but that's all I'm going to tell you, your going to have to wait and see now shh…..he's going up to the door!!!" Alice said waving her hands for everyone in the car to shut up…even though she was the only one talking.

"Um…hello Jessica, you look beautiful tonight, do you mind if I ask you something?" Edward started awkwardly.

"Sure Edward, what do you want, anything for you." She said pulling him inside and shutting the door.

"Damn it, now how are we going to get this on camera?" Alice asked as she got out of the car to get the video camera closer to the action.

She was now hiding in a near by bush pointing the camera into a small window that lead to the kitchen where they were standing. Everyone else was being very quite so they could listen in.

"Um…as I was saying….would you maybe….um….like to go out to dinner….with me tonight…." Edward asked staring at the ceiling like an idiot.

"Of course, just let me get ready." Jessica said running upstairs at a near vampire speed.

Ten minutes later she was back down and looked almost a beautiful as Rosalie, she almost looked like Rose…which was kind of awkward for Edward considering that was his sister.

"Do I look alright?" Jessica said tugging at her barely there dress…it looks like she really wanted desert.

"You…you look…you look…wow." Edward stuttered.

"Did he just say she looks wow? What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Bella whispered to Jacob as they go out of the Volvo to get into the Hummer, they completely forget that Edward needed to drive to his destination….guess the Hummer wasn't such a stupid idea after all.

"Shh…gosh be quite Bella she probably just looks hot." Jacob said getting into the hummer…..Rosalie was now in between her two favorite people, Jacob and Bella.

"That's it, I'm switching cars!!" Rose said a little too loudly.

"There's a Dog in the Porsche too Blondie." Jacob yell whispered.

"Yah, but he's not as horrible as you!!" Rosalie said getting out.

"Oh so now I'm horrible?" Jacob yell whispered again.

"Would you guys just shut up, there going to hear you!!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett…Shh!!!!" Everyone else whispered.

"Oops...sorry", Emmett said shutting himself up that time.

"Did you hear something?" Jessica asked as she got into the Volvo.

"Um….no….it was probably just the wind." Edward said shutting the door.

"But...it sounded a lot like your brother….and it's not windy", Jessica argued.

"Um…well where do you want to go to dinner?" Edward said changing the subject.

"I don't care, anywhere's good, we could go to that new Italian place if you want, they have a lot of food there, I'm sure you can eat tons." Jessica said.

'Oh great, piles and piles of spaghetti.' Edward thought.

"Where are they going?" Emmett asked. To that new Italian place, I saw it in my vision" Alice said getting into her own car.

*******************

"So, this is nice." Jessica said trying desperately to make conversation…Edward wasn't talking, he was too busy starting at…..um…..Jessica's dress. At this point everyone was in disguise pretending to order dinner so they could watch. They all looked very funny.

Alice was sitting at a table with Jasper wearing a short pink bob wig, she looked just like Lola on Hannah Montana, and her camera was sticking out of her purse disguised as a dog….it actually looked pretty convincing.

Esme and Carlisle were in the back corner of the restaurant, Carlisle had on a black curly wig that made him look a little like Nick Jonas and Esme looked like Hannah Montana…before her new look. While Emmett had on a wig that made him look like a much more muscular Zac Efron.

Jacob looked like Taylor Lautner….hum weird…while Bella had Ashley Tisdal hair and Rose looked like Britney Spears, before she shaved her head of course….

"I could keep this look." Rose said playing with her wig.

"Edward is it just me or do these people in this restaurant look like…" Jessica started.

"My family?" Edward finished.

"No, I was going to say Ashley Tisdal, Zac Efron, Taylor Lautner, Nick Jonas, Britney Spears, Lola, and Hannah Montana." Jessica finished.

'Wow, she really is stupid.' Edward thought. "Umm…yah…anyway we should um…order what do you want?" He asked putting a menu to her face so she wouldn't be able to see his family.

"Um….how about we get a large lasagna and garlic bread." Jessica said putting the menu down. "Um….sure." Edward said taking the menu back and telling the waitress. He could hear Emmett in the background asking Rose, "Dose a bloody Mary actually have blood in it?" 'Well at least Jessica isn't the stupidest one hear' Edward thought.

"Ok, so a Bloody Mary doesn't actually have blood…you think but it might, I'll ask the waitress but any way, the more important question is if I eat garlic bread will I die? You know what they say in the movies about garlic." Emmett started. All Rose could do was roll her eyes…sometimes she questioned how she could be in love with such and idiot…at least he was cute right?

"Excuse me, waitress, does a bloody Mary actually have blood in it?" Emmett asked. "Um…no but would you like one, it does have alcohol." That thought made Emmett's eyes light up could a vampire actually get drunk?

****************

When Edward's food came he couldn't believe how big it was…..how the hell much was he paying? "Wow, this is um…a lot of food." Edward said as he took out his fork, he had very little experience actually using one but he saw people do it before, how hard could it be?

"Um Edward, you use your fork the other way, you have it upside down." Jessica said laughing.

"Oh yah, I knew that." Edward said flipping the fork over as he slowly took a bite of his lasagna. It tasted a mixture of vomit and dirt to him.

"How is it?" Jessica asked.

"Um….good." Edward said ripping off a piece of garlic bread.

"Look at him eating, he looks like he's going to puck any second", Jake whispered to Bella who hadn't stopped looking at his wig during this whole time.

"What?" he asked feeling self conscious.

"Nothing, it's just, your hair looks really…um…wow." She said sounding a lot like Edward did before.

"Are you saying I look hot?" Jacob asked.

"Maybe…" Bella blushed.

"You know, I had a lot of fun earlier, did you?" He asked speaking about the dare from earlier today.

"Um…." She said blushing some more.

"You can say yes Bella, I know you did." Jake said leaning over the both to kiss her.

"Oh my God, not again!!" Edward said looking over at Bella and Jake.

"What? You don't want Taylor Lautner to Kiss Ashley Tisdal?" Jessica asked, God, could she not see there faces?

"Oh nothing...I just don't like this side of the table, you mind of we switch spots." Edward asked so he could put his back to them.

"Um sure…." Jess said getting up a little confused.

*************

When he was finished with dinner Edward stepped out to go to the bathroom so he could puck it all back up.

"Hey, you too?' Emmett asked. He was leaning over another toilet throwing his food up.

"Garlic bread doesn't kill vampires, it just makes them get sick…oh and we can't get drunk…I should have known." Emmett said puking again.

"Very smart Zac", Edward said laughing as Emmett's wig fell off and into the puke filled toilet.

"Awe God." Emmett said sticking his hand in there. Edward left the bathroom after that, he didn't want to see anymore.

It was a long walk back to the table. First he past by Alice, while she was mouthing 'say hi to the camera' then he past by Rose who was sitting by herself awaiting Emmett's return.

"Is he finished yet?" She asked.

"Um…no he's puking, I think he's going to be in there a while." Edward said passing her table, then he got to pass the table he really wanted to….Bella and Jacob's table. They were making out when he got over there so he stepped on Jacob's foot as hard as possible until he squealed like the dog he was.

"Ouch man, what was that about?" Jacob yelled grabbing his foot.

"What do you think mongrel, keep your hands and lips to yourself or you won't have them for much longer." He whispered as he walled back to his own table.

Luckily Jessica hadn't seen him or else he'd have to explain why he had broke Taylor Lautner's foot…..how could she not tell who they really were?

"Hey Jess, you want desert or you ready to go?" He asked prying he didn't have to try to down ice cream.

"Umm, not that kind of desert", she said smiling seductively.

"Oh really." Was all he could say before she started kissing him…..he just hoped he could control himself.

"Oh my God, they've been making out for ten minutes." Alice said pointing the camera at them.

"I know, doesn't that girl need to breath?" Emmett asked looking over. Bella was just in complete shock…though this was all her fault. Jasper keep yelling, "Not again too much emotion", thank God they were the only ones in the restaurant or people would have been really freaked.

"I can't believe I dared him to do this, I'm such an idiot." Bella whined.

"Oh, it's ok Bella; hey you want to make out again?" Jake asked.

"You think it will make him upset?' She asked.

"Well no…I was thinking he's to busy to see right now." Jacob said.

"Um…well I don't know-" Before she could finish they were making out again….

"What is up with all the sucking face around hear?" Esme asked Carlisle.

"Well you did start it dear." Carlisle said stuffing a piece of garlic bread in his mouth.

"Carlisle no!!!" Emmett screamed. "That's garlic!!!" He said knocking it out of his mouth.

"Gosh Emmett, do you have to make such a big scene everywhere we go, you know this is why we don't eat out anymore!!!!" Esme yelled.

"I thought we don't eat out cause we don't eat." Emmett said in return….

"Oh will you just shut up and watch Edward, isn't that what were hear for?" Esme said getting back to watching Edward and Jess who were finally beginning to stop.

"Hey Jess, can I ask you something?" Edward whispered.

"Sure, anything." She answered smiling a very satisfied smile.

"Do you think that maybe you could give me Mike's number?" He asked embarrassed of the next thing he had to say.

"Ummm….sure….but may I ask why?" She said as she put the number into his phone.

"Ummm….well you see the only reason I asked you on this date was….was to…to use you to get Mike…I am madly in love with him and I… I want to do this." Edward said pressing the call button….and the speaker button.

"Hello?" Mike answered.

"Hello Mike."

"Edward? Is that you?" Mike asked confused.

"Yes, Mike I just called to tell you that, that I'm madly in love with you……will you…….marry me?" Edward asked.

Everyone started laughing…except for Jess…now it was her turn to stare in shock.

"Are you serious?" Mike asked very confused.

"Yes, I'm leaving Bella for my true love….you." Edward said sounding afraid of his own words.

"Um….dude, I think your drunk or something, I'm hanging up now." Mike said sounding very, very afraid of Edward, like he was going to come to his house bring him to Vegas and force them to get married…

"OMG I'm so glad I got this on tape." Alice whispered.

"Hey Emmett, why does your wig look all wet and smell like puke?" Rose asked.

"Um…that doesn't matter….lets get back to the game." Emmett said getting up.

"When you were puking you dropped it in the toilet didn't you?" Alice asked.

"Um…maybe….."

"Emmett!!! I paid good money for that wig!!!" Alice said chasing him outside.

"Should I get this on film?" Seth asked…..Funny, everyone forgot Seth was even hear.

"I would if I were you." Rose said pushing him outside, she was just glad to be rid of the dog.

"We should get back to the game." Esme said getting up.

"Ok, but who's going to drive Alice's car and who's going to drive Emmett's cars?" Rose asked.

"I call the Hummer!!!" Esme yelled as Rose and Carlisle got in.

"Come on love birds lets go." Jasper said pulling Jacob and Bella with him and into the Porsche.

*********************

When they got back Emmett and Alice were back in the woods.

"Hey, I thought you guys were fighting?" Bella said coming over.

"Oh, we came to an agreement, right Emmett?" Alice said, Emmett looked very afraid, everyone wondered what had happened but no one wanted to ask.

"Don't worry, I got it on film, you can all see later." Seth said giving the camera back to Alice and stepping as far away from her as possible…..guess it was that bad.

"Hey you guys, we left Edward back there." Bella said finally getting out of her Jake trance.

"Oh Damn, we did."

"Don't worry, he has a car." Emmett said getting back to his normal self.

Before anyone could say anything else Edward was back…..

"Jacob…truth or dare?"

'Oh God, I'm so, dead' Jacob thought.

"You know you are mongrel." Edward said…it was his turn for the evil smile.

**Authors note: Ok so that was chapter two...way more original then chapter 1….I hope anyway please tell me what you think….any ideas for truth or dares you have for anyone I'd love to put them in the story so leave one about anybody if you have anything…and I'm going to do two dares or a truth and a dare for each person so even if it's someone I already did please still give ideas!!!! (= **


	3. Betrayed for 200 dollars

**Authors note: Again thanks so much for reading!!!! Hope you like this story, trying to make this original but tell me if this has been done before…….**

**Or if you just plan hate it…or if you love it LOL just tell me what you think. (= **

"So mongrel choose truth or dare? Are you afraid?" Edward asked evilly.

'Yes' "No!" Jacob said pretty convincingly….too bad Edward could read his mind.

"Yah right….don't worry you won't die…..maybe just of embarrassment but you'll live to tell the tale.

"Well in that case then……truth." Jacob said…it had to be less bad then dare right? WRONG!!!!

"Mawhahahaha!!!! That's exactly what I wanted you to say." Edward laughed evilly.

"Wait...I don't get it? How can I be embarrassed to death of truth?" Jacob asked confused…you couldn't blame him everyone was too. Weren't dares supposedly worse? Well…maybe not when Edward's the one doing them……..the truth can be pretty horrible.

"Well...are you going to ask me a question?" Jacob asked you could see him shaking a little, he had many secrets he didn't want anyone to know….especially about-

"Ok Jacob, answer this I know you don't have a girlfriend…..so have you ever done things with boys….or inanimate objects?" Edward asked. Jacob started blushing a little thinking back to what he'd done with his car……

"What's that you're thinking about Jacob? Now tell us would you like to tell your story about Bella the car…or Bella the stuffed animal? Or how about Bella the life size doll, I'm sure everyone would love to hear that story." Edward said smiling even more evilly then Bella and Esme had before.

"SFBSL" **(if you read my other story you already know what that stands for but if you haven't it's stupid, fu**ing, blood sucking, leech. Ha, ha original or what? LOL...anyway now you know.) **Jacob mumbled as he took a deep breath getting ready to tell his story. Bella was a little afraid about what he was about to say.

"Um…well a while back, I don't do this anymore but a while back I…I used to…to a…..namethingsafterBellaanddothingswiththem." Jacob said in a jumbled mess.

"What's that Jacob could you say that a little slower, we didn't hear." Edward laughed.

"I used to name things after Bella and do things with them, there are you happy?" Jacob asked.

"Umm….not yet, tell us Jake, what exactly did you used to do with these Bella things?" Edward asked. Bella was really blushing of embarrassment now…Though not as badly as Jacob was…it was a funny mixture of colors on his russel skin.

"Nothing really….just things."

"Jacob if you won't tell us we can always pop in the video." Edward said taking a video tape out of his jacket pocket. "I knew this would come in handy some day." Edward snickered.

"I hate you so much…..wait how did you tape that? You were on my land weren't you?" Jacob asked desperately trying to change the subject.

"No, actually mongrel I paid someone for this….someone you know very well….someone your very close to….someone that's hear right now…..your sitting right next to him.

"Emmett I can't believe you would betray me like this!!" Jacob yelled.

"Other side of you genius!!" Edward yelled.

"Huh…Seth…how could you betray me like this….I thought we had something man!!!" Jacob yelled.

"He….he paid me 200 hundred dollars!!!" Seth said worried, Jacob could tare him to pieces at any moment.

"Dude, I'm only worth 200 dollars to you?" Jacob asked getting up. He started to shake but it wasn't from being worried now, he was going to transform…..

"No man….I'm sorry!!!!" Seth said as he started running away.

"You better run!!!" Jacob said chasing after him.

"Wait guys, we have to catch this on film!!!!" Alice said running after them.

**************

"So, what are we going to do now?" Emmett asked.

"Should we watch the video?" Edward asked.

"No, we should wait until they get back." Bella said delaying this as much as possible…..unfortunately for her they were back in less then five minutes.

"Seth, why are you walking like that?" Edward asked.

"Super wedgies…..not fun" Seth said sitting down…well trying.

"Well since your back I guess now would be a great time to play this." Edward said putting the CD into the DVD player.

"Why is that even outside?" Bella asked.

"Um…lets just say sometimes I just know when were going to need to use this." Edward said.

"Oh Edward shut up, you know Esme made us put this out hear so we don't ruin the TV....and living room when we watch movies." Emmett said.

"Gosh Emmett, can't you ever just let me have my moment!!" Edward yelled.

"Ok, sorry……" Emmett said kind of afraid of Edward as well, God knows what dirt he could have on him, one wrong move and it could all come out.

"Back to what I was saying lets watch this shall we?" Edward said as he pushed the play button.

***************

**(In the movie)**

"What's that Bella?" Jacob asked his Bella doll.

"I want to have some fun, come hear Jakey!!!" Jake said pressing the button on the doll. It sounded like Bella's voice but...it was really weird.

"Jake?" Bella asked pressing the pause button on the TV.

"Yah…."

"Did you record my voice and mix it to say other things in a computer program?" Bella asked.

"Um……may….be." Jake said blushing again.

"Oh my God Jake….you're so weird!" Bella yelled.

"You think he's weird now wait till you see the rest of this movie." Edward said pushing the play button again.

"No, I can't watch the end of this…..I'll admit it!! I did it with a doll ok, I recorded Bella's voice and I pretended it was her….that's the truth are you happy? Are you all happy now?!?!?!? I admit it!!!!" Jacob said taking the tape out and smashing it to pieces.

"Don't worry, I have copies." Edward said taking out another video from his jacket.

"Are all the copies on you right now?" Jacob snarled.

"Maybe…." Edward said as Jacob started taking off Edward's jacket trying to destroy every copy of that horrid video.

"Good luck mongrel, half the copies are in my pants." Edward smirked.

"You think he's actually going to stick his hand- Before Emmett could finish Jacob did just what Emmett was going to ask.

"Ewe, ewe, ewe, I can't believe I'm doing this, ewe, ewe, ewe, my hand is in, ewe, ewe, ewe, really don't want to say it!!!!" Jacob mumbled as he took out three DVDs from Edward's pants.

"Well this is awkward." Emmett mumbled. Alice was giggling behind the camera yet again while some of the family was looking away, and some of the family really wanted to look away but couldn't……All Seth knew was that he was going to be next……and it wasn't going to be pretty…….

"How many copies did you make?" Jacob asked whipping his hand on his own pants in an attempt to sanitize it.

"Um…..not going to say but….I don't have anymore on me." Edward said feeling very disturbed….if he could blush he would be the same bright red Jacob was right now.

"Ok…..good….can I go wash my hands now?" Jacob asked.

"Um…….well…..I don't know" Alice said.

"Come on Alice…his hand was-" Seth said defending him, he would do anything to save himself right about now.

"Oh Seth shut up…..you can't make yourself look good, you know your so next." Emmett said laughing.

"Yah, you are….so Seth…….truth or dare?" Jacob asked as he whipped his hand not on himself but on Seth this time.

"Ewe….get away from me…" Seth yelled running to the other side of the yard.

"I'll stop when you pick…come on truth or dare!!!" Jacob yelled chasing after him.

"See Esme, and you thought we were crazy." Emmett said laughing.

"You should invite the wolfs more often…they make you look normal." Esme snickered.

**Authors note: Ok so that was chapter 3….any ideas for Seth?**


	4. Never give Leah a knife

**Authors note: Thanks for reading and reviewing!!!!! Love you all!!!!!! (= Keep reading and I'll keep writing. (=**

"So Seth…truth or dare?" Jacob asked again.

After seeing the dirt Edward took out on Jacob and remembering that with his pack mind Jacob could probably take out some pretty embarrassing dirt on him he decided to pick dare, it had to be less bad then truth at this point right? Um…..maybe, maybe not…….

"Ok…dare." Seth fearing a little for his life.

"God, why do you people give off so much emotion?!?!?!?!" Jasper yelled. Ok, maybe he was fearing for his life a little more then just a little.

Before anyone could say anything else Alice burst out into laughter. "Alice "What's so funny?" Seth asked worried…..he knew she had seen something, he just didn't know what….or how horrible it was.

"Oh, you'll find out soon enough." Alice said still giggling…..everyone starred at each other in worry and suspense……….

"Ok……Seth……I…….dare…….you……to………" Jacob started.

"Oh could you just get on with it already!!!" Seth yelled.

"Why? Does it bother you when I talk so slowly?" Jacob asked.

"Yes." Seth answered.

"Good, then I'll go slower." Jacob said laughing.

"Oh God." Seth said banging his head on a tree.

"I wouldn't do that Seth; you really should save your energy for what Jacob has planed." Alice said laughing even more then before.

"Ok……….Seth……….as I was………..saying." Jacob started.

"Oh would you please just hurry up with it!!!" Seth begged.

"Fine…..Seth I dare you to….go down to Leah's house and steal he life size Taylor Lautner cut out." Jacob said smirking.

"What the hell man, she's obsessed with that thing……when she finds out she'll kill me." Seth whispered as his life started to flash before his eyes.

"Wait? Who's Taylor Lautner?" Carlisle asked.

"He's that guy that looks like Jake; he was in some stupid werewolf movie." Emmett said.

"Oh yah, I remember that movie…how could she like him? Rob is way hotter." Edward said.

"Oh Edward, you only say that case that guy looks just like you….you know Taylor's way hotter." Emmett said. "Though personally I prefer Kellan Lutz…"

"Oh could we stop talking about celebrities so I can finish what I was saying!!" Jacob yelled.

"Well if you would have just talked faster like I asked you to you would have been finished already!!!!' Seth yelled.

"Nice job Seth, you just made this worse for yourself." Alice said looking into the future again.

"Yup…you did…now as I was saying….after you take it you must leave a note saying that you stole and with your exact location on it….and when she comes looking for it, you must tare it to pieces right in front of her." Jacob said smiling a smile of the happiness of pay back at its best…..

"God Jacob do you really want me to be murdered?" Seth asked rhetorically.

"Yes, yes I do", Jake answered.

"That was a rhetorical question." Seth said.

"Yah…I know….now if only there was a way I could somehow get Edward in on this…..awe too bad I can't think of anything…..well anyway Let's go Seth." Jacob said as everyone got into there cars again.

This time the pairings were a little different, Emmett was driving Seth and Jacob because Edward didn't want them in his car anymore and Jacob had to go with Seth to make sure he would go threw with this.

Carlisle took his car with Esme, Rose, and Alice so Alice could still film, and Rose didn't have to sit with the dogs….And Bella and Jasper were with Edward because Edward didn't want Bella alone with Jacob anymore after tonight's events and Jasper wanted to be as far away from this craziness as possible.

"Jacob…do I really have to do this?" Seth asked as they got to Leah's house…..Leah was home but she wasn't in her room.

"I'll look out….you go get it." Jacob whispered as they walked past the bathroom, Leah was in there taking a shower……..

*****************

"Jake?" Seth asked.

"Yes?"

"Did….did you hear something?" Seth asked as the noise of a creaky door filled the room.

"Damn it, it's Leah, you get that thing out while I distract her." Jacob whispered trying to think fast……..what was he going to do?

"La, la, la, la, la, hey Taylor." Leah said coming into the room in her just came out of the shower look……ok pink towel.

"AHHH!!!!! Jacob what the hell are you doing hear?!?!?!?!?!?" Leah asked screaming in shock.

"Oh hey Leah…what am I doing hear?" Jake said repeating her question.

"Yes, what are you doing hear?" Leah asked about to rip his head off.

"I…I…I came hear to….to protect….protect you from…from the weird people who have been sneaking into houses and scaring people and taking things….yah that's why I'm hear…..You haven't seen anyone like that have you?" Jacob asked making up one of he most ridicules lies ever that was yet some how semi true…..

"Oh I think I'm looking at one of them right now." Leah said taking the scissors from her bed side table.

"Let's no get violent hear Leah." Jacob said backing up.

"Oh don't worry Jacob, I would never stab you….I just might cut some thing off.

"Are you taking about what I think you're talking about?" He asked afraid.

"I don't know, you better run unless you want to find out." She said stepping closer.

"Hey, don't be mad at me, Seth's the one who stole your Taylor Lautner cut out." Jacob said defending himself.

"He did?" Leah asked turning around to find no cut out.

"Yup…if you want to kill someone I'd…I'd kill him."

"Why would he take it?" Leah asked.

"Truth…truth or dare." Jacob stuttered.

"Who dared him to take it?" She asked.

"Edward!!" He yelled…hey guess he got Edward into this after all…

"Where are they?" She asked grabbing a knife instead of scissors this time.

"I'll show you where they are….if you promise not to hurt me with that." Jacob said pointing at the extremely large kitchen knife.

"I won't…now just show me where they are." Leah said as they both ran outside.

******************

"Hear they come." Edward said laughing……little did he know he would soon be part of this.

"Wow, that thing really does look like Jacob." Carlisle said studying it. "You don't think….."

"She actually likes Jacob, that's exactly what I was thinking." Esme said finishing Carlisle's sentence….it was weird how old married couples could do that.

"Hey…there coming back!!!" Bella whispered when she saw Alice coming back with her camera…it was like that thing was glued to her hand; she would never let it go.

"I got that all on camera guys." Alice whispered as she played it back.

"There they are……" Jacob said pointing to Seth and Edward.

"Excuse me…they? What did you tell her?" Edward asked confused.

"I know you dared him Edward!!!!!" Leah said coming at him with the knife.

"Leah, your not allowed to stab anyone remember, we said that on the way over hear." Jacob said taking the knife out of her hands.

"It's ok; I can take him with my bare hands." Leah said first lunging at Edward, then stopping her self and changing her course to Seth when she heard a ripping noise.

"What was that?" She asked……she knew what it was but she wished she would get another answer…..prayed to God she would get another answer.

"He ripped Taylor." Jacob answered.

"Seth you are so dead…and Edward so are you!!!!!!!!!!!!" She said as they both started running away….guess they were afraid of being chased with a knife…..Jacob gave her the knife back after all.

"Wait…I don't get it? Why is Leah running after Edward?" Carlisle asked confused.

"Because…Jacob obviously told Leah that Edward planned this whole thing." Emmett said…..Wait…Emmett said? How did he figure that out?

"Wow, Emmett actually said something smart….Alice did you catch that on tape?" Bella asked.

"Yup, we tape all of Emmett's smart moments…" Alice said.

"That must be a very short tape." Jacob laughed.

"Hey, I have my moments!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Hey Alice, shouldn't you be following them?" Bella asked changing the subject.

"No, I had a vision, nothing really good will happen for another five….four….three…two….one…" She said as they all came running this way.

"I swear I didn't do anything!!!! It was Jacob's idea." Edward said as he ran to go hide behind Bella.

"Leah…..please…..don't hurt me." Bella said trying to get behind Edward who was trying to get behind her.

"Ok fine….just give me Taylor back." Leah said picking up the pieces of card bored. "It will be ok Taylor; will take you to the hospital….." Leah said like an insane person.

"See, I'm not the only person who talks to inanimate objects!!!!" Jacob yelled pointing at Leah.

"Carlisle you're a doctor, can you fix him?" Leah asked handing Carlisle the pieces of cardboard.

"Um….sure." Carlisle said taking out the roll of tape from in the bush.

"Why the Hell is there a role of tape in that bush?" Bella asked Edward.

"Um….we keep a lot of things outside", was his only answer.

"Seth, you did this….you should help fix him", Jacob volunteered.

"Fine…." Seth said as Carlisle tossed him the tape.

************

"Hear good as new." Seth said when he was finished taping Taylor back up.

"Are you sure he's ok? Shouldn't you cheek his pulse or something?" Leah asked….God she was more insane then Jacob and the doll.

"Yah…sure…." Carlisle said taking out his medical supplies from the hole in the tree.

"Not even gonna ask." Bella said very confused…

"Now you finally learn." Edward said laughing.

"Hear Seth, you cheek his pulse." Carlisle said.

"Well is he ok?" Leah asked very worried.

"He's not breathing…he's not breathing oh my God we killed him!!!" Seth said really getting into this.

"Seth…he's made of cardboard, he doesn't breath." Emmett said.

"Wow Emmett, two smart things in a row." Alice said giving him a high five.

"Yup, I'm on a role." Emmett said smiling at himself with pride.

"So he's not dead?" Leah asked.

"No, he's just fine." Carlisle said as Leah started to hug her cardboard man.

"See!!!! I'm not the only crazy one who does things with dolls." Jacob yelled…if he wanted people to think he wasn't crazy he sure wasn't helping the cause.

"Oh save it Jacob, everyone knows your obsession is way worse just shut up before you make yourself look even more like an idiot." Edward yelled.

"Fine…….Jacob said sitting down.

"Wait? What obsession does Jacob have?" Leah asked.

"Oh, he has an obsession with a doll; you want to see the video?" Edward asked taking out another one.

Hey, you said I got all of those!!!!" Jacob yelled.

"So, I lied!!!" Edward yelled trying to get it into the TV before Jacob could take it from him.

"You give me that tape!!!" Jacob yelled.

"Never!!!!!" Edward yelled running away knocking trees over to stop Jacob as he went.

"And this is why we played outside this time." Esme said.

"Yah…anyway lets get back to the game…..Emmett truth or dare?" Seth asked.

**Authors note: I would like thank Bella Rose Black for giving me the idea for this chapter….thanks…anyone got any idea's for Emmett?"**


	5. jail is scary!

**Authors note: Hello everyone thank you a ton for reading and reviewing, again any ideas just put them in the reviews!!!!!! Hope you enjoy!!!!!! Time to see what happens to Emmett……**

"Well Emmett, truth or dare?" Seth asked.

"Like you even have to ask, dare!!!!" Emmett said confidently.

"Ok…..um I dare you to…." Seth started.

"Hey, you were yelling at Jacob for going so slow and now you're doing it!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Well sorry, I haven't thought of anything yet, Alice did you see what I was going to think of?" Seth asked.

"Hold on a second…..wow, your funnier then I thought." Alice said as she whispered the dare in Seth's ear.

"Go ahead, say it Seth I'm not afraid." Emmett said with a bring it on face.

"I dare you to go to the Pre School down the street in a Barney costume and terrorize all the small children there." Seth said.

"Seth what the hell is wrong with you, Barney is awesome!!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"So you won't portray Barney in a bad way?" He asked.

"Um….well I'm not one to back down from a dare so I guess I'll have to do this." Emmett said as Alice ran to get a Barney costume….now the real question was why the hell did she have one?.......

Five minutes later Emmett was ready. "Well ok guys, I guess we don't have to drive this time since it's just down the street so…..lets go." Alice said as they all started running down the street, Emmett was the only one waking at human speed….he wanted to put this off for as long as possible.

"Come on Emmett, your walking slower then Bella." Alice yelled

"Hey!!!"

"Sorry Bella…didn't mean to offend you…just trying to make a point." Alice said walking backwards so she could catch 'Barney' on film….Bella was looking at her furiously.

"What's wrong now?' Alice asked.

"It's not fair…I can barley walk forwards with out stumbling and you make walking backwards look so simple."

"It is sim- well for most of us it is……" Alice said looking away from Bella and getting back to Emmett.

************

"How am I even supposed to terrorize children?" Emmett asked.

"Just be yourself, I'm sure it will scare them all away….." Jasper laughed.

"I do not scare children….when they see me there happy." Emmett argued.

"Oh yah well what about when we were at the mall last week and you saw those little children in the bouncy house and started jumping with them and they screamed mommy, oh my God the big crazy mans going to kill us." Jasper said.

"Oh those children just had a problem; I don't know what was wrong with them."

"Well you did start hitting them with balls from the ball pit."

"Hey the other kids were doing it….."

"Yes……but I think you throw a little harder then a three year old."

"Not really….."

"When you were finished every kid there had a black eye…." Rose said butting in.

"Wow, nice job Emmett." Bella snickered.

"Yah Emmett, I'm not even allowed at that mall anymore because of you." Alice said.

"Oh whatever, lets just stop talking and get this over with!!!!" Emmett said as he tightened his Barney helmet.

"Ha, ha, ha, this is going to be good." Seth laughed.

"Hey what'd we miss?" Jake said as he and Edward walked over to see what was going on.

"Oh nothing…Seth just dared Emmett to dress up as Barney and scare little children at the Pre School….speaking of that since when is there a preschool down the street? I thought there wasn't anything but your house hear." Bella said.

"Um….there's lots of things you don't know about." Edward mumbled.

"Yah, there sure is." Bella mumbled.

"I hope Emmett doesn't end up in jail again." Edward said changing the subject.

"Oh God, I didn't even think about that", Seth snickered.

"What was he in jail for last time?" Bella asked.

"Um…..it's a long story." Edward said as they all got closer to the window of the preschool to see what was going on.

"I really need to get this on camera." Alice said going inside.

****************

'Now how am I going to scare all these children?' Emmett thought. He tried to think of an idea…..until he was distracted.

"Blocks!!!!" Emmett yelled as he ran over to play with the wooden blocks.

"Mrs. Keith, Barney stole my blocks." One of the little boys yelled.

"Wow Albert, Barney really? You have some imagination." The teacher said not yet seeing Emmett.

"What are you talking about Mrs. Keith Barney's right hear? Can't you see him?" Albert asked.

"Albert, how many times do we have to go threw this, only you can see your imaginary friends." She said sweeping the floor still not seeing Emmett.

"But....he's not imaginary." The little boy argued.

"Yah, Barney's real!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!!" The teacher yelled finally seeing Emmett.

"Boys and girls, lets all practice that safety drill again!!!!" She yelled.

"The one for strangers?" Albert asked.

"Yes, that one." Mrs. Keith answered.

"Aright, everyone in the closet!!!!" Albert yelled…..What the Hell kind of safety drill is this?

"Wow, yes everyone will be really safe if they hide in there", Rose laughed.

"Yah, not the smartest idea." Jacob said giving Rose a high five…..Wait? Jacob gave Rose a high five? What the Hell is going on there?

"What the hell is wrong with you two, I thought you hated each other?" Bella asked.

"What are you talking about, we do hate each other, you stupid air headed blond!!" Jacob answered giving Rose a very light fake push.

"Yah…retarded mutt." Rose said giving him a real push that made him hit into a tree.

"Hey, I give you a fake push and you knock me into a tree?" Jacob asked confused.

"I said I hated you." Rose laughed as she flipped her hair.

"Stupid blond!!" Jacob muttered as he backed as far away from her as possible.

"Shh….guys something's about to happen." Jasper whispered.

"How do you know?" Edward asked.

"I can feel it in there emotions." He whispered.

"Get out of hear before I call the cops!!!" The teacher said hitting Emmett with the broom.

"Yup…..he's going to end up in jail again….anyone want to go to the bail bondsman with me?" Carlisle asked.

"No, you can go." Everyone said in unison eyes glued to the window.

"Fine be that way!!!" Carlisle said as he walked away.

"Lady would you stop hitting me!!!" Emmett said taking the broom out of her hands.

"That's it I'm calling the cops." She said dialing the phone…who other to pick up then Charlie.

"Hello this is Charlie Swan chief of police what is your emergency?" Charlie asked.

"Hello chief of police, I'm at forks pre school and there's a man hear terrorizing the children in a Barney costume." She said.

"Oh the things I have to deal with." Charlie said as he hung up.

"What is it this time Charlie?" The deputy asked.

"Some guy terrorizing the local children at the preschool in a Barney costume." Charlie answered grabbing his coat and driving away in his police car.

**************

"Alright, put your hands up, you're under arrest." Charlie said as he hand cuffed Emmett.

"But Charlie it's me, I can't go to jail again, please Charlie nooo!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett?" Charlie asked taking off the Barney head.

"You know this man?" Mrs. Keith asked.

"Unfortunately, he's my daughter's boyfriend's brother." Charlie answered.

"Wow, looks like you've got your hands full." She laughed.

"You're talking, where the hell are all your students?" Charlie asked.

"Oh there in the closet." She answered.

"Why?" Charlie asked confused.

"Because they al don't want to admit there gay." Emmett answered.

"Emmett, I'd be quite if I were you, anything you do or say can and will be held against you in the court of law." Charlie answered.

"Not the first time I heard that." Emmett said as he got into the back of Charlie's police car.

*****************

"Hey you haven't seen Bella have you?" Charlie asked.

"I don't know…if I tell you will that be used against me in the court of law?" Emmett asked.

"Um…no." Charlie answered.

"Well then she's lurking around outside the preschool." Emmett answered. "Is that against the law?" Emmett asked.

"Um…..no." Charlie answered.

"Awe damn, so I guess I'm the only one going to jail." Emmett answered sadly.

"What were you even doing? Charlie asked.

"Well we were all playing truth or dare and Seth dared me." Emmett answered.

"Oh that's very smart Emmett." Charlie snickered.

"Well I'm not one to back down from a dare…." Emmett answered.

"Where's you father…..we should probably let him know about this." Charlie said as they walked into the police station.

"Umm….knowing him he's probably at the bail bonds man right now." Emmett answered. "If I have to go to jail can I get one of those orange jump suites?' Emmett asked.

"Um…sure."

"Can it be orange?" Emmett asked.

"Well actually at this jail we do pink." Charlie answered.

"Why?" Emmett asked sadly, he really wanted an orange jump suite.

"Because we find that pink is more humiliating." Charlie answered.

"Well that's mean Charlie; don't you love your jail birds?" Emmett asked.

Umm……not really." Charlie answered.

"That hurts Charlie." Emmett said as he went to go change into his pink jump suite….well at least he was out of that Barney costume.

"It takes a real man to wear pink, it takes a real man to war pink, it takes a real man to wear pink." Emmett mumbled to himself as he sat down in his jail cell.

"Yes it does and you are a real man." The lady on the other side of the cell said.

"Hey, I thought the put men with men and ladies with ladies", Emmett said.

"I am I man….well sort of." She/he said.

"Charlie you have to get me out of hear, there's a creepy transsexual man lady in hear!!!!" Emmett yelled trying desperately to climb the bars of the cell.

"Come this way Emmett", Charlie said letting him out.

"Oh yah!!!!! Bye, bye creepy transvestite!!! I'm free Emmett yelled as he got out.

"I wouldn't be to happy Emmett; your just getting out for your one phone call and your mug shot…you'll be back in five minutes." Charlie said.

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Emmett yelled as the man/lady laughed.

"I'll wait for you babe."

"Charlie you are so mean, you must really want me to die." Emmett answered.

"Sorry Emmett, don't do the crime if you can't do the time." Charlie snickered, he was really enjoying this…now only if there was some way he could get Edward locked up, he thought.

"Now turn to your left." Charlie said as he took out the camera for the mug shot….. "Your other left." Charlie said.

"There are two lefts?" Emmett asked.

"No Emmett, there's only one left and one right…you were facing the wrong way." Charlie said as he turned Emmett this time.

"Wait, we have to take a new picture." Emmett yelled as Charlie started to put the camera away.

"Why?" Charlie asked confused.

"Because, I think I blinked," Emmett said.

"It's just a mug shot Emmett." Charlie reasoned.

"Well is it going to be up on the wall?" Emmett asked.

"Yes."

"Then it is important." Emmett said trying to take the camera form him.

"No Emmett, bad boy!!!! Everyone gets one picture." Charlie said taking the camera and locking it away so Emmett wouldn't get it.

"Oh Charlie your so mean." Emmett said with his puppy dog eyes.

"I'm not letting you take another picture now come on; it's time for finger prints." Charlie said leading him to the next room.

"Is this going to hurt?" Emmett asked afraid.

"No…..it's just ink." Charlie said.

"Ink!!!! Oh my God, did you get it from a squid?" Emmett asked.

"Um…….no." Charlie said as he took out the ink.

"Are you sure this isn't going to hurt Charlie?" Emmett asked.

"Would I ever hurt you?" Charlie asked.

"Well you did lock me in a cell with a transvestite and made me wear pink, that hurts emotionally." Emmett said.

"Oh Emmett, your such a drama queen." Charlie said as he stuck Emmett's fingers in the ink.

"Excuse me? What's that suppose to mean?" Emmet asked offended. "Are you calling me a transvestite? Is that why you put me in jail with a transvestite?" Emmett accused.

"No, tell you what if it could make you happier I could put you on the other side of the jail where no one is." Charlie said trying to make Emmett sound better.

"Ok." Emmett said as he went to the phone to make his call. He decided to call Edward.

"Hello?"

"Hey Edward, it's me Emmett, I'm in jail." Emmett said.

"There's no Edward hear." The man said hanging up the phone.

"Charlie…I dialed the wrong number." Emmett whimpered.

"You know we have to treat everyone the same, one phone call is one phone call." Charlie said.

"But that wasn't fair, the only number I know is Rosalie's and I can't call her because I accidently broke her phone yesterday." Emmett whined.

"How'd you do that?" Charlie asked, he was enjoying Emmett's pain a little too much.

"I….sat on it." Emmett answered.

"Fine tell you what since you have such crappy luck I'll let you have one more phone call." Charlie answered finally being nice.

"Charlie do you know Edward's phone number?" Emmett asked….he had to get the number right this time.

"Umm….no….but I can give you Bella's number." Charlie answered.

"Ok." Emmett said as he dialed the number.

"Hello?" Jacob answered.

"Bella, why do you sound like a man?" Emmett asked.

"Emmett, this is Jacob…not Bella." Jacob answered.

"It is, well hold on a sec." Emmett said coving the phone with his hand.

"You lied to me!!!!" Emmett yelled at Charlie all Charlie could do was laugh, he was much eviler then he looked.

"Well anyway Jacob I'm in jail." Emmett answered.

"Yah, what do you want me to do about it?" Jacob asked.

"Bring Edward and Rose to bail me out." Emmett answered.

"Hum…talk to the two people I hate most in my life…..I don't think so." Jacob answered.

"Well get someone please, I'm scared, there's a creepy transvestite in hear and Charlie's making me wear pink." Emmett fake cried.

"Ok….I'll get someone down soon." Jacob said laughing.

"Come on Emmett, time to get back to the cell." Charlie said leading the way.

*****************

"Who was that?" Bella asked.

"Oh just Emmett, he wants us to bail him out." Jacob said casually.

"What else did he say?" Rose asked.

"He said they've got him locked up with a transvestite." Jacob snickered.

"Awe poor Emmett." Bella said as everyone laughed.

"Well I guess we better go…….."

*******************

"Charlie!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Oh what now Emmett." Charlie said annoyed, the sooner Emmett was bailed out the better.

"Play a game with me I'm bored!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett its jail, you're not supposed to have fun!!!" Charlie yelled back.

"Play with me or I'll climb out the window." Emmett threatened.

"Oh God, if he escapes he'll be in hear even longer…coming Emmett" Charlie said running over.

"Yeah Charlie's hear!!!" I know what we can do Charlie lets play this or that." Emmett said.

"What's this or that?" Charlie asked confused….old people knew nothing.

"It's when I say two things and you pick one like…..um Jacob or Edward." Emmett said.

"You want me to pick either Edward or Jacob?" Charlie asked.

"Um hum."

"Ok…Jacob." Charlie said as Jacob and Edward came in.

"See Edward, I told you he liked me better." Jacob said.

"How did you guys get back hear?" Emmett asked.

"Simple, deputy let us in…the real question is why the Hell are you on the woman's side of the jail?" Edward asked confused.

"Because, the other side was too scary…" Emmett said shivering at the thought.

"Wow Emmett, pinks a nice color on you." Jacob laughed.

"It takes a real man to wear pink." Emmett said.

"Hey where's Rose?" Emmet asked.

"She didn't want to." Edward answered.

"Oh she is so next." Emmett said as they let him out of jail.

"Well this is turning out to be an interesting night." Jacob said.

"It always is." Emmett answered. "Hey where's everyone else?" He asked.

"There all back in the woods….they wanted to watch the rest of the movie of you in your Barney suite." Edward said. "Speaking of that where is your Barney suite?"

"In….jail." Emmett answered.

"Oh Alice is going to get you." Jacob said as they walked back to the woods.

**Authors note: Thanks for reading reviews make me happy (= any ideas are welcome (= **


	6. rainbow colored mowhawks

**Authors note: Wow, this stories really getting interesting…I hope it keeps being so funny, I'll try my hardest. (= Please keep reading and reviewing. The more reviews the sooner I'll update so please, please review. (=**

"So Rose, truth or dare?" Emmett asked as they got back to the woods.

Alice paused the Barney tape. "What did I do?" Rose asked confused.

"You didn't come to bail me out of jail!!" Emmett said. "It's like you didn't even care!" Emmett said upset.

"Well I didn't want to ride with-" Rose started.

"Stop." Emmett said.

"But-"

"I don't need to hear your excuses, just answer the question, truth or dare?" Emmett asked again.

"Dare I guess." She said a little scared….Emmett had a crazy imagination God knows what he could come up with. By the end of this game she'd probably have purple hair of something….well if she did then she could go back to wearing her Britney Spears wig she enjoyed so much………

"Alright Rose, I dare you to go down to Super cuts and ask them for a rainbow colored Mohawk." Emmett laughed.

"Oh no way…..first of all that place is the worst hair cutting place in the world, if I went there and asked them for a Mohawk they'd probably shave half my head, if I have to get this done then at least let me get it done by someone else, please someone else, anyone else!!!." Rose begged.

"Fine, if you really want to get your hair cut by someone else……Jacob can cut your hair." Emmett snickered.

"No way in hell is that mongrel touching my head." Rose yelled petting her own head.

"Hey, I can cut hair, I cut my own hair." Jacob said.

"You see what I'm saying, look how horrible his hair is!!!!" Rose complained.

"Well your nice." Jacob said.

"I'm sorry Rose, you said anyone else….and Jacob's anyone." Emmett argued.

"When I said anyone I meant professionals." Rose muttered.

"Well lets get on with this, I'll go get the scissors." Edward said going over to the bush.

"Why the hell is everything in the bush?!?!?!?" Bella asked upset.

"Not everything's in the bush Bella, there are also things in the tree." Emmett answered.

"Oh you people have problems!!!" Bella yelled.

"We have problems, you're the one screaming." Jasper answered.

"Oh shut up." Bella answered.

"Alright let's do this." Jacob said taking the scissors.

"NO!!!!!!!" Rose said running away.

"Hold her down!!!" Esme yelled…..Wow Esme was still really getting into this……….It took Jasper, Seth, Edward, and Emmett to hold her down.

"I'll be back in a second." Alice said. "I need to get the hair dye." ……Two minutes later she was back with, hot pink, lime green, electric blue, and sunshine yellow.

"I have the perfect colors." Alice announced.

"Oh My God, I'm never going to go out in public again!!!" Rose moaned as Jacob made his first cut……………..Ten minutes later almost all of Rose's hair was on the ground, all that remained is a thin line right down the middle…….well almost down the middle……Jacob wasn't good with strait lines…..ha, ha, poor Rose.

"Now how exactly do you color hair?" Jacob asked. Everyone burst out into laughter.

"I'm so dead." Rose groaned, she didn't even want to look in the mirror after this was over….and she normally looked in the mirror every ten minutes.

She looked on the ground and picked up locks of her hair. "Oh I'm so sorry my beautiful baby." Rose said letting the hairs flow in the wind.

"Ok, I think I'm doing this right." Jacob said as he took a piece of tin foil and rapped in around Rose's hair.

"Um…not bad, except for the fact that you're supposed to put the hair dye on the hair and not the tin foil", Alice said.

"Oh damn now I have to take all these things out?" Jacob asked. "All that hard work for nothing", he said sadly.

"Jacob….you only put in three." Bella said.

"Oh shut up Bella, like you can do better." Jacob said as he whipped his hands on her shirt.

"Hey!!!!" Bella yelled…..her white shirt was a rainbow mess.

"Oh please Bella, get over it that shirt was hideous!!!" Alice said.

"Thanks for sticking up for me Alice." Bella said whipping her shirt.

"No problem."

"I was being sarcastic." Bella answered.

"Well then you weren't doing a good job." Alice answered.

Before anyone could say anything else both girls were squirting each other with hair dye, it was an all out war!!!!!

"Oh my God, we have to…" Jacob started.

"Stop them?" Edward finished.

"I was going to say put this oh YouTube." Jacob said.

"Speaking of YouTube…guess where your doll video is." Edward snickered.

"Oh no you didn't!!!!" Jacob answered leaving his position in front of Rose's hair.

"I don't know, why don't you go look?" Edward said as Jacob went running into the house.

"I can't believe you Edward!!!!" Jacob said as he saw himself on YouTube.

"Hey look, Mike Newton left a comment." Edward said scrolling down.

_I knew I was more of a man then you loser, at least I can get a real_ _girl your pathetic!!!!!!! MIKE N. _

"Oh Edward you are going to be so dead for this, I will find a way to get you back!!!" Jacob yelled as he shut off the computer.

"Whatever." Edward snickered.

"By the way I changed your YouTube account name to I'm a gay loser and pressed the lock button." Jacob said laughing.

"Bastard!!!" Edward mumbled.

"I rather be a bastard then a gay loser." Jacob laughed.

"Could you finish my freaking hair already so I can get on with my life?!?!?" Rose yelled.

"Oh yah….." Jacob said as he walked outside taking the hair dye as he went.

"Excuse me pixy, I need this back." Jacob said.

"You too Bells."

"Fine!!!!" They both said sitting back down.

"I'm sorry Alice!!!!!" Bella said.

"I'm sorry too!!!" Alice said as she looked down at her outfit. "Oh my shirt is ruined!!!!"

"It's ok Alice, mine is too." Bella said.

"Yah…..but mine was cute." Alice said.

"Do we have to go threw this again?" Bella started.

"No……….." Alice said dropping the subject.

"Ok Blondie, I think were finished…I didn't do so bad if I do say so myself." Jacob said proudly.

"Jake…it looks like she went threw a lawn mower." Bella laughed.

"Sorry Rose, if you would have just bailed me out this would have never happened." Emmett argued.

"Just let me see the mirror." Rose said very afraid of what she looked like at this point.

"Hey, has anyone been getting this on tape?" Jacob asked.

"Yup." Esme said with a smile.

"Even the part with YouTube?" Jacob asked.

"Yup." Esme said again, God she was good.

"OH MY GOD, MY HAIR, MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Rose yelled.

"Wait, were not finished yet Rose, you have to go out and show the world your new doo." Emmett said. "Where would lots of people be right now….oh I know, let's hit Wal-Mart!!!!!!!" Emmett said as they dragged Rose along with them…..though Rose wasn't the only one that was afraid…….Alice hated Wal-Mart.

"No!!!! I'm not going in there you can't make me!!!!!" Alice yelled, funny you'd think Rose would be the one acting like this.

"What does she have against Wal-Mart?" Bella asked confused.

"She's afraid she's going to be trapped in hear and forced to wear there cloths or something stupid like that." Edward answered.

"There cloths aren't that bad." Bella said looking down at her own Wal-Mart shirt.

"See, look how horrible it is, Bella shops hear, that's saying something!!!!" Alice said hiding behind Emmett.

"Come on Alice, it's not so horrible, besides were hear for Rose not you." Emmett said pulling her off of him.

"Fine…..but if anything happens to me in hear I swear you'll pay, oh you'll really pay!!!" Alice threatened.

"I can't believe she's not dieing over this." Bella whispered as Rose walked inside with her head held high.

"Well…she is beautiful…..with or without her hair." Edward said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bella asked.

"Yah!!! She still has hair, I did a good job." Jacob said.

"Actually I was talking about how you just said she was beautiful, what's that suppose to mean?" Bella asked angrily.

"Gosh Bella, you read too far into things." Edward said as they watched what Rose was doing.

A worker came up to her… "Hey baby, your kinda hot….to bad you look like you got run over by a lawn mower." The guy said high fiving his friend.

"Everyone glared at that guy after that….well everyone Except Alice…..she was too freaked about being in Wal-Mart to notice.

"Oh My God, an ugly purse!!!!!" Alice said jumping.

"Ewe…cheep food!!" She yelled.

"Oh MY GOD!!!!!!! Plastic shoes!!!!!" Alice said backing away.

"AHHHHHH, MY HAND JUST TOUCHED AN UGLY TEE SHIRT!!!!!!!!!" Alice yelled. "I'm gonna to die OMG I'm gonna die!!!!!!!!!" Alice said looking at her hand.

"Hey Alice guess what?" Rose said.

"What?" Alice asked.

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare….Oh MY God no!!!!!!" Alice said as she saw a vision of what was going to happen, everyone else waited anxiously to see what Rose was going to say. "I dare you to spend three hours at Wal-Mart!!!" Rose said smiling.

"And when you come out you have to be dressed in there cloths." Rose said.

"You want to kill me don't you?" Alice moaned

**Authors note: Well Rose has a rainbow Mohawk!!!!...what should happen to Alice at Wal-Mart? **


	7. NOOOO Not walmart!

**Authors note: Ok everyone, I know the last chapter really wasn't that funny but hey? How do you expect me to top Emmett's dare? Well anyway don't worry I promise this chapter will be hilarious…..well I hope…..well I'll try harder anyway. (= BTW please keep reading and reviewing, love you all you guys are awesome (=**

Alice was hyperventilating in the corner after she heard her dare……she was more afraid of Wal-Mart then small children were afraid of Emmett….and that was a lot.

"I can't do this!! I can't do this!!! I can't do this!!!!" She yelled as everyone started to stare.

"Oh look at the time, I guess we should leave you hear now……" Emmett said as they all started making there way to the exit.

"NO!!!!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HEAR I'LL DIE I SWEAR I'LL JUST DIE!!!!!" Alice said grabbing onto Emmett's leg like a small child who didn't want to go to school.

"Alice get off, you're making a scene." Rosalie said.

"I'm making a scene, have you seen your head lately!!!" Alice yelled desperately trying to put this off.

"I know, it's horrible." Rose said glaring at Jake.

"Oh shut up, you know I did an awesome job, your just jealous!!!!" Jacob yelled.

"Are you blind dog? This looks absolutely horrible!!!" Rose yelled.

"Yah…it looks like an alien unicorn pooped on your head." Emmett said……everyone turned to stare at him…...

"What is wrong with him?" Some random guy asked as he walked past them.

"Yah, we don't know……" Edward said sadly.

"Hey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me!!!!" Emmett screamed at the man.

"God be quite Emmett, you don't need to end up in jail again!!!!" Jasper yelled.

"Hey, speaking of jail look over there." Jacob said pointing to transvestite who was drinking coffee.

"Oh my God, she's after me!!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled as he his behind Alice…..yah not the best hiding place.

The man lady waved. "We have to get put of hear!!!!" Emmett said as everyone ran out.

"Not you Alice, you need to stay." Jasper said pushing her back in.

"NO!!!!" She said running outside past Jasper and into the parking lot…….she almost got hit by a car.

"Hey watch where you're walking", another transvestite man lady said as she got out of the car.

"Oh my God there after me!!!!!!!" Emmett said as he started running away.

"Jazz you take care of Alice while we go make sure Emmett alright." Rose said as she ran after Emmett.

"What was wrong with him?" The man lady asked.

"Um….bad experience." Jasper said as he dragged Alice back into Wal-Mart. The lady mumbled something else but they were too far to hear.

"Now how am I ever going to get you to stay?" Jasper thought as he dragged Alice into the middle of the store.

"Ooh, gossip magazines." Alice said as she picked one up and started reading it…..Wait Alice actually touched something that was in Wal-Mart?......

"Well that works for a distraction but just to make sure you stay..." Jasper said as he led her over to a pole.

"We better do this." He mumbled as he tied tee shirts together into a rope form and rapped Alice around the pole….she was so consumed in gossip she didn't even notice.

"OMG Kristen Stewart is not dating Taylor Lautner, what the Hell is wrong with this magazine!!!" Alice yelled when she was finished…..still not noticing she was tied to the pole I might add. "Isn't this a bunch of carp Jazz?" Alice said finally looking up.

"Jazz……where are you?" She asked afraid……little did she know he was long gone, he didn't want to be anywhere near her when she realized what was going on….

"Jazz…..OH MY GOD I'M TIED TO A POLE IN WAL-MART!!!!!!!!!!" Alice yelled trying to break free.

Absolutely everyone in the store had stopped what they were doing to stare at her……people even came out of the bathroom's to see what was going on….though they all really should have put there pants back on first………

"What are you people staring at, there's nothing to see hear, just get back to what you were doing." Alice said calmly…….no one moved.

"I SAID GET BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!" She yelled….everyone slowly started to move again and things started to get back to normal……until Alice noticed what the ropes were made of. "OH MY GOD I'M TIED UP WITH UGLY TEE SHIRT'S, THE UGLY TEE SHIRTS ARE TOUCHING ME, I'M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!! THE SHIRTS BURN OH THE PAIN THE HORRIBLE PAIN!!!!!" Alice yelled.

"You go over there and see if that lady's ok." One of the workers told another worker.

"No way man, I have kids and I wife, you go see if she's ok, all you have is a dog." The guy said to the other one.

"Hey, don't be talking bout my dog!!!" The guy yelled at the other one.

"Oh you just like that dog cause you cant get a wife!!! That's right I said it!!!!" The first guy yelled.

"Oh yah well at least my dog doesn't eat like a pig!!!!"

"Oh you did not just go there; you know she has an eating disorder."

"Yah, eat every thing insight disorder, you're just lucky the food hears cheep or she would have eaten you by now!!!!"

"Oh my God, you two are complete idiots!!!!" One of the woman workers said coming over to Alice.

"Are you ok?" She asked a little afraid……Alice was acting like a complete psychopath.

"Do I look ok? I'm tied to a poll in Wal-Mart and ewe I think Bella owns that shirt." Alice said still trying to break free….she would have gotten out already but she didn't want to destroy the shirts……even at Wal-Mart they have a you break it you buy it policy…..and she really didn't want to take these hideous shirts home.

"How did you even get tied hear?" The lady asked as she started untying Alice form the pole.

"My idiot boyfriend." Alice mumbled.

"Uh tied to a pole, been there done that." The transvestite said as she walked by. "Just be happy you're not being assaulted."

"Ok ewe, did not need to know about your experiences." Alice said trying to block that picture out of her head.

"NOW GO AWAY YOU CRAZY!!!!!!!!! Alice yelled.

"Ok fine", the lady who was untying her said.

"No not you, I meant the crazy man, or lady, man, lady, lady, man, oh I don't know, just please come back and untie me." Alice said very confused and upset.

"Ok……" The lady said coming back to finish untying her…..

"Excuse me but…..did you….oh I don't know….maybe forget to take any medication before coming hear." The lady asked.

"What are you trying to say?" Alice asked.

"I'm trying to say you've been acting insane!!!!!" The lady said.

"I have not." Alice argued.

"You were yelling at shirts." The Wal-Mart worker pointed out.

"Well yah…but…oh you know what I don't have to explain." Alice said.

"Is that because you can't?"

"Oh shut up, watch this I can walk down a whole aisle without freaking out." Alice said as she walked down the purse aisle at a barley human speed.

"Phew, I made it." Alice said when she got to the end.

"Good job…now lets see if you can walk down an aisle instead of speed threw like your on crack." The lady laughed.

"How do you know what a person on crack acts like?" Alice asked questioningly.

"Oh whatever lady….you know what I'm leaving!!!" she said as she walked out of the store.

"Oh I would give every one of my Juicy's to get out of this wretched place." **(BTW Juicy is just a designer, there purses are awesome…I was talking about there purses by the way cause they do cloths too…I should stop talking now…anyways back to the story (= LOL) **Alice mumbled.

"How long have I been in hear anyway?' She asked herself. "Ewe, only ten minutes!!!! This is going to be the longest three hours ever!!!!!" she yelled. "What am I suppose to do now that I'm hear anyway?" Alice asked herself.

"Well…I guess I could walk around, right Alice?" She said to herself.

"Yah I guess so Alice."

"Hey Alice did your husband lock you in hear too?"

"He did well wow we have so much in common Alice."

"I love your outfit by the way Alice."

"Oh thanks you too, it's gorgeous."

"Wait a second…..OMG I'm talking to myself maybe that lady was right, maybe I am on crack!!!!" She yelled. "Wait…I think I would know if I was on crack, am I on crack Alice?" She asked herself.

"No, I don't think so." Alice said answering herself.

"Oh thank God!!! Wait a second…..I'm doing it again!!!!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Alice shut up!!!!" She yelled at herself.

"No you shut up, I was talking first!!!!"

"Will one of you shut up already, people are looking at us." Alice yelled at herself.

"Oh great now there's three of me!!!" Alice said fake passing out on the floor.

"Oh my God ewe, this floor is nasty!!!" she said getting up, she had dirt all over her hands.

"Oh will you two just make up already!!!" Alice yelled.

"Fine…."

"Now hug!!!" She demanded herself. "I said hug!!!"

"Ok, God pushy were getting to it." Alice said as she wrapped her arms around herself……if there was anyone in this store who didn't think she was insane before they sure had there mind changed now.

"Ok good, now shut up and let's go wash up girls." She said as she walked into the bathroom to wash her hands.

No one was there so she decided to sing the washing your hands song. "Oh you've got to scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, rub, rub, rub, scrub, rub, scrub; oh you've got to scrub, rub, scrub until your hands are clean." Alice sang.

People were standing in the doorways staring at her, they really had to go to the bathroom but they were way too afraid to enter……….

"Come on in are you afraid?" Alice said to the girls. All they could do was shake there heads yes.

"Oh you people disgust me, you're all so mean!!!!" Alice said as she walked out of the bathroom.

"God those girls sure looked like men." Alice mumbled to herself as she walked out of the bathroom…… "OMG I was in the wrong freaking bathroom!!!!" she yell whispered.

"I have to hide before people find out and think I'm crazy"….yah like they didn't already.

'But where do I hide?' she thought.

"Oh I know, behind the plants!!!" Alice said going into the green room…..seconds later the sprinkler system came on.

"Oh this day just keeps getting worse and worse!!!" Alice cried as she ran back into the main part of the store, this time over to the woman and health product aisle.

Sam and Quil were there, "Hey Sam whatcha buying?" Alice asked coming over to him to get a better look.

"Oh…it's Emily's time of the month." Sam said as he picked up a box of tampons. "Oh…….." Alice said awkwardly.

"So Quil what are you buying?" she asked changing the subject.

"Nothing……" Quil said as he hid something behind his back.

"No really, let me see." Alice said as she took what he had in his hands from him. "Why the hell are you buying condoms when your girlfriends 4 you pervert!!" Alice yelled hitting him with Sam's box of tampons.

"Hey, I was going to buy those. Sam said as he picked the dented box up off the floor. Tampons were spilling everywhere. "Oh God, if this wasn't embarrassing enough." Sam mumbled picking everything up off the floor.

"It's not like that…I wasn't gonna." Quil started.

"Then what were you doing with those?" Alice asked.

"There flavored." Quil said.

"What the hell kind of excuse is that, just answer the question!!!!" Alice said hitting him with the tampons again.

"OH MY GOD, I JUST FINISHED PICKING THOSE UP!!!!!" Sam yelled getting back on the floor.

"I wouldn't touch that floor, it's disgusting." Alice said turning to Sam.

"It's not like I have much of a choice." He groaned. At this point Quil tried to make his escape.

"Not so fast!!!" Alice said grabbing him by the shirt collar…..Since when did he where a shirt? Oh that was beside the point.

"I asked you a question and your going to answer me, have you been doing inappropriate things with a four year old?" Alice asked.

"Of course-" He started, not yet finished with his sentence.

"Of course? What kind of sick pervert are you!?!?!?!" Alice asked.

"Yah!!!!!!" Sam said hitting him this time.

"I was going to say of course not!! NOT!!! Did you hear that?!?!?!?! Of course not!!!!!!" Quil yelled…..Everyone was staring at him now……At least Alice didn't look crazy anymore……….

"Then what exactly were you going to do with those?" Sam asked.

"Ok, I'll admit it!!!! I like to smell them!!!! Are you happy now, I've admitted my weird secret!!!!!" Quil yelled…..everyone was still staring……….

"Then why the Hell don't you just buy fruits if you like the fruity scents?!?!?!" Sam asked.

"Because I don't feel like carrying fruits home, there way too heavy!!!" Quil said as he left the store in rage.

"Well that was odd…." Alice whispered.

"Yah……well it was Quil." Sam said.

"That's true." Alice agreed.

"I have to go buy these." Sam said as he left the store with his half full dented box of tampons……

**(Back at Emily's house) **

"Sam did you get me my things?" Emily asked.

"Yah." He said handing her the bag.

"Sam…."

"What?"

"There are only three in hear, what the Hell happened?" Emily asked confused.

"Ummm….there was an emergency at the store….." Sam said.

"What the Hell kind of emergency involves tampons?" Emily asked confused.

"It's a long story……….."

"Do I want to know?" She asked afraid of the answer.

"Um…ok I'll tell you what happened….well I was in the aisle when Alice came up to Quil and asked him why he was buying condoms if his girlfriend is 4 years old and", Sam started.

"You know what never mind, I don't want to know, I'll just go to the store myself." Emily said as she got into her car.

"Well I tried…" Sam said as he sat down to watch TV.

**(Back at Wal-Mart with Alice) **

"Oh now what am I suppose to do, everyone's gone and I still have another hour." Alice whined as her phone started to ring.

"Hello?" She answered.

"Hey Alice it's Rose, I just wanted to remind you that you have to come out of the store dressed in there cloths…so you better start shopping." Rose laughed as she hung up.

"Oh yah…this is just great…." Alice said as she slowly walked over to the cloths section of the store really trying not to freak out this time….it wasn't working so well.

"Ewe Bella owns that shirt……and that one……ewe I think I've seen her in those shorts too." 'How the hell does she shop hear? Does she think these cloths are cute?' Alice thought to herself.

"Well I might as well start looking I guess." Alice said as she slowly inched deeper and deeper into the tee shirt section.

"Ok why the hell does this shirt have a patch randomly placed in the middle of it? And why does that one say sexy? Anyone who has ever brought that shirt has not been sexy." Alice muttered.

"OMG this one is a puck green, why the hell would you want a puck colored shirt?" Alice asked as a woman came up to her.

"Oh that's so cute, I'll take that." The woman said grabbing the shirt from her hands.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!" Alice asked.

"What? You wanted this shirt? I'm sorry." The lady said giving it back to her.

"NO!!!! I would never want that shirt." She said throwing it on the ground.

"Hey, don't do that!!!" The lady said picking the shirt up off the floor.

"Do you seriously think that that shirts cute?" Alice asked.

"Yah…you don't?"

"Hell no, it's the color of puck is there something wrong with you? Do you want to look like you puked on yourself?" Alice asked.

"This is my favorite color!!!" The lady said defending the shirt.

"What ever lady, you must really have a problem." Alice said walking away.

"Oh Great, I have 45 minutes to find a half decent outfit in this place." Alice mumbled.

"Well if I'm going to touch these things I might as well put these on." Alice said putting gloves on….she wasn't chancing anything.

"Why do you have gloves on? Are you afraid of catching something?" Another employee asked.

"Yes, bad taste." Alice shivered. "Though I've probably already caught it, tomorrow I'll probably wake up in sweat pants." Alice muttered.

"Hey, I like sweat pants." The lady from before whispered.

"You see, only people like that would where sweat pants!!!" She pointed.

"Are you insulting me again?" The lady asked hitting her with her Wal-Mart purse……it was fake fur and the hairs were getting all over the place.

"This is what causes air pollution." Alice said ripping the purse into pieces.

"You owe me four bucks!!!!!!" That lady yelled.

"Do you have change for a hundred?" She asked giving her the money.

"No………." The lady said as she ran off.

"OMG I was just ripped off!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Oh Damn I'm running out of time, I better hurry this up or I'll probably be stuck in hear even longer." Alice said as she got back to looking at the "cloths"…….she used the term lightly……

"This isn't so horrible." Alice said as she picked up a pink tank top…… "Now lets just see what it's made of." She said lifting up the tag.

"20% cotton, 30% newspaper, 40% UN known fabric, 10% hot dog." Alice read.

"What the hell? How could a shirt be made of hot dog….and news paper?" Alice asked as she put the shirt back down…….

"Umm….I think I'll keep looking." Alice said gently setting the shirt down and backing away.

Next she picked up a simple tee shirt. "Well let's see what this tag says..." Alice said a little afraid of what she was going to find……

"30% sea weed, 20% candle wax, 10% candy rappers, and 40% toilet paper…what the hell is wrong with these people?" Alice asked.

"And why are all these cloths so huge?!?!?!?!?" She screamed.

"Oh Miss, I think you belong in thee children's section." One of the workers said leading the way.

"This is some kind of sick Joke!!!!" Alice yelled.

"No, I think you'll be able to fit in a children's large." The man said.

"Oh God this is the worst shopping experience ever!!!" Alice muttered. Just then an announcement came over the loud speaker.

"If you don't have a great experience at our stores please call our 1800 number and tell us what happened."

"Oh I am so calling that number." Alice said getting out her phone.

"Hello welcome to the Wal-Mart hot line what is your problem?" The lady asked.

"Well first of all your cloths are made form toilet paper and hot dog!!!!" Alice yelled.

"There seams to be a problem with your phone connection please hang up and try again." They said hanging up.

"Oh My God." She yelled.

"This store sucks do you hear me people this is the worst store ever!!!!!!!!!!" She yelled.

"Excuse me Miss but if you keep yelling were going to have to kick you out." The worker said.

"Oh….sorry." Alice started to say. "Hey…wait a minute, I wouldn't really mind of I was kicked out of hear."

"Well if you do get kicked out were forced to call the cops." The guy said.

"Awe damn…well I need to get back to shopping so I guess I'll be good." She said going over to the children's cloths.

"Ok, have a nice time and please come again." The guy said walking away.

"Hey, I thought you hated me." Alice said.

"Oh, I do, we just have to say that to all the customers." The guy said walking away.

"Oh I guess I might as well finish this." Alice said as she looked threw the rack of tee shirts.

"OMG 100% cotton, I've never been so happy to see cotton in my life!!!" Alice yelled.

"OMG look at that crazy girl." One of the kids there said to another.

"Excuse me; I'm crazy you're the one dressed up like Hannah Montana." Alice yelled.

"Come on, let's get out of hear." The girl whispered to the other. "Yah, before she blows."

"I am not going to- oh you know what I have not yet stooped so low to yell at children." Alice said stopping herself.

"You know what I don't even care what outfit I get anymore." Alice said picking up random cloths.

"Wait, did I just say that? OMG I'm turning into Bella." Alice said as she went over to the changing rooms.

"It's going to be ok, I'm sure Bella would never look at herself before she brought something." Alice said opening the door to the changing room….The first changing room door she opened some one was already changing….

"Oops, sorry." Alice said closing the door…..The second door she opened people were making out……

"This is a changing room people when people tell you to get a room this is so not what they mean!!" Alice yelled. The people didn't care they just slammed the door on her face…..The next one she opened had a lady knitting toilet paper and hot dogs together,

"What the hell are you doing?" Alice asked in utter confusion.

"What does it look like I'm doing…making tee shirts." The lady said holding up a competed shirt.

"That is not possible!!!"

"Yes it is, hear feel it." The lady said handing her the shirt.

"Ewe, I don't want to touch that thing!!!" Alice said backing away.

"You know what, I'm not even going to try these on, I'm just buying them." Alice said as she went to the cheek out line.

There were two small boys with water guns in front of her. "Hey lady could we ask you something?"

"What?"

"Do you think this is powerful enough?" The boy said squirting her with the massive water gun.

"OMG I already got sprayed with the sprinklers, stop it." She said taking the water gun away from him.

"Mommy, that lady stole my water gun." The kid said turning to his mother.

"Oh so first you make fun of my outfits and then you steal from my children." The lady yelled.

"Hey you owe me change for that hundred dollars!!' Alice yelled.

"NO I don't." The lady said walking away.

Well at least she was next in line now….who would her cheek out man be?

"Hey Alice." Oh God, Mike Newton, could this day get any worse?

"Hello." She mumbled.

"So…um what's wrong with your brother?" He asked.

"Which one?"

"Edward."

"Oh your talking about the whole I love you thing aren't you?" She asked.

"Yah, what was up with that?"

"Oh that was all true." Alice said walking away. She finally saw her family at the door; oh they were so going to pay.

"Hey Alice so you didn't die?" Bella asked.

"Oh shut up Bella, your shirts made of ho dog!!!!!" Alice yelled.

"What the hell?"

"She must really be loony."

"We left her in too long!!!"

"No, I'm serious, cheek the tag." Alice said….when she did it was true.

"Oh My God that's weird."

"Hey Bells maybe Jake only like you cause you smell like food." Edward laughed.

"Oh shut up you gay Volvo loving loser, the only reason you like her is for her sent." Jacob yelled.

"Gay Volvo loving loser?"

"Don't ask……

"Alice why the hell are you wearing a Dora the explorer tee shirt?" Jasper asked.

"B- b- b- because they- they- they- ma- ma- made me shop in the ch- chil- children's section!!!!!!" Alice cried.

Everyone burst into laughter.

"Well you are small…….

"This is so not funny!!!" Alice yelled.

"Yes it is..." Jasper said.

"I wouldn't be laughing too hard jasper, your next!!!!!!!" Alice smiled evilly.

"Hey, where's Emmett?"

"He was afraid to come back….."

**Authors note: Well that was long…but funny though right? Well I hope it was funny, anyway what should happen to Jasper? **


	8. Jasper or Jasmine?

**Authors note: Thank you so much for the reviews people. Some of you make me laugh so hard….I'm really glad I've been keeping you all happy!!!! I love you all so much please keep reviewing. The reviews make me so very happy they inspire me to write more (=**

"So Jazzy tell me something." Alice started. "Did you enjoy tying me up to that pole in Wal-Mart?" Alice asked coming closer to him.

"Ummm……"

"Now tell the truth." Alice said as she put her hands on his shoulders.

"Yes." He said honestly. Just as he said that she clawed into his shoulders like an angry cat.

"Ok, then answer this…..truth or dare?" She asked. He was very, very afraid now….he should have never tied her up in Wal-Mart….oh she was going to get payback……an ultimate revenge…..if he didn't pick dare she'd get him back later…..and that payback would probably be even more horrible then what she had planed now…..So he picked……

"Dare." Jasper said….Oh God what was going to happen to him?

"Ok then….Carlisle." Alice started.

"You're not bringing me into this are you?" Carlisle asked afraid.

"No….I was going to ask you, how many pregnant people are in that class this week at the hospital?" Alice asked…..where was she going with this?

"10….why?" Carlisle answered questioningly.

"I'm getting to that…..ok Jasper you know how pregnant woman are overly emotional?" Alice asked.

"I dare you to go down to the becoming a mother class and sit threw there meeting where they talk about there problems." Alice said.

"But….pregnant people are overly emotional, one minute there singing and laughing and the next minute there screaming and crying…..there emotions will surly give me a migraine.

"Great, that's what I was hoping for." Alice laughed evilly. "We have to catch this on camera….but before we do did anyone get me in Wal-Mart on camera?" Alice asked worried.

"Um hum." Esme said.

"Esme I can't believe you, how could you film that?" Alice asked utterly disappointed. "I mean you're my mother…my own mother video taped the most horrid moments of my life?" Alice asked.

"Of course-" Esme started.

"Of course? What kind of sick joke is this!?!?!?" Alice yelled.

"Of course not, I was going to say of course not, God you really need to let people finish…anyway I didn't video tape you……I just took the tape the store had…same with Emmett, we have the tape from the jail too." Esme said. "Speaking of Emmett….where is he?" Esme asked looking around, he still wasn't back yet…or so they thought……

"I'm over hear." Emmett said coming out of the bush…..He was a little stuck.

"God why the hell do we keep so many things in hear?" Emmett asked as he desperately tried to pull his foot out.

"That's exactly what I've been saying!!!" Bella yelled….No one was really paying much attention to her though, they all wanted to see what Jasper was going to do…..

"Well are you going to get over there and do your dare?" Alice asked. Jasper didn't move, he was frozen in a very odd trance.

"Edward, what's he thinking about?" Alice asked.

"The crazy emotions of pregnant people." Edward said shuttering at the thought, he was just happy he wasn't the one that was going to be locked in that room…..This was all Jazz's fault though, he should have never tied Alice to that pole in Wal-Mart…..Speaking of that do you know how weird that sounds?…….moving on……

"What happens if I don't do the dare?" Jasper asked.

"Um…if one of the guys doesn't do his dare all the other guys have to……spend an hour shopping at the mall with me, and if the girls don't do there's….they have…take there tops off." Alice said in compromise.

"Hey, I didn't sign up for that!!!" Bella yelled.

"No, but I did." Jake said, Bella sneered at him, while Edward tried to stop reading Jake's disturbingly perverted mind.

"Oh would you stop it with the thoughts!?!?!?" Edward yelled.

"You don't have to look in my head!!" Jacob yelled standing up.

"Boys please, not another fight." Rose said getting in between them.

"Shut up peacock, I can handle this." Jacob said pushing her aside.

"Does it really look that horrible?" Rose asked.

"Yes." Everyone said in unison….Well except Jake……he didn't want to admit he did a horrible job.

"I knew you knew it looked horrible!!!" Edward yelled.

"Hey, I told you to stay out of my mind!!!" Jacob yelled.

"This isn't going to grow back is it?" Rose asked. Everyone shock there heads, Rose started to dry sob.

"Look on the bright side Rose, at least there are hair extensions…and wigs." Alice said trying to cheer her up.

"I want my own hair back!!!!" Rose yelled. She couldn't produce real tears so she threw water on her face to improvise.

"Hear, I think this is some." Jake said taking a stand of blond hair off the ground and putting it on her head.

"You're such an idiot mongrel!!!" Rose yelled as she started chasing Jacob.

"Hey, what did I do?" Jacob asked as he started to run.

"You're the one who cut it off so you must die!!!!" Rose yelled. When they were completely out of sight Alice said, "Well ok….lets get on with the dare."

Jazz had been really quite this entire time, just prying that if he didn't speak maybe some how everyone would forget about him and he wouldn't have to do this….but since that wasn't working he decided to point out flaws in the plan.

"Alice, how am I supposed to get in if only pregnant women are allowed?" He asked hoping this would break her….But knowing Alice she always had a plan up her sleeve………

"Oh, that's right; I guess will have to dress you up like a pregnant woman then." Alice said as she dragged him to her costume closet. Everyone was laughing now at the thought of picturing Jazz as a pregnant woman.

"Oh I can't believe I get to give you a makeover this is going to be so much fun." Alice said as Jazz cringed.

"First let's do you makeup." Alice said leaning over him, he could have sworn the character on her shirt was laughing at him.

"Stupid evil Dora the Explorer." Jasper mumbled…why the hell was she even still wearing that shirt?

"Jasper are you talking to inanimate objects again?" Alice asked.

"Maybe…." Jasper mumbled.

"I swear your getting as bad as Jacob, first that clock and now a tee shirt." Alice said as she started applying eye shadow.

"I told you I thought it was a real dog….and I swear that shirt was smiling at me." Jasper said. "Ouch, that hurts what the hell are you doing trying to poke my eye out?" Jasper asked as Alice applied the black eye liner.

"And why so much black? Do you think I'm emo or something?" Jasper asked.

"I always have." Alice muttered, oh and by the way that dog you thought you saw was a rock." Alice said as she went back to the makeup table to get lip gloss.

The rest of the family was listening from down stairs. "Jasper I said stop licking it!!!" Alice yelled.

"But it tastes so good."

"I don't care if it tastes like cotton candy I said leave your lip gloss alone, and don't rub your eyes you're going to ruin your makeup!!! Oh God you see what you did now your mascara is running!!" Alice yelled.

"So glad I'm not in his position." Jacob muttered.

"Alice is turning Jazz into jasmine." Rose snickered.

"Ha, ha, ha, yah." Jacob said giving Rose a high five.

"There being nice to each other again Edward, you see I told you the world is coming to an end!!!" Bella yelled. Edward laughed at that comment, Bella was such an over reactor…though this was a little strange……..

"Alice no!!!!!!! I am not wearing fake boobs you can not make me!!!" Jasper yelled as he started running down the stairs. Everyone was laughing hysterically, Jasper was in a yellow and pink sun dress with a huge fake pregnant stomach and one fake boob half coming out while Alice was running after him with the other fake boob in her hands.

"Get back hear Jasmine you are going to finish getting dressed of I'm going to force you out like that!!!" Alice yelled.

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh really try me." Alice said opening the door.

"Fine, let's finish this." Jasper said sitting back down in the makeover chair.

"Good choice." Alice said finishing his makeup and outfit and putting a brown wig on his head. He looked kinda like the girl from the secret life of the American teenager, pregnant and all.

*******************

When Alice was finished she come down and announced…."Ladies and gentlemen I now present Jasmine." Alice yelled.

Jasper looked so embarrassed….Even Esme and Carlisle were laughing at him.

"Can we go to this stupid program already?" Jasp- Jasmine asked.

"Yah sure…" Alice said as everyone got into there cars.

Gay Volvo lover was driving klutz and mongrel while muscle man was with peacock and the pixy was driving the pregnant woman and the other dog. Why were they using code names you ask?.......I have no idea…………….

***********************

"Ok were hear." Alice cheered as she pushed everyone out of there cars.

"Uhhhh." Jasper groaned. He really didn't want to do this.

When they got into the hospital they went threw the day care center and were awaited by 10 other pregnant women.

"Hello I'm Kerry and this is our group, you must be Jasmine." The head pregnant woman said.

"Um, yah." Jasper said trying to sound as much like a woman as possible.

"Well nice to meet you Jasmine, in today's lesion we are going to talk about what feeling's we've all been having in this past month." Kerry announced.

"Ok Jennifer lets start with you." Kerry said as she took a seat, everyone was in a circle….it was scary………

"Well this month started out pretty well, I was all happy until me husband came home and I asked him to bring me back a sandwich and…..and he brought me a taco!!!!!" The lady cried.

"Oh Jen that's so sad!!!!" Kerry said as everyone in the room started crying.

Jasper was rubbing his temples 'way too much emotion' he thought.

After two minutes everyone stopped there sobbing and he thought this madness was finally over….he looked up and everyone was staring at him.

"What?" he said in a normal voice. "I mean what?" He said again this time more like a girl.

"Why aren't you crying?" Kerry asked.

"Um….."

"This lady is so mean!!!!" They yelled….They went from happy, to depressed, to angry in less then five minutes.

"Yah lets get her!!!!!" They said as they talked Jasper which probably wasn't the best idea considering they were 6 month pregnant women.

One managed to take off his wig…which was also odd considering he fact that Alice had glued it on.

"Oh my God!!!!!! This isn't even a lady!!!!!!" They yelled as they started screaming and kicking him.

"Ouch….stop…..no!!!! Please…..it was just a dare!!!!! I'm sorry please stop hitting me with the lamp…..Lady you may be a black belt but I don't think that's such a great idea if you're pregnant!!!!!!! Oh I hate Karate!!!! Please don't hurt me I'm Doctor Cullen's son!!!!" Just then everyone stopped.

"Oh so this is that Edward boy he's always talking about." One lady said.

"No…his other son." Jasper said.

"Oh, you mean Emmett?' The lady asked.

"No, Jasper."

"He's never mentioned a Jasper."

"This is a fraud girls!!! If Dr. Cullen had three sons he would have said something, he loves talking about his children."

"Yah, he even talks about that Bella girl and that Jacob boy." The lady said.

"What the hell? He talks about Jacob and not me?"

Before he could say anything else they ladies started beating him again…..Luckily his family came in time……

"Ladies please stop!!" Carlisle said as he ran into the room.

"Oh so this is your son, were so sorry, it's just you've never mentioned a Jasper." Kerry said.

"Yah…why haven't you mentioned a Jasper?" Jasper asked.

"Um….." Carlisle started.

"Truth or dare!!!!" Jasper yelled.

"But-"

"I said truth or dare!!!"

"Oh God." Carlisle said hitting himself on the head God knows what Jasper could be thinking…………

**Authors Note: Ok so that was another chapter…..hopefully funny…..oh btw I would just like to confirm I have absolutely nothing against Wal-Mart……just thought I'd say that LOL.**


	9. story time!

**Authors note: Hey guys so this is chapter 9 bum, bum, bum, what will happen to Carlisle? Will he pick truth or dare? Why didn't he ever mention Jasper? Lets find out shall we………. **

"So Carlisle truth or dare?" Jasper asked again.

"Um……" Carlisle started he was way too afraid to pick dare but if he picked truth god knows what his son would ask…….

"Pick one already." Jasper said trying to sound threatening……yah it didn't really work considering he looked like a pregnant woman……..

"Um……truth I guess." Carlisle said, hey it had to be better then dare.

"Ok um…..let's see…….um……" Jasper started.

"Jazz would you just spit it out!!!" Edward yelled.

"Sorry…..I haven't thought of anything yet….Oh I know, you know that show the untold stories of the ER?" Jasper asked.

"Yes…what about it?" Carlisle asked.

"Well do you have any weird stories like they do on that show?" Jasper asked.

Carlisle could think of a few………

"Well tell away." Edward said.

"Well ok….um a couple of years back there was this woman in the ER….she was having a baby….her boyfriend went to the cafeteria to get lunch….Anyway I walk in and I'm not a delivery doctor as you know but the delivery doctor was out sick….i think he had some stomach flu thing of something anyway this lady's boyfriend had a very un canny likeness with me……I come into the room and she goes Lou what the hell are you doing you can't deliver my baby.

"I try to explain to her that I'm the doctor and not Lou but she already met the other doctor and thinks that I'm crazy."

"Well what happened?" Emmett asked everyone was really interested in this story….. "Wait you know what before you get to the good part let me get the popcorn." Emmett said running inside.

"Wait Emmett, you can't eat!!!" Rose said running after him, they didn't want a second puking incident tonight.

"Ok well anyway I keep telling her that I'm a real doctor and of course this Lou guy is no where to be seen. Her best friend comes and calls the cops on me for impersonating a doctor and then yells Lou you idiot I knew you were no good as she hits me with hospital supplies…stupid respirator machine, I don't know why that was even in there." He thought back.

"Yah, whatever anyway keep going…" Esme said kinda bored, she didn't like hearing about other women.

"Well anyway her friend calls the cops on me while the lady starts having the baby on her own, the cops come in and start taking me away and Lou comes back and says… "Honey I got the pudding….did I miss anything, thank God I didn't go to jail." Carlisle said.

"You know honey that wasn't such an interesting story." Esme said.

"I can't believe you would make fun of my story like that." Carlisle said.

"Well…I'm just telling the truth."

"Your just jealous because I get to talk to so many women at work." Carlsile said.

"Not uh."

"Yes huh."

"Um um."

"You know what talk to the hand."

"Oh my god you two are acting like children!!!" Edward screamed.

"No were not!!"

"Yes you are!!!"  
"Edward shut up now your doing it!!!" Bella yelled.

"Why is everyone yelling what did we miss?" Emmett asked.

"A lot……you guys were gone for twenty minutes." Alice said.

"Yah well…we were busy, doing things." Rose said.

"Yah things….."

"So is it Esme's turn now?" Alice asked.

Everyone turned around….she was gone.

"Where did she go?" Emmett asked.

"Who cares, she was being a bruja anyway." Carlisle said.

Everyone gasped…. "Carlisle how could you say that about your wife…and in Spanish?"

"Well…your right, I don't know what I'm saying, where do you think she went?"

"Um…maybe she didn't want to go next…"

"That makes sense…so you want to start round two?"

"Before we do lets take a break, everyone gets to tell there greatest fear and there weirdest pleasure." Alice said.

"Well how will anyone know if we lie?" Jacob asked.

"Oh….I think Edward will be able to tell." Alice said…Edward smiled.

"Damn." Jacob muttered, why did he ever agree to play this?

"Well who gets to go first?" Jacob asked.

"Well maybe we should go by who had to do the worst thing in the first round." Carlisle said.

"That's a good idea, ok so I'll go first." Emmett said.

"Excuse me!!" Alice yelled

"What?" Emmett asked.

"You may have went to jail but I was locked in Wal-Mart!!!!" Alice pointed out.

"You may have been locked up in Wal-Mart but I was beat up by pregnant women and had to dress up like a girl!!!!" Jasper yelled.

"Hey you think you had it bad I had to propose to Mike Newton!!!" Edward yelled.

"I was chased by my sister with a knife, she's the real bruja." Seth muttered.

"You think that's horrible this one cut off my beautiful hair!!!!!!" Rose yelled. "Look at this!!! It looks like it was chopped off with a knife!!!!"

"Oh boo hoo, it will grow back." Alice yelled.

"No it won't!!!!!" Rose yelled.

"Oh yah…….."

The only one who wasn't yelling was Bella, she really didn't do anything…..

"How are we ever going to settle this?" Emmett yelled.

"Well I don't know, maybe we should let Bella decide….since she's the only one who's not yelling." Alice said.

"No way she'll probably pick stupid Edward…or after tonight maybe Jacob." Emmett complained.

"Hey, you don't know who I'll pick." Bella said…she was right no one really knew…….

**So guy who do you think had to do the worst thing? Who should win? Who should Bella chose? It's all up to you guys so leave a review and ****VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	10. GO SIT IN THE CORNER!

**Authors note: Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing and in the last chapter voting I hope you all enjoy this chapter (= Please keep reading and reviewing (= Love you all soooooooooooooooo much (= Sorry the last chapter was short and not too funny but I had to get that one out of the way so that we could start being really funny again anyway I'm babbling on hear so lets just get to the story (=**

**(This parts in Bella's POV)**

I really had no idea who to pick at this point. Everyone was staring at me; you could just tell they were screaming in there heads pick me, pick me!!!!! If I were Edward right now I'd probably have a migraine……it look like he did.

Awe poor Edward so much pressure. Wait, what am I saying? I'm under way more pressure hear then he is, I can't make a good decision right now, everyone's still fighting. Can't they act like a family?

Hey I've got an idea, if this family won't be nice to each other maybe we can do a few trust building exercises…yah that will stall time and maybe even help with my decision….

**(Third person)**

"Ok guys, I've made my decision." Bella said standing up.

"What is it? Who won is it me? It's me right? Did I win?" Alice asked.

"Um….no." Bella said.

"You see I told you she'd pick Jacob!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett, I didn't pick Jacob." Bella said.

"Then did you pick me?" Emmett asked.

"No, not you either." Bella said backing away from Emmett.

"Of course she didn't pick you guys; everyone knows she'd pick me." Edward said kissing her.

"Um actually Edward not you either." Bella said stepping away from him as well.

Rose laughed. "Of course she picked me. I don't know how you guys could ever think she'd pick you."

"Um actually Rose….I didn't pick you, I didn't pick anyone yet." Bella said….everyone looked very upset now.

"Now before you start yelling at me, I have to say something." Bella started.

"What that you picked Esme or something?" Emmett asked.

"No, that I can't pick yet…all of you guys are fighting with each other, this game is tarring us all apart, before I can chose any of you, you all need to apologize and act like a family, we need to start fresh." Bella said.

"Well how are we going to do that?" Jasper asked.

"Simple, were all going to vent our feelings threw poetry." Bella said.

"What the hell? Poetry? I thought truth building was when you do that falling thing." Emmett said.

"Yah……I hate to say it but he's got a point." Carlisle said.

"Are you trying to call me stupid or something?" Emmett asked.

"Well sometimes you can be a little out there." Carlisle started.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Emmett asked.

"You see what I'm talking about guys; this whole game is tarring everyone apart!!!!" Bella screamed. "Now let's get to that poetry shall we?" Bella said calmly. At this point she was starting to look as insane as Alice at Wal-Mart…..and let me tell you that was pretty bad……..

"Awe Bells but I don't want to write poetry." Jacob whined.

"You're going to write it and your going to like it!!!!" Bella yelled….Funny. She was actually acting a bit intimidating. Wait Bella intimidating? Are you sure you have the right girl?

"I SAID WRITE!!!!!" Yup………

"Fine." Jacob said submissively taking a piece of paper.

"Bella." Emmett started.

"What?"

"Ju….ju…..just who…are….we writing t…to?" He stuttered…..it took a lot make a vampire stutter……..

"Oh yah…I forgot to explain the assignment." Bella said.

"Assignment? What are we in class?" Rose whispered to Emmett.

"Shh Rose, you're going to get us in trouble with the teacher." Emmett shuddered threw his teeth.

Bella glared at them and got back to what she was saying…..god she was a tough teacher. "Now as I was saying you each must write a poem to the person you hate most of this group and tell them what you dislike about them."

Alice raised her hand……

"Yes?" Bella asked looking at Alice.

"Will we be presenting these to the whole class?" Alice asked.

"Yes, but you still have to make it truthful even if others are going to hear it." Bella said.

"Oh shit!!" Jacob muttered.

"What was that Jacob?" Bella asked.

"Nothing Miss Swan……It's just that I don't really think I can rhyme." Jacob said looking at the piece of paper.

"Jacob you're a bright student I'm sure you'll think of something." Bella said with a smile.

Edward snickered. "Something funny? Would you like to share it with the class?" Bella asked.

"Nothing Miss Swan." Edward said looking down at his paper.

"Oh really?" She asked.

"Well….I just thought it was funny how you thought Jacob was a bright student." Edward said.

"Miss Swan!!" Jacob called out.

"Oh what is it now?" She asked getting annoyed with all the questions.

"Can I write two poems, there is more then one person I despise in this group." Jake said glaring at Edward.

"Ooh despise, that's a big word for you mutt, I'm impressed." Edward laughed.

"That's it, you two in the corner." Bella yelled.

"Bella, no need to discourage you but we cant go into the corner…were outside." Edward pointed out.

"Well it that case you go face that tree and you go face that one." Bella said pointing to trees on opposite sides of the forest.

"Fine." Jacob and Edward said in unison as they got up. Emmett couldn't help it, he burst out into laughter.

"Would you care to share what it is that's so funny?" Bella asked Emmett with her big ruler trying to look intimidating.

"Edward's in the corner!!!" Emmett laughed.

Bella couldn't take it anymore, "That's it you go in that corner over there!!" Bella yelled pointing to yet another tree.

"Fine….."Emmett said as he slowly got up.

"Faster!!!" Bella said about to hit him with her oversized ruler.

"Ok fine I'm going just please don't hit me with the ruler!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Then I suggest you hurry it up." Bella yelled.

**(Jacob's Point of view.) **

I can not believe I was put in a damn corner!!!! This was all Edward's fault…..and why the hell was I even writing this poem? Why is everyone listening to Bella anyway? I don't know but I better start writing before she yells at me again. Now what the hell rhymes with Blondie?

Let's see, _Blondie you are such a bitch that if you dress up for Halloween like a witch people would be like, where's your costume? _

Hey, this is actually starting to come out pretty good if I do say so myself…..though then again I did think I did her hair nice and everyone else thought it looked like crap so…my opinion means nothing….anyway lets see what else I've got. _You constantly nag and brag I don't know how anyone could love you._ Hey, that rhymed too, I'm starting to like poetry.

_You say I'm the dog but who's the one who keeps barking? _Ok well that part didn't really rhyme but hey, it's true…..

_I may smell like a tree but you smell like dog pee and the sickening sweetness of a flower. _Well part of that is true……..

_You hate but you've got to appreciate cause I'm cool and, when I come threw you mouth floods like a pool, cause I'm hot and your not and you know you want me that's why you just drool_**.** There we go, now that's the most amazing poem every, yeah me I did such a good job.

**(Edward's point of view)**

I laughed when I heard what Jacob was writing, such an idiot, he wouldn't know good poetry if it bit him on the butt. Now let's get back to my poem. _Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, how shall I start, well I can tell you this I want to hit you with a tranquilizer dart. _Yes, that's a very nice start, truthful yet it rhymes…..anyway back to writing.

_I want to crush you and smash you until you are dead, because all you ever think about is my Bella in bed. _Hey, that rhymed again, oh yah I rule!!!!

Ok that's really good, lets keep it going….._Bella is mine, no matter how much you beg or whine you will never win, cause I have her heart and you are a sin. _Um hum that's so the truth...lets keep it going. _I know you'll never understand but I want you out of hear, vamoose goon, why don't you go join a band. Sing your little love song but while you are remember this Bella and I are long gone and you will slowly die in an abyss._

Ok, that's long enough; I've got this one in the bag.

**(Rose)**

Well let's se what can I say about that retched dog? I might have a few things…._Dog you suck and you think you can fuck but you don't have a girl, no one wants you. _Ooh, very nice start.

_You say people drool but you need to go die in a pool…actually maybe an ocean, I'll push you._ Damn right I will.

_You drive me insane, and you think I'm so vain but you don't know me…_He really doesn't know me….._I am so cool I rule which brings me back to saying, weren't you going to go die in a pool? You should get to that, don't worry I'll drown you…._

_You say that I'm blond but that's all you ever say, and for your information I'm not blond, no not today…._

_Why you ask…well you should know you cut my hair and it looks like a fro…no people with a fro look better then me my hair looks so horrible I hate you!!!! _I wrote so hard I ripped a hole in the paper. ……

**(Alice) **__

_Now Jasper you are my mate and I love you…but you tied me up in Wal-Mart which makes me want to kill you, so this I why I'm writing this to you_. I wrote. Ok now that I've got that down might as well start this thing. I thought……

_I was, locked in Wal-Mart, trapped because of you. There was absolutely nothing to do. You tied me to a wall which makes me apaul not only you but this whole family too, you're all dodo,_ Oh yah, I can rhyme, this is coming out so nicely!!!

**(Emmett) **

Who am I suppose to write about? Well Edward annoys the hell out of me so how about him….._Edward you annoy the hell out of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Well that's pretty self explanatory; I think I'm finished….

**(Jasper)**

Who should I write about? Oh I know my horrid father who never talks about me, let's make this poem about him. I thought as I began to write.

_Carlisle you say you're my father. If you're such a great father then why not talk about me? I thought you loved me ?!?!?!?!? _Hey this doesn't rhyme…..oh whatever…..rhyming is for happy people……I'm not special enough to rhyme. It's all cause my daddy doesn't love me!!!!!! )=

**(Third person)**

"Jasper why are you crying?" Bella asked.

"Because I'm not special enough to rhyme because my daddy doesn't love me!!!!!!" He yelled. Everyone looked kinda freaked, yet very upset…they all glared at Carlisle in unison.

"Carlisle you made Jasper cry now get in the corner mister!!!" Bella yelled.

"But I didn't do anything!!!"

"Yes you did now get in that corner!!!" Bella said spanking him with the ruler.

"Ouch!!!"

"You're a vampire how could that hurt?" Bella asked.

"Well it didn't…..I just like to say that for dramatic effect." Carlisle said….ok weird…….

"What are you looking at Jacob get back to work or I'll put you in the corner!!!!" Bella yelled.

"I'm already in the corner!!!!!" Jacob yelled.

"Don't back sass me mister!!!"

*************************

Half an hour later………

"Ok guys you've been writing for almost an hour but in the interest of time were just going to pass the poems out to the person you wrote them for instead of speaking them to the class.

"Now hand them in." Bella said taking the papers.

"Ok let's see one for Edward." Bella said giving him the paper.

"Who hates me?" Edward asked glaring at Jacob.

"Don't look at me I wrote about Blondie." Jacob defended himself.

"Then who….Emmett!!!" Edward yelled looking at the paper.

"Um hum." Emmet said confidently.

"What the hell did I ever do to you?" Edward asked.

"I don't know why don't you read and find out." Emmett said.

"Ok, dear Edward, I hate you because you annoy the hell out of me explanation point explanation point explanation point…..Emmett why does this go on for four pages?" Edward asked.

"Because I felt that was necessary, and that's not all I wrote, go to the end of page four." Emmett smiled.

"P.S. you also suck because you don't let me call you Eddie." Edward read. "Wow, that was some poem Emmett." Edward said sarcastically.

"Thank you."

"Ok next up lets see, there are three for Jacob." Bella said handing him the papers.

"Oh joy, I feel so loved." Jacob said taking his papers.

"Let's see, Edward, Rose, and…..Seth….What the hell man!!!!"

"Well…….."

"I thought you loved me." Jacob said.

"Hey, don't blame me you almost killed me tonight." Seth defended himself.

"Yah, only because you sold me out!!!! Oh you know what I don't even care, I might as well just read these damn things….now what does Blondie think of me?" He asked as he read.

"Um Bella." Jake said as he stopped reading.

"Is she allowed to curse in this?" Jacob asked.

"Curse? Huh?" Bella read the paper. "Rose that was mean and severely inappropriate."

"You said tell you true feelings, don't hold back." Rose reasoned.

"Well I guess that is true." Bella agreed.

"Wait a second…she's not even going to get in trouble?" Jacob asked.

"Um…."

"Wait a second, she should be put in the corner." Jacob said.

"Oh Jake would it make you feel better if I took you out of the corner?" Bella asked.

"Yes."

"Wait a second, he gets out of the corner and I don't?" Edward whined.

"I told you she liked the dog better." Emmett whispered to Jasper.

"I never said that, it's just that I feel bad for him cause he got three hate letters, oh you know what I'll just pass these things out." Bella said changing the subject. "Hear Rose you got one, Carlisle you got one, Jasper you too." Bella said handing out the rest of the letters.

"Who gave me a hate- Alice." Jasper said reading the letter. "How could you…..I'm your husband?"

"Well…yah I know but you did tie me to a pole in Wal-Mart." Alice argued. Everyone was yelling at each other now.

"Bella you said this would make everyone stop fighting." Emmett yelled.

"Yah, she did."

"And it didn't work."

"I say we put her in the corner!!!"

"Yah!!!" Everyone lifted her up and put her in a tree.

"This is so not right, the teacher is not suppose to be in the corner!!!!!" Bella yelled.

Everyone just walked away and got back to yelling at each other…………well this was all her fault…….

**Authors note: Ok guys so I know this wasn't truth or dare but I wanted to take a little break don't worry round two will becoming up soon but tell me, how'd you like the poems? Stupid funny both what? Please review (= **


	11. crazy secrets!

**Authors note: Hey look guys another chapter LOL I'm fast (= I wonder what questions will be answered today…will we get to round two? Will Bella ever get out of the tree? Will Esme come back? Will Carlisle apologize to jasper? Who will go first? Bum, Bum, Bum. Let's find out (=**

Everyone was back in the woods, well minus Bella…and Esme……..they still had no idea where she was, she could have been kidnapped by Mike Newton for all they know.

"Guys don't you think it was a little mean to stick Bella in that tree, I mean you know she'll never be able to get out." Jacob reasoned……Wait Jacob? Why wasn't Edward saying anything?

"Well yah…but she did stick us in a corner." Edward said.

"Come on Edward, you know you love her." Jacob said.

"Yah but she put me in the corner and she didn't let me come out, I say we leave her there for five more minutes." Edward reasoned.

"Are you crazy? By that time she'll probably jump out herself and break her leg or something." Jacob said.

"Then you go get her." Edward said.

"Why?"

"Because I'm busy…."

"You're not doing anything." Jacob said.

"Look dog you go get her I don't want her mad at me." Edward said.

"Oh so when she's gone the true feelings come out." Jacob said.

"True feelings?" Edward repeated.

"Yah, you say you love her but you won't go and get her out of that tree." Jacob said.

"Ok…..I do love her but I'll tell you the truth." Edward said.

"And what would that be?" Jacob asked.

"That…I can climb trees but……..but I'm afraid of…..heights, there I said it I admitted the truth!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Are you getting this on camera?" Emmett whispered to Alice.

"Yup." Alice smiled, she couldn't believe Edward had just admitted such a deep dark secret.

"Well that ones going on YouTube." Jacob muttered as he went to get Bella out of the tree since her "vampire boyfriend" was too afraid to do it.

************************************

"Bells, are you up there?" Jacob asked.

"No, I climbed down myself." Bella said sarcastically.

"Well gosh Bells, you don't have to be all mean about it." Jacob said coming over to the tree.

"You put me in a tree and you think I'm going to be nice about it, are you insane?" Bella asked.

"Well hey, you shouldn't be mad at me, I'm the only one who offered to get you out." Jacob said.

"Yah like that's true where the hell is Edward?" Bella asked.

"He couldn't come." Jacob answered.

"Oh God what did you do to him?" Bella asked.

"Why are you accusing me I did absolutely nothing." Jacob said.

"Then why isn't he hear?"

"Because, he's afraid of heights." Jacob laughed.

"No he's not."

"Yes he is, ask him yourself it's true." Jacob said.

"Well even if it is true how do you know that?" Bella asked.

"He admitted it to camera, hear I got it on my cell phone too." Jacob said handing her the phone…she was still in the tree.

"I can't go cause I'm afraid of heights, there I said it." They hear Edward say threw the phone recorder.

Bella was laughing so hard she almost fell out of the tree. "Oh my God." Bella said.

"And you thought he was the real man." Jacob snickered.

"Well everyones afraid of something."

"Not me." Jacob said.

"Yes you are."

"Oh yah, if your so smart what am I afraid of?" Jacob asked.

"Ummmmmm………………….Oh I know what about….no……well how about when……no……..well when we went………I guess you weren't afraid of that either." Bella thought.

"See, you can't think of anything, let's just get you out of there." Jacob said trying to get Bella out of the tree.

"No, I'm not going back there they're all mean!!!!!" Bella yelled.

"So you're just going to live in this tree?" Jacob asked.

"Um…yah." Bella said.

"Bells, if you don't get out of that tree in the next two minutes I'm coming up there and pushing you down." Jacob threatened.

"You wouldn't." Bella said worried for his answer.

"I don't know, would I?" Jacob said as he started to climb up the tree.

************************************

**(Mean while) **

Edward was passing nervously while everyone else laughed. "I'd be worried if I were you." Emmett spoke. "They've been gone for almost half an hour, it doesn't take that long just to get someone out of a tree."

"I'm sure that there's a perfectly logical explanation." Edward said.

"Yes, there is but I don't think you want to hear it." Emmett muttered.

"That is not what they are doing!!!!!" Edward yelled. God what were these guys thinking about? Jacob was just insistently trying to get Bella out of a tree.

************************************

"Jacob I am not getting out of this tree and you can't make me!!!!" Bella yelled.

"Yes I can."

"No you can't and if you push me out of hear I will get people to hurt you!!!!" Bella yelled.

"Who are you going to get the pansy?" Jacob snickered.

"He is not a…..well maybe he is." Bella argued with herself.

"Oh whatever, you can yell at yourself later come on Bella get out of there." Jacob yelled.

"I can't." Bella whined.

"Why not…what's wrong now?" Jacob asked.

"My leg is stuck." Bella whined.

"How the hell did you get your leg stuck in a tree?" Jacob asked.

"I don't know!!!!" Bella yelled.

Jacob went over to go examine the situation. "Oh my god, your leg really is stuck in there." He said trying to move her leg.

"Ouch that hurts, stop pulling!!! It's not going to work." Bella yelled.

"Well how do you want me to get you out?" He asked.

"I don't know, a less painful way."

"Well you can always take your pants off….."

********************************

"Edward if your so worried then why don't you go look for yourself." Jasper said annoyed with Edward's emotions.

"But…I'm afraid of what I might find…." Edward muttered.

"Well might as well get it over with." Emmett said pushing Edward into the woods.

All Edward could hear was, "Stop it Jake I'm not going to take off my pants this won't work!!!"

What the hell was going on? "Bella, are you ok?" Edward asked afraid to look…..She was still up in the tree and Jake was struggling to get her out.

"Hey help me would you her leg is stuck." Jake said looking a Edward.

"Oh…..so that's what you guys were talking about." Edward mumbled awkwardly.

"Well duh, what did you think we were doing?" Bella asked.

"Hey don't look at me I came into the woods and all I heard was, "Take off your pants." Edward said in defense.

"Well we weren't….I mean I wasn't….I'm stuck in a tree ok could you please just help me down?" Bella asked.

"Um…yah." Edward said coming over. "She really is stuck in there."

"Yah, you think were going to be able to get her out?" Jacob asked.

"Um…I don't know, she might have to take off her pants." Edward muttered looking at the tree.

"Well I can't even if I wanted to my hand is over hear and my leg is way over there!!!" Bella yelled.

"Yah, she won't be able to get out by herself, one of us is going to have to climb up there." Edward muttered looking at Jacob.

"You going to help her or are you too afraid of heights?" Jacob asked.

"I can help her." Edward said going over to the tree like it was no big deal. "I'm coming Bella."

"Well if your going then why aren't you moving?" Jacob asked stepping in front of him. "You know what at this rate she's never going to get out, I'll go help her." He said as he climbed the tree. "I can't believe you're such a pansy that you can't even climb a freaking tree." Jacob muttered. Edward looked pissed off but he didn't want to climb the tree so he just went with it.

"God Bella I don't know how the hell you got twisted like this but you're really stuck." Jacob said when he got to the top.

"I think we've established that…now can you get me out?" Bella asked annoyed.

"Um…..yah…..you don't have to take off your pants but you still could if you wanna." Jacob smiled.

"Jacob I swear if I wasn't if I could move my arm I would smack you." Bella said annoyed.

"Whoa, no need to break your hand again, come on lets go." Jake said as he picked her up and jumped off the tree almost hitting Edward.

"Come on lets get back to the game." Jake said as they went back to the woods.

***********************************

"Well what took so long….and whys the dog carrying Bella?" Rose asked.

"The pansy was too afraid to climb the tree." Jacob snickered.

"I was not…I couldn't climb because I had a broken ankle." Edward muttered.

"That's not even possible." Jacob muttered.

"Shut up dog!!" Edward muttered.

"Whatever, let's get back to the game." Bella said. "I couldn't chose so, I pick…………………………..myself….I'll go first." Bella said.

"Hey wait a second, that's not fair!!!" Emmett yelled.

"You put me in a tree……I think its fair." Bella said.

"Fine…."

"Hey weren't we suppose to find out everyone's greatest fear and weirdest pleasure?" Bella asked.

"Yah…..we were…..i totally forgot." Emmett thought.

"Alright, then all start with that." Bella said. Everyone looked scared, they didn't want to admit there greatest fear and weirdest pleasure.

"I know your probably all going to lie though so lets change it up a bit, Rose, what is Emmett's greatest fear and weirdest pleasure?" Bella asked.

"Um.."

Bella cut her off, "and when I say pleasure were not talking dirty, please keep it as clean as possible." Bella said.

"Ok…then um I'd have to say his greatest fear is probably-"

Before she could finish Edward burst out into laughter. "Rose, I think that was a pretty ovious one." Edward said.

"Well it's true….ok I'll tell one of his secrets then, can we do that instead?" Rose asked.

"Sure, that sounds more fun." Bella said.

"Oh God." Emmett muttered, God knows what Rose would tell.

"Ok…the biggest secret Emmett ever told me was that……ok I'm just going to say it….he thinks that his car can talk and he has to drive it at least 4 times a day or it will explode because he claims that it's a time bomb and if he doesn't drive it I will expode." Rose said.

"Wow." Bella muttered.

"Emmett your stupider then I thought." Edward laughed

"Thanks Rose." Emmett glared.

"Your welcome, oh can I tell one more?" Rose asked.

"No!!!!!" Emmett yelled knowing what she was going to say, it was his deepest darkest secret of all time….

"Sure why not." Bella said.

"Ok, in our closet Emmett keeps a large supply of stuffed bears, everyday he takes one out of the closet….flushes it down the toilet and yells take that bear, who's stronger now, ha!!!!!" Rose admitted, she really had to get that one out….

"OMG." Alice laughed. No one else could speak they were all laughing….Emmett was 'vamp crying' and if he could blush he'd be bright red……….

**(Ten minutes later) **

"Ok that's it you've been laughing at me long enough, would someone please go next already." Emmett begged.

"Yah….ha….ha…ha…fine…..ha…..ha….ha…ok I ha pick ha….Jasper…what's Edward's deepest secret?" Rose asked.

"Hey wait a second, you told my secret why do you get to go?" Emmett asked.

"Cause that's how were doing it." Rose said.

"Fine…" Emmett pouted.

"Wait, I'm confused…..how would jasper know Edward's deepest secret?" Bella asked.

"Let's just say before you came around Jasper and Edward used to be real close." Emmett laughed.

"Huh?"

"So not funny Emmett." Edward mumbled.

"Well anyway, let's get this over with." Jasper muttered. "The biggest secret I know about Edward is that……um….oh I have a good one….well I'm going to tell a current one." Jasper said pausing for dramatic effect. "When Bella is not around Edward takes out his tapes he has of her that he took when she was asleep and watches them and goes, 'Awe Bella your so beautiful', he also has a doll form of Bella and one of himself and they go on 'adventures' together." Jasper laughed.

"Wow, and I thought I was bad." Jacob snickered. Bella looked shocked. Edward looked a mixture of embarrassed and angry…….

Jasper was a little afraid Edward was going to rip his head off…. So he started to move on……

"Um ok…..Bella what is Jacob's deepest secret?" Jasper asked.

Bella had to think for a couple of minutes, what did she really know that was that horrible about Jacob? She had a mind block…but then she thought of something…………….

"Ok…well when Jake was little his sister's used to dress him up like a girl and he used to say 'I'm a pretty princess' and he used to sing don't ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me and he used to steal my Barbie dolls and do there hair." Bella laughed.

"Thanks for spilling my child hood secrets Bella oh and by the way I thought they were action figures." Jacob muttered.

"Sure….ok so um Jake if you're that mad lets see if you can top me, what's my biggest secret?" Bella asked…well that was an interesting twist.

"Of course I can top that…now let's see……um when Bella was younger…you know what I don't even have to go there, I'll tell you all something really funny…you know how you think Bella cooked thanks giving? She's afraid of touching turkey, that was take out." Jacob laughed.

"You promised you would never tell." Bella muttered.

"Well you told about me." Jacob argued.

"Oh whatever."

"Ha, and I thought Bella could cook." Emmet laughed.

"I can cook…just not turkey." Bella muttered.

"Moving on, Pixy what's Blondie's secret?" Jacob asked.

"Awe, I wanted to tell Rose's secret." Emmett pouted.

"Too bad, I get to." Alice said as she started to think. "Um…..ok I know. Rose told me once a long time ago that she used to have a crush on Edward." Alice giggled.

"You promised you would never say anything!!!! Rose yelled, she was about to tare Alice's head off.

"No fighting, let's keep going." Alice said……Emmett what's Jasper's secret?" Alice asked. She knew he had something good on him.

"Oh you want me to tell about-" Emmet started.

"No, not that, please don't tell that!" Alice yelled stopping him.

"Oh so you don't want me to tell that….if you feel that way then I will tell it, Edward I think you would like to know that I caught Alice and Jasper having sex on top of your piano." Emmett blurted out.

"Ewe, I put my hands on that thing…I was wondering why it was slightly wet…OH MY GOD EWE!!!!!" Edward yelled looking at his hands. "I need to go wash my hands." Edward said getting up. Jacob stopped him.

"I don't think so, I didn't get to wash my hands when I stuck them down your pants." Jacob pointed out.

"Fine." Edward said sitting back down.

"Ok yah I get to pick someone, ok…..Edward what's Alice's secret?" Emmett asked.

"Um…the worst thing I know about Alice is that……she has a name for everyone of her purses and she talks to them when she thinks no one is around, and feeds them and lets them watch TV like there people." Edward said.

Everyone laughed. "whatever there better listeners then you people!!" Alice yelled.

"Gee, I wonder why." Rose snickered.

"Oh shut up!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Ok…..um Seth, what's a Carlisle secret you know?" Edward asked.

"Um…oh I know a good one...I bet you guys didn't know that when he's not busy in the hospital he pretends he's a rock star and turns his iPod on and plays air guitar." Seth laughed remembering the time he had walked in on him doing that.

"Oh my god Dad, I didn't even think you know what an IPod was." Alice laughed. Carlisle shrugged.

"I guess this means I get to tell Seth's secret, ok the weirdest thing I know about him is that he wears nightgowns to bed." Carlisle said.

"How do you know that?' Seth asked.

"Jacob told me."

"Hey, you're not the only one who likes to see people out." Jacob laughed.

**Authors note: Well those were some interesting secrets lol……**


	12. bikinis and rule books

**Authors note: Sorry guys some of you told me that in the last chapter I didn't explain how Bella finally got out of the tree. What happened was that when Jake thought that she couldn't get out of the tree he was on the ground so he really couldn't see how stuck she was. When he got into the tree he noticed that he couldn't pull her out but if he lifted her that would work so that's what he did and that's how she got out just to clarify. I hope that made sense LOL (= **

"Ok so are we going to start round two now?" Emmett asked. He couldn't wait for more crazy dares and weird truths.

"Yah sure I guess." Bella said; she didn't really mind the game…..as long as she didn't have to do anything stupid….maybe she'd pick truth next time, though she really didn't have to do much in the last round….well compared to everyone else that is.

Carlisle started to get up, "You guys have fun, I need to go find my wife."

"Ok, bye, Carlisle." Emmett said not really paying him much attention.

"I guess none of you want to come with me….."

"Nope."

"Not really."

"You'll have better luck looking bye yourself."

"Bye, bye."

"What great kids I have." Carlisle said walking off.

"Yah…we are great….anyway we should go over the rules." Emmett said.

"What rules?" Bella asked.

"These." Edward said taking a gigantic book labeled Cullen book of rules out of the bush.

"Again, not even going to ask what that's doing there." Bella muttered.

Edward acted like he didn't even hear that comment and opened the book. There was a lot of dust on it and it was thicker then three Harry Potter books put together.

"God Edward that thing looks older then you." Jacob snickered.

"No, it's only around a hundred years old." He said flipping pages.

"So you admit your over a hundred years old!" Jacob pointed out. This was a big moment for him, he'd been trying to admit Edward's age for almost two years now, too bad no one was paying any attention…….

"Bella didn't you hear that? Your boyfriend's older then that guy who made playboy." Jacob said trying to get her attention.

"Jacob please, we are not going to compare Edward to Hue Heffner." Bella said.

"Could we please just get to the rules already?" Emmett asked…hum funny you'd think when they mentioned playboy he would have said something…..Rose must have took those magazines and blocked that channel………

"I'm looking for the page." Edward muttered.

"Well you're actually going to look at every page until you find it?" Jacob asked. "That book is like over 10,000 pages it will take all day to finish."

***************************

**(Twenty minutes later)**

"Edward Jacob's right, this is taking forever." Bella yawned…..Wait yawned? How late was it? Eight o'clock….well God it wasn't that late…….

"I've almost found it….hear it is." Edward muttered.

"Finally." Every one was getting tired of this. They just wanted to start already!!!!

"Ok…um hum….yes…good….alright." Edward muttered.

"Edward read it!!!!!!"

"I am!!!!"

"I meant out loud so everyone else could hear!!!!" Bella yelled…she was cranky when she was tired.

"Oh…right." Edward had his blond moments sometimes……..

"Well it says that when playing a Cullen game of truth or dare, you can not pick the same person twice and no dare must be repeated." Edward said.

"And?" Bella asked.

"That's it", Edward said closing the book.

"We waited almost an hour just so you could read that?" Rose asked angrily.

"Pretty much, yah." Edward said as he put the book back into the bush.

"Well that was a waste of time." Jacob muttered.

"Yah it was." Bella muttered.

"Well anyway, now that we know the rules lets start." Emmett said changing the subject.

"Ok." Rose said. "I'll go first."

"But I was going to say that…"

"Too late I already said it."

"Fine." Emmett pouted.

"Ok, who should I pick?" She asked herself looking around. "Ooh, I know mutt I dare you to go drown in a pool like in my poem." Rose smiled.

"Hey, I can't do that." Jacob said.

"Why not?"

"Because if I did I'd die." Jacob argued.

"Is there anything against that in the rules?" Rose asked Edward.

"Hold on, I'll get the book." Edward said going back to the bush.

"We don't have that kind of time." Bella said stopping him. "How about we just vote on it." Bella reasoned.

"Wait a second, we can't just vote on if I get to live or die!" Jacob argued.

"Why not? Too afraid everyone's going to vote against you mutt?" Rose asked.

"No….."

"Then let's vote, who ever wants the mutt to live raise your hand." Rose said. Alice, Bella, and Seth raised there hands. Seth had to, he was in enough trouble already and Alice raised her hand just because Jacob had never really done anything horrible to her, he didn't deserve to die.

"Is that everyone who wants the mutt to live?" Rose asked.

"Edward raise your hand!!" Bella yelled.

"But….."

"Don't even say that, you raise your hand or I'll leave you!!!"

"Well God is he really that important?" Edward asked.

"You know that, now raise your hand." Bella said again.

"Fine…." Edward raised his hand.

"Jazz you too." Alice elbowed him; he couldn't argue he was already in enough trouble with the whole Alice in Wal-Mart thing.

"There, that's 5 against 2." Jacob said.

"Fine, then I'll pick something else for you to do." Rose said. "………………..Ok I've got something, I dare you to-" Rose started.

"Hey wait a second!!!" Jacob yelled.

"What is it now mutt?" Rose asked annoyed.

"I didn't even say I pick dare yet, you just assumed." Jacob said.

"Well were you going to pick truth or something?" Rose asked.

"No…I was going to pick dare." Jacob said.

"Then why did you even bring that up?" Rose asked.

"Because I would have at least liked to get to say it before I do anything stupid." Jacob muttered.

"Whatever…..anyway back to what I was going to say I dare you to go down to Quil's house in a bikini and tell him that you've imprinted on him and start passionately making out with him until he pulls away." Rose laughed.

"Ok….but why a bikini?' Jacob asked.

"Because I want it to be as humiliating as possible." Rose answered.

"You suck bitch." Jacob muttered.

"What was that dog?"

"Nothing….." Jacob muttered.

"Come on Jacob, we must go shopping for your bikini now." Alice smiled.

"This is going to be so humiliating." Jacob muttered as he was pulled into the Pixy's Porsche.

"Do you think he's going to go threw with this?" Edward asked Bella.

"Um…I don't know." Bella smiled picturing Jacob in a bikini….this was going to be interesting. "He's not really one to back down from a dare you know." Bella said.

**************************

**(Later at the store) **

"Hello sir do you need any help?" The store manager asked Jacob….it was very odd seeing a man shopping in the bikini section with out a woman next to him.

"Yes actually, do you have this in my size?" Jacob asked holding up a very sexy hot pink halter bikini that tied around the neck with a thin hot pink strap and little bow ties on either side of the bottom piece, it was even covered in rhinestones. **( I have a picture on my profile if you guys want to see)**

"Um……I think so." The man said awkwardly looking on the rack; he must have thought Jacob was so gay.

"Why'd he pick pink?" Bella asked.

"Rose made him." Edward whispered, if he tried to talk any louder he'd burst out into crazy spasms of laughter.

"Oh…..well it's probably a nice color on him." Bella said picturing Jacob in hot pink……

"Hear you go sir." The man said handing Jacob the bikini.

"Where are the dressing rooms?" Jacob asked.

"Um….well the men's dressing rooms are to the left and the woman's are to the right…..you can use which ever one you feel more comfortable in." The man said as he walked off, he didn't want to be part of this.

"Well God dude what is that suppose to mean?" Jacob asked…then he remembered what he was buying and shut up. He walked over to the middle of the dressing room doors and looked back and forth from the men's dressing room to the woman's. He had long enough hair to go into the woman's dressing room and have people think he was a woman, but he was a man let's just say he wore big enough shoes that when he came out in a bikini all the woman in there would know something was up. **(Hopefully you guys know I'm not talking about feet…) **

After a while of thinking about it he decided to go into the men's dressing room, after all he was a man.

****************************

Fifteen minutes later he still wasn't out. "Bella." He whispered sticking his head out the dressing room door.

"What?" She asked coming over.

"I think I put this on wrong." Jacob whispered. "I'm stuck."

"Well what do you want me to do about it?" Bella asked confused.

"Oh I don't know, help me." Jacob said.

"Ok fine." Bella said going over, she could hear Edward trying to hold in his laughter behind her.

She walked into the dressing room and couldn't stop laughing, he was more tied up in that bikini then she had been in that tree.

"Thanks Bella, this is really boosting my self confidence." Jacob whispered angrily shutting the door.

"Well I'm sorry but do you know how stupid you look right now, your suppose to tie it around the back of your neck not the front and what the hell did you do to the bottom? It's suppose to be in bow ties not knots." Bella snickered.

"Are you going to help me or are you just going to laugh and tell me what I did wrong, god I'm starting to reconsider asking you and not the pixy." Jacob said…that pissed her off a little.

"I can help." She said as she started to untie the knots……they were a little too tight.

"God Jake you act like you tied this for dear life or something, I can't get these knots out." Bella pulled. "Were going to need more help, Edward can you come hear for a second?" Bella yelled.

"Oh God." Jacob smacked his head on the wall, as if having Bella laugh at him wasn't enough, now they had to drag Edward into this.

"What do you wan- oh my god how'd he do that?" Edward asked coming in.

"Hey I'm not a woman, how am I suppose to know how to tie one of these things?" Jacob asked.

"Well I think even Emmett can do better then this." Edward laughed.  
"Less laughing more helping." Jacob barked.

"Fine, come on Edward help me get these knots out." Bella said.

"Ok but I'm only doing the top half." Edward argued.

"Why?"

"Because if the bottom half falls off I don't want to be there to see." Edward said.

"Fine…." Bella said as she got on her knees to start untying the bottom half of Jake's bikini. She tried to keep her hands as far off to his sides as possible…she didn't want to accidently touch anything.

***************************

Ten minutes later Jake was out in his bikini, and there was not an eye in the store that wasn't staring at him.

"OMG I'm so glad I brought the camera." Alice whispered. Alice was the only one talking, everyone else was laughing uncontrollably…..Bella was practically chocking to death from laughter.

"That is the biggest itsy bitsy bikini I've ever seen." Emmett laughed.

"Let's just get this over with." Jacob said trying to stand tall with his head held high.

"Hey Jake don't walk out of the store yet, we still have to pay." Bella said, he was about to walk out of the store….she knew he didn't want to be caught by Charlie shop lifting a bikini……

"Oh yah." Jacob said going over to the register…Now how do you scan things if you're already wearing them?

"Sir we can't scan that item like that, you can either take it off or step on to the registers belt." The lady at the register said.

Jake thought about this rationally…if he took it off he'd probably be arrested for public nudity not to mention he'd have to tie it again, if he stepped on the belt that could be embarrassing…….well rather embarrassed then in jail right?

He climbed up and sat down ooh he belt as he moved threw the price scanner……too bad he weighted so much……it cracked!!!

"Hears the money, let's go." Jacob said tossing the lady a hundred dollar bill and running outside……too bad that bikini was only 25 dollars. Oh well, not his money………

*******************************

**(A little bit later at Quil's house)**

Jacob knocked on the door of Quil's house. It was kinda awkward……he had a major bikini wedgie……..

Quil opened it with Claire in one hand. "Hey Jake….is there a good reason for the bikini? Is there something we need to talk about?" Quil asked.

"Yes…actually Quil, I came hear to tell you that I've imprinted on you and I'm madly in love with you." Jacob mumbled.

Everyone was hiding in the bushes trying to desperately muffle there laughter by covering there mouths with there hands.

"Wh-" Quil started.

"Shh, don't speak just kiss me." Jacob said as he pressed his lips to Quil's, he was so disgusted but he had to get it over with.

Claire slipped out of Quil's arms and Jacob pushed Quil onto the ground opening his mouth using his own lips, they began to 'tong wrestle'. The weird part was Quil was going along with it.

"Ewe, boys are so gross." Claire said wrinkling her nose.

"Get off Jake he's mine!!!" Claire yelled slapping him until he got off of Quil...

Everyone in the bush couldn't take it anymore they all bust out into laughter.

Jacob got up awkwardly as did Quil. When they were up Quil muttered. "You're a great kisser, by the way nice bikini."

"Thanks…you too, by the way I'm not gay, this was just a dare." Jacob said making sure he knew.

"Oh…that makes a lot more sense." Quil said. "So you're playing truth or dare?" Quil asked changing the subject.

"Yah, you want in?" Jake asked.

"Sure…just as long as I don't have to kiss anymore guys." Quil said.

"I can't guarantee that, and come on you know you love me." Jake joked.

"My man!!!! Stay Away." Claire said kicking Jake in the knee.

"Ouch!! Damn for a five year old she's strong!!" Jacob said grabbing his leg.

"She does have spikes on her shoes." Quil said.

"I was playing soccer." Claire smiled.

"Really I don't see any balls around hear", Jake said.

"You might not but I do, Jake go put on some pants." Quil said.

"Hey why you looking over there?" Jake asked.

****************************

**(Back at the woods) **

"Jake you really should put on some pants." Edward said. When they were back in the woods.

"Oh Edward you know your just jealous cause your feet are so small, what size shoe do you where like 6?" Jacob asked.

"Eight for your information." Edward muttered.

"Oh wow."

"Oh like your feet are so big." Edward said.

"Actually size 14." Jacob announced proudly.

"Oh my God, could we please stop talking about 'feet' this is so disgusting?" Bella asked.

"Fine, let's see who's next?" Jacob said. "Um…ok, I pick…..Edward truth or dare."

**Authors note: Well that was…um…interesting? Weird…yah that's probably a better word LOL (= Well at least round two is getting to be more intense LOL, even if it is in a weird way (= Again love you all please review!!!! **


	13. computer or microwave?

**Authors note: Hey guys so this is the next Chapter, let's see what Jacob's going to make Edward do. I'm sure it will be interesting………..**

"Hey Jake, did I tell you that your little Quil incident is now on YouTube right next to the Bella doll, oh and when you got tangled up in your bikini." Edward snickered.

Jacob was about to say something but held it back. "Well Edward if you enjoy the internet so much then I dare you to go teach senior citizens how to email." Jacob said.

"But…that's nearly impossible." Edward complained.

"Hey, you say you're so smart…and besides, you're a senior and you can do it." Jacob laughed.

"Hey I am not a senior!!!" Edward yelled.

"Excuse me, how old are you?" Jacob asked.

"Um….fine I'll go teach the seniors." Edward muttered.

"Don't be too disappointed Edward, you might meet some hot young chick there." Jacob laughed.

"Everyone there is over 75." Edward argued.

"I said young for you, not me." Jacob smiled as they all got into there cars making there way to the senior center.

****************************

Edward couldn't believe he was about to try to teach seniors something that was practically impossible for them……..and since Jacob wouldn't let him leave until they learned he might be hear all eternity, on the bright side these people were old…maybe they'd all die before they ate dinner…….that could work.

"Ok, hear we are Edward, have fun." Jacob said as he pushed Edward into the wide double doors of forks nursing home.

"Where are you guys going?" Edward asked.

"Oh, were going to visit grandma." Jacob said going inside turning left as Edward slowly veered right, he really didn't want to do this…but he pushed himself into the recreation room anyway.

There were over 30 old people in there. Some of them were napping….or dead. Some of them were desperately trying to sip there prune shakes without spilling them all over themselves and some of them were actually trying to act young…..

"Hey sexy how you do in?" One of the creepy old ladies asked Edward. He didn't exactly know how to respond to that. She was around 90 but she was dressed like a twenty year old. From her tube top down to her micro mini………….

**(Mean while) **

Everyone else was on there way to go visit Jake's grandmother…..this was going to be interesting.

"Hey grandma." Jake said as he came into the old woman's room. She was sitting in the corner near the window on her old crickety rocking chair knitting a cute little pink sweater.

"Who the hell are you?" The old lady asked pointing her knitting needles at him.

"It's me grandma, Jake you remember me right?" He asked.

"Oh Jakey you've gotten so tall." Jake's grandma said but instead of hugging her grandson she hugged Emmett.

"And you cut your hair." She said rubbing Emmett's head.

"Um…actually grandma…I'm over hear." Jake said awkwardly.

"Oh!! Then who is that?" She said staring at Emmett. "That's not that girlfriend you've been talking about is it? Isn't that a man? Jakey please don't tell me that's not the reason why you keep your hair so long."

"No, no of course not Grandma." Jake said.

"Well after tonight's incidence maybe it is." Rose snickered.

"No it isn't grandma!!! Don't listen to her she's crazy!!" Jacob yelled.

"Oh so that one's your girlfriend." Jake's grandma said hugging Rose. "What in god's name happened to your hair?" Jake's grandma asked looking at Rose's Mohawk.

"Ok first lady, I'm not his girlfriend, I am so out of his league, and second your stupid ass grandson did this to my hair, it used to be so beautiful!!!!" Rose said as she ran of the room.

"What was wrong with her?" Grandma asked.

"Yah…we don't know….anyway, this is Bella, not her……..

*****************************************

**(We can see what happens to Jake's grandma later, right now don't you all want to know what happens to Edward?) **

"You know you're so hot, we should go out some time. Have you ever been to the nursing home cafeteria?" The creepy old woman asked Edward trying to sound seductive. Edward thought he might vomit.

"Um....no but tell you what, you sit over there and learn how to email today I might consider your offer." Edward said as he made the lady sit way off in the corner as far away from him as possible.

Edward got in the front of the room and onto the stage. "Ok everyone today I'm going to teach you how to email do any of you know how?" Edward asked. The crowd looked confused, as if he was speaking another language what was this emailing thing he spoke of?

"So no one has any idea what I'm talking about?" Edward asked.

One person raised there hand. "Yes ma'am, do you know how to email?" Edward asked.

"Sure I do." The lady said as she took out a large envelope and a sharpie marker, wrote an uppercase E on the envelope and stuck it into the mail box.

"Um…..that's not exactly how you do it." Edward mumbled…..this was going to be a long day.

"Then how do you do this so called email?" One of the old men asked.

"Well first you turn on a computer like this." Edward said as he pushed the on button of the computer nearest to him.

"Wait a second, what is this computer you speak of?" The old man asked. Edward was about to give up, he didn't really find this necessary for these people to learn considering there circumstances…but he had to get this over with so Jacob couldn't hold it over his head forever.

"I thought that was a microwave." The old man said looking at the computer in utter confusion. "No wonder why the door never opened." The guy said tapping on the screen.  
"This is going to be a long day." Edward mumbled hitting himself in the head. The woman from earlier got up.

"Oh baby are you ok?" The lady asked trying to comfort Edward. "Your so cold, I know just how to warm you up." The lady said…………….

*********************

**(Back to Jake) **

"So this is the girl you speak so fondly of." Jake's grandma said as she rapped her arms around Bella. It caught Bella a little by surprise but she was quick to recover and hugged back.

Even Jake's grandmother gave spine crunching hugs….poor Bella.

"Oh she's so pretty." Grandma said looking her over. Bella blushed. "And your right, she does look very pretty when she blushes.

"Jacob you tell your grandmother about me?" Bella asked.

"Well duh, who am I suppose to talk about, Edward?" Jacob asked sarcastically.

"Ah Edward, the enemy." Jacob's grandma said wrinkling her nose.

"Jake, what the hell have you been telling this lady?" Bella asked.

"Just the truth." Jacob mumbled.

"I can't believe you Jake." Bella whispered angrily.

"Hey don't fight, kiss." Jake's grandma said. "Come on kiss, kiss, kiss!!!" She started a chant…Emmett joined in.

"Emmett what are you doing?" Alice asked.

"Helping…."

"Ok, kiss, kiss, kiss." Alice started.

Jacob had that stupid smile on while Bella looked like she wanted to slap it right off his face.

"Come on Bella, for my grandmother?" Jacob asked....not too many times you heard something like that.

Bella looked at Alice. "I wouldn't kiss him, he probably tastes like Quil." Alice said……………………………………………

************************

**(Back to Edward)**

Edward really didn't want to know what the lady meant by what she said earlier so he just pretended not to hear and slowly walk back to the front of the stage…..Too bad the lady stopped him by grabbing his butt.

"Um excuse me ma'am, I have to leave." Edward said as he ran out of the room, down the hall and right into Jacob's grandma knocking the fragile old woman over……

"Edward what the hell man are you trying to kill my grandmother?" Jacob asked as he helped her back to her feet….she gave Edward the finger when she was finally up.

"So this is the enemy." Jake's grandma said scrutinizing Edward.

"Yup, that's him. What are you even doing hear Edward, you can't possibly be finished teaching those people how to email."

"I'm not."

"Well then I suggest you get back to that." Jacob said pushing him out of the room.

"No, I can't there's this lady out there, she's crazy…she's like 90 and she keeps hitting on me and she asked me out." Edward whined.

"Oh…well in that case then instead of teaching these people how to email why don't you go on that date." Jacob laughed.

"No damn way in hell." Edward said as he tried to hide behind the rocking chair.

"Get away from my chair!!!!!!" Jake's grandma said as she stabbed him with knitting needle after knitting needle until he finally got up.

"Come on Eddie, let's go back in there and find this lady." Jake said as he grabbed one of his arms and Emmett grabbed the other.

***********************

"Attention everyone!!!!!" Jacob yelled. Everyone stopped talking and turned to see what he wanted, well all except for the guy who was still trying to use the computer as a microwave……….yah the steak really wasn't going in there.

"We just wanted to know, who was the woman who asked this lovely gentlemen out?" Jacob asked pointing at Edward.

Edward was squirming like a wild animal caught in a hunters trap. "I'm over hear, the creepy old lady said climbing onto the stage…didn't anyone see the stairs?

They were about to give Edward up to this woman when her two friends appeared almost out of no where and started attacking them as well……………

"Come one Edward lets get out of hear." Jacob said as they all ran back to the woods.

**Authors note: Ok guys so that's what happened to Edward….and those poor old people never learned how to email…….sad )= LOL I wonder what happened to that guy who though the computer was a microwave….and will the old ladies return? Should they return? Please review!!!!!! (= **


	14. Minor car accident?

**Authors note: thanks for all the reviews guys, love you all (= This story is becoming very popular……interesting, it must be because of my randomness and ability to create unthinkably crazy things….you guys think this is weird you should see when me and my friends play truth or dare…now that gets stupid. Like last time when I dared my friend to go up to random people on the street and ask them to take there pants off and she went up to this old guy and he ran over her foot with his electric wheel chair and cursed her out in different languages….good times LOL anyway back to the story……………………**

When everyone was safely back in the woods and as far away from the crazy old people as possible Jake decided to speak. "Edward you know how I dared you to teach those old people how to email and I said you couldn't leave until they learned?" Jake asked.

"Yah, what are you getting at?" Edward asked confused…and very worried that he'd have to go back to the nursing home.

"Well since you didn't accomplish your dare I say you have to do one of two things, either go back to the nursing home or answer a truth question." Jacob said.

"There's no way I'm going back to that nursing home!!!!!!" Edward yelled hiding behind Bella.

"Hey don't try to hide behind me; don't you remember what happened last time?" Bella said thinking back to when Edward was hiding from Leah who was chasing him with a knife.

"Fine…" He said stepping away from Bella. "But there is no way I'm going back to that nursing home!!!!" Edward yelled as he started shaking like a crazy person who just escaped from a mental institution.

"Fine…then I guess you'll have to answer the question." Jacob said.

"Ok, what's the question?" Edward asked.

"Umm……ok I know the perfect question, now you say you love Bella, but you also say you love your Volvo, if your Volvo and Bella were both about to fall off a cliff which one would you save?" Jacob asked.

"Bella of course, she's worth much more to me then some car." Edward said. Bella was happy with his answer.

"Well in that case you won't mind what I'm about to say." Emmett started.

"Emmett what the hell happened?" Edward asked.

"Well……..there was a minor car crash on the way back home." Emmett said.

"How minor?" Edward asked threw his teeth, he was very afraid to hear what happened t his baby.

"Um….well……I'm just going to come out with it we accidently drove your car off the La Push cliff." Emmett said as he ran to hide behind Bella, very afraid of what Edward was about to do.

Edward looked calm for a second but only because he was frozen, he couldn't more, he couldn't speak, he just sat there in complete shock.

"HOW IS DRIVING MY CAR OFF THE LA PUSH CLIFF A MINOR ACCIDENT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Edward yelled finally arising from his state of shock. Now he was just more into a state of hysteria.

"Well….it's minor cause we only smashed it completely……..well I guess that doesn't sound very minor at all…..on the bright side no one died." Emmett smiled a very timid smile…..he was so dead. "Don't look at me, Alice was the one driving."

"Emmett you promised you wouldn't tell him that, and besides Seth was the one who said oh don't worry, were not lost turn left I know exactly where we are." Alice said.

"Just because I said I knew where we were that doesn't mean I told you to push the damn car off the freaking cliff!!!" Seth yelled.

"Stop yelling….this is only making the situation worse, lets just go down to the cliff so I can say one last good bye to Tanya." Edward sighed.

"Excuse me? Tanya?" Bella asked confused.

"I've had the car for a while; I brought it way before I even knew you existed." Edward said.

"What ever." Bella said upset, she leaned against Jake instead of him. Jake was happy with that, he gave Edward a 'that's what you get' face and said, "Hey Edward I guess were going to have to change your YouTube screen name, you're not a gay Volvo owning loser anymore." Jacob laughed.

"You know what…never mind I'm not even going to say it, lets just go down to La Push and pay our last respects." Edward said getting into his car……oh wait, he couldn't…….Who's car was that?

"Edward you are so not driving my baby off that cliff!!!" Alice yelled stopping him…..darn and he was so close.

*************************

**(Later at the Cliff)**

Edward slowly got out of the back seat of Emmett's Hummer, (there was no way Alice was letting him ride with her) walked out to the edge of the cliff, looked down and collapsed near his car.

"Edward it's only a car." Bella said going over to comfort him. He was now vamp crying.

"Are you getting this on camera pixy?" Jacob asked.

"Um hum." Alice smiled this was really funny but at the same time she felt guilty, she knew if the situation was reversed she would be doing the same thing Edward was.

"I can't believe my poor little car is dead." Edward moaned.

"Maybe we should say some words." Emmett spoke, everyone turned, he was dressed like a pastor.

"Emmett what the hell are you doing?" Edward asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to speak." Emmett said going over to the car. Everyone was confused.

"We are gathered hear today to celebrate the great life and tragic death of Edward's beloved Tanya." Emmett spoke. "Would anyone like to speak on her behalf?" Emmett asked.

Edward stepped forward, "Though she didn't live long life, she was…was…..the best…car ever." Edward said as he started crying again.

"I wish you guys would have told me we were having a funeral, I could have gotten the outfits ready." Alice complained.

"Well we wouldn't have had to do this if you didn't crash my car!!!" Edward yelled.

"But-"

"No buts just answer the question." Edward stopped her. "Truth or dare?"

**Authors note: Sorry this chapter was so short guys but I just wanted to get that in there (= poor Edward…..what will happen to Alice? What should happen to Alice? **


	15. Cruella Devil and hobos?

**Authors note: Hey guys thanks for reviewing, it took me a while to put this chapter up because I had to keep thinking, what could be better then Alice in Wal-Mart? I really couldn't think for like a while but then I thought of something…..I'm not sure if it's going to be funnier then Alice in Wal-Mart but hey that ones hard to top. LOL…..anyway I'm going to try. (= **

Alice had to think about her answer for a second, if she picked truth she'd be labeled a loser wimp forever……but if she picked dare she might be stuck in Wal-Mart again, so she said this, "Fine I'll pick dare, as long as I don't have to do anything that involves Wal-Mart." Alice said with a shiver, even saying the name of that retched place drove her over the edge…just like how she drove Edward's car over the edge ha, ha……anyway………

"Oh don't worry Alice, what you'll do will have absolutely nothing to do with Wal-Mart what's so ever." Edward smiled evilly. This could not be good……………………………..

Edward was taking absolute forever to say what he was thinking, was he trying to be suspenseful or had he just not though of anything yet? No one knew exactly but it was driving poor Alice insane.

"Come on Edward I've been waiting ten minutes, in my time that's like a year just say it already!!!! Alice yelled bracing herself for the worst, though what could Edward possibly do that could be worse then Wal-Mart? There was nothing he could say that could top that right?

"I dare you to let Bella and Emmett give you a makeover." Edward laughed. Everyone was stunned, would Alice actually go threw with this? They all turned to Alice to see what she was thinking.

She couldn't move….couldn't breath….well she didn't have to breath but still………..It took her fifteen minutes before she finally spoke, and when she spoke she spoke so low that if they weren't vampires no one would have been able to hear her.

"Fine."

Emmett smiled…..for him this was going to be so much fun. Bella looked afraid, she knew if she messed Alice up she would get her back later………though this could be really fun.

"Ok Bella I'll get her cloths you can do her hair." Emmett said.

"Please Emmett; don't make me wear cloths from Wal-Mart!!!" Alice pleated.

"Don't worry Alice, were not going to Wal-Mart, your going to trade cloths with a hobo." Emmett laughed.

"A……hobo?" Alice asked stunned.

"Yah, you know those ratty looking people who hang out under the bridge." Emmett said.

"I know what a hobo is but why a hobo?" Alice asked.

"I don't know why there called hobos, God why the heck would I know that?" Emmett asked…..it's not like he named them.

"Not, why are they called hobos!!! Why do you want me to trade cloths with a hobo?" Alice confirmed.

"Simple, because you didn't want to wear cloths from Wal-Mart." Emmett said like it was so obvious.

"Well I rather wear cloths from Wal-Mart then cloths that used to be on a hobo!!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Well it's too late now, you said you didn't like Wal-Mart so were not going to Wal-Mart, let's go to the bridge!!!" Emmett said puling Alice along with him; the nearest bridge was only two blocks away so everyone just walked.

Edward was the one filming this time. He was putting this one on YouTube too……Who knew Edward loved YouTube so much……weird……..

********************************

**(Later at the bridge) **

There were four hobos standing under the bridge, one was a scary looking older man who had a long white beard and a brown outfit on that looked like it could have been made out of potato sacks. The other man was very scrawny and short, even though he was so small he had on a huge jacket……god knows what he had in there.

"Hey man, you want a Rolex? Five dollars." The man said as he opened the jacket….so that's what was in there.

"Pink one for the ladies?" The man asked….Though he was so short he was still taller then Alice….that must have been really sad for her.

"Ooh, I want one." Emmett said as he gave the man his five bucks and took his 'gold' watch.

"Emmett that is not why were hear!!!!" Bella said getting him back to the point.

"Oh yah!!!" Emmett said as he pushed Alice closer to the hobos.

There was one female there, she had on a ratty looking floral day dress that was covered in mud and grime…..though she was pretty, she had cat like green eyes and curly red hear….she looked like someone……..someone they'd seen before they just couldn't put there finger on who.

"Well miss our friend hear would like to know if you'd want to trade outfits." Emmett said to the lady.

"Sure." The lady said looking down at her own dress, "I don't really like this dress anyway, I mean this is the one I gave birth to my last child in." Alice baby barfed a little in her mouth at that thought.

Too bad Alice had changed out of her Dora outfit, now she would have to give away her Juicy couture sweat shirt……….oh well sucks for her.

"Let's go change." Alice said as she walked into the woods with the lady…….guess poor people didn't have dressing rooms…..poor Alice.

When Alice came out of the woods she was shaking with disgust…..you would be too if you were wearing a dress someone had given birth in.

You do not know how much she loved Wal-Mart right now. Everyone else was laughing uncontrollably not even able to believe that she was actually wearing that….after all she didn't even believe it….well at least the worst was over right?.....WRONG!!!!!

"Well come on Alice it's time for Bella to do your hair." Emmett laughed.

"I can't believe you people!!!!!" Alice yelled sneering at Emmett, who knew he could be so evil?

"How long do I have to wear this?" Alice asked looking down at the gruesome dress.

"Two days." Emmett laughed.

"Two days? I can barley handle two minutes!!!"

Well on the bright side at least the hobo was happy in her new attire……..

"Come on Alice lets get you to the hair supplies store." Emmett said dragging her with him.

"Good bye Juicy." Alice whimpered as she was dragged away.

"Yes and I have obsession issues." Edward snickered.

"Oh shut up Edward, at least I didn't have a funeral for my car!!!" Alice yelled….he shut up.

*******************************

**(Later at the hair supply store)**

Bella was slowly walking down the hair dye aisle with Edward by her side, he had to make sure after this was over Alice looked as horrible as possible. She really had to suffer for what she'd done.

"What color do you think we should get Edward?" Bella asked as she looked at the wall of colors.

"Um well I don't know what color but I think she should have half one color and half another color." Edward said smiling evilly.

"How do we decide?" Bella asked.

"Um….oh I have an idea, you close your eyes and spin around and which ever ones you touch you pick." Edward said…..well this was going to be random…………………………….

Bella ended up picking old person grey/white and puke green….hum I wonder if Edward made her get the worst colors possible on purpose.

"Ok now that we have our colors were going to need to get a curling iron and a hair straitener." Edward said as he pulled Bella to the other side of the store.

"But Edward I have no idea how to use these things!!!!!" Bella yelled upset.

"I know that, that's the point." Edward laughed.

"Oh….I get it." Bella said now smiling evilly as well.

"What else can we get?" Emmett asked looking at what they'd already gotten.

"How about the devolumizing shampoo to make her hair look all strait and limp." Bella said….she was starting to get into this too.

"Nice idea hone." Edward said kissing Bella….this was working out great. "Bella I have to go do something….I'm leaving you with the hair specialist." Edward said pointing to Jacob.

"Wait where are you going?" Bella asked as Edward started to walk out of the store.

"Just going to finish some business." Edward said trying to act innocent.

"Your going to do something to Alice's car aren't you?" Bella asked as he opened the door.

"Maybe…….." Oh God, this was not going to be good…..poor, poor Alice.

*********************************

**(Speaking of Alice where is she?)**

Alice was sitting outside of the hair care building in beetle position shaking uncontrollably.

As people walked by her they whispered, things like poor girl, and so sad. After a while Alice just got really tired, got up and screamed. "I AM NOT INSANE OR POOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

"Oh yah then why the hell are you wearing that dress?" One of the people passing asked.

"Because it was a dare, a horrible, horrible dare and I have to do it because I killed my brother's car!!!!" Alice yelled as she started crying.

She was stopped by Jacob and Bella who grabbed her from behind and started taking her away.

"Where's Edward?" Alice asked changing the subject.

"Oh…he said he had some business to take care of." Bella answered.

"Business!?!?!? OMG MY PORSCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Alice yelled trying to squirm away.

"I wouldn't worry about your car too much, right now you have other things to worry about." Bella said showing Alice the hair dye.

"Puck green and old lady grey?!?!?! Why the hell do you hate me Bella?" Alice asked upset.

"Sorry Alice but Edward's making me do this." Bella said as they made there way back to the woods.

**(Later in the woods) **

Emmett had mysteriously disappeared along with Edward so I guess Jacob and Bella were left to finish the job. Jacob had tied Alice to a chair with rope so tight that not even a vampire could get out. While Bella had given her a blind fold so she wouldn't know what was going on…..Where was Jasper at a time like this you ask? Well he had volunteered to go find Rose who still wasn't back yet….he really didn't want to be part of this.

"Bella what the hell are you doing? Did you just plug something in? Why do I smell burnt hair?" Alice asked…….little did she know Bella had set her hair on fire.

"Jacob get the water quick do something damn it Alice is on fire!!!!!" Bella yelled….It wasn't a huge fire, just a couple of strands of hair but still everyone was in a panic.

"Bella did you just say fire?!?!?!?!" Alice screamed. "You better be talking about a different Alice!!!" Alice tried to get up but she was stuck in the ropes.

"Don't worry Alice, it's all out……who knew hair spray was really that flammable………" Bella mumbled to her self looking at the can which she now noticed had a huge label that covered half the bottle saying warning highly flammable.

"Bella your no good at this, you do her makeup leave the hair to the master." Jacob said as stepped in front of Bella and started putting the hair dye in.

"Now was it tin foil and then hair dye or hair dye then tin foil?" Jacob asked himself.

"Some master you are." Bella mumbled as she went into the house to look for makeup.

*********************

**(In the house with Bella) **

Bella stepped into the master bathroom and looked in the vanity…..there were over 60 different lip glosses, almost a hundred different lips sticks, like 90 different eye shadow colors…and those were just the shades of blue……….There was also tons of eye liner pencils ranging from hot pink to charcoal black……There were even twenty different blush shades.

"Damn, how the hell does all this stuff fit in two drawers?" Bella asked herself…..it was kinda of scary. "And what should I even pick?" Bella personally knew absolutely nothing about makeup….Should she chose from the winter colors or the summer? More importantly why the hell were there winter and summer colors?

All she knew was that Edward wanted her to look as ugly as possible so Bella picked a variety of colors and items.

Such as blue lipstick with black lip liner, Orange eye shadow with purple glitter eye liner, a yellowish tan blush and red face glitter…..this was going to look interesting………….

**(Don't you all want to see what Edward's up to?)**

Edward and Emmett were at a car painting shop somewhere off in Port Angelus…..What dud you think they were going to do? Drive her car off a cliff? You did? Well that wouldn't have been much fun now would it, Edward really wanted her to suffer…and what he was going to do would cause a slow painful death instead of a short painless one like his baby had…..ok so he wasn't going to kill it, he was just going to dye it puke green to match her wonderfully colored hair…well that is if Jacob actually figured how to get the hair dye in this time……

"Edward this car is sick….and not in a good way…in a way that makes me want to vomit." Emmett said.

"Go ahead; it will match the paint anyway." Edward laughed………he was being such a meany head but could you blame him really?

**(Back to Alice) **

Jacob had finally applied all the hair dye and was now reading the box to see how long it needed to be in……..

"Lets see t- t- minutes, something with a t and then minutes……" (what it said was twenty…..)

"Well what number starts with a t?" Jacob thought for a minute.

"Oh, I know thirty….but that's probably not long enough cause we did two coats so lets double it…that's one hour…..ok that should be long enough………" Jacob said as he set the timer for one hour…..little did he know that the longer he left the hair dye in the harder it was to get out later…..hey that sounds kind of bad, maybe he did know.

Bella came back with the makeup about twenty minutes later.

"Bella what the hell took you so long?" Jacob asked.

"I had to chose, there were like 200 different choices for everything." Bella said as she started applying the makeup…..Jacob helped.

It took them over thirty minutes just to get her makeup on. "This is why I like you so much Bella, you don't waste your time to do all this crap." Jacob said when they were finally done….now his hands were all covered in makeup….he looked like a rainbow…..Just like Rose's hair. Speaking of hair shouldn't Alice be done soon? BEEP!!!!!!!.......yup time to un rap.

"What the hell was that?" Bella asked jumping up.

"God Bella don't worry, it's just Alice's hair bell." Jacob said as he went to wash her hair.

"Jake her hairs been in that long?" Bella asked.

"Yah, I read the box it said one hour."

"Jake…this box says twenty minutes." Bella argued.

"Ok well hears what I figured, I couldn't see what it said but I knew it started with a t so I thought you know thirty starts with a t and we put on 2 coats so double it and you get an hour." Jake said like he knew what he was talking about.

"Jake…THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD!!!!!!!!!!" Bella yelled.

"Oh…….well whatever I thought it made sense, and besides it's not like it really affected her hair much….Oh my God she looks like Cruella Devil." Jacob laughed.

He gave Alice a mirror and she broke it with her screams. "I don't know which sides worse." She said looking at her hair……poor, poor Alice…….well at least she forgot about her car…..well that was until they heard a loud beeping noise.

"Jacob what the hell else did you set an alarm for?" Bella asked.

"I didn't set another bell that was a car horn smart one." Jacob said.

"Excuse me mister I don't know how to spell twenty you're going to make fun of me now?!?!?!?!" Bella yelled.

Edward and Emmett got out of Alice's newly painted Porsche laughing hysterically.

Alice looked so pissed off…..she was going to explode.

"My baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She started crying……poor Alice, she was dressed in hobo cloths, her hair looked like Cruella Devil and now to top it all off her car was painted a horrible puke green.

"What have those bastards done to you?" Alice said cradling her car. "This is the worst day ever….and why the hell did you tint the windows?" Alice asked.

"So that maybe you'd drive over a cliff." Emmett said.

"Emmett you do know that tinting windows make people inside able to see out but the outside cant see in." Alice said.

"Another genius." Bella whispered.

"Oh well…anyway were not done yet." Edward said.

"You dress me like a hobo, you dye my hair funny colors, ruin my makeup, set my head on fire, and mess with my car, how could we possible not be done yet?" Alice asked. "What else can you even do?"

"Show people of course." Edward said as he took one of Alice's arms and Emmett took the other. "Come on Alice let's go visit your favorite place in the world." Edward said as they got into the newly colored car and drove.

"Edward where are we going? You said this wouldn't involve Wal-Mart what the hell are we doing?" Alice asked as they drove….Edward wouldn't speak.

******************************

Later in Port Angelus somewhere in the middle of a busy side walk.

"Edward what are you doing? You are not going to tie me to the traffic pole in the middle of a busy sidewalk!!!!!" Alice screamed…..Poor Alice, she really didn't deserve this much suffering.

But they left her there in the middle of the port angelus got in the car and drove off.

"Edward you are so dead, if I can't hurt you I'll hurt someone close to you." Alice said as she struggled to get out of her ties.

**Authors note: Well idk if that really toped Wal-Mart, I'm going to have to hear from all of you, btw which round do you like better so far for Jake, Alice and Edward? 1 or 2? Is it getting less funny or still awesome? **


	16. wait, who's getting married?

**Authors note: Hey you guys I would just like to say thanks so much for reviewing and adding my story to your favorites list (= Your all too great (= So this is the next chapter to this awfully ever so random story…..I hope you love it (= I can tell you its going to be funny….well I hope anyway LOL (=**

Alice finally managed to get someone to cut the rope she was tied up on and slowly walked her way back to the woods.

When she got there she looked like she'd been threw the mill….poor, poor Alice….what was she going to do? Well since she couldn't do anything to Edward she'd do something to the person closest to him…..Bella.

"Bella truth or dare?" Alice asked evilly.

Bella should have thought for a moment but with out thinking she said, "Dare." Everyone turned to her like she was insane…….didn't she know what bad Alice was capable of doing at a time like this?

"Bella what were you thinking?" Edward asked looking at her in shock and utter confusion.

"I guess I wasn't thinking." Bella said shocked at her own decision. 'Shit I'm so dead' Bella thought….maybe Alice would go easy on her….or not…yah probably not………..

"Ok Bella, I dare you to go ride the crazy coaster 10 times in a row while hand cuffed to Mike Newton." Alice said.

"Alice, Bella can't do that, she gets sick on roller coasters." Edward argued.

"I know that genius, you paint my car puck green and you puck." Alice yelled, she was very upset.

"Now if you'd excuse me I'm going inside to take a shower." Alice said.

"Alice, that's against the rules, no ones aloud to wash remember, it was in the rule book." Edward said stopping her.

"Edward you let me go inside or I'll make Bella's dare 14 times worse!!!!!" Alice yelled. Edward hesitantly let her go.

She stormed off and Bella got ready to get this dare over with. "Come on guys lets get this show on the road." Bella moaned.

"Don't worry Bells, it wont be that bad….well except for the whole Newton part, and of course the whole roller coaster puking part……but other then that, you know it's not that horrible." Jacob said trying to make Bella feel better……he wasn't so good at this…………

*************************

They arrived at Mike Newton's house in just under ten minutes, Jake and Edward went to the door with Bella….they weren't leaving her alone with that pig….well you know at least not until the whole roller coaster thing…..anyway back to what I was saying……………

Edward rang the bell and Mike was quick to answer, "Hey guys what's going on?" Mike asked looking confused, what was everyone doing at his house?

"Hello Mike, you see Bella hear would like to ride the crazy caster today but we can't go, she was wondering if you would like to go with her." Edward said trying to sound polite, it was hard to keep a strait face when you were staring at someone who was in care bear boxers……Mike is such a weirdo.

"Um…sure I guess but why can't you guys go?" Mike asked confused.

"Um….well…….Jacob can explain that." Edward said putting him on the spot.

"Well….like Edward said…we can't go because…..we…..we have to go to a wedding." Jacob said…yah that was really believable.

"Oh really? Who's getting married?" Mike asked…..Was he buying this?

"Um…..Quil…Quil's getting married." Jacob said just spitting out the first name he could think of.

"Oh, I didn't know Quil had a girlfriend." Mike said. "What's her name?"

"Her….her names….her names Claire." Jake said.

"Isn't Claire the five year old he babysits?" Mike asked.

"No, not that Claire the other Claire." Jake said. Edward was looking at him like he was a complete idiot….poor Jacob, he can't read hair care boxes and he can't make up a story to save his life……….

"Jake."

"Yes?"

"There is no other Claire." Mike said….he was finally figuring this out.

"Ok Mike, you want to know the truth, Quil's not the one that's getting married…….we are." Jake said putting his arm around Edward……Edward should never let him try to explain anything………..

"Oh really?" Mike asked amused with the lie.

"Yah….right Edward?" Jake asked.

"Oh…..yah……I can't live without this guy." Edward said putting his arm around Jake practically choking him…..

"Too……tight……babe." Jake said through gasps of air….Yup Edward was really trying to choke him to death.

"Bella you're not upset that the two men you love are now going after each other?" Mike asked.

"Well….you know what Mike, you can't argue with true love." Bella snickered.

"Ok but Bella don't you want to be at there wedding instead of on some roller coaster?" Mike asked.

"You know what….I do." Bella said looking over at Edward and Jake, she had just increased the pained expressions on there faces.

"Well how about we all go." Mike said as he put on some pants and got back to the front door.

Alice was now behind them. "Yah, you know what guys you can't have a wedding without us, I'll plan everything, Mike you invite as many people as you want, I'll meet you at the church in four hours." Alice snickered…she didn't think she would be able to get back at Edward but thanks to Jake's stupidity and inability to lie she now would.

*********************************

Back at the house Bella was laughing uncontrollable. Would they actually go through with this?....No one but Jake and Edward knew for sure.

"Jake your so stupid." Bella laughed.

"Shut up Bella if you were put on the spot you would have said the same thing." Jacob muttered.

"No, if I was put on the spot I would have said something believable." Bella laughed.

"I can't believe I'm going to have to marry Edward", Jake muttered.

"Well look on the bright side, at least I won't have to go on that roller coaster." Bella smiled.

"I can't believe you Bella." Jacob muttered as he started getting fitted for his tux…or was he the one that was going to be in the wedding dress? Knowing Alice Edward would be in the wedding dress because she was looking for every opportunity possible to humiliate him to death.

"Ok Bella your going to be the a brides maid along with Rose and I, Claire's going to be our flower girl, Emmett, Jazz, Quil and Seth will be the groomsmen." Alice said. "Oh and we can't forget Leah and Emily, they can be in the wedding too, and of course Sam and Embry……we might need Seth to be the ring bearer if he's the youngest one we have we only have a couple of hours we'll have to get moving fast, I'll dress Edward and Jake, you go with Rose and pick out the bridesmaid outfits." Alice said pushing us out the door. Damn, she was really taking this seriously.

***************************

**(Later at the bridal shop) **

"Bella, I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm going to let you pick out the bridesmaid dresses." Rose said.

"Wait!!!!! Why me?" Bella asked confused.

"Because I need to get the perfect dress for Edward." Rose said. Bella laughed…this was going to be one hell of a day……..

"Now what to pick?" Bella asked herself staring at the bridesmaid dresses. She was torn between a puffy pink one that she liked and everyone else on the planet would think was creepy and a multi colored high neck shoulder padded dress that went down about to her knee with matching boots…..it looked like something aliens would wear **(Picture of dress on profile cheek it out it's REALLY funny looking)** but Bella thought it was cute.

"Do you like that one ma'am?" The sales lady asked.

"Oh yes, can I buy 3 of these in size small, 1 in medium and 1 in extra, extra small?" Bella asked.

"Sure." The lady said as she took the credit card from Bella's hand, she'd been dying to sell those things for months. "Would you like those gift rapped?" The lady asked.

"No." Bella replied, "Everyone can just wear them out." Bella said as she went to put it on.

"By the way no returns." The lady said as Bella went, everyone was really screwed now.

At the same time Rose was searching for the perfect wedding dress…..something white and cute, yet creepy and embarrassing, oh and it had to be Edward's size…though he wasn't that big of a man, he could probably fit in a woman's medium…….she passed dress after dress until she spotted the perfect one. It was white and very sexy, it only went down to about mid calf and it had a ruffley bottom with a huge bow around the waist, in fact the dress was so short the bow covered most of it, it was tight and yet at the same time it flowed, it was strapless and had a very revealing vee neck line, Rose would totally wear it at her own wedding if she could. **(I have a picture of this too you guys have to cheek it out it's on the profile and it's so cute and at the same time creepy, it was really funny to imagine Edward in)**

When Rose found the dress she was quick to purchase it and then made her way to the changing rooms to go find Bella. "Hear Rose put this on." Bella said handing Rose the bridesmaids dress from hell. Rose took one look at her, looked back down at the dress and laughed….Bella was insane.

"Oh God Bella, that thing looks fit for aliens." Rose snickered.

"Well I like it and your going to have to put it on because I already brought one for each of us and the lady said no returns." Bella said forcing Rose into a changing room. Jst as she did her cell phone went off.

"Hello Alice, yes I've got the wedding dress, yes I have the bridesmaid dresses too….but I have to tell you Bella picked those out." Rose said so she wouldn't be blamed later. Bella couldn't hear what exactly Alice was saying on the other end of the phone but it was loud and it sounded something like 'you idiot how could you let her pick out anything, this wedding is going to be so fucked up it isn't funny!!!!' Bella was saddened by that, she really tried to do a good job this time………

Anyway Rose was out of the changing room in less then ten minutes with the as she called it the 'alien bridesmaid dress from hell' on. She looked mortified when she saw it on herself in the mirror.

"Bella this is hideous, you would have done a better job if you took cloths from the hobos at the bridge." Rose moaned.

"Well whatever, were running low on time anyway lets just go, did you get the wedding dress?" Bella asked her changing the subject.

"Oh I've got the wedding dress." Rose said showing Bella.

"Oh my God, when Edward see's that he's going to freak." Bella whispered in amusement. Rose started laughing too…until she remembered what she was wearing, saw everyone staring at her and got back into the car………

Out of no where Esme and Carlisle appeared. "Hey guys….what in God's name are you wearing?" Carlisle asked.

"Our bridesmaid dresses." Bella answered.

"Bridesmaid dresses? Who's getting married?" Esme asked.

"Edward." Rose answered.

"Edward and Bella? Well this is short notice." Esme said.

"No, I'm not marring him, Jake is." Bella snickered.

"Another dare?" Carlisle asked.

"Actually they brought this one on themselves." Rose said as everyone got into her convertible.

"Oh wow this shall be interesting." Esme said as she looked at the dress in the bag. "Who's going to be wearing this?" She asked.

"That one's for Edward." Rose smiled. Esme and Carlisle looked stunned.

"I'm so glad your back Carlisle, just in time to walk Edward down the isle."

"Never thought that would happen." Carlisle mumbled.

**(Mean while)**

Alice had put Emmett in charge of calling everyone and inviting them to this wedding…..That was one job he couldn't ruin right? Let's find out………………

He started by calling Charlie…..

"Hello?" Charlie answered nervously…..Emmett scared him a little.

"Hello Charlie, it's Emmett." He stated.

"Yes, I know, I have caller id." Charlie said.

"Well gosh Charlie, you don't have to be so rood about it." Emmett pouted.

"I wasn't being rood."

"Were too."

"Nut uh."

"Yes you were."

"No I really wasn't."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"YES!!!!!"

"NO!!!!"

"YES HUH!!!!!!"

"Oh you know what Emmett, it's not worth fighting with you, I'm hanging up." Charlie said.

"But wait…it could be an emergency." Emmett said stopping him.

"Well is it an emergency?" Charlie asked.

"Well…no."

"Then I'm hanging up."

"But Charlie I have to tell you something, something important." Emmett said.

Charlie decided to let him get on with it, there was no way to get rid of Emmett. "Ok Emmett, what is so important that you have to tell me right now?" Charlie asked.

"Well…….um….you know what you didn't let me say it for so long now I forget." Emmett said.

"Well if you don't remember then I'm hanging up." Charlie said.

"Wait I remember now, Alice told Jazz who told Rose who told Bella who told Seth who told Quil who told me to tell you that there's going to be a wedding." Emmett said finally getting it out.

"Ok…so what do you want me to do about it?" Charlie asked.

"What do I want you to do about it?" Emmett asked himself. "Oh yah, I want you to come."

"Well who's wedding is it?" Charlie asked.

"Edward and-" he was cut off by Charlie's hysteria.

"Edward and Bella are getting married? We didn't she tell me this? Is she pregnant?" Charlie asked.

"Ok first of all Bella's not pregnant, they never do anything trust me I would know." Emmett said.

"They don't….wait how would you know? Then why are they getting married?" Charlie asked.

"Edward isn't marring Bella, stop worrying." Emmett said trying to soothe him.

"He isn't marring Bella but he's getting married? He's marring some other girl? What is my daughter not good enough for him?" Charlie asked.

"No, no Charlie, Edward's not marrying a girl, he's marring a boy." Emmett said.

"Marrying a boy? I knew something was wrong with him that why I told her to go after Jake, he's the real man." Charlie mumbled.

"Well actually Charlie…Edward's marrying Jacob." Emmett said.

"Marrying Jacob what the hell….wait are you guys still playing truth or dare?" Charlie asked.

"Yup."

"Ok well that explains everything." Charlie said.

"Great, so I'll see you at the church in three hours." Emmett said looking at the clock.

"Um…ok." Charlie said about to hang up.

"Wait don't hang up yet, I have to tell you something else." Emmett said.

"What? That Bella's marrying Alice?" Charlie asked.

"No, god Charlie I don't know where you come up with these ideas, I was going to say tell Billy." Emmett said.

"Ok." Charlie said as he hung up for real this time.

"Bye Charlie……hey he hung up….god doesn't anyone say goodbye anymore?" Emmett said as he put the phone back on the hook.

"You told everyone?" Alice asked as she pulled Jake and Edward along with her, Edward had curlers in his hair like a woman while Jake was getting his hair cut to look more like a man.

"Um….well I told Charlie." Emmett said.

"Emmett you were on the phone for twenty minutes and you only got to tell one person?" Alice asked annoyed, she was bringing her anger out on Edward's hair.

"Ouch that hurts!!" Edward yelled.

"Sorry Edward." Alice said letting go. "Oh wait I'm mad at you." She said putting her hand back on his head….he wallowed in pain……….

"Actually Alice, I told Charlie to tell Billy so really I got two people done in twenty minutes." Emmett admitted.

"You told my father?" Jake asked in pure shock.

"Actually I told Charlie to tell your father, I just told Charlie." Emmett pointed out.

"Oh God my dad is going to freak." Jacob said.

"Well how do you know that?" Emmett asked.

"Because he's already questioning me after the whole Quil incident that landed on YouTube." Jake said glaring at Edward….Edward smiled.

"Wait….your Dad knows how to get on YouTube?" Emmett asked.

"Yes…and oh that is so not the point!!!!!" Jake yelled. "Now he's going to tell my grandma that I am gay….oh my god what if he invites grandma?" Jake said as he started to rock in beetle position on the floor.

"Jacob Black you get off that floor right now mister, your going to ruin your tux." Alice yelled.

"Speaking of outfits what am I wearing?" Edward asked.

"Oh don't worry Edward, Rose picked out something special for you, she should be hear any minute." Alice smiled evilly, Edward was afraid.

As if right on cue Rose, Bella, Carlisle and Esme came in the front door.

"Whoa, what happened Bells alien convention?" Jacob asked as they came into the room.

"No, these are the dresses I picked out for the wedding." Bella said. Alice was shocked.

"ROSE HOW THE HELL COULD YOU LET HER WALK OUT OF THE STORE WITH THOSE?" Alice asked.

"Simple…..no returns." Rose said looking down in disgust at her dress.

"Oh whatever..." Alice said Changing the subject. "I just hope you didn't let her pick out the bride's dress." Alice said.

"Oh don't worry Alice, I picked out the wedding gown and it is absolutely stunning." Rose said as she unzipped the bag so Alice could see.

"Wait a second……wedding gown?" Edward asked.

"Well of course Edward, someone has to be the bride hear." Alice snickered.

Jacob was dyeing of laughter while Edward looked like he was just dyeing. "So that's what the curlers were for." Edward said as he took them out and ran up stairs.

"No Edward, you're going to ruin your hair." Alice said running after him.

"What's all the commotion about?" Jasper asked as he walked past Edward.

"Alice is making Edward wear that." Bella said pointing to the dress. Jasper took one look and couldn't stop laughing.

"Now Bella would look great in that but Edward? I don't know….." Jake said.

"Jake stop thinking about other women, that's so unhealthy for a married man." Bella laughed.

"Hey, I'm not married yet." Jake said as he came over to kiss Bella.

"Jake stop it, I am not interfering with your relationship." Bella said backing away.

**(Mean while) **

"Edward get back hear, you are getting waxed and you are going to like it." Alice said running after Edward.

"No damn way in hell!!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Emmett, Jazz will you get over hear, I need someone to hold Edward down so we can wax him!!!" Alice yelled.

They appeared in seconds grabbed Edward and pinned him to the floor. "Sorry bro it's for your own good." Emmett said as he looked at Edward's sad face, he had been betrayed by his own brothers.

Alice was still upset about earlier so she was still able to do full damage.

"Wait Alice, if you shave my legs it wont grow back!!!" Edward yelled.

"Oh well, sucks for you." Alice said as she put the wax paper on his leg and started ripping away.

"Ouch, damn it Alice that shit hurts!!!" Edward screamed.

"Oh suck it up, you're a vampire!!!!!" Alice yelled then pealed again.

"Do you have to do that so fast?" Edward asked.

"Yes, fast like a bandage." Alice said doing the same thing again and again.

After ten minutes Edwards legs, arms, and chest were shinny and hear free. "There you go Edward, all done now lets get your dress on." Alice said as she took the dress out of the bag.

"Edward, you're going to need a thong, we don't want panty lines." Alice said looking at the dress.

Emmett and Jazz went down stairs after that, they had seen enough of Edward, they didn't need to see that much.

"Why was he screaming?" Bella asked.

"Well Alice had to wax him or something, and now she's putting him in a thong." Emmett explained.

Everyone burst out into laughter….except for Bella, she looked sad.

"What's wrong Bella?" Emmett asked.

"His hair is never going to grow back." Bella pouted.

"Oh whatever……it will help with his pansy look." Jake smirked.

"So not funny Jake." Bella said smacking him in the stomach with a baseball bat.

"Ouch, what was that all about?" Jake asked.

"Well you said it could only hurt if I hit you with a baseball bat so I figured I'd give it a shot." Bella said.

"More like swing." Emmett joked.

"You people are mean." Jake said rubbing his stomach. Just as he did Leah and Emily walked in.

"Hey Jake….we heard you were getting married." Emily smirked.

"Never knew you'd liked a leech." Leah laughed. "Especially a guy leech."

"Hey, this is just a dare." Jake said fixing his suite.

"Um hum sure….so anyway I heard we get to be bridesmaids." Leah said changing the subject.

"What are we wearing?" Emily asked…they hadn't seen Bella and Rose yet.

"This", Bella said handing a dress to each of them.

"You're kidding right?" Leah said looking at the dress.

"Unfortunately no." Rose said.

"I can't believe I have to marry Edward." Jacob muttered.

"Look on the bright side, at least now you can get your green card." Emmett said.

"I'm not an illegal immigrant!!!!!" Jake yelled.

"I thought you were Spanish…….oh well." Emmett said as everyone got ready to leave.

********************************

**(Later) **

Everyone arrived in there outfits at the church about an hour later and just in time. Carlisle got prepared to walk his son down the isle while everyone took there places. There were over two hundred people at the wedding, ranging from people from school, to people from La Push, to people from the police station…..hopefully everyone knew this was only a dare.

The ceremony was quick. Bella walked down with Seth, then Alice with Jazz, then Emily with Sam, then Rose with Emmett, then Quil with Leah and finally the bride started to come.

The whole crowd tried desperately not to laugh when they saw Edward coming down the isle in his wedding dress. At first they thought he was a girl, Alice had done such a great job…….but then they figured it was Edward. Poor, poor, Edward, he could barley walk he was so embarrassed.

Well I guess this is what he gets for dressing Alice up like a hobo, dying her hair green and grey, and repainting her car to match puke.

When he got to the front of the room he stood next to Jacob and the paster went over his speech. They each un willingly said there I do's and then the paster let out the line everyone was waiting for….. "Jacob you may now kiss the bride." Jake slowly leaned in as did Edward, each with disgusted looks on there faces and gave each other a minor lip peck.

"Come on, this is your bride, that's all you going to do?" The paster asked.

Everyone started chanting kiss, kiss, kiss, again and Jacob leaned in once more…hey this was kind of like at the nursing home….well except Jake was kissing Edward instead of Bella and there were tons more people hear.

After a grueling five seconds it was all over and Edward and Jacob ran out of there as fast as possible……at least the worst was done….too bad Mike had gotten this on tape.

"This is so going on YouTube." Mike snickered.

Bella got into the front of the room. "Just to confirm people this was all a dare." And with that everyone went back to the woods…………………..

**Authors note: Well that was awkward………..But funny right? R U Guys still loving it? Please tell me what you think in your reviews!!!!!!!!!!! (= **


	17. PREGNANT!

**Authors note: Hey everyone I would just like to say thanks so, so, so much for the reviews (= there well appreciated. Hope your still loving it though I know it's been getting pretty weird. LOL anyway I can't really guaranty any less weirdness but yah…..I wonder if anyone actually reads these things………LOL anyway let's just get on with this already (=…………….**

"I can't believe I'm married." Jacob muttered. "And to a filthy blood sucker."

"Now Jacob don't talk about your wife like that." Bella snickered. This was so funny.

"Damn I've had to kiss a lot of people during this game." Jacob muttered.

"Well technically Jacob you only kissed one person." Emmett pointed out, he was trying to act smart.

"So, who was the best kisser?" Bella asked.

"Um…I'm going to have to say Quil." Jake laughed. Bella hit him with the baseball bat again.

"Ouch!!! Damn it Bella!!! Will someone please take that thing away from her?" Jacob yelled.

No one was paying much attention to him. Edward was trying to get out of his wedding dress while Rose and Alice were busy trying on wigs. Jasper was paying Emmett off for the bet he lost saying that they wouldn't go through with this, Quil was whispering something to Seth, Carlisle and Esme were making out *ewe* and Bella was wondering why everyone thought the dresses she picked out were so ugly.

"What do you think pink or blue?" Alice asked. She was holding up two different bob wigs, one was hot pink, and one was electric blue.

"Alice don't you think those are a little crazy?", Rose asked as she looked from one blond wig to another, trying to decide between Britney Spears, Hannah Montana, and Taylor Swift.

"A little crazy? You think these are a little crazy? Have you seen what happened to my hair?!?!?!" Alice asked taking off her wig.

"Oh yah…..whatever, which one of these do you like best? Britney, Taylor, or Hannah?" Rose asked.

"Go with that one." Emmett said pointing to the Hannah wig. "It looks like Lady Gaga." Did I mention Emmett was obsessed with Lady Gaga? Just as Rose put on the wig he started singing a very bad impression of Love Game……………

Rose laughed but everyone else covered there ears for dear life. "Emmett shut up man wolfs have very sensitive hearing!!!" Jake yelled.

"Fine……stupid dog." Emmett muttered.

"I going to go with the hot pink." Alice said putting on her wig and getting back to the game.

"Who's turn is it now?" Bella asked.

"Um…let's see…well Bella I think it's still your turn since you never actually did your dare." Alice said.

'Damn it, damn it, shit, I'm so dead' Bella thought. 'I had to remind her, why the hell did I remind her?'

"Bella come on it's time for you to get on your roller coaster." Alice said pulling Bella alone,

"Oh Alice do I have to?" Bella asked.

"Yes, but hear I'll make it better, your going to be on a roller coaster with Mike and Eric, not handcuffed to them but we can handcuff your hands together, you don't have to go 10 times, only three and Jasper will be shooting waves of lust." Alice giggled…this was going to be interesting.

"Hey wait a second, you said you were going to make it better." Bella said.

"I did…but not for you, for everyone else." Alice laughed.

Jake and Edward looked stunned, they were not going to let this happen. "Alice that's not fair." They both said in unison.

"He look, you guys can talk at the same time, see you are a perfect couple." Emmett said smiling. Jake and Edward were pissed at that.

"Stop saying what I'm saying." They said at the same time. "Oh my God, seriously quit it!!!" They said both at the same time again.

"Wow, just like twins." Emmett said truly amused. Bella laughed…well until she remembered what she was about to do.

"Oh Bella, one more thing." Alice said.

"Oh God, what now?" Bella asked…she knew it wasn't going to be good but she might as well get it over with……

"I'm going to dress you for the occasion." Alice said. Bella was afraid, she knew she was probably going to end up looking like a slutitude **(My friend Ali made that word up LOL)**

"Alice you are not going to dress my Bella up like some slutitude!!!" Edward argued.

"Slutitude?" Jacob asked.

"You know, like slut and prostitute mixed together." Edward explained.

"Oh……."

"God Jake, even I got that one." Emmett laughed.

"Alice really, I can't do this, can't I do something else, please anything else." Bella begged.

"Ok…then I dare you to go over your dad's house and tell him your pregnant but you don't know if it's Edward's, Jacob's or Mike's." Alice said.

"Oh my god Alice what the hell!?!?!?!" Jake and Edward yelled, yet again in unison.

"Is it too late to go on the roller coaster?" Bella asked.

"Yes, you said anything else and this is something else, now come on let's go." Alice said as she dragged Bella over to Charlie's house.

***************************

"Charlie, Bella has something to tell you." Alice said when they got to Charlie's house.

'Please don't let her be marring Alice' Charlie thought. "What is it honey?" He asked hesitantly.

"Um…………."

"Come on Bella tell him!!!" Alice yelled.

"Um….well dad…uh….how do I put this…….I…..I'm a…….I'm pre……pre…….Pregnant." Bella spit out.

"What?!?!?!" Charlie yelled.

"And that's not the worst part!!!" Alice said.

"What else could there be?" Charlie asked.

"Well um….I……I don't know who's baby it is" Bella said.

"What…how many guys have you?" Charlie asked.

"Well you know dad, it could be Edward's or….Jake's………..or Mike's." Bella said, it was really hard for her to say that last one……………………………………

"You….Jake? Mike?" Charlie mumbled.

"Um….yah." Bella said.

"Well are you sure your….you know?" Charlie asked…..this was a hard topic for him to speak about.

"Yah she is, she got Carlisle to cheek." Alice said. Bella was coming very close to slapping her.

"Well we should sit down and think this one over……I'm sure we could figure out who's……..baby…….it is." Charlie said. 'Oh God I'm going to kill Alice' Bella thought. "Well Bella…..um……do you….do you a……remember who you were a…..with last?" Charlie asked.

Alice was desperately trying to burst out into laughter. Bella was desperately trying not to hit her with the baseball bat.

Charlie looked like he was waiting for her to speak and the longer it took her the more guys he thought she'd been with. Bella had to hurry up and say something.

"Well um…." Bella started.

"She was with Jake earlier today." Alice blurted out.

"No I wasn't, I was with Edward!!" Bella yelled

Charlie looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"But that's not what we were doing……" Bella reassured him.

"Well yah but early today you were doing something with Jake, I was there, everyone was there, you were outside." Alice said. Bella was about to kill her.

"First of all Alice that is not what happened…..we were just making out, and second of all I know you were there, that was a dare remember." Bella said.

"Well then what about Mike?" Alice said.

"I never did anything with Mike!!!!" Bella yelled.

"Wait a second, did you just say you never did anything with Mike, but you just said….wait…dare….Bella please tell me this is all a dare!!" Charlie yelled….wow he was quicker then I thought.

"Yah…." Bella said awkwardly.

"Oh thank god!!! But wait a second….Jake? I thought you were dating Edward, you've never done that with him have you? He's so young Bella!!!"

"Ok first dad, no of course I've never done Jake, I've never done anyone, not even Edward!!!! And Quil's probably gotten farther with Jake then I have." Bella said.

"Oh yah, well Quil didn't try to get Jake's pants off like you did!!!" Alice yelled.

"Wait a second Quil?......I don't even want to know, and second YOU TRIED TO TAKE HIS PANTS OFF?" Charlie yelled.

"Um….maybe…..that's not the point!!" Bella yelled.

"Your right that's not the point, you are grounded two weeks." Charlie yelled.

"Can I finish playing truth or dare first?" Bella asked.

"…I guess."

"Ok, bye Daddy, see you later." Bella said as she left.


	18. Lie detector!

**Authors note: Sorry the last chapter was so short guys……but we weren't done with Bella yet…this is the second part of that…..let's see what happens LOL (=**

"Did he pass out?" Jake asked when Bella got back.

"No, but you think he would of." Bella said.

"Yah…….that wasn't fun at all, Bella you should have never told him it was a dare!!!" Alice said.

"Wait Bella you can't say it's a dare, that's against the rules." Emmett said taking out the rule book.

"I don't remember Edward saying that." Bella said. Emmett quickly scribbled into the rule book.

"Yes he did, you just don't remember, look it's right hear." Emmett said pointing it out.

"You just wrote that in!!!" Bella accused.

"…No I didn't."

"Yes you did, I saw you."

"You didn't see anything!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Oh whatever." Bella sighed.

"Well since that's in the rules then I guess you're going to have to go back over there and tell him it wasn't a dare." Alice said.

"Alice that's so unfair!!!" Bella moaned.

"Oh well….it's in the rules so let's go!!!!" Alice said as she dragged Bella back to Charlie's house.

************************

"Hey Charlie guess what, were back!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Oh God, what now?" Charlie asked.

"Well Bella wanted me to tell you that you know how she said that, that was a dare last time." Alice said.

"Yes…."

"It wasn't…she just said that, it's all true she is having a baby, she doesn't know who's it is and this time it's all true." Alice said.

"Bella…..is this true?" Charlie asked. All Bella could do was shake her head yes.

Charlie started to back up, then breath really heavy and then…..he fainted.

"Oh my God Alice look what you did!!!!!!!!!" Bella yelled going over to her father.

"How the hell are we suppose to get him up?" Bella asked.

"CARLISLE!!!!!!!!!!!" Alice yelled.

Carlisle came running over. "What happened?" he asked.

"We told him it was all true and……he fainted." Alice said.

"Oh God did he have a heart attack?" Bella asked.

Carlisle cheeked his Vidal signs. "No, it looks like he just passed out." Carlisle said.

"Well how do we get him back up?" Bella asked.

"Do you have any hot sauce?" Carlisle asked. Bella got the hot sauce and he put it on Charlie's tongue. He woke right up.

"I thought that only worked in movies." Bella said.

"Me too…..this is the first time I ever tried it." Carlisle said.

"Well thanks for using my dad as a testing dummy." Bella said.

"No problem……"

"I was being sarcastic." Bella said.

"Whatever……."

"Oh hi guys, I had the strangest dream, Bella told me she was pregnant and she didn't know who the father was." Charlie said getting up. 'Hum, what was I doing sleeping on the floor?' Charlie thought to himself. 'I can't remember…..I need to stop drinking' Charlie thought answered himself.

"Well actually Charlie, that wasn't a dream….that actually happened and you weren't sleeping…..you passed out." Emmett butted in.

'Emmett you are so dead.' Bella thought, she was definitely going to get him later….though she wanted to get back at Alice way more……guess she would have to decide that one later……

"Wait….so….Bella is pregnant?" Charlie asked.

"Um hum." Bella said as Alice started rubbing her stomach.

"Look, she's already showing." Alice said.

"Hey!!! I am not fat!!!" Bella yelled.

"It's not fat hone it's baby wait now, you know what I bet it's Newton's." Alice said, she loved playing along.

"I think it's Jake's." Emmett said.

"I think it's mine." Edward said.

"Edward you're a vamp- I mean you just can't have kids, it's not yours." Well Emmett almost blew that secret. "Besides, you're gay."

"I am not gay!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Well you kiss enough guys." Emmett said.

"Jake kissed a lot more guys then me." Edward said.

"Well maybe but you proposed to two." Emmett said.

"You guys this is a stupid fight!!!!" Bella yelled.

"Yes, we have to get back to my daughter." Charlie said……Bella should have just let them have there fight.

"And we should probably get Billy over hear so he knows about this." Charlie said.

"No, we really shouldn't." Jake said.

"Why not?" Charlie asked.

"Because I never did anything!!!!" Jake yelled….he was already in enough trouble with his father.

"Well then if that's true would you all be willing to take a lie detector test?" Charlie asked.

"Um……I guess." Jake and Bella said.

*************************

**(Later at the police department) **

Edward was the first one who was attached…….Charlie started asking him questions….some had absolutely nothing to do with what he was hear for…………………..

"Have you ever been to jail?" Charlie asked.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Edward asked.

"Your hear, I can ask anything I want now answer the question, have you ever been to jail?" Charlie asked again.

"Um…….no."

"Lie!!!!"

"Ok fine once!!!" Edward answered.

"For what?" Charlie asked.

"I um…..stole something for a game of truth or dare." Edward said.

"Felon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Charlie yelled.

"Can we please just get on with this?" Edward asked.

"Oh yah…..um have you ever done anything with my daughter?" Charlie asked.

"No." Edward answered honestly.

"Li- oh wait, it says that's the truth, well why not?!?!?! Is she not good enough for you?" Charlie asked.

"No of course not, she's great…it's just….I want to wait until marriage ok!!!" Edward yelled.

"Ok…..one more question then." Charlie said.

"Oh God, what now?" Edward asked.

"Have you ever done anything with anyone else?" Charlie asked.

"No."

"Li- oh wait that one was true to, ok you're free to go felon." Charlie said. "Tell your husband he's next." Charlie said as Edward walked out of the room….Edward really wanted to hurt him but he had to stop himself.

"Mongrel you're up next." Edward said sitting down in the waiting room.

"Was it horrible?" Jake asked.

"Well he asked a bunch of unnecessary questions." Edward pouted.

"Like what?" Jake asked.

"If I've ever been to jail, what I went to jail for, why I've never done anything with his daughter." Edward pouted.

"Well I've never been to jail so I'm good." Jake said as he went into the room.

"Hello Jacob, please sit down." Charlie said as he attacked the wires to his head.

"Ok I'm going to ask you some questions, are you ok with that?" Charlie asked….he was being much nicer to Jake then he was to felon, I mean Edward.

"Yah I guess." Jake said getting ready to answer anything he threw at him.

"Ok, are you gay?' Charlie asked.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Jake asked.

"Hey, I ask the questions around hear now just answer yes or no." Charlie said.

"Of course not." Jake answered.

"Li- oh wait that's the truth, well have you ever kissed a guy…besides Edward?" Charlie asked.

"No…."

"Lie!!!" Charlie yelled.

"Ok fine…I kissed Quil, but that was just for truth or dare!!!" Jake yelled. Charlie looked at him strangely but was quick to move on……….

"Ok, what do you do with Bella when you two are in your garage?" Charlie asked….he didn't know how to exactly answer him, he wasn't suppose to tell about the whole motor cycle thing but if he lied then Charlie would never let Bella in his garage again. Jake paused for a moment.

"Say it boy!!!" Charlie yelled.

"Ok…we built motor cycles are you happy?" Jake said.

"Li- oh wait it says that's the truth……maybe something's wrong with this thing." Charlie said hitting him…when Charlie hit it the electric surged from the wires and make Jake's hair buzz up with lightening.

"Ouch!!!" Jake yelled.

"Sorry……wait one more question and then you can leave." Charlie laughed.

"This is so not funny!!!' Jake yelled.

"Uh hum…sure." Charlie said trying to hold back his laughter.

"Is my daughter pregnant?" Charlie asked.

"No."

"Then why'd she say that?" Charlie asked.

"Because it was a dare and then you figured it out and then Bella went back to the game and then Emmett said it was against the rules so then Bella said she had to go back so then she did and she mad up a lie and then you passed out and made us come hear." Jake said so fast Charlie barley heard him.

"Emmett!!!" Charlie yelled.

"Yup."

"Emmett could you please come hear." Charlie said.

Jake went back into the waiting room and everyone laughed at him.

"What…happened…to….your…..hair?" Bella asked threw spasms of laughter.

"I was electrocuted." Jake said.

Emmett came out of the room with his hair in a big as Jake's. "What happened to you?" Rose asked.

"Same thing that happened to him." Emmett said pointing to Jake……everyone laughed again……..

"Bella could you come back hear?" Charlie asked.

"That depends….are you going to electrocute me?" Bella asked.

"Of course not honey." Charlie answered.

"Ok then, coming." Bella said.

She was attached to the wires and Charlie started asking her questions.

"Ok Bella so just to confirm you aren't with child right?" Charlie asked.

"Of course not." Bella said.

"Ok good." Charlie said relieved. "Ok while were hear we might as well clear a few things up." Charlie said.

"Ok." Bella answered.

"You're not marring Alice are you?" he asked.

"No…where'd you get that idea?" Bella asked.

"No where….moving on…um so have you ever done you know what with anyone?" Charlie asked.

"No" Bella answered.

"Have you ever gotten close?" Charlie asked.

"Maybe……."

"Who?"

"Um Jake…and I would have with Edward but he stopped me, there you happy? I told the truth!!!!" Bella screamed as she ran out.

"Um…that was interesting."

"Come on guys let's get out of hear." Bella said as they ran out….and back to the woods they went.

*******************************

"So who's next?" Bella said looking around…….She decided to pick Emmett.

"Emmett truth or dare?" Bella asked.

"Dare!!" Emmett yelled.

"Ok….I dare you to go to the library." Bella yelled.

"NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Emmett screamed.

"I don't get it, what's so bad about the library?" Jake asked.

"What's so bad about the library? Are you serious? First of all you have to be quite at all times, that's like virtually impossible. Second all you can do is read!!! Who in there right mind would want to read!!!!!!!" Emmett was now freaking out.

**Authors note: So you guys did you seriously think that last chapter was it for Bella? What do you take me for? That was way to short…I just wanted to see what everyone would say….and now Emmett's going to the library, I would have wrote that entire chapter on hear but my dad is forcing me off the computer so I guess will have to finish that tomorrow, don't worry I promise long and funny (= **


	19. no espeaky spanisho

**Authors note: So now we shall see what happens to poor Emmett at the library…will he read? Will he die? Will he be able to be quite? Let's find out……….**

"Bella please, please don't make me go to the library!!!!" Emmett begged actually getting on his hands and knees.

"Emmett your going to the library, stop being such a drama queen." Bella said.

"Fine……" Emmett pouted.

"Wait before we go empty your pockets." Bella said.

"What the hell?" Emmett asked confused.

"You heard me, I said empty your pockets, no electronics in the library." Bella said putting out her hands.

"No, I would like to keep the contents of my pockets thank you." Emmet said covering his pockets with his hands.

"I'm serious Emmett, they'll stop you." Bella answered.

"Whatever."

"If you have anything inappropriate in your pockets they'll stop you Emmett, and you'll have to go to jail again." Bella threatened.

"Fine……" Emmett said as he stuck his hand in his pocket, he really, really didn't want to see the transvestite again…or Charlie. Charlie was a meany head.

Emmett started to take things out of his pockets. "Ewe Emmett, is this a sex toy?" Bella asked. Looking at what Emmett had taken out of his pockets.

"Maybe……"

"Ewe!!" She screamed as she threw it on the floor. Rose and Emmett laughed. "Hey remember when we used that yesterday?" Rose asked.

"Ewe, ewe, ewe, ewe, ewe!!!!" Bella screamed whipping her hands on her pants…that was so disgusting.

"Just kidding Bells."

"Yah right….." Bella muttered as she started whipping her hands on Jake.

"Ewe gross, stop it Bella!!!!" Jake yelled.

"Ok well might as well take the rest of this stuff out." Emmett said un loading his pockets.

"Emmett a pocket knife? Seriously?" Bella asked.

"Yah….you never know when your going to need a knife." Emmett said.

"What the hell would you need a pocket knife for", Bella asked confused.

"Well what if someone crazy came up behind you…you could use it to stab them." Emmett said.

"Why the hell would you need a knife, you're a vampire?" Edward said.

"Well yah….but what if I forgot I was a vampire, then I would need a knife." Emmett explained.

"You're insane."

"Thank you." Emmett said as he went back to emptying his pockets.

"Wait….what the hell is that thing?" Bella asked.

"……A sandwich………" Emmett mumbled.

"Again, vampire, why the hell do you need a sandwich? And why is it all moldy and green?" Bella asked.

"Well again, what if I got hungry and forgot I was a vampire and needed to eat something and it's green cause it's been in there a while…..I haven't changed my pants in a week." Emmett said.

"Well, why the hell not?" Bella asked.

"Because I've been busy…..doing things…..with Rose." Emmett said.

"Ok ewe….TMI," Bella muttered.

"Well you asked." Emmett laughed.

"Oh whatever, will you please just finish emptying your pockets?" Bella asked.

"Fine." Emmett said as he took out a stethoscope.

"Emmett….is that mine?" Carlisle asked.

"Maybe…..Rose and I like to play doctor." Emmett smiled.

"Ewe, now I need to go buy a new one." Carlisle complained as he dropped it in the trash.

"Hey well if you were going to throw it away I would have taken it back." Emmett said.

"Do not do what ever you were doing with that one to my new one." Carlisle said.

"No promises."

"Emmett!!!"

"Back to emptying my pockets." Emmett said as he took out a whole bunch of keys.

"Hey, are those my keys?" Edward asked.

"Maybe…..does it matter? It's not like you have a car." Emmett said putting the keys on the table. Edward sobbed and sighed a little.

"Poor Tanya, this is all I have left to remember her by." Edward said putting the keys up to his face.

"Weirdo." Emmett muttered as he started taking things out of the other pocket.

"Ok Emmett, what's the excuse for having tee shirts in your pockets?" Bella asked.

"Well what if I needed clothes?" Emmett asked.

"But you're wearing clothes…"

"Well yah, but what if I transformed into a werewolf and then I needed clothes." Emmett argued.

"Um Emmett….your not a wolf, you're a vamp." Bella argued.

"It could happen." Emmett said.

"Sure, just like how you'll need to stab someone with that knife." Edward joked.

"Shut up Edward or I will have to stab someone with that knife." Emmett muttered.

The next think he took out of his pocket was a poster with Rose's picture on it. "What the hell is this?" Rose asked looking at the poster "…..and why does it say lost?"

"Well think about this, what if you got lost, now I have posters in advance." Emmett said.

"I'm not a dog, if I got lost you can't just put up posters!!!" Rose yelled.

"Well excuse me for caring!!" Emmett yelled as he got back to digging threw his pockets.

"You know what, Emmett might not be as big as we thought, all that so called muscle might just be things he keeps in his pockets." Edward muttered.

"Ha, ha, very funny." Emmett said as he took out a stuffed bear from his pockets.

"Not even going to ask." Bella muttered.

"This is boggie boo." Emmett said cuddling the stuffed animal.

"And I'm weird." Edward snickered. Emmett sneered.

"Guys, this is taking too long, Emmett are you almost finished?" Bella asked.

"I've got one more thing." Emmett said as he took out a hair dye can.

"Why?" Bella asked.

"Well what if I start getting grey hair?" Emmett asked.

"Emmett, you can't get grey hair, you're a vampire!!!" Bella yelled.

"Ok yah, yah, I've heard enough of this vampire crap, let's get to the library." Emmett said.

"Ok." Bella said opening the front door.

"Wait, did I just say that?" Emmett asked.

"Yup, now let's go." Bella yelled as she pulled Emmett outside and into the car.

***********************

**(At the library) **

"I change my mind, I can't go in there!!!!!!" Emmett yelled. Everyone was standing outside the front door of the library.

"Oh you're going in there." Bella said pushing him threw the door.

"No!!! NO!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled and kicked and screamed like a little girl.

When he got inside every single person in the library was staring at him in utter confusion….after all he did sound like someone was murdering him……

"Shh!!" The librarian said pointing to the sign that said Barney says be quite.

"Fine, I'll be quite, but not for all of you people, only for Barney." Emmett said as he locked his lips and threw away the key….metaphorically of course.

Since Emmett was being quite he was really bored so he stared passing up and down the isle of books. He touched a book…..he tried to read the cover. "Twi- Twili- Twilight." Emmett said after almost a minute.

"What's this about?" he asked himself.

"Well it has a picture of an apple and some hands……they kind of look like Edward's hands…..I'd read the back but I'm too lazy." Emmett said as he put it back, and in the wrong place I might add.

All of the sudden an alarm went off, BEEP!!!! 'What's that all about?' he wondered.

"You put the book back in the wrong place!!!" Some lady yelled at him.

"Well gosh lady, it's just a book." Emmett argued.

"Just a book? A book is a valuable piece of knowledge!!!" The lady yelled.

"Knowledge?" Emmett repeated.

"Yes, but your not smart enough to understand that." The lady said as he she kicked him out of the young adult's book section.

What am I suppose to do now? Emmett thought to himself….he started walking to the other side of the library until saw a man on a laptop.

"Whatcha doing?" Emmett asked, sitting down next to the man.

"Work." The man replied.

"Oh…well why don't you do your work at home?"

"If I come hear I get free internet access." The man answered, he was starting to get very annoyed with Emmett.

"Oh, so your cheep like that." Emmett answered.

"I am not cheep!!!"

"Well you don't want to pay for your own internet so you must be cheep." Emmet answered.

"I'm not cheep; I just like to save money." The man answered.

"Same thing….."

"What are you even doing hear?" The man asked.

"Why do you want to know? Are you some kind of stocker?" Emmett said getting up.

"God, I was just asking a question…"

"Oh well in that case I'm hear cause I was dared." Emmett answered coming back over to the man, if he was trying to get rid of him he wasn't doing such a hot job.

"So……….I'm bored how long have I been hear, only like ten minutes…..so bored…hey you want to play a game?" Emmett asked the man.

"..Not really………."

"Well why not? You don't like me? Well whatever man, there are plenty of other people hear who would love to play with me." Emmett said walking away.

"Uh….he's finally gone." The man sighed.

"Hey, I heard that." Emmett yelled.

"Whatever."

"Hey." Emmett said sitting down next to an old lady.

"Hello sonny." The woman answered looking up at him.

"You want to play a game?" Emmett asked.

"I wish I could, but I have to get back to grocery shopping." The woman answered.

"But…this is a library."

"No it's not…..it's a grocery store…look at all the food." The lady said.

"Um lady….I may be stupid sometimes but I'm pretty sure that that's a book." Emmett answered.

"No, this is a steak….I mean it may be hard but I'm pretty sure I know what a steak looks like."

"I may not eat but I know that's not a steak." Emmett answered.

"Wait…..did you just say you didn't eat?" The lady asked stunned.

"No…."

"Yes you did."

"You didn't hear anything!!!" Emmett yelled running into the next room.

He stopped dead in the middle of the door way. He was staring at a room full of tiny tables, little chairs, and a whole bunch of other small furniture.

"Oh no, this is horrible, I've some how turned into a giant!!!!" Emmett yelled sobbing hysterically into the carpet.

"Um…sir." One of the workers said coming up to him and tapping him on the shoulder.

"What do you want, can't you see I'm upset hear lady, I've some how turned giant and no ones doing anything about it!!!" Emmett yelled…..he hadn't yet looked up at the woman, his head was still in the carpet.

"Sir….."

"Can't you see I'm busy!?!?!?!" Emmett yelled finally looking at the woman.

"Oh my god, your giant too!!!" Emmett said getting up.

"Listen lady we have to stick together, I don't know how this happened but we've turned gigantic."

"Um actually sir, no ones gigantic…."

"But…..all the furniture is so small." Emmett muttered.

"Um yes….I know."

"So we must be giant!!!"

"No sir…actually the furniture is so small because this is the children's section." The worker answered.

"Oh……." Emmett answered. "Well I'm going over there now." Emmett said as he went down an isle of books. He was embarrassed but it was an honest mistake…..Edward would have thought the same thing…..maybe.

Emmett was getting bored so instead of hiding he decided to actually look around….I know could you believe it, him reading books…well he was in a children's section.

"What should I look at?" Emmett thought to himself. "Ooh, that one has a cat on it, and when you touch it it's soft." Emmett said rubbing the book up to his face.

"Hum, this looks kinda cool, I think I might read it." Emmett said sitting down on one of the mini chairs……..he broke it. "Shit!!! Ouch!!!" He yelled rubbing his butt.

"Watch your language." One of the mothers said covering her child's ears.

"Oh shut up bitch." Emmett muttered.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch!!!" The kid screamed……four year olds copied absolutely everything they heard.

"Look what you did stupid bastard!!!" The lady screamed.

"Bastard!!!!" The kid yelled.

"Come on Kenny, let's get out of hear." The lady yelled glaring at him.

"Well that lady was insane….and this must be a faulty chair." Emmett said as he sat down on another one….he broke that one too.

"These damn chairs are all fucked up." Emmett yelled as he decided to sit on the floor.

"Now let's read this." Emmett said as he opened the first page of a ten page book. "Kittens…..lik- like…….yarn." Emmett read. "Awe so cute." Emmett said as he pet the page. "Hey little kitty I wish I could take you home but Jasper would eat you." Emmett said.

"Oh Jasper's your dog?" One lady asked.

"No…he's my brother."

"But you just said he'd eat cat." The lady repeated.

"Yah he would eat cat, dog, bird, fish, anything….that's why we can't have pets, no if you'd excuse me I need to get back to reading….I want to finish in an hour." Emmett answered.

"An hour? That books only ten pages." The lady said confused.

"Yah, I know…..on second thought I might need two hours."

"You're so weird." The lady said walking away.

"Yah…everyone says that." "Now back to this." Emmett said turning the page. "Don't worry kitty, I'll come back to you later." Emmett said turning the page back to the first one for a second and talking to it.

"Cats…..also….like……..to…dri- drink……mi-…milk." Emmett read……the funny part of this was that this book was only at a second grade level…….

"And….eat….cat fo- food." Emmett read. "Oh my god this is getting boring….i'm only half way done…..oh whatever, I tried." Emmett said as he threw the book on the floor and looked at the clock, it was surprising he could actually tell time……or could he?

"Lady could you tell me what time it is?" Emmett asked going up to the front desk.

"Sure..it's half past nine."

"Um? Oh sorry, I don't speak Spanish." Emmett replied.

"But…that was English…" The lady answered. "It's half past nine."

"No espeakey spanisho" Emmett replied.

"What?"

"I said I don't speak Spanish."

"No…you said 'no espeakey spanisho'." The lady answered.

"Yah, that's how you say it in Spanish." Emmett replied.

"I thought you just said you didn't know spanish….."

"Well yah but….hey maybe I do.."

"Your insane."

"God, is that all everyone says around hear?"

Just as he was talking his family came back into the room.

"Thank god your hear guys!!!! Emmett yelled getting everyone into a group hug. "That was crazy."

"Well actually we only came back cause we didn't hear screaming….we thought they may have killed you….."

"So I don't get to go home yet?"

"No….."

"DAMN IT!!"

"That's it sir, your in the children's section, you've cursed enough now take your cat and get out!!!!" One of the workers screamed.

"Well ok, that works." Emmett said taking his book.

"Emmett? You have a cat now?" Jazz asked.

"Yes, he's in hear so don't eat him." Emmett said closing the book before Jazz had the chance.

"That's a book…" Edward complained.

"Speaking of books did you know I can now read at a second grade level." Emmett told Edward. Everyone laughed.

"No…I'm serious."

**Authors note: Well that was the chapter sorry it took me a while to post….i forgot I had to finish this LOL (= anyway hear it is (=**


	20. Hide and seek to the extreme

**Authors note: Ok so some of you guys have been bugging me about my spelling and grammar…..I would just like to say in this chapter I'm going to try harder actually if you think about it this is kind of sad cause I'm in honors English, you'd think I'd know how to spell……LOL Anyway this is going to be my attempt to try harder (=**

"I can't believe you guys locked me in the library." Emmett muttered.

"Well at least you made friends." Jasper said handing Emmett his cat book.

"Jasper how many times do I have to tell you, no body touches kitty!!!" Emmett yelled putting the book up to his face once again. "It's ok kitty, I'm here." **(Was that the right here?)**

"Wow Emmett…you named your cat kitty…..very original." Edward snickered.

"Don't dis the cats name."

"We might want to take that away from him….I think he might be becoming too attached." Alice whispered.

"I can hear you, and no one will ever take kitty away!!!!!!" Emmett yelled as he ran off with his book.

"Well….he's gone, what should we do now?" Alice asked.

"Is this game over yet? Can we go to sleep, I'm so tired." Bella yawned.

"Well gosh Bella, it's only 12, we can't quit yet." Alice butted in.

"Alice if my angel wants to go to sleep she's going to sleep." Edward argued.

"I agree….I'm tired too." Jake yawned.

"But guys, the game can't be over yet, we didn't even get to finish round two." Alice moaned.

"Alice Bella needs some sleep." Edward muttered.

"Me too….I'm going to pass out any minute." Seth yawned desperately trying to keep his eyes open.

"Oh you guys are no fun."

"Ok…..we don't have to quit, how about we make a compromise?" Bella asked. Alice perked up.

"I'm listening…."

"Ok, you let us sleep." Bella said pointing to herself and the wolfs. "And we can finish the game in the morning." Bella offered.

"Um….well I guess it's better then nothing, ok…you guys get till four a.m." Alice said setting up an alarm clock.

"Alice?"

"Yes?"

"That's only four hours." Bella moaned.

"Yes, four whole hours….maybe I should make it three…..four is a long time." Alice said moving the clock back an hour.

"Edward…." Bella moaned looking at him for help.

"I've got it." Edward said switching the clock from 3 to 5.

"We only get to sleep till five?" Bella asked sadly.

"Hey, that's a long time, it's five whole hours." Edward butted in. Bella wasn't buying it.

"Fine, six thirty but that's as far as were going."

"Fine."

"Now everyone get to sleep." Alice said as she placed four pillows on the ground beside each other.

"Hey, wait a second." Edward said stopping her.

"What is it now Edward, your cutting into our sleep time." Bella yawned angrily

"Bella is not sleeping with the dogs!!!" Edward yelled putting his foot down.

"Come on Edward, there just sleeping, it's not like there going to do anything." Alice butted in.

"I don't believe that, now come on Bella your sleeping inside." Edward said pulling her by the arm.

"Edward you don' even have a bed." Bella moaned.

"The floor is very comfortable." Edward answered.

"Edward leave her outside I can't do anything anyway…I'm a married man remember." Jake butted in.

"Fine, but if you put so much as one finger on her I swear I'll-" Edward started.

"Well what if she wants me to?" Jake asked.

"Bella wouldn't want a dirty mongrel like you touching her." Edward muttered.

"Edward, I can speak for myself." Bella butted in.

"Ok honey, what were you going to say?" Edward asked.

"I'm sleeping with Seth!!" Bella yelled…she was tired of all the drama….and just tired in general.

"Huh?" Both Jake and Edward asked.

"Look, there talking at the same time again….."

"I'm tired of everyone yelling and all of you fighting so I'm sleeping with Seth." Bella muttered.

"Um…..ok."

"Well that works." Alice muttered. "Now come on everyone, let's go inside and think of something we can do for six hours." Alice lead the way and everyone followed her.

"Oh, I have an idea." Emmett said coming out of no where.

"What?" Alice asked nervously.

"Let's play hide and seek!!!" Emmett yelled. Everyone looked at him like he was insane.

"Come on guys, it'll be fun." Emmett reasoned. No one answered for ten minutes.

"Alright…..but there are some rules." Esme finally answered.

"Wait, honey your agreeing to this?" Carlisle asked.

"Yah, why not, it'll be fun….but we do have to set up some rules first." Esme answered.

"Like?"  
"Like everyone must hide in the house…not in other states….Jasper….no dressing up like other people so we think they have to count….Alice….no hiding in places you think you can fit in but are actually impossible………Emmett…..And finally no breaking the furniture……again Emmett." Esme said. "Do you agree?"

"Hey, how come I was yelled at for two things?" Emmett asked.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Just because, now come on let's start…Not it!!" Esme yelled.

"Not it!!" Everyone else yelled except for Edward and Emmett.

"How do we settle this?" Edward asked.

"Oh I know, let's do rock, paper, scissors." Emmett said putting out his hand.

"Ok, rock, paper, scissors, shoot." Edward mumbled. Emmett squirted him with a water gun.

"What the hell was that about?" Edward asked whipping his face.

"You said shoot."

"Idiot…" Edward mumbled.

"I'll settle this, my mother says to pick the very best one and you are it, n-o spells no y-e-s spells yes." Alice said waving her finger…..it pointed to Emmett.

"Yeah i get to count first, now come on everybody go hide." Emmett said tossing everyone out of the 'counting room'.

"Fine I'll go but Emmett if I see anything broken in this room when I get back-" Esme started.

"Oh would you just go!!!"

"Fine……"

**(Carlisle's POV)**

I couldn't believe I was about to play hide and seek, where the hell was I even suppose to hide?

Think Carlisle, think you're a smart man, you can think of something. Let's see….oh I know I'll hide under Rose and Emmett's bed. Edward will never think to look there…..now just to get under there, ewe I just touched something…..what the hell was that?

I looked up for a second to see what was in my hand…..Blood flavored condoms? Ewe…why the hell do they even need….oh you know what….not even going to think about it.

Now where to hide? Hum…..oh somewhere in my office….now that's a good idea. I thought as I quietly crept threw my office door.

Now where? Under the desk…no too obvious….under the carpet….now that's an idea.

I slowly lifted the carpet up off the floor and slid under it. Ha, ha…..Edward will never look under a carpet I'm going to win for sure….ewe dust bunny….well better dust bunny then condom right?

Little did Carlisle know that being under a carpet produced a whether large obvious lump on the floor………

**(Alice POV) **

Where can I possibly hide? Alice thought looking around her room…..behind the door was way to obvious…..even for Emmett.

There were way too many shoes under the bed to hide there and everyone would suspect her to be in the closet…..she had to think of somewhere no one would think to look….but where?

She decided to go in another room…she would have hid in the living room but that was Emmett's 'counting room' so she went in search of somewhere else….Edward's room had no where to hide……stupid virgin didn't even have a bed she could hide under…but he did have a closet….that could work but being surrounded by ugly sweaters would freak her out way too much…..where else in the house could she go? Emmett's toy box. Perfect idea!!!

She opened it up and was about to jump in only saddened to find Jasper already there.

"Get your own hiding place woman." He whispered angrily shutting the door.

"Fine." She whispered back going into the next room…..there had to be somewhere she could hide in the kitchen but where? That's when she thought of it……on top of the fan…..too bad it wouldn't hold her weight……..oh Esme was going to kill her.

**(Esme's POV) **

I was hiding in the pantry when I heard a strange breaking noise…..I peaked my head out a tiny bit only to find Alice collapsed on the ground with my beautiful ceiling fan on top of her….it's not like we used it but still it was so pretty and Alice had ripped it out of it's socket……poor, poor baby…..now I know how Edward felt about his car………….Alice was so dead.

**(Edwards POV) **

I was trying to hide but I was way too worried about Bella sleeping with the wolf…..I decided to just screw this game and go outside……….

**(Emmett's POV) **

"One, three, seven, grape juice, squirrel, pickles, nine, Edward, dog, pumpkins, purple, yellow, ice cream, E, F, Q, red, frog, doll, book, toy, 20." I counted, I was such an awesome counter I could count to fifty…….yup that's just how good I was at the alphabet "Ready or not hear I come."

"Oh boy this is going to be so much fun!!!" I screamed as I skipped wilily into the kitchen.

Now where to look? I thought. Alice was small she could probably fit anywhere. I thought as I opened all the kitchen drawers.

"Nope…no Alice in that one." I said as I took all the forks spoons and knifes out and knocked them onto the floor….I could hear a low moaning noise from the pantry…..I wonder what that was…….I decided not to look. I mean who would hide in a pantry? No one can fit in there….it's way more logical to hide in a drawer.

Speaking of drawers I wonder if anyone was hiding in any drawers in any other rooms?

I searched Edward's drawers next…. "Let's see, under wear, under wear, under wear." I said as I tossed it all onto the floor. God is that all he kept in there? Boring………

"What's this?" I asked myself as I reached the bottom of the drawer and pulled out a tape. It was labeled, 'Bella moments' I decided to put it into the TV….after all it wasn't like anyone was waiting for me or anything.

**(Jasper's POV) **

Damn what the hell was taking Emmett so long? I had been hiding in this toy box for almost twenty minutes and it was getting very uncomfortable.

No one knows how hard plastic really is until you're sitting in a toy box with a super man action figure wedged up your ass.

**(Back to Emmett) **

I put the tape in the TV and you'll never believe what I saw….it was a whole tape of Bella in the shower, and getting dressed and undressed....I bet she thought no one was watching. Oh my God Edward is such a perv….I can't wait till everyone finds out about this….especially Bella. She's going to be so pissed.

I put the tape in my pocket and kept on walking….No one was in his drawers…..that sounded wrong…….

Anyway back to looking….Next I went in Carlisle's home office….I wondered if he was in there.

"Carlisle I'm going to find you." I whispered looking around….I didn't see anything but I heard a cough so I walked in.

I kept walking until I tripped over a lump in the rug….the rug yelled and told me to get the hell off.

"Oh…sorry rug….hey wait…you can talk?" I asked.

"No idiot…I'm not the rug it's me Carlisle." The rug said.

"Carlisle you got turned into a rug by magical wizards didn't you? Don't worry I'll find help Harry Potter will never hurt you again."

**(Third person)**

"Harry Potter? What the hell? I was hiding in the rug genus." Carlisle yelled getting out.

"Oh…that makes a lot more sense….I knew you didn't offend Harry Potter, you would never do that." Emmett sighed in relief.

"Emmett has anyone ever told you you're an idiot?"

"Yah…..tons of people."

"Well add me to that list."

"There's a list? Are all of you planning to fight against me or something? Carlisle I can not believe your part of this." Emmett barked.

"Fight you? Oh you know what never mind, let's go find everyone else……." Carlisle said going into the next room………….

**Authors note: So now there playing hide and seek tell me is it funny or stupid?** **Or both? **


	21. Life size cany land, flying,and eye spy?

**Authors note:** **Hey guys I'd just like to say thanks a bunch for reading love you all (= Please review, it doesn't take that long, all you have to do is put like two words, even one. Reviews make me happy and if you really do love this story you'd review (=**

After about twenty minutes everyone had come out of there hiding places because well…..Jasper's butt hurt from sitting in a toy box, Esme had to go yell at people for breaking things, Rose couldn't go more then ten minutes without looking in the mirror, Alice had to fix the fan, and Emmett and Carlisle had given up looking for everyone and went to watch TV.

"So what should we do now?" Emmett asked when everyone came into the room.

"I don't know…..where's Edward?" Alice asked.

"Um…I don't know…..maybe he's still hiding……………………………"

**(Mean while) **

Edward was outside looking for Bella…it was really dark out so he couldn't see who was who all that well.

He saw one figure with long hair all alone. Figuring that Bella had went to sleep all by herself he went over to lie down beside the blurred figure.

"Have a nice sleep?" He asked.

"Huh?"

"Bella you're awfully warm tonight." Edward muttered rapping his arms around her.

"Edward?"

"Yes babe?"

"I'm……over hear." Bella said getting up.

"But if your over there then who is….OH my God Jacob!!!!!" Edward yelled getting up.

**(Back to everyone else) **

"So does anyone have any idea what we can do now….we still have five and a half hours." Alice said.

"Oh I know!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Oh God, what?" Jasper asked……they had already played hide and seek, and truth or dare……how much stupider could anything else he could possibly think of be?

"LET'S PLAY CANDY LAND!!!!" Emmett screamed.

"N-" Carlisle started. He was cut off by the squeaking of Alice.

"Ok!!!" Alice yelled getting the game box.... "Can we play the life size version?" Alice asked getting out the biggest game box ever in the history of the world.

"Where the hell do you keep that thing?" Rose asked.

"In the closet………"

"Hey the gay game is in the closet….funny." Jasper said.  
"Jasper do not make fun of candy land!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Sorry candy land….."

"Ok, now let's play everyone get's to be a character." Alice said taking out costumes. She handed Rose the Princess frosting outfit. Which basically made her look like an ice princess. It was a blue and white dress with matching wig an ice crystal crown, jeweled snow flake ceptor, and even ice skates.

"Oh joy." Rose said looking at her costume.

"Oh would you just put it on?" Alice said tossing Carlisle his outfit. "Oh Carlisle this is perfect."

Carlisle looked down at his costume in utter confusion. "What is it?" He asked.

"Not what, who. Your king Candy." Alice said putting the crown on his head. His costume was of a king with a jelly bean necklace and matching Jelly bean shoe, it was all purple and he also had a ceptor….but his was made of ice cream, peppermint and gum drops.

"Oh I want to be Mr. Mint. Please Alice can I be Mr. Mint?" Emmett asked.

Mr. Mint was basically a clown and a lumber jack mixed together.

"Sure." Alice said tossing hi the costume. He immediately put on the lumber jack hat and the clown nose.

"What costume do I get?" Esme asked.

"Um…oh I know you can be grandma nut." Alice said handing Esme her costume.

"Are you calling me nuts or something?" Esme asked.

"No, that's just your characters name." Alice said handing her the accessories…..which were a bonnet and a basket full of nuts.

"Are you serious?" Esme asked.

"Um hum…now put that think on your head." Alice yelled as she searched threw the box for an appropriate costume for Jasper……. "Oh Jasper, you can be Lord Lickerish." Alice said handing him his outfit. He was kind of excited to have the title lord in his name…..until he saw his costume.

"Alice this is no way in hell I'm wearing this." Jasper said pointing to his lickerish mustache.

"Wow…and I thought I had it bad." Carlisle laughed.

"Yah, even my hat's less funny looking then that feather thing." Esme joked. "He looks like Yankee doodle.

"Jasper are you going to cal your feather macaroni?" Emmett asked. Everyone looked confused. "You know the song, Yankee Doodle went to town riding on his pony, stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni." Emmett sang. Everyone was now holding there ears shut…..Emmett's sang like a dying seal.

"Oh you people just don't know good singing." Emmett said taking out his candy axe.

"What are you going to do hit me with that…ooh I'm so scared." Jasper joked.

"Hey at least I have an axe, all you have is that stupid whip made of lickerish." Emmett yelled.

They started smacking each other with there candy weapons. "Stop guys, you're going to break those." Alice said getting in between them….they both stopped and started laughing uncontrollably when they saw what she was wearing.

"Why….the….hell……do…..you…have…..a….wig….made….of lollypops…on…you're….ha, ha, ha, head?" Emmett managed to ask in between spasms of laughter.

"Because, I'm Lolly." Alice said doing a little spin to show off her yellow lollypop covered dress.

"You look ridiculous." Emmett muttered.

"Says the one with the clown nose." Alice said squeezing it.

"Actually I think it suites her well…very pixy like." Esme said.

"Thank you Esme."

"Hey that's coming from the nut." Emmett argued.

"I am not a nut!!!" Esme yelled…she was getting paranoid.

"Have you seen your costume?" Emmett asked.

"Alice can I ear something else?" Esme asked.

"Um……I guess….you can be Jolly." Alice said.

"Who's Jolly?" Esme asked.

"He's a little green trollish monster." Alice said.

"No…I'll just stick with the nut." Esme said…little green monster was much worse then nut job.

"Ok guys…now that everyone's dressed let's play!!!" Alice yelled setting up the game board which covered the entire first floor.

"Alice is that actual lava?" Esme asked.

"Don't worry Esme…..it's just chocolate."

"Chocolate!!!! On my floor!!!!!" Esme yelled.

"Yah…but don't worry….."

"Don't worry?!?!?! Don't worry that the white carpet is now covered in chocolate?!?!?!"

Alice needed a distraction before Esme got any worse….. "Hear Esme you can go first." Alice said handing her the giant stack of cards.

"Ooh double yellow." Esme said looking at her card. She started to walk forward.

"No, no Esme you have to hop." Alice said hopping up and down.

Esme did and the basket of peanuts started spilling everywhere. "Oh no." She said picking them up.

"Come on guys let's pass her while we have the chance." Emmett said asking a card. "Orange." Emmett said moving to the space on the card. "Oh yah I'm going to beat you all." Emmett yelled.

"Um actually Emmett…you only moved up one space….Esme's six ahead of you." Jasper pointed out.

"Oh shut up lord loser and for you information she's only apple sauce ahead of me not six." Emmett said.

"Apple sauce?"

"That's how Emmett counts……"

"……Oh……"

"Are you trying to say I don't know my alphabet?" Emmett asked.

"Alphabet?"

"……Just let it go……."

"My turn." Alice said changing the subject. "Ooh double purple."

Alice hopped her way to double purple but tripped over a peanut and feel in the chocolate fountain.

"OMG ewe, ewe, ewe!!!!!" Alice screamed. She was covered in chocolate from head to toe.

"Ooh chocolate covered lolly poops." Emmett said taking one of Alice's lollypops off her head.

"Emmett lollypops, not lolly poops." Jasper said.

"Oh whatever."

"I have to go change!!!!!" Alice yelled running upstairs.

"So…what should we do now?" Jasper asked.

"Ooh let's play eye spy!!!" Emmett yelled bouncing up and down….he loved that game.

"Ok…I'll go first. I spy something-" Jasper started.

"No Jazz, you have to say it right, it's I spy with my little eye!!! Not just I spy!!!!"

"Ok fine…I spy with my little eye something that starts with a p." Jasper said.

"Ooh ok….pumpkin." Emmett said.

"Emmett where do you see any pumpkins in this room?" Jazz asked.

"….No where…..hey your only suppose to say something you see in this room…Jazz you can't say pumpkin if there's no pumpkin." Emmett said.

"I didn't say pumpkin, you said pumpkin." Jasper said.

"You just said it…"

"Oh whatever, will you just guess again?" Jasper said.

"Ok…what letter did it start with again?" Emmett asked.

"P."

"Pee? Ewe potty mind."

"Not pee, p as in the letter." Jasper explained.

"Oh you mean the number p."

"Number?"

"Yah, don't you know your numbers?" Emmett asked.

"Yes…but I don't know your numbers."

"Oh you mean my phone number? I thought you had that already. First it's the button that looks like a line then the circle with the stick on it then the double circle." Emmett started.

"Do you mean 1, 9, and 8?"

"Jasper how many times do I have to tell you I don't speak Spanish?" Emmett asked.

"….That was English."

"No it wasn't."

"Yes it was."

"NO IT WASN'T!!!"

"YES IT- oh it doesn't really matter can you just guess already." Jasper said.

"Um ok……is it a……um…..picture?" Emmett asked.

"Close."

"Oh is it that statue next to the picture?"

"When I said close I didn't mean next to the object you just guessed."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I meant something that's like a picture that starts with p."

"Oh…..pillow?"

"How the hell is a picture like a pillow?"

"I don't know…you said picture…."

"It's a poster ok, I spied a poster!!!"

"Jasper……"

"huh." Jasper sighed. "I spied with my little eye a poster…better?"

"Thank you….."

"Who's turn is it now?" Jazz asked.

"Well no one guessed so I guess you can go again…."

"Shit." Jazz whispered…he had to find a way to get out of this….. "I'm sure Carlisle would like to go a whole lot more."

"No he wouldn't." Carlisle said…. "This is boring anyway, let's do something else." Carlisle said getting himself out of it…..he didn't want to have to deal with Emmett.

"Ok…..oh I know let's try to fly." Emmett said running outside.

"Oh god." Rose muttered. "Remember what happened last time?"

Before anyone could even think back to the last time Emmett tried to fly they heard a loud crashing sound.

"Oh damn did he land in the rose bush again?" Carlsile asked looking out the window.

"Not my rose bush." Esme screamed opening the hall closet.

"Esme what are you doing?" Carlisle asked.

"Getting the shovel."

"Why?"

"Oh you'll see." She ran outside and the next thing everyone heard was….

"Ouch stop it Esme that's my head!!! Damn it that hurts!!!! I think I have dent marks!!!! Please stop hitting me I didn't mean to crash into the Rose bush!!!!!!!!"

"Oh…poor Emmett….you think he would have figured out he couldn't fly after the sixteenth time."

"Actually in Emmett's numbers I think it's pudding."

"Whatever………"

"Hey Alice did you ever fix that fan?" Carlisle asked changing the subject.

"Oh God…..I never did." Alice whispered to herself.

"Well you better get to that cause Esme's on a roll." Before Alice could get up and do that Esme came into the room.

"Alice you are going to Home Depot to buy me a new ceiling fan!!!" Esme yelled.

"HOME DEPOT?!?!?!? THAT PLACE IS WORSE THEN EFFIN WAL-MART!!!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Hey you break it you buy a new one."

"But…it's two am….."

"Don't worry, I'm sure there's a twenty four hour one."

"Oh God…….this has to be the longest six hours ever……" Alice muttered.

**Authors note: Wow, Life size Candy land, eye spy, and "flying" the Cullen's sure know how to kill time lol…what shall they do next? Any idea's? **


	22. build a depot workshop

**Authors note: So the Cullen's still have time to kill…what on earth shall happen…idk…anyways for all you people who actually read these authors not things I'd just like to say I have a new poll up if you guys want vote in it. It's called who's you fav twilight guy besides Edward or Jake….I'd like to see what you guys say so go vote (= Oh yah read this first but then go vote LOL **

"Hey while Alice is at Home Depot want to go to Build a bear?" Emmett asked Jasper.

"Why?" Jasper asked confused.

"Because…Bella took Boggie bear before I went to the library and I can't sleep with out my stuffed friends."

"Emmett…you don't sleep." Jasper argued.

"Fine, I'll tell you the truth!!! I have no one else to talk to!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Wow…well ok then I guess we can go." Jasper said getting his jacket.

"You're a vampire why do you need a jacket?"

"Do I question you about your stuffed animals?" Jasper asked.

"Yes…."

"Oh whatever let's just go."

"Yeah stuffed animals this is going to be so much fun." Emmett skipped.

"Emmett we're in public could you please not do that?" Jasper asked.

"Jasper are you embarrassed of me?" Emmett asked.

"Yes."

"Mean."

"Sometimes the truth hurts."

"I'll hurt you."

"Oh would you just get in the car?" Jasper was getting annoyed….hum him alone with Emmett in a stuffed animal shop….this was not going to be good.

**********************************

**(Mean while) **

Esme was driving crazily down the highway, she had to find a 24hour Home Depot and the closest one was about three hours away….though at the speed Esme was driving it would only take around fifteen minutes.

Alice was scared to death in the back seat…..she tried to jump out on the high way but Rose held her back……Rose really didn't want to be stuck at a stuffed animal shop with her crazed husband so she decided to take her chances with Alice, Esme, and Home Depot……..

"Alice how many times do I have to tell you, you are not jumping out the window it's just Home Depot, you can do this." Rose encouraged her.

"I'm only going in there if you're going in with me!!!!" Alice yelled…she knew if she went in there by herself she would just run right out…

"Fine……"

*******************************

**(Back to Em and Jazz)**

When they reached build a bear work shop Emmett ran in like a sissy little girl. "Yeah were hear, we're finally hear I'm going to get bears for everyone!!!!" Emmett skipped down the hall…you do not know how odd this looked.

Jasper was going to follow him but when he heard a little girl say, "Mommy the big man is scary let's report him." He decided that it was probably better to stay out of it, look the other way, and pretend he didn't know him.

He whistled off into space and it was working pretty well until Emmett yelled, "Oh Jazzy poo get your butt over hear!!!!" And started pointing, waving, and jumping up and down so hard the ground shook.

"I'm coming." Jazz moaned slowly approaching Emmett, at least they were so far out of town no one knew them………

"Jazz which one should I get?" Emmett asked going over to the huge buckets of stuffed animals…..there were over 90 choices……they were going to be hear a while…………………

*******************************

**(Alice, Rose, and Esme)**

"Come on bitch get your ass out of the car!!!!" Esme yelled dragging Alice by the ankles……who knew she could be so violent?

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!! I change my mind, I can't go in there, I'm gonna die!!!!!!!" Alice whined digging her nails into the ground, she was making a horrible screeching noise like a cat sharpening it's nails on a chalk board…….She was causing a terrible scene…………..

Everyone in the parking lot was staring at her whispering things like, "Nut job" and "They could make good money if they did this in a kiddy pool full of mud".

Rose was just standing on the side lines, dabbing on lip gloss, not really paying much attention to the fight.

"Alice get the hell up your causing a fucking scene." Esme yelled.

"Since when do you curse Esme?" Rose asked finally looking up.

"Since today now help me get her up would you?" Esme asked…she was still dragging Alice by the ankle….at least now they were almost at the door.  
Rose helped immediately…..she was a little afraid to disobey Esme at this point…………

**********************************

**(Edward and Carlisle) **

What were Edward and Carlisle doing at a time like this you ask? Well car shopping of course……..

"Excuse me sir, do you have this in silver?" Edward asked the car sales man pointing to the Volvo.

"No….we don't sell silver anymore." The sales man said.

"Well why not?" Edward asked confused.

"It was just so boring, no one really liked it….you know just too dull." The guy explained.

"Too dull….but that was my favorite color." Edward wined.

"Oh….I should have guessed that by your outfit I mean the colors are so boring." The man said…..this was not the best attitude to have if you wanted to sell cars but I guess they put the crappy guy out after 1am…..

"Excuse me?" Edward asked astonished by this mans attitude.

"You heard me Mr. Boring pants……your just dull that's why you like silver so much….in fact you look so dull I bet your girlfriend isn't even hot…that is if you even have a girlfriend…….."

Oh man this dude was getting himself into all kinds of trouble……………………….

**********************************

**(Em and Jazz yet again)**

"Jazz should I get the pink bear with the blue poke-a-dots or the red dog with the purple circle around it's eye?' Emmett asked.

"Um personally I think the dog is friendlier looking…the bear looks more like it would stab you while your sleeping." Jasper said.

"Yah….maybe I should go with the penguin then." Emmett muttered.

"Yah, it's already cold so it will adapt to our tempter well- what the hell am I saying?" Emmett was making Jasper completely lose it……..

"It's ok Jazz, this is good….your finally joining our side." Emmett said talking for the penguin.

"No!!!! I can't I don't want to!!!!!" Jasper yelled…….gosh first Alice causing a scene and now Jazz…….and he was worried about Emmett………………………………………

****************************************

**(Home Depot) **

Esme had finally gotten Alice inside Home Depot after countless minutes of dragging her and the time she spent stuck in the revolving door….now that was a sight to see……poor Alice will probably have door marks on her head for the rest of eternity……and as if this wasn't bad enough Esme was taping it all…..hopefully this was a lesson though….never ever, ever, break Esme's furniture or she'll hurt you.

At first Alice thought Emmett getting hit with the shovel was pretty harsh but after she saw what she was being dragged into…literally…she really wished she had been so lucky as to just get hit by a shovel…………………………………

"Well Alice I'll be back, Rose I'm leaving you in charge, make sure she gets that fan."

"Where are you going?" Alice asked.

"I'm going to go read a novel….you should be done by the time I'm finished." Esme said.

"So we have to stay here until your finished reading?" Alice asked.

"Yup…..and I'm going to read it at human speed."

"How many pages?"

"3000….." Esme replied.

"You suck."

*****************************************

**(Eddiekins) **

"Excuse me you can't talk, you don't know me and for your information my girlfriend is extremely hot!!" Edward yelled at the car sales man.

"Sure, sure."

"Oh god your one of those." Edward moaned.

"One of those what?"

"One of those idiots who likes to say sure, sure, that is the absolute stupidest slogan in the world!!!!" Edward yelled. "God first Jacob and now this dumb ass."

"Hey…did you say Jacob? You know Jake…Jacob Black?" The man asked.

"Yah……"

"Hey I know who you are, your that Edward dude….I'm Jake's cousin." The man said.

"Oh so he fixes cars and you sell them…how nice." Edward muttered.

"Yah…he talks about you, he said you're a jerk….I see what he means." The guy muttered.

"Look sir, I don't care what you know about me, I just need a new car."

"Well what happened to your gay Volvo?"

"My gay Volvo was La pushed off a cliff….hey my Volvo is not gay!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Whatever, listen dude I'll sell you a car but do you really want a gay one?" The man asked.

"Listen….dude….I just want a Silver Volvo….that's what I came hear for if you can't give it to me then I'm leaving." Edward said as he started to walk out.

"Wait…I can't get you the Volvo but I do have the next best thing….."

**************************************************

**(Build-a-bear)**

"Come on Jazz will you just help me pick." Emmett said trying to get Jasper to come out of the corner…..he was having a mental breakdown.

"No!!!!" Jazz yelled as he threw globs of stuffing at Emmett.

"Jasper Edward Hale quit it your making a scene." Emmett said lifting Jasper off the floor.

"Edward?"

"I couldn't think of your middle name……"

"Well it sure as hell isn't Edward!!!!"

"Yah, yah, yah, get up and help me look for a stuffed animal, we can worry about names later."

"I can't……."

"Why not?"

"It will emasculate me!!!!"

"No it won't!!!"

"Yes it will!!!!"

"Look, I buy stuffed animals and I'm still a man." Emmett reasoned.

" Fine….."

"Yeah, now come on, we'll buy you one too." Emmett said pulling him back over to the bins.

******************************************

**(Alice and Rose)**

"Alice will you get your head out of the paint bucket, I swear no one hear will see you." Rose said removing the orange bucket from Alice's head.

"I don't care if people see me, I just don't want to see them….or this whole building….all it is, is a bunch of grey and orange….and there isn't even a ceiling, and there are big boxes everywhere, its so ugly. Everyone who works hear has to wear an orange apron; I don't even know why the need that…I mean it's not like there cooking….."

"Alice would you stop complaining, the faster we find the fan the quicker we'll get out of hear." Rose said….she was getting tired of Alice's constant bickering….I mean sure everything was orange…..and the ceiling and floor were unfinished….and the workers were a little scary looking…but it could be worse.

"Where do you think it is?" Alice asked looking down the isles.

"Um…I don't know….we could ask the workers." Rose said going over to one of the men in orange.

"Your…going to…..talk to them?" Alice asked in astonishment.

"Um duh…..how else are we going to find it?"

"But….aren't you afraid?" Alice asked.

"Afraid of what?"

"Of catching bad taste."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes….."

"Your insane." Rose sighed.

"Whatever……."

*************************************************

**(Edward)**

"Well what's the next best thing?" Edward asked coming back into the building.

"Um….well you like the Volvo…and you're sort of into plain and simple…..old fashioned kind of type…I think I have the perfect thing for you." The guy said going into the back room.

"Can I come see it?" Edward asked.

"Um…I'll drive it out but don't worry dude, I'm sure your gonna love it."

"Ok dude." Carlisle yelled as he walked off.

"Dude?" Edward asked.

"Well….he said it………"

When the man came back he was driving in none other then 86 station wagon.

"What. The. Hell?" Edward asked making each word a sentence….just like Rose did…..

"Dude…it's classy, it's silver, and is a Rolls Royce." The man offered.

"But…it's a station wagon….."

"So what, you were driving a Volvo there's not much of a difference."

*************************************

**(Jazz and Em) **

"Ok so Jazz, if your getting a bear, and I'm getting a bear then I think we should get everyone a bear….we could make them look like them and everything." Emmett suggested.

For Jasper this was actually a good idea….now he wouldn't be singled out for having a stuffed animal. "Ok." Jazz agreed.

"Yeah, this is going to be so much fun…..I want to make me first." Emmett said looking at the bears for a similar match.

"Jazz what kind of animal do you think I look more like, the teddy bear or the bunny?" Emmett asked.

"Neither…I think the gorilla is an exact match."

"Ok." Emmett said taking the gorilla **(Picture on profile) **

"Now what outfit should I get for him?" Emmett asked.

"Um….how about the foot ball uniform." Jazz offered.

"Yah that's cute." Emmett said picking up a red and black foot ball uniform with matching stuffed foot ball. **(Also on profile)**

"Jasper."

"Yes?"

"Do you think this bear is a boxer or a briefs kinda guy?" Emmett asked….well this was getting weird.

"Um…well…..just go with boxer-briefs then you don't have to worry." Jasper said….can we say crazy?

"Jazz?"

"Yah?"

"Do you think they need food?" Emmett asked...

"Um…yah, and don't forget about the cell phones." Looks like Jasper was really getting into this.

"What colors should we get?" Emmett asked.

"Um…well maybe we should get the rest of the family first." Jasper said.

"Ok, next let's make you…I say we go emo."

"I am not emo!!!!" Jasper argued.

"Whatever……."

******************************************

**(Alicey) **

"Alice, would you get the hell off my leg, I'm going to ask the workers and your not going to stop me!!!" Rose yelled trying to prey Alice off of her leg. She was acting like a little kid who didn't want to go to preschool.

"No…I can't let you go over there!!!" Alice yelled.

"And why not?"

"Cause your going to die!!!!"

"Alice you do know you're touching the floor." Rose muttered.

"EWE!!!!!" Alice yelled getting up…well at least that got her off Rose's leg.

"Works every time." Rose mumbled going over to the workers…Alice watched from a distance…

"Excuse would either of you happen to know where the ceiling fans are?" Rose asked…..both guys were staring at her practically drooling……I guess there weren't too many pretty girls in there line of work.

"Well are you going to tell me or are you just going to stand there like idiots?" Rose asked….they couldn't speak…they were encapsulated by her beauty.

"Uhhh…….."

"Oh whatever, I'll just find it by myself." Rose sighed…..gosh it was so hard to be pretty…….

"Come on Alice, I guess we'll have to look ourselves….these bone heads aren't any help."

****************************

**(Carlisle and Ed) **

"I don't care what the hell you say I am not buying a station wagon!!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Whoa…chill man, seriously just like think about it." Jake's cousin said.

"I said classy not classic!!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Well…this car's both."

"Will it change your mind of I let you take it out for a spin?"

"Um….I don't know….maybe……" Edward said as he took the keys and got into the car.

Edward took a short drive around the parking lot and came back…..it had nice air conditioning…and lots of room, it was silver, and it drove well but he didn't want to buy a car that was so old, it would be like going to a sports car shop and buying Bella's rusty old pickup.

"So dude did you like it?" Jake's cousin asked.

"Um…I don't know…it's so old fashioned."

"But aren't you like old fashioned?"

"You must not sell very many cars with that attitude….."

"Well….not very many people look for cars at two am…."

"He is right Edward." Carlisle butted in.

"Yah I am…now look, you drove it so you have to buy it."

"You never told me that!!!"

"Well actually man I just did…………………………………."

*********************************

**(Alice and Rose)**

"I told you not to go ask the workers." Alice muttered in a 'I told you so' kind of voice.

"Yah, yah, yah, just shut up and let's look for this damn thing." Rose said going down an isle……Alice quickly followed….there was no way she was getting lost in Home Depot.

The first isle they went down was one of light toilets…. "Well I don't think it's going to be over hear." Rose said looking around.

"Ewe this place is so weird who would ever buy there toilet hear?" Alice asked.

"Alice."

"Yes?"

"We brought our toilet hear….." Rose said.

"We did?" Alice asked in astonishment….. "Well no wonder why I never use that thing."

"I will say this for the fourth time in an hour you're insane." Rose mumbled.

"Yah, yah, I heard it the first four times…..now where do you think the- OH MY GOD EWE!!!" Alice yelled.

"Um…well Alice I don't think they sell 'ewes' hear."

"Ewes? No I'm talking about that, look over there." Alice said moving Rose's head so she could see what she saw.

There was a person actually using one of the display toilets…. "Alice I'm sure it's just a statue." Rose muttered looking away.

"Oh yah then go poke it." Alice said.

"Why the hell should I do that?"

"To see if it'll move, now come on go do it." Alice said pushing her over there……sure enough it was a real person.

"Can't you see I'm busy hear?!??!?! God some people just don't respect privacy." The person said picking up a newspaper.

"Well that was disturbingly weird." Rose said walking into the next isle.

"I told you this store was creepy…." Alice moaned hiding behind her.

****************************

**(Jazzy poo and Emmy too) **

"Emmett for the last time I do not dress like an emo freak!!! And I do not wear guy liner!!!!" Jasper yelled.

"Well then what kind of animal do you consider yourself?" Emmett asked.

"Something cool like maybe a cheetah." Jasper said.

"Panda it is!!" Emmett said getting a panda bear out of the bin.

"Did you jot just hear me?"

"Yah, yah, something about you being a cheater." Emmett moaned not really paying him much attention.

"Not a cheater a cheetah!!!"

"Whatever, you can try to see it all cool but it's the same thing…you know you look like a panda."

"How do I look like a panda?" Jasper asked.

"Well panda's are white….your white…they have black around there eyes, you put black emo makeup around your eyes…….there vegetarian, we're vegetarian." Emmett said as he started listing things.

"I do not were makeup!!!!" Jasper yelled.

"Oh yah then what is this?" Emmett yelled whipping Jasper's eye with his finger.

"I don't see anything…and was it really necessary to poke my eye out?" Jasper asked.

"I was just trying to prove a point….and look put this wig on it and it looks just like you." Emmett said placing a blond wig on the bears head.

"Well….we do have our similarities……"

"Yeah!!! I was finally right for once!!!!!" Emmett yelled…this was a big moment for him. "Now come on Jazz, let's look for the rest of the family."

************************

**(Edward) **

"For the last time I don't freakin care if I drove it I am not paying for that!!!" Edward yelled.

"Your choice dude….either you buy it or we report you for trying to steal a car."

"I wasn't trying to steal a car!!!!!"

"Last chance dude, I've got the cops on the phone."

"You can't arrest me for anything!!!!"

"Hello I'd like to repot a charge for a disturbance of the piece." Jake's cousin said….of course none other then the chief would be on the line at a time like this………….

**Authors note: Hey guys sorry for the wait but it's been a busy week…I had to go to two graduation parties, a birthday party and a sleep over….at least this is finally up…anyway I wonder what will happen now. Should Alice get the fan? Should Edward go to jail? Will Emmett ever finish stuffed animal shopping? It's up to you guys oh and don't forget to go on my profile and vote in the pole(=**


	23. Grand theft auto

**Authors note: Sorry it took me a while to post this guys…..my dog chewed up my computer cord…..well anyway I got it fixed now and we can get back to the story….oh yah btw the pictures that I said were on my profile are now on there…sorry about that too (= **

**(This parts going to be I Charlie's POV) **

I had just gotten a call from the car company down the street reporting a case of disturbing the piece. I got my jacket and got in the car….who the hell wants to rob a car at two am? This is so stupid, I'm never going to be able to get to sleep at this rate.

I was tired but I drove to the building and got out of the car. "Alright put your hands up, you're under arrest, blah, blah, blah, anything you do or say can and will be held against you in a court of- EDWARD?"

I was dumb stuck…..two Cullen boys in one night….why the hell did he need to steal a car? He was stinking rich!!!! Though what was I saying….I had been waiting for this day all my life…..or at least since the day Bella moved hear…….

"Hey Charlie." Carlisle started. "Do we really need to do this?" He asked trying to slip me money.

"Carlisle…trying to bribe an officer….I may have to put you away too."

**(Emmett POV) **

Jazz and I were trying to get bears for the rest of the family when I got a phone call….

"Hello?" I answered.

"Emmett, it's me Carlisle….I'm in jail……." WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?

"Your…..in……jail?" I asked.

"Yes…Edward and I got arrested." He answered.

"Who is it?" Jasper asked. "What's going on?"

"Carlisle and Edward got arrested." I answered him laughing.

"I told you, you should have called someone else!!" Edward hissed in the background.

"Oh shut up Edward we wouldn't even be hear if you would have just brought that car!!" Carlisle yelled.

**(Jail) **

"Come this way Edward, we need to get your mug shot." Charlie snickered…..he was having so much fun.

"Do we really have to do this?" Edward mumbled….he did not know how he was going to explain this one to Bella…she was going to be pissed.

"Yes…now smile." Charlie said taking out the camera.

******************

"I can't believe you got me stuck in jail." Carlisle muttered.

"I can't believe you called Emmett of all people to bail us out!!" Edward yelled.

"Well who was I suppose to call? If I called Alice Esme would find out…the wolfs are asleep, if you called Bella she'd be pissed, Rose is with Alice, and Jasper's with Emmett!!!" Carlisle argued.

"Hey, no talking in jail!!!" Charlie yelled.

"That's not a rule!!!!" Edward yelled back.

"Excuse me, who's the cop hear? Do you want to be locked up longer?" Charlie asked.

"No, he'll shut up!!" Carlisle said covering Edward's mouth…they got into a slap fight…..

"Hey no fighting!!" Charlie said breaking them apart. "If you're going to act like this then I'm going to have to hand cuff you to opposite sides of the room!!"

"That's ridiculous!!' Edward argued…..He should really just shut up…he was getting himself into more and more trouble.

**(Home depot) **

Alice and Rose were still looking for the fan when Emmett burst threw the doors of Home Depot…and when I say burst I mean burst….he knocked over an old lady.

"Emmett what the hell are you doing hear?" Rose asked.

"It's an emergency!!!!" Emmett screamed. Everyone in hearing distance turned around.

"FIRE!!!!!" One of the people screamed.

"Not that big of an emergency people….don't worry, this only effects us." Emmett reassured them…it was too late….everyone was running outside.

"People I said there was no fire!!!" Emmett yelled running outside…the fire trucks were coming now…it was too late.

"Come on let's get out of hear before we end up in jail too." Jasper said as everyone started walking away from the scene.

"Wait…too? Who's in jail? What's going on?" Rose asked.

"Edward and Carlisle are in jail." Emmett said.

"Are you serious?" Rose asked starting to giggle.

"Yup…something about car theft." Jasper said.

Emmett started to giggle.

"What?" Jazz asked.

"Edward's joining grand theft auto."

"Wow…"

"What?"

"That wasn't funny."

"Oh whatever you just don't have a sense of humor." Emmet argued.

"Oh whatever, forget that, let's worry about what were going to do about this." Alice said.

"Um ok…someone needs to tell Esme…someone else needs to tell Bella and we also need someone to bail them out." Rose said.

"I'm not telling Esme!!!" Alice yelled.

"Ok fine…I'll tell Esme, you and Jazz can go to the bail bonds men and Emmett you can tell Bella." Rose said.

"Ok." Everyone else said.

**(Back at jail) **

"Charlie I can not believe you would hand cuff me to a toilet!!!" Edward yelled.

"Sorry Edward, I said opposite sides of the room and that's all that was over there." Charlie snickered…he so did that on purpose.

"Your complaining, I'm the one handcuffed to the top bunk of a bunk bed dangling to from the floor." Carlisle complained. "I can't believe you would do this Charlie…after all of done for you." Carlisle moaned.

"Ummmm…..I guess your kind of right." Charlie said taking the handcuffs off of Carlisle…..he came plummeting to the floor.

"Hey what about me? I should get out too!!!" Edward yelled shaking his cuffed arm so hard he broke the toilet…..nasty jail toilet water splattered all over his face. Charlie had to leave the room to keep from laughing hysterically.

**(To the woods behind the Cullen house)**

Bella was still asleep curled up next to Jake when Emmett got there….wait Jake? I thought she was next to Seth…..guess she moved when Edward left…….

"Bella, wake up!!!!" Emmett yelled shaking her.

"Hum…Jake...stop." She muttered.

"Not Jake, Emmett now get the hell up this is important!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Huh?" She asked slowly opening her eyes.

"I need to tell you something." Emmett said.

"This better be important." Bella muttered.

"It is!!" Emmett yelled….he woke Jake up.

"Emmett get out of hear." Jake muttered throwing a pillow at his head.

"This is no time for pillow fights I have something to say!!!" Emmett yelled.

"I'm sure you do, I bet Seth would love to hear it." Jake said pulling the covers over his head trying to block out Emmett's screams.

"Well fine…I won't tell you Edward's in jail then." Emmett muttered walking away.

Jake and Bella sprung up off the ground. "Emmett did you….just say….Edward's...in…Jail?" Bella asked.

"Yah, him and Carlisle." Bella looked stunned while Jake was bighting his lip in an attempt to hold back laughter.

"On the bright side…..I got you each teddy bears." Emmett said trying to lighten the mood. "I made Jacob's a dog cause…well you know…and Bella you get the deer cause you have big brown eyes like a deer and your weak like one too." Emmett said.

"Thanks Emmett…now why the hell is Edward in jail?!?!?!" Bella asked.

"Oh grand theft auto!!! And Carlisle tried to bribe the cops." Emmett answered.

"Grand theft auto?" Bella asked.

"Yah, he tried to steal cars." Emmett answered. "Oh and something about disturbing the piece."

"That doesn't sound like something Edward would do." Bella answered.

"Well yah but you wouldn't have thought that guy Ryan Jenkins on Megan wants Millionaire would have killed his wife either but he did." Emmett answered. "And that's too bad, I wanted to see the end of that show and now I never will." Emmett sighed.

"Yah me too, she was hot." Jake answered with a smirk. Bella glared at him. "Well…I mean if you like blonds or something….." Jake answered trying to fix his last sentence…it didn't really work…….

**(At the bail bonds men)**

"Damn it!!! This place is locked!!!" Alice yelled…..guess no one really had to bail people out at 3am…….

"What the hell are we going to do now?" Jazz asked.

"I don't know…..they might have to stay the night……" Alice said. "Well how bad can it be?"

**Authors note: Well that's it for now…..kind of short but had to cut it off some where hope it was still funny….don't worry though the next chapter should be up soon and it'll be longer (= **


	24. oh god now three of them are in the jail

**Authors note: So this is chapter 24…..wow this story has come a long way……cool LOL I actually never thought it would get this long but now that so many people love it I can't stop writing it so……I don't even think this story is half over yet (=**

**(Emmett, Bella, and Jake) **

Emmett and Jake were arguing over which celebrity was the hottest while Bella was trying to figure out what they were going to do.

"Dude I'm telling you Megan Foxx doesn't stand a chance, Britney Spears is way hotter." Emmett argued.

"Are you kidding? Britney Spears is like a psycho!!!" Jake yelled.

"Yes, and that's what keeps her hot." Emmett said.

"No way, Megan Foxx is way hotter, I mean perfect blue eyes, great body, she's not crazy and she's not a freaking mother like Britney is, once you're a mother you can't be hot." Jake argued.

"Oh yah, well what about Angelina Jolie?" Emmett pointed out.

"Oh yah….well still Megan Foxx, way hotter." Jake said.

"She's a bitch."

"So….that doesn't take away from her hotness."

"Yes it does!!!!"

"Well Britney Spears is crazy, that should take away from her hotness too!!!" Jake yelled.

"No, craziness adds to hotness, bitchiness takes away!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Oh yah, well what about your wife then!!"

"Oh you did not just go there!!!"

"Oh yes I did!!" At this point Jake and Emmett had gotten into the whole oh no you didn't snappy thing and they looked like complete gay idiots…….

"Guys would you stop!!! We have more important things to worry about!!!" Bella said getting in between them.

"Like what?" They asked in unison.

"Jake don't do that, I'm not Edward." Emmett said.

"Do what?" Jake asked confused.

"Talk at the same time as me…..it's creepy." Emmett muttered.

"Oh whatever…back to the point, how are we going to get Edward out of jail if the bail bonds men is closed?" Bella asked.

"Um…….we wait until it's open…." Emmett answered.

"What if he dies in there?" Bella asked as she started to cry.

"Bells don't worry…I'm pretty sure he won't die." Jacob said putting her head against his chest trying to comfort her.

"But Charlie's going to torture him." Bella mumbled, it was very muffled threw Jake's chest, if they weren't vamps and wolfs no one would have known what she said.

"Awe someone needs a hug." Emmett said grabbing Bella. "Do you feel better now?" He asked still hugging her. "Bella why aren't you answering me?" Emmett asked confused.

"Emmett let go of her, she can't breath your chocking her!!!" Jake yelled pulling Emmett's arms apart.

"Well that would explain the not answering…." Emmett muttered.

"You think?" Jake muttered sarcastically making sure Bella was ok.

"Well…did the hug make you feel Better?" Emmett asked.

"Um…well it made me forget about Edward for a second." Bella muttered. "Though that was only because my life was flashing before my eyes."

"Baby." Emmett mumbled.

***********************************

**(Rose and Esme)**

Rose was outside of the book store thinking about how exactly to put this…..coming strait out with it was probably best……

"Esme….." She started.

"Rose what are you doing hear? Did you get the fan? Where's Alice?" Esme asked.

"Um…no we didn't get the fan- YET….we will…..but I came hear….totellyouthatCarlisleandEdwardgotarrested." Rose blurt out….

"What. The. Hell?"

"Carlisle bribed a cop, and Edward tried to steal a car….." Rose said.

"O.M.G."

"Esme?"

"Yes?"

"Did you just break OMG into three sentences?" Rose asked.

"Yah….I think I did….I've been hanging out with you way too long."

"Hey that's not funny!!!" Rose yelled.

*********************************

**(Carlisle, Edward, Charlie) **

"Charlie can you please un handcuff me from this toilet?" Edward begged.

"Um……no." Charlie answered.

"Why not?" Edward moaned.

"Because I don't like you, when you left you made my daughters life hell, Jacob is better, and this is payback." Charlie said.

"Bastard." Edward mumbled.

"What was that?" Charlie asked.

"Nothing, he said…bathtub." Carlisle answered.

"Bathtub?" Charlie asked.

"Yah bathtub….cause you know he needs a bath." Carlisle said.

"Whatever……" Charlie muttered going back to his desk.

Just then Emmett came in. "Oh thank God, you came to bail us out." Edward was so happy.

"Well…actually the bail bonds men was closed…" Emmett said.

"Then why are you hear?" Edward asked.

"I came hear for three reasons, one to tell you that, two Bella wanted to make sure you were still alive…she would have come her self but she's sleeping with the dog." Emmett answered.

"Which dog? Seth right?" Edward asked.

"No…actually Jacob." Emmett said.

Charlie was laughing in the background…..Edward was not happy.

"Dude why the hell are you handcuffed to a toilet?" Emmett asked.

"Charlie…." Edward answered.

"Ha, ha, and I thought I had it bad." Emmett muttered.

"Well what's the third reason you came hear?" Edward asked changing the subject.

"Ummmmmm………oh yah I came hear to put on a show." Emmett said as he got out a blond wig from nowhere and put it on his head.

"Oh god." Carlisle muttered.

"Did Charlie pay you?" Edward asked.

"No……."Emmett said. "But on with the show….I will be singing Nobody's Perfect by Hannah Montana." Emmett announced.

Charlie laughed again…so that's why he let him in. "One, two, three, four, Everybody make's mistakes, everybody has those days, everybody knows what, what I'm talking bout." Emmett started singing.

"Nope…I have no idea what you're talking about." Edward muttered.

"I'm surprised he said one, two, three, four and not, grape juice, apple sauce, pudding, chocolate." Carlisle said.

"Sometimes I'm in a jam, I've gotta make a plan, it might be crazy. I do it anyway." Emmett sang.

"Yup…this is pretty crazy alright." Carlisle moaned…Emmett's singing was atrocious…….Did I mention he was also dancing…..it was scary beyond believe….scared for life kind of scary.

"Sometimes I work a scheme but then it flips on me, doesn't turn out how I plan, get stuck in quick sand." Emmett sang.

"I like to push you in some quick sand." Edward muttered.

"Edward making threats keeps you in jail even longer." Charlie snickered.

"Did I say quick sand, I meant fluffy pillows……"

"Your bail just keeps getting higher and higher." Charlie laughed.

"But me intentions are good, yah, yah, yah, some times just misunderstood." Emmett sang.

"You're not misunderstood, you truly are an idiot." Edward muttered.

"Charlie he insulted me does that keep him in jail longer?!?!?  
Emmett asked.

"Yes." Charlie answered.

"Emmett I thought you came to help." Edward said.

"I am helping." Emmett argued.

"No…your making me stay in hear longer."

"Oh, I'm not helping you…I'm helping Charlie." Emmett answered… "Oh and Carlisle."

"How are you helping me?" Carlisle asked confused.

"By putting on this show for your entertainment duh." Emmett answered.

"Huh…" Carlisle sighed.

"Oh you don't like this song?" Emmett asked.

"No, not really." Carlisle sighed.

"Oh then I'll sing something else." Emmett said changing wigs….this one was blond and pink…I wonder what he's singing now?

"I will now be singing Hot by Avril Lavigne. " Emmett said.

"Oh God." Carlisle muttered again.

"Just shot me now." Edward mumbled.

"That can be arranged." Charlie said looking at the big gun on the wall.

"I want to lock up in my closet when no ones around. I want to put your hand in my pocket because your allowed." Emmett sang.

"WTF?" Carlisle muttered.

"Carlisle you know WTF?" Edward asked.

"Doesn't everyone? I'm hip." Carlisle said.

"Ok….."

"Would you guys stop interrupting!!!! I'm trying to sing!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Trying but not succeeding." Edward corrected.

"Oh shut up Edward…now back to the song……I want to drive you into a corner and kiss you without a sound." Emmet sang. "I want to stay this way forever, I'll say it loud. Now your in can't get out!!!!" Emmett sang.

"He's right, we can't get out." Edward muttered.

"Don't worry Edward….I should be out of hear soon, but at your rate you'll probably be stuck hear a couple of more days." Carlisle said.

"That long?" Edward asked.

"Ummmm…no maybe months."

"You make me feel so much better." Edward muttered.

"What did I tell you guys about talking? Could everyone please shut up so I could sing!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Um….I guess. Carlisle said shutting up.

"Now where was I…….Oh yah…….um…..actually I don't remember…..well I guess I'll just move onto my third song." Emmett said taking that wig off.

"Hey no wigs for this song." Edward commented…that had to be better right? Maybe….maybe not.

"I will now be singing Don't trust me by 30h3." Emmett said….oh god this could be worse…….

"Black dress with the tights underneath, got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth and she's an actress but she ain't got no need she's got money from her parents and a trust fund back east." He sang….and as he sang he stripped…just like in the music video.

"Emmett what are you doing?" Carlisle asked.

"I'm singing." Emmett answered.

"Yes I see that….why are you throwing your cloths on the floor?" Carlisle asked.

"Cause there's no where else to throw them….Now back to the song….T-t-tongues always pressed to your cheeks while my tongue is on the inside of some other girls teeth. Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef that I'm a vegetarian I ain't fucking scared of him."

"Emmett do not take off those pants!!! Emmett!!!" Carlisle yelled, he wasn't listening.

"Charlie can you arrest Emmett for public nudity?" Carlisle asked.

"Don't ask that…then he'll be stuck in hear with us." Edward whined.

"Oh yah…never mind……….."

******************************

(Bella, Alice, Jake, Rose)

"What the hell is taking so long? He just went there to make sure they were ok and he's been an hour." Rose whined.

"Oh my God….what if he's not ok?" Bella asked crying into Jake's chest again.

"Gosh Bells, I never knew you cared so much about Emmett." Jake muttered.

"Not Emmett, Edward you idiot!!!" Bella whined.

"Oh….yah that makes more sense……" Jake mumbled to himself.

"Maybe Emmett got arrested too." Rose mumbled.

"Wow two times in less then twenty four hours….that would be a new record." Jake muttered.

"Actually…not for Emmett." Rose sighed.

"Wow….." Jake laughed.

"So not funny!!!" Rose yelled.

"Oh you want to fight Blondie?" Jake asked.

"Bring it mongrel." Before anyone could bring anything Alice got a phone call.

"Hello?" She asked.

"Hey Alice, it's Emmett…..I'm in jail….again." Emmett said.

"Oh God, that's three at the same time…what for this time?" Alice asked.

"Public…..nudity." Emmett muttered.

"Do I even want to ask?"

"Well you see I figured since Carlisle and Edward were on jail they'd want some entertainment…..so I started singing Don't trust me…..and I guess I got a little too into it." Emmett said.

"Oh God, I thought we told you, you weren't allowed to sing that anymore." Alice whined.

"Well….I know but it's such a great song." Emmett sighed.

"Oh whatever…is Edward ok Bella's dyeing to know."

"Bella's dyeing?" Emmett asked in shock you could hear Edward gasping in the background.

"Not literally- just- oh could you tell me how Edward is!!!" Alice yelled.

"Um…well he's handcuffed to a toilet." Emmett said.

"What?" Alice asked.

"You heard me, I said hand cuffed to a toilet." Emmett said again.

"Well why?" Alice asked confused.

"Two words Char- lie", Emmett said.

"Emmett Charlie is one word not two!!" Alice yelled.

"Oh whatever……"

"I guess we'll see you later then." Alice said hanging up.

"What's going on?" Bella asked.

"Emmett's in jail and Edward's hand cuffed to a toilet." Alice answered.

"What's Emmett in jail for this time?" Rose asked.

"He was singing Don't trust me." Alice answered. Everyone except Bella and Jacob understood.

"Huh?" Jake asked.

"He strips to that song….he was arrested for public nudity." Rose answered.

"Oh….Ewe." Jake said finally getting it.

"Why is Edward hand cuffed to a toilet?" Bella asked confused.

"Two words Char- lie." Alice answered.

"Alice?"

"Yah?"

"Charlie is one word." Bella corrected.

"Not in Emmett's mind…."

"So what are we going to do until the bail bonds men place opens?" Bella asked.

"Um…we could go back to truth or dare." Alice answered.

"Ok."

"Um…well Emmett went last….but he's not hear so….I'll say someone." Alice said. "Ok….um Esme truth or dare?" Alice asked…….

**Authors note: So were getting back on topic….yeah (= what will Esme do? What should Esme do? Any ideas? Was it funny? Do you love Emmett's singing? **


	25. waist of money!

**Authors note: Thanks for reviewing you guys some of them make me really laugh (= Oh BTW someone mentioned that they think I have something against gay people because of some of the jokes I put in hear….really sorry if I offended anyone please, please don't hate me (= I really, really didn't mean to be offensive. **

"So Esme truth or dare?" Alice asked.

"Um…..I want to say dare." Esme said…wow a little too overly confident if I do say so myself….I mean don't you think Alice would do something really evil considering she was dragged by the ankles into Home Depot? We shall see……………………

"Ok Esme I dare you to take a sledge to your expensive one of a kind coffee table and matching china set." Alice snickered. Oh my god….would Esme do such a thing to such valuable furniture?

Everyone turned to see her face….she was in complete frozen shock….if vampires could pass out she would have….though in a matter of seconds that shock turned to pure and utter rage and hysteria……this was not going to go over so well………..

"Alice there is no way in hell I'm am breaking that gorgeous table, it cost over 5000 dollars!!! It's freaking diamond in crested!!!!!" Esme yelled.

"Wow, you guys have way too much money." Jake muttered. Everyone glared at him. "What...don't look at me you're the one who wasted 5000 dollars on a freaking table!!!" Jacob screamed.

"Actually the one in the living room is 5000….the one we were talking about was 15000." Alice corrected.

"Oh my god." Jake sighed.

"Oh my god your right." Esme sighed. "There is no way anyone is touching that table."

"Well Esme…you remember the rules….if you don't do the dare you have to-" Alice started.

"No!!!! I am not going to do that!!!!" Esme yelled.

"Your choice…." Alice said.

"Huh….give me the sledge hammer." Esme sighed.

"Yeah!!!" Alice skipped into the other room to get the camera.

**********************

"This is round two of the Cullen truth or dare, Esme is about to smash the diamond in crested table." Alice announced into the camera's speaker.

"I change my mind I can't do this." Esme said putting the sledge hammer down. "Damn it!!!" She may have cracked the floor a little……

**(Let's see what's going on in jail) **

"Damn I'm so bored." Emmett muttered smashing his hands into the floor…..it shook the whole room…including the toilet which splashed Edward in the face yet again.

"Emmett would you stop!!!" Edward yelled.

"Not unless you play a game with me…" Emmett bargained.

"No." Edward muttered.

"Then I guess I'll just have to keep shaking the floor." Emmett threatened.

"You wouldn't."

"Oh would I?"

"Fine I'll play your game just don't shake the floor!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Ok."

"So…what are we playing?" Edward asked after Emmett toke a five minute pause.

"Oh yah right…I have to say something…um how about guess that song." Emmett said.

"Oh Emmett please no more singing." Edward begged.

"Oh fine….your lose." Emmett sighed. "Ok then let's play would you rather." Emmett said.

"Ok…I guess it's better then hearing you sing." Edward mumbled.

"Ok...I'll go first…would you rather be locked in jail or with a crazy person or married to a dude?" Emmett asked.

"Well let's see…I'm already locked in jail with a crazy person….and I'm also married to a man." Edward said.

"Oh yah….hey you shouldn't talk about Carlisle like that though." Emmett butted in.

"That's not who I was calling crazy." Edward sighed…sometime's Emmett could be so slow……….

"Oh…HEY!!!!"

"Just telling the truth…." Edward mumbled.

"Whatever….let's get back to the game….would you rather buy a magical pony or have a cloud named after you?" Emmett asked.

"What?"

"You heard me I said-"

"I know what you said…but why would I want either of those things?" Edward asked confused.

"Because there so cool….personally I think I'd take the pony cause it would last longer." Emmett thought aloud.

"Um…ok…this is getting weird…can we play something else?" Emmett asked.

"Uh…yah we can get back to that guess the song thing…that way Carlisle can play too." Emmett decided.

"Oh joy." Carlisle sighed….he was much happier just sitting in his corner watching Edward's pain.

"Ok…I'm going to start singing at a random part of the song so it makes it harder to guess." Emmett said. Carlisle and Edward cringed….what if they never figured out what song he was singing? Would he just keep going on and on forever? Would he ever stop?

"Ok….I got class like a 57 Cadillac and an overdrive with a whole lot of boom in the back." Emmett sang.

"Shut up!!" Carlisle yelled.

"Don't even waist your time Carlisle telling him to shut up isn't going to stop him from singing." Edward sighed.

"I'm not telling him to shut up!! The song starts with shut up…shut up and something….i don't know what." Carlisle said.

"Oh…" Edward said as he began to think. "We better hurry up and figure it out or he'll never stop." Edward muttered. Now shut up and what? Hum…I can't remember either sorry Eddie……

"So if you feel it let me know, know, know. Come on now what you waiting for, for, for?" Emmett sang.

"Were not waiting were thinking." Edward said.

"Edward...he wasn't asking you what you were waiting for…that was just part of the song."

"Oh…."

"Baby you've got the keys, just shut up and drive, drive, drive, shut up and drive." Emmett sang.

"That's it, Shut up and Drive!!!!!" Carlisle yelled happy he had finally gotten it….wow that only took him ten minutes.

"Good…now onto the next song." Emmett said.

"Oh god…"

"Great."

"That party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it I danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked. Drink my beer and smoke my weed but my good friends is all I need. Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again." Emmett sang.

"What the hell party was that…and naked girls Rose is not going to be happy when she hears about this." Edward complained.

"Edward…again…part of the song."

"Oh…."

"As I was singing." Emmett went on….. "I can't tell you what I learned from school but I could tell you a story or two, um yeah, of course I learned some rules like don't pass out with your shoes on(Get the Sharpie!)." Emmett sang.

"This song is kind of scary…and I still have no idea what it is." Edward said. "And I don't get it….what about the sharpie?"

"Edward you are so not helping." Carlisle sighed.

"Now if everybody would please put their drink as high as they can. As high as they can(As high as they can)And repeat after me Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Freshmen! Freshmen! Freshmen! Freshmen! Do something' crazy! Do somethin' crazy! Do something' crazy! Do somethin' crazy! Keg stand! Keg stand!  
Keg stand! Keg stand!" Emmett screamed.

"Ok…now I really don't get it." Edward muttered.

"Oh Edward your so slow…you need to get with the times….oh and by the way I figured out what the song was, it's I love collage. " Carlisle said.

"How did you know that?" Edward asked.

"I'm hip like that." Carlisle said…Edward had never been more confused in his life.

***********************

"Come on Esme smash the damn table already so we can all get on with our lives!!!" Alice yelled.

"Fine…" And with that the 15000 dollar table was gone….

"No!!!" Both Esme and Jake screamed.

"Jake why the hell are you screaming?" Bella asked confused.

"Waist. Of. Money." Jake said.

"Why the hell does everyone keep breaking words into sentences?" Rose asked.

"That is my thing people!!!" she yelled.

"Loca." Quil muttered.

"I am not crazy!!! I say we get him next." Rose yelled.

"Ok." Esme agreed.

"One thing Esme." Rose interrupted.

"Yah?"

"No daring him to get you a new table."

"…..Damn…..ok then while were waiting for the bail bonds men to open, Quil I dare you to play fetch with squeaky toys like a dog at the park." Esme said.

"What. The. Hell?"

"What did I tell you guys about doing that!?!?!?!" Rose yelled…she was getting paranoid…no one was allowed to split single words into sentences but her.

Jake was laughing….this was going to bring dog to a whole new level.

**************************

**Authors note: Ok that was kind of short and not too funny but hey I just wrote a chapter for 3 of my stories hopefully the next one will be longer…and playing fetch with squeaky toys in the park should be interesting…. **


	26. Quil's afraid of what?

**Authors note: Hey guys…so Quil....at a dog park…..with squeaky toys…..this is not going to be good…..LOL anyway let's see what happens. **

"Ok guys let's go to the pet store and get us some squeaky toys." Esme said walking out the door….she was upset but figured seeing the pain of others would make her feel better.

"Um Esme…if the bail bonds men place is closed why on earth would the pet store be open?" Rose asked.

"I know right…that's why we're not going to the pet store to get the squeaky toys." Esme said with an evil smile…..oh god where could they possible be going?

"No Esme…please not Wal-Mart….anywhere but that!!!!" Alice screamed hiding under the other table.

"Relax Alice, we're not going to Wal-Mart." Esme reassured her. "Now get your ass out from under that table before you break it!!!"

"Yes Esme!!!" Alice yelled quickly running out from the table……it cracked and broke into millions of pieces.

"Alice!!!!" Esme yelled. "First the fan and now two tables!!!" Esme yelled running after her.

"Technically I only broke one table!!! Don't kill me!!!" Alice screamed hiding behind Jasper.

Esme stopped herself… "I'll worry about you later Alice…Right now let's get us some squeaky toys!!!!" Esme yelled running outside.

"WAIT!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Oh what now?" Esme asked annoyed.

"Where the hell are we going?" Alice asked.

"To steal toys from dogs of course."

"Oh God….can I just make out with Jake again?" Quil asked.

"Um…..no…now come on people Mike has a Rottweiler…we can get dog toys and egg his house while were there." Esme said.

"Rottweiler?" Quil asked.

"Yah…what you afraid of dogs or something?" Esme asked.

"Um actually…he is." Jake mumbled.

"Thanks for ratting me out Jake." Quil muttered.

*******************************

"Ok Quil we're hear…now get your ass over that fence and get those squeaky toys!!!!" Esme yelled pushing him closer to Mike's house.

"No!!! Jake save me!!!!" Quil yelled getting behind him.

"Quil don't be such a baby, come on it's just a dog, you can do this." Jake said encouraging him.

"Your right, I can do this….I'm going…..almost there." Quil muttered.

"Quil?"

"Yes?"

"You're not moving…"

"Oh right..." Quil said as he slowly walked over to the fence.

"Do I really have to do this?" He asked.

"Yes, now get your butt up there." Esme said pushing him.

"Carlisle is not going to be happy when he finds out Esme was touching other men's asses." Rose snickered.

"Yah I bet-" Bella's sentence was cut off by he sound of girly shrieks, ripping cloths and loud barks and snarls.

"That can not be good" Jake mumbled. "Quil I'm coming dude!!!!" Jake yelled climbing the fence.

"No!!!!" Bella yelled dropping to her hands and knees….now she wouldn't have Jake or Edward……

"Bella don't worry I'm sure he'll-" Seth started, he was also cut off by snarls and ripping noises….but hey no screams….I guess Jake was more of a man then Quil.

"AHHHHH OH MY GOD!!!!" Or maybe not…………

"Seth get in there and save them." Bella yelled pushing Seth over to the fence.

"No way….I'm not risking my life." Two seconds later two very shaken…..almost naked now boys came out from around the other side of the fence.

"God…there even more naked then usual." Rose muttered gagging.

"I know isn't it so hot?" Bella whispered.

"I think you have a serious problem." Rose muttered.

"I got the squeaky toy." Quil said opening his fist…..well at least he accomplished his mission…..

"Hey did you say I looked hot?" Jake smiled coming over to Bella. Rose gagged again.

"I may have said some-" Before she could finish the front door burst open and out Came Mike Newton in SpongeBob boxers. Everyone was smart enough to run except for Bella, Quil, and Jake……perfect……

"What happened to you guys? Get beat up by the dog?" Mike laughed. Jake decided to come up with a story instead of admit the truth…because you know that worked so well the last time……

"Um actually Mike, Bella did this." Jake said.

"Yah right." He wasn't convinced.

"Oh yah, she's an animal."

"I'm sure….then what happened to him?" He asked pointing to Quil.

"We…..were…in a three some." Jake answered. "Right Bella?"

"Oh yah we were." Bella mumbled…she was a horrible liar.

"Then why are you at my house?" Mike asked.

"Because….we like to have sex in weird places and today we picked in a rose bush…and you have the biggest rose bush ever." Jake said…..Well this was getting odd.

"What about the neighbors?" Mike asked pointing to the house next door with the gigantic rose bushes.

"Well yah….we could have gone there but…we…don't know them." Jake answered. Bella was desperately trying not to roll her eyes….only an idiot would believe something like this.

"Oh…well I guess that makes sense." Mike muttered going back into his house. Well there's the idiot……

"I can't believe he believed that." Bella muttered.

"Of course he believed it, cause it was so convincing." Jake argued.

"Oh yah…us in a three some…that's so believable." Quil laughed.

"You're right…if I was going to have sex with a man he would be way better looking." Jake teased.

"Please Jake I'm so out of your league." Quil laughed.

"You guys are so weird." Bella winced…..she was getting very explicit strange mental images of things she really didn't want to see………..

"Oh yah….and like Bella's such an animal….she probably can't even unbutton a shirt let alone rip it." Quil laughed.

"I don't know…." Jake muttered staring off into space…you knew what he was thinking about……

Bella slapped him. "Ouch, damn it Jake this is why I should still be carrying around a bat." Bella muttered looking at her throbbing hand.

"Break it again?" Jake asked. Quil was just laughing.

"Shut up or I'll punch you too." Bella muttered.

"Then you'd just have two broken hands….." Since no one was really making much of a point…or any sense they decided to go in the front yard where everyone else was.

When they got there what they saw was unbelievable. "Esme I didn't actually think you were really going to egg Mike's house." Bella laughed….he was going to be pissed….just then they heard the snapping of a chain….oh god the dog had broke free…….

"RUN!!!!!" Quil yelled…everyone obeyed…they didn't want to be killed….the dog actually did manage to catch up with Alice though.

"OMG my skirt this is a good one paws off dog!!!!!" Alice yelled…..then Jasper decided to……well um let's just say Mike's dog lost some blood……..

"Too bad Emmett's in jail he would have enjoyed this." Rose mumbled……he probably would have………….

***********************

**(Jail) **

"Hey you guys want to play eye spy?" Emmett asked.

"Yah why not." Edward muttered.

"Ok….Um….I spy with my little eye something pink." Emmett said looking around.

"These outfit's there making us wear?" Carlisle asked.

"Yup, God you guys are good at this....but you'll never guess this one." Emmett said. "I spy with my little eye something grey." Emmett said….this one was going to be hard.

"Let me guess the bars on this cell?" Edward asked.

"……Maybe…..damn you two are too good…..but you'll never guess this one….eye spy with my little eye something white." Emmett said.

"The toilet?"

"Yes……damn I give up you two are way too good."

************************

"Ooh there are a lot of people at this park today." Esme laughed evilly……Quil cringed…..It may have been five am but there were almost twenty people there…and hey that's a lot of people for a dog park….and a lot of dogs…..

"Ok go get it boy." Esme said throwing the squeaky toy into the air.

Quil started to run.

"No, no." Esme said stopping him.

"Run like a doggie."

"Oh god." Quil said getting on his hands and knees…….very hard to run in this position.

"Oh Quil one more thing." Esme stopped him again.

"What now?' Quil whined.

"Bark." She said.

"What the hell did I ever do to you?" Quil asked upset.

"Nothing….I just want to see you bark." Esme said.

"Fine….." Quil answered….oh he was so going to get someone back later. "Ruff." Quil barked.

"What is wrong with that boy?" Some one asked….Everyone in the park was very confused.

When Quil finally got to the squeaky toy another dog picked it up. He turned and Looked at Esme to see what she wanted now.

"Don't look at me…fight for it." Esme answered….everyone was laughing.

Quil ran up to the dog…who he wasn't so afraid of because it was only a pug…and tried to get the toy out of it's mouth with his hands.

"LIKE A DOG!!!" Esme yelled.

"Hum…you think he'd be better at this." Jake laughed.

"Jake I'd shut up or you might be next." Bella mumbled.

"I've already been gotten this round." Jake reminded her.

"Well yah…but you never know."

"I think Rose is next." Jake said.

"Why?"

"Because she's the one who nominated him."

"Oh yah……"

Quil had almost gotten the dog toy when the small dog spit it out and a counting courso picked it up. **(Just a big dog that goes to my dog park, very huge, very dangerous if trained wrong though most of them are bred to fight they can be very sweet dogs, the one at the dog park is not at all vicious, it looks kind of like a giant pit bull. I just gave you guys a lesion on dogs LOL) **

"Big, big, dog oh my god!!!!!!" Quil said running away…..i guess they'd never finish there game of fetch……..

**Authors note: Well that was that (= Hope you guys liked it Any idea's on who should go next what should happen let me know (=**


	27. IMPORTANT VERY VERY IMPORTANT!

**Authors note: OK GUYS I'M WRITING THIS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M REALLY, REALLY, REALLY EXCITED!!!!! OK SO GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! I'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR A BEST STORY AWARD!!!!!!!!!! BEST COMEDY TO BE EXACT!!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE IF YOU LOVE ME AND IF YOU LOVE THIS STORY PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GO TO sizzling stories. webs. com i AND VOTE FOR ME!!!! YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD AND GET THIS STORY UP THERE!!!! WOULDN'T YOU TOTALLY LOVE TO HAVE AN AWARD?!?!?! I WOULD SO PLEASE, PLEASE VOTE FOR ME REMEMBER ITS sizzling stories .webs. com GO GET YOUR ASS ON THERE AND VOTE!!!! OH BTW IF YOU DO VOTE PLEASE, LET ME KNOW MESSAGE ME OR PUT IT IN A REVIEW OR SOMETHING PLEASE AND THANKS (= VOTI NG ENDS ON THE 16****TH**** (=**


	28. bottomless ball pit of doom

**Authors note: Since you guys were so awesome an voted for me I decided to hurry up and write this (= Btw if you couldn't get the link to vote before it's now on my profile so you can cheek it out there, there are more details on the profile too so you can cheek that out (=**

When everyone was back at the house….or rather the woods behind the house (Esme made everyone go back outside to prevent the breaking of anything else) it was Quil's turn to find his victim……since Rose voted him in why not take revenge on her?

"Hey Blondie truth or dare?" Quil asked.

"QUIL!!!" Jake yelled.

"What?" Quil asked confused.

"Only I get to say Blondie!!!!" Jake yelled.

"Well…god….ok…Rosalie truth or dare? Happy now Jake?"

"Yes."

"Uh…..dare mutt." Rosalie said pushing her blond wig away from her face.

"Hey!!!!"

"What now?" Quil asked.

"…..I thought I was mutt." Jake whined.

"No….he's mutt and your mongrel." Rose corrected.

"Then what am I?" Seth asked.

"You….your just Seth." Rose answered.

"Hey, how come I don't get a nick name?" Seth asked.

"Because….I don't hate you." Rose said.

"That is so not fair." Jacob muttered.

"I say we make nick names for everyone!!!!" Alice yelled.

"That sounds like something Emmett would say."

"Well someone has to take his place while he's gone…I mean we cant let Bella be the personality." Alice moaned.

"Hey!!!"

"…..Sorry Bella it's just the truth…."

"Oh whatever….."

"Now onto nick names….let's all do Bella first!!!" Alice screamed.

"Oh god….." Bella was not happy about this.

"Ok…um Jake your up first, pick a nick name for Bella." Alice said as she got a white board and a marker out of the bush.

"Again not even going to ask what that's doing there." Bella muttered. The Cullen's were so weird…….

Alice quickly scribbled down each persons real name across and then down. "Alice…what are you doing?" Bella asked.

"Making a place to write everyone's nick names, duh." Alice cheered getting out a different color marker so her writing would be more organized.

"Ok now Jake, pick a nick name for Bella." Alice said again.

"Um……Bells….I don't know….that's the only nick name I ever gave her." Jake muttered.

"Um….too boring….pick something more original!!!" Alice yelled….gosh she was always so bossy…….

"Um…ok…..klutz…."

"Hey!!!'

"Sorry Bells...it's true." Jake mumbled looking around to make sure she didn't still have the baseball bat….he didn't need another dent in the head.

"Ok we've got klutz…and Bells…..anyone got anything else for Bella?" Alice asked.

"Ummmmmm………I don't know." Esme said…everyone seemed to agree.

"Isn't Bella a nick name it's self?" Quil asked.

"Oh yah…I guess it is…." Alice said as she erased Bella and wrote Isabella and put Bella under the nick name category.

"Let's move on shall we…we can come back to Bella later….how about we do me!!!!!" Alice screamed looking at Jake…..i guess he was the only one left with personality…….where was Emmett when you needed him?

"Um…..I was going to say pixy but shortie would be a good one too…oh and you can't forget shopaholic." Jake muttered.

"I am not a shopaholic!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Yah you are……"

"Jasper am I?"

"Yah…I never thought I'd say this but I'm going to have to agree with Jake." Jasper mumbled hiding behind the tree…if Alice got mad it wasn't going to be pretty……….

"Oh…whatever….moving on…let's do Rosalie!!!"

"Oh this will be fun…let's see, Blondie, bitch, psycho, psycho bitch, dummy-" Jake started.

"Oh yah, well let's do you!!!" Rose yelled getting the white bored. "Douche bag, dumbass, mongrel, mutt-"

"Hey I thought I was mutt." Quil pouted.

"Oh shut up Quil!!! There are more important things to worry about!!!" Alice yelled. "Like the fact that Rosalie just destroyed the white board…OMG ROSE I WAS WORKING HARD ON THAT!!!!!" Alice yelled.

"Alice get over it……you were only working on it for five minutes." Esme sighed.

"Get over it!!! Why should I get over it why are you so mean to me I didn't even break the freaking table!!!!"

"You want to take this outside?!?!?!"

"We are outside!!!!!"

"Um…..well….anyway just to get back on topic hear….um…..Rose I dare you to…oh I know go play with the children at chucky cheese." Quil said……wait what?

"Oh you think that's going to be bad? I'll have you know I love small children." Rose announced.

"Oh yah…you say that now but once they start messing with you….it'll be a whole other story." Jake muttered.

***************************

**(Later at Chucky Cheese (that's probably not how you spell it but I'm too lazy to look it up so let's all just go along with it people)) **

Rose went up to a cute little five year old girl who was just sitting on a stool playing with some orange play doe…….

"Hi." Rose said. Sitting next to the little girl.

"Hannah Montana?" The girl asked…..maybe Rose should have went with the other wig…..

"No…" She said trying to explain to the girl she wasn't who the girl thought she was.

"GUYS LOOK IT'S HANNAH MONTANA!!!!!!!!" The girl yelled as her friends came pilling in all around her….Rose tried to think of a way to escape but children were all around her.

"I am not Hannah Mon what's her face!!!!" Rose yelled. "I'm way too pretty." No one was listening to her…..

"Let's take her wig and see if she turns into Miley Cyrus!!!" One of the kids yelled.

"No!! You. Are. Not. touching-" It was too late they had gotten to her wig.

"OMG this is not Miley this is a fake!!!!! Let's get her!!!!" One of the children said after they had gotten her wig.

Small children started to throw play doe at Rosalie……orange, pink, yellow, green, and blue play doe….if her rainbow colored Mohawk hadn't been enough this sure was.

"Stop!!!!! STOP!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Rose yelled….this was so sad….it's not like she could hit children…

Alice was very happy to report she was getting this all on camera….boy was this getting crazy….not only did the children have play doe….they still had her wig.

"Come on guys, I say we hide this in the castle!!!!" The same girl from earlier said as she took Rose's wig and ran the slide, onto the trampoline, threw the ball pit, and into the plastic castle.

"Give me that back!!!!" Rose said as she tried to get up the slide.

"You think she'll actually go through with this?" Quil asked Jake.

"I don't know but I can tell you two things….one you are so dead when she gets back." Jake said.

"Yah…I probably am….what's the second thing?" Quil asked.

"That this would be way funnier if it was Bella." Jake laughed imagining her trying to get up the slide.

"Hey!!!"

"Oh please Bella, you probably wouldn't even have been able to make it up the slide…." Jake snickered.

"Well it's not like Rose is doing such a good job."

Rose had so much play doe in her eyes, and stuck to her face she could barely see….plus someone had greased the slide making it impossible to climb up in high heels.

"Stupid children…I swear this is why I never had any." Rose moaned taking her shoes off so she could get up the slide.

"I thought you didn't have kids cause you couldn't!!!!" Emmett yelled bursting threw the doors.

"What are you doing hear? I thought you were in jail? You didn't dig your way out with a plastic spoon again did you?" Rose asked.

"Of course not….I was so awesome Charlie let me go." Emmett said.

"So…you annoyed the hell out of him until he set you free?" Rose asked.

"Um…actually I just sang….what happened to you?" Emmett asked.

"Children…..threw……play doe……at me….and stole……my……wig." Rose cried.

"What? Sorry I spaced out." Emmett answered.

"Oh your no freaking help!!!" Rose yelled as she climbed up the slide.

"Ok…you have fun, I'm going to go play that video game." Emmett answered going over to the claw machine.

"He does know that's not really a video game right?" Jake asked.

"Um…no probably not but…..don't upset him." Bella said as she watched Emmett try to pick a stuffed bear with the claw machine. "Come on bear Emmett JR needs a friend." Emmett said banging the machine.

"Sir….sir do not break that….do not push that…..sir if you break it I swear you'll be kicked out!!!" One of the workers yelled at Emmett.

Rose was trying to get threw the ball pit which seemed to be a bottomless pit of doom….and she felt like she was sinking…not to mention that children were throwing the evil plastic balls at her screaming, "Let's drown her!!!!!" Was it possible to drown someone in a plastic ball pit? I don't know but Emmett thought so.

After getting his stuffed friends he took his shirt and shoes off and screamed, "Don't worry honey, I'll save you." And did a canon ball into the ball pit.

"What the hell?"

"I think he's trying to swim."

"There's never a dull moment in this family…"

"Baby are you ok?" Emmett asked pulling Rose out of the ball pit….when he was out he realized the demon children had stolen his shoes and were making there way up the plastic castle.

"Oh no you didn't!!!!" Emmett yelled trying to climb up the plastic steps of the castle.

"Emmett no!!!!!" Rose screamed.

"This is just like a soap opera." Jake muttered.

"You watch soap operas?" Bella asked.

"Um….no…"

"Then why did you-"

"I said nothing!!!" Oh yah, Jake was totally denying it…he so watched soap operas.

All of the sudden the plastic castle fell and Emmet landed on the middle of a table on top of a birthday cake.

"Mommy the big scary man ruined my birthday!!!" The kid cried.

All of the sudden the woman was hitting him with her purse.

"Oh whatever…like that hurts?"

"Oh yah…that doesn't hurt well let's see about this!!!" the lady said taking a tazer out of the purse.

"Oh yah what am I suppose to be afraid of an electric shaver…..ouch damn that thing hurts!!!!" Emmett yelled……electric shaver? Well I guess they are similar in shape….

"Let's get out of hear!!!" Emmett yelled.

"What about me wig?"

"I'll get you a new one!! Now come on let's go!!!!!"

**Authors note: Um well that was odd…..though we could probably say that about every sentence in this story…I still love writing it though….Yeah Emmett's out of jail!!!! I had to bust him out…..he's the only one with personality LOL anyways please keep reviewing love you all (= **


	29. girls vs boys fashion show

**Authors note: Hey guys I'm starting school…..don't really know how often I'll be updating…I'll try my hardest (= Though I'm starting high school so….I don't really know how much work there's going to be…….ewe just thinking about it is horrible….back to Spanish class, math and gym, ewe there all so bad……at least it'll be a bigger school which means more hot guys…..LOL (=**

**(Ok so I just want to skip some stuff a little bit hear…….let's all pretend Carlisle and Edward were already bailed out LOL don't worry I'm only skipping it to make the story funnier faster) **

"Edward I can't believe Charlie made us pay 100,000 dollars bail." Bella whined.

"Yah, they only charged me 200." Carlisle laughed.

"Charlie….hates…me." Edward whined.

"Oh no he doesn't, he just hates you cause you like Bella." Emmett reasoned.

"Then what's Jacob's excuse?" Edward asked.

"I'm awesome so Charlie totally loves me no matter what." Jacob explained.

"I don't think that's true…."

"Hey, he could catch me molesting Bella on his couch and he'd still love me." Jacob argued.

"Oh come on Jake that is so not true." Bella disagreed.

"Oh yah, then how come when I kissed you and you got all pissed off, you told him and he gave me a high five?" Jacob asked.

"Um……" Bella started.

"See no answer."

"Charlie sucks, and that's coming from a vampire." Edward whined.

"Ok…so who's next?" Esme asked changing the subject.

"Ummmm….well Rose was last but, I have an idea on how to make this game more interesting!!!" Emmett cheered.

"Oh god!!!' Edward moaned.

"Hey, wait until you hear it before you knock it!!!!" Emmett yelled.

Everyone looked confused. "What?" Emmett asked.

"Knock it sounds kinda dirty." Jasper laughed.

"Oh come on guys, so childish, you know that's not what I was talking about." Emmett complained.

"Look who's talking." Jasper laughed.

"Oh whatever…back to my idea….I say we start daring more then one person at a time to make it more intense." Emmett said…it was actually a pretty interesting idea.

"You know what…that's a pretty interesting idea." Jasper answered.

"I never thought I'd say this but….Emmett's right." Edward muttered.

"Hey!!!! ……..Well…..I guess that's probably true….." Emmett muttered looking at the floor. "I say we do boys against girls first!!!" Emmett cheered. Everyone seemed to be in agreement.

"Ok…since I was last…I guess girls go first." Rose said…..the boys didn't seem to be in such great agreement now.

"Oh no!!!!"

"I knew this was a stupid idea!!!"

"Why the hell did you listen to Emmett?!?!"

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!"

"Relax guys….we haven't even said what you'll be doing yet." Alice smiled…..poor, poor, poor, boys…..they were so dead…….

**(Rose's POV) **

Alice, Bella, Esme, and I got into a huddle……all of them really didn't need to be hear though…..Bella never had any good ideas and Esme was just a crazy horny mess every time she got into truth or dare……though sometimes that wasn't such a bad thing…….

"Any idea's guys?" I asked looking mostly at Alice….maybe she'd use her craziness for good……after all insanity can sometimes be beneficial…….maybe………

"I say we make them kiss each other!!!" Esme yelled.

"Ok…Esme…you have no say at this point…..your way to horny…." I mumbled flipping my hair….that may have been a little harsh but hey…it's true. "Now….go sit over there...I said pointing to a rock a good distance away.

"Fine….." Esme pouted and slumped, slowly walking over to the bolder.

"Ok…now that crazy's gone any real idea's?" I asked flipping my hair yet again…I couldn't help it….it was impulsive.

"Um……..I don't know." Bella muttered….huh boring girl……I knew she'd never think of anything.

"I think we should make them go to the mall to all buy dresses!!!" Alice laughed.

"Actually…..that's not a bad idea….." I laughed……this could actually be kind of fun…..it was very odd to imagine though…Emmett in a dress…..wow….scary.

"Rose I can see what your thinking and I am not wearing a freaking dress…..i already had to wear that wedding gown……"

"Good…then you have experience….now let's get to that mall." I said getting my car keys.

"Yeah!!!! The mall!!!" Alice yelled rushing to her car.

"Alice were going for the boys….not for you…" I told her….stupid shopaholic…….

*********************************

**(At the mall) **

"Wait….I'm confused….what are we even doing?" Jacob asked as we got to the door…….

"Were going to pick out dresses for you guys that your going to wear out in public." Alice smiled….if she couldn't shop for herself at least she'd get to pick out stuff for others.

"As if the bikini wasn't horrible enough." Jacob muttered.

"At least my leg's are still waxed from earlier today." Edward muttered.

Rose ignored that comment and kept on walking…when they reached a cute little dress shop they went inside…..

"Ok…..Alice you take Jasper, and Seth, I'll take Edward and Jake…..Esme you get Carlisle and Emmett and Bella you can do Quil." Rose commanded.

"Hey…how come I don't get to do anyone else?" Bella pouted.

"Because…your sense of style sucks." Rose said going into the store…..

**(Jake's POV) **

Oh Blondie freaking hates me…I'm so dead…so, so dead…..this sucks…this really, really sucks….I thought as I watched her go down each isle looking for the most horrible dress's possible….she stopped at a skin tight scarlet red dress that had two huge holes revealing you're hips on each side **(Picture on profile) **….on a girl this would be so sexy but on a guy this was just plain wrong.

Please be for Edward, please, please, please, be for Edward…..I pleated.

"Oh Jacob go try this on." The evil bitch laughed…shit, shit, shit!!!!! This sucks!!!!!!

I went into the dressing room and slipped into my dress….do you know how odd that sounds? It's been a really gay two days………

**(Edward's POV) **

Rose had made the mongrel try on one of the craziest looking dress's I had ever seen……once you go there there's no way it can get worse….I felt a little worried and yet kind of relieved…..there was nothing in this store worse then that…..I should be just fine.

"Oh Edward…..go try this on." Rosalie said tossing me a very short….practically see threw little pink number **(Picture on profile)** …..damn…the worry is so, so, back….as if the dress weren't horrid enough it had small holes cut out to make it even more revealing……Rose is such a bitch….what the hell did I ever do to her? She sucks……….

**(Jasper's POV) **

Alice was acting like a mad woman going from isle to isle looking for the perfect dress……..We had gone threw all the long ones already….I was going to have to wear something short and horrid I just knew it……..

We walked…and walked for nearly twenty minutes until she stopped abruptly…so abruptly that Seth ran into a pole…..poor kid….Though I'm sure that dent in his head will heal fast.

I decided to look away from Seth and instead to focus my attention on my crazed wife. She had set her eyes on a sparkly purple dress **(Picture on profile)** ….on her it would look so cute…..on me it would look ridiculous…..especially with that length…..it would barely reach the bottom of my ass…..though Seth was shorter then me….Please let it be for Seth-

"Oh Jazzy honey." Alice said with an evil smirk….damn……

"Alice…I can't wear this…and after everything I've done for you…I saved you from that dog- I started to say. She put her hand up to stop me.

"You may have saved me from that dog but you locked me in Wal-Mart and that is absolutely unforgivable." She said handing me the dress. "Now get your ass in that dressing room and put this on!!!" She yelled.

I obeyed her orders….damn Wal-Mart….As I walked in Jacob was coming out….his dress was a little longer then mine but had huge slits revealing way more of him then I ever wanted to see……

"Rose?" I asked. He just nodded, blushed, and made his way outside.

Half way in I saw Edward hiding under a table…..his dress had more holes then Swiss cheese….talk about reviling…….

**(Seth's POV) **

I saw Jake come out in a crazy looking dress…he looked very upset so being the good person I am I went over to comfort him.

"Hey man you ok?" I asked….I couldn't help but smile though….he looked ridiculous.

"I don't want to talk about it." Jake muttered sitting on one of the stools….or at least trying to sit…..his dress was a little too short….At least I wouldn't end up looking that ridiculous right?

"Oh Seth I found your dress." Alice laughed holding up a peacock looking dress **(Picture on profile)** …god knows how many birds they had to kill for that thing……and look how stupid it looked…..it was even worse then Jake's……..

"You know Seth….I didn't think you could make me feel better but…..you just did." Jake laughed….

"I'd be carful Jake…..your showing." I laughed going inside….at least my dress wasn't as short as his…..talk about short…..God when I saw Edward I think I puked a little…way too much of him….ewe…that image will haunt me for the rest of my life.

"Shut up Seth." Edward muttered giving me a death glare….only one way to fix his bad mood….. "Oh Rosalie Edward's hiding under the table!!!" I yelled. He looked pissed…. I ran into a changing room before he could get back at me…oh I was so dead but I loved it…..

**(Carlisle's POV) **

I didn't know which was worse….my stupid horny wife or the fact that Emmett was actually enjoying this shopping trip……

"Oh Esme, can I wear the green one? Please, please can I wear the green one?" He kept asking….Emmett had picked up a lime green polo dress **(Picture on Profile) **on our way over to the shoes….. to me it was hideous but I guess everyone has there own taste…..

"Uh…I guess Emmett." Esme muttered not paying him much attention…that was not good…this meant she'd be wasting her time on me…..oh God.

"Yeah!! I'm gonna look so hot." Emmett yelled rushing into the dressing room….something was definitely wrong with that boy…..

"Oh this is perfect…SJP wore the same one on the set of Sex in the city!!!" Esme yelled picking up a white and gold knee length tube dress that had a flower bigger then her head sewn onto the side **(Picture on profile) **…it looked ridiculous……you probably couldn't even see with that big thing all up in your face….I would surly be the next one hitting into a pole…..

**(Rosalie's POV)**

Jacob was already out and he had gone in just a few seconds before Edward….I just didn't get it…had he escaped? Climbed out a window? I was starting to get worried until I heard Seth yell…. "Oh Rosalie, Edward's hiding under a table." How stupid could he get? I mean table…seriously?

I quickly rushed in to find none other then the idiot brother of mine quivering under a table.

"Oh please Rose, please don't make me go out there?" He whined.

"Oh come on wimp….the dog's got more confidence then you." I muttered…he wouldn't budge……guess it was time for plan B…..

"No!!!!! You are not going to pull me out of hear by my freaking ankle!!!! I will not stand for this!!!!" Edward yelled…people were staring…..

"Well good….if I pull you by your ankles you won't have to stand." I smirked dragging him out of the dressing room.

"Not!!!!! Funny!!!!!!"

"Hey, what did I say about breaking single words into sentences?"

**(Bella's POV) **

I was looking at the things everyone was picking while Quil was quivering behind me….i needed to out do them all just to show off my abilities.

I decided to approach the front desk for professional help. "Excuse me miss…but do you think you have any more exotic outfits?" I asked…..this was going to be fun.

**(Quil's POV) **

When I heard exotic I thought stripper……damn it…I was going to be dressed as a freaking striper I just knew it…wait…this is so stupid I wasn't even old enough to get into a strip club and now I was going to be dressed as a freaking stripper….Oh my god…what if she sends me to a strip club….full or men…I better stop thinking this…..

She went in the back room and when she came back she was holding a belly dancer's outfit **(Picture on Profile)**….well better then a stripper I guess…..

"Hear you go Quily." She laughed……damn I really did not want to have my stomach out……

**(Jake's POV)**

God this was weird….I was in a dress….Edward looked like a stripper…..Jasper's dress was so itchy he was scratching himself to death, Seth looked like a bird….Quil was a…it's hard to even thing…belly dancer….Carlisle's face was covered up by a flower and to top it all off Emmett was going around the mall asking people if he looked hot…but that wasn't even the worst part……

We were only done with phase one of the dare….we still had to move on to part two…the worst part of all….Alice had suggested we put on a fashion show in the center of the mall……we were being plastered with makeup and had to walk the run way…..no doubt this would end up on YouTube later……

Emmett had volunteered to go strut his stuff first….I swear he was gay or something…he was enjoying this way too much….

When he actually got onto the runway he knew how to walk…..he turned and spun and posed for the camera…he even blew a kiss…..so, so, odd.

**(Rose's POV) **

Why is my husband acting so gay…this was a horrid idea I just knew it….I couldn't watch any more I went to go hide and pretend I didn't know him….it didn't help when he yelled, "Oh Rose babe wait up!!!" Jumped off the stage, and threw me into his arms….yup that was sure to be in the news paper tomorrow.

**(Esme's POV) **

My hubby was up next…he looked so good in his dress…the only problem was the flower sticking in his face….he really couldn't see…..as I thought this he stumbled off the stage and fell on a little girl who started screaming.

"Oh gosh I'm so sorry dear" Carlisle said getting off of the little girl…her mom was not happy…she chased him out of the mall……..guess Emmett wasn't the only one getting tazered today…..

**(Quil's POV) **

I was up after Carlisle…Bella had forced me into doing a belly dance on the runway…..let's just say it wasn't pretty……but I did really shimmy it up out there.

**(Jake's POV) **

Quil's dance scared me a lot …but it didn't scare me as much as the thought of what would come next…..I had to walk out on a freaking runway…

As I walked out I heard someone say… "Well at least this one's a girl." I was not a girl….I would totally fight that guy if it wasn't for the fact that with each step I took the dress seemed to get higher and higher…..

Twenty seconds later the man corrected himself. "That is definitely not a girl…" He laughed awkwardly to himself and looked away….I tried to pull the dress down but I couldn't….Blondie did this on purpose I just know it!!! Oh next round she was so dead.

**(Alice's POV) **

The dress I picked out for Jazz was gorgeous…if only he would stop scractching for two seconds…I mean god it could not be that itchy….

As he walked down the runway he was still scratching…..a little more of that and he'd tare the thing to s- too late…..The next thing everyone saw was a very naked man on stage……I quickly had to recover this…..

"Nothing to see hear people!!!" I screamed getting in front of him and running away…..well that sucked………Poor Jazzy…damn it now I'm so, dead…..

(Jasper's POV)

Alice was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**(Bella's POV) **

Well that was a little more of Jazz then I ever needed to see…….now moving on…time to see a whole lot of Edward…..

The crowd waited five minutes but no one came out…..I knew he wouldn't go through with t- before I could finish my though out came Edward in a pink ass length dress walking at none human speeds…..he was in and out in less then thirty seconds….I was barely even able to snap a picture….oh well guess I could always catch it on YouTube later……….

**Authors note: OK so I finally updated yeah!!!!! Hope you enjoyed…tell me what you think and don't forget to take out the pictures…trust me you'll die of laughter picturing each guy in each dress….LOL don't forget to tell me what you think and tell you what….if you review I'll have the next chapter up by tomorrow….but only if I get at least ten reviews so you better review LOL love you all (=**


	30. Therapy part uno

**Authors note: thanks so much for reviewing guys I'm sticking to my word…I got more then ten reviews so I'm posting another chapter….I might get one in tomorrow but I'm not exactly sure….I have tons of homework I still have to finish…..I should probably do that but I'm kinda too lazy right now LOL Maybe later (=**

**(Edward's POV)**

When we got back to the woods I quickly ran into my room to get my laptop. I just had to cheek something out.

I logged onto YouTube, where unfortunately my screen name was still gay Volvo loving loser…..stupid Jacob…..and searched through the current videos.

"Are you going to go watch Charlie the unicorn?" Emmett asked coming into the room…still in his lime green polo dress I might add….Rose had tried to force him into changing but he just wouldn't listen….apparently as he claimed, his dress was just 'too comfortable' to get out of….Well at least he was getting his moneys worth out of his…I had thrown mine in the fire at first chance….

"No, I am not going to watch the stupid unicorn." I muttered….

"Don't kn- Emmett started to say.

"Don't knock it till you try it huh? Yah let's say that because your last plan worked so well!!!" I complained…I wasn't in the mood for Emmett…

"Well gosh…you don't have to be such a party pooper." He complained.

"How am I a party pooper? Were not even at a party!!!" I yelled still furiously typing into the YouTube search key.

"Yes we…oh I guess were not…." Emmett corrected himself. "So what are you looking for?" He asked changing the subject…I guess it was an attempt to make himself look like less of an idiot…..yah in that dress it really wasn't working…..

"This." I said finally getting the video I was looking for….sure enough I'd ended up a star on YouTube……this sucked.

"OH MY GOD I'M A STAR!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled jumping up and down shaking the whole house as he moved…..

"Emmett what did I tell you about jumping up and down in this house!?!?!?!" Esme yelled….she did not need anything else destroyed.

"Sorry Esme but…it's just….I'm so happy!!!" Emmett exclaimed jumping up and down again….

**(3rd Person POV) **

"What the hell's all this screaming and crying about?" Rose asked coming into the room.

"You….Tube….." Was all Edward could say before he went to go hide in the corner…..

Rose looked at the screen and burst out into insipid laughter.

"What's going- oh." Bella said looking at the screen. "Well at least now I'll get a picture of Edward." Bella said stopping the video and taking out her camera….well I guess that's one way to do it.

"Hey look there's a comment from Mike Newton." Carlisle said looking at the screen. _"Congrat_s, _every time I think your family_ _can't get any weirder you surprise me…..nice job guys….P.S what the hell happened to my dog?"_

_Mike-the-awesome-dude-Newton_

Alice and Jasper looked at each other and laughed….Poor little doggie……then everyone decided to get to the point.

"Ok so time to get back to the point!!!" Jazz yelled. "Our revenge…" he laughed evilly…the girls were very afraid….they should be…..

**(Jasper's POV) **

Jake, Emmett, Edward, Quil, Seth, Carlisle and I got into a group huddle….I felt like we were on the football team. Ah foot ball, good times….moving on….

"So what's the most evil, absurd thing you can think of?" I asked……I hoped we'd come up with something good.

"Um…I don't know...but I don't think it should be anything too harsh." Emmett answered.

"They made me walk the runway in a purple ass length dress!!!!" I yelled…..that was way harsh.

"Well yah…I know but wasn't walking the runway so much fun?" Emmett asked thinking back to his performance.

"No…..it really wasn't…I think something's just wrong with you." I answered….stupid, weirdo, brother…….he really need's therapy I swear…hey wait…therapy…..I might actually have something there…

"Hey you guys know how like Emmett needs therapy?" I started.

"I say we make them become strippers!!!" Jake yelled, getting the stupid horny grin from earlier as he stared off into space…..

"Ok….um…no…god you're so horny I swear you're like Esme two." I muttered…..we should probably kick him out of this meeting.

"I agree we should!!" Edward yelled….stupid mind reader….

"Hey, I can hear you!!!"

"Whatever…anyway back to what I was saying ok so Emmett's like insane…I say we make the girls either go to therapy or give therapy to others…." I said….now that would be interesting.

"Hey that's actually not such a bad idea." Edward answered. "Maybe Emmett will actually get a little more normal after this."

"HEY!!!! What are you trying to say?!?!?" Emmett asked annoyed….though he was kind of interested in this…he would have fun talking about his problems.

**(Mean while) **

The girls were standing around awaiting there fait….. "What do you think were going to have to do?" Rose asked.

"I heard someone yell strippers." Bella moaned…she did not want to be a stripper…if she was she'd probably be forced to give a lap dance to Mike Newton…Just the thought of that made her want to vomit…….stop thinking about it!!!!!!!

"Oh no." Rose moaned….she was too hot to be a stripper….was that the reason she was so upset? Was it the fact that she was a former stripper as a human? No one knew for sure……

"Hey guys come hear." Emmett yelled….oh gosh this was not going to be good…this was really, really not going to be good.

"Sit down." Jasper ordered taking out a very, very, long list…..oh god this was not good…..

"Ok so we were thinking and Emmett gave us an idea." Jasper started….as soon as the girls heard Emmett's name they began to freak even more then before…..Emmett + idea = not good.

"And well….I'll just get to the point hear…..your all going to either become psychiatrists or go threw therapy." Jasper laughed.

"Shit!!!!" Alice yelled….this was not good for the poor shopaholic…….

"Alice, you will be going to shopping therapy….maybe they'll find your problem…." Jasper answered….Alice looked pissed….

"Bella….we will find out why you fall so often." Edward said next…….

"Esme……we are going to try to get you back to normal….before all this happened." Carlisle said.

"Rose….or Blondie…you will be going to find out why your so self centered…" Jake laughed…..Rose would have been pissed but she didn't hear….she was too busy looking at herself in the mirror……

"Oh and that's just the first part." Quil continued…… "After we find your problems you will have to all listen to Emmett's problems." Quil laughed….Well that could take a year in it's self.

"Shit…" Bella though….this was horrible.

"Oh all except for you Bella….you'll be listening to Mike's problems." Quil laughed…..Well that sounded horrid…..

**(Bella's POV) **

Shit!!!! Shit!!!!! Shit!!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not Mike Newton…Oh god this was going to be so, so, bad…..stupid revenge this sucks!!!!!

**(Edward's POV) **

I felt a little bad about doing this to poor Bella….but hey what was I saying she made me wear a freaking dress….and then she took pictures…when we go back to school I will be a laughing stock forever….or at least till we move….this sucks…..

I love Bella but I have to do this!!! I though as I drove her to therapy……..

**(Rose's POV) **

When we got to this effing place I saw some creepy lady awaiting me…..She was smiling a scary smile….the kind of 'Damn I wish I had a job where I didn't have to smile at every fucking person that walked into this building' smile…….

She was probably just jealous or something……I mean look how pretty I was and then look at her….wait!! Did I just think that?!?!? …..Damn, maybe I am self centered….Well, can't fuck with the truth….why do I think fuck so much?!?!? Must have something to do with Emmett……

"Please, come sit." She said pointing at one of those creepy chairs they force you to lye down no matter how much you didn't want to.

I hesitated for a bit…but after a couple of seconds went… I figured, maybe if I sat she'd stop it with the creepy smile….it didn't work out.

"So Rosalie is it? Tell me why do you think your so nasty to people?" The woman asked.

"Well first of all lady, I'm not nasty to everyone…just people who deserve it." Rose answered.

"Um hum, I see…..so who deserves to be treated in such?" She asked.

Well let me think…..Jake, Quil, basically every werewolf…..Bella, Edward…Anyone who looks at me funny….damn this is getting to be a long list…..better not say these all out loud…it might make me look bad….. "Um…Jacob." I answered.

"Ok…I see…well what does he do that make's you treat him the way you do?" She asked. Everything!!!!!!!

"Um….well…." I started.

"Just tell the truth, it will set you free." She must be one of those damn hippy's or something….god so weird….

Well might as well just tell the truth…maybe it will get me out of hear faster.

"Ok well you see, he's so annoying….he's always coming over and he smells like wet dog, he tells dumb blond jokes and- she stopped me in mid sentence.

"Dumb blond jokes you say? Is that one of the things that really bothers you?" She asked..

"Yah…I guess."

"Maybe we should bring him in and see if we can resolve this." She answered.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**(Alice's POV) **

Jazz dropped me off at an utterly repulsive building that said 'help the less fortunate, donate to good will.' Just looking at it made me freak……I was going to be losing things today…….

When we walked inside I was put in a room with 3 other people…not clients but teachers……did I really need this much help?

"Alice today we will resolve your shopaholic problems by cleaning out your closet and donating things to the poor." One of them said. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tried to run….tried to escape but it was too late…..they had locked the doors and were taking me away. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled. But they grabbed me…..hum this was odd I never knew humans that were stronger then vampires……..

**(Bella's POV) **

"So miss Swan….when exactly did your uncordination problems start?" The woman asked me.

"Um I don't know…." I answered truthfully.

"When you were a baby did your mother drop you on your head?" She asked…what the hell kind of question was that?

"Huh?" I asked very confused.

"Well….we've come to find that babies that were dropped tend to have problems such as- oh my god look a car!!!!!" The lady yelled….well she was easily distracted…..I wonder if she's a professional……..

"Hum?" I asked.

"Dose this suite make me look fat?" She asked me…..this was defiantly not a professional.

**(Mean while) **

Since Bella was out Charlie had to cook for himself…..he had no idea what he was doing but he decided to put the cereal in the microwave **(I know someone who did this in real freaking life, not going to name names but I know your reading this and you know who you are *cough* Ryan *cough* LOL) **He actually ended up setting it on fire…..too bad Charlie was a police man and not a fire man.

"Shit!!!!!" Charlie yelled taking out the fire extinguisher…. "Damn where is Bella when I need her? Oh that's right with the convict….why can't she just go for the real man Jacob?" He asked himself as he put out the fire…if Jacob was hear he would have helped too bad he was all alone………Damn microwaves……well at least he used the microwave and not the computer….(=

**(Jake's POV) **

"Hello?" I answered my phone confused…who the hell was calling me with a blacked number?

"Hello mutt." Well that answers the question.

"Blondie? What the hell do you want? Why do you have my number?" I asked truly confused.

"Look…I don't have time to answer questions….would you just get down hear my physiatrist would like a word with you." She muttered threw grinded teeth…

Oh damn what the hell could that mean? This was not going to be good.

**************************

I drove down there and entered a room with Blondie and some nut job who couldn't stop smiling her very forced on smile…..

"Hi, you must be Jacob…please come sit." She said shaking my hand and pointing to the open seat next to Blondie.

"Um….do I really have to sit there?" I asked her…..I really didn't want to sit next to that one…….

"Yes!!!" she screamed… "It will help you resolve issues now pop a squat!!!!!" She said pushing me down into the couch…well this lady was insane………..

**(Alice's POV) **

I could not believe this…these crazies and I were standing in my walk in closet which they locked with a huge pad lock and key so I couldn't get out, get help, or try to stop them….they were tossing things at me saying stuff like, "Do you really like this outfit? And how many times are you really going to use something like this?"

They were trying to get rid of everything…I loved my cloths I couldn't let them touch anything!!!!!

When they picked up my favorite outfit that's when I knew it was time; they were going down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Do not touch my Juicy's I already gave one to a hobo you are not taking the other ones!!!!!!!!!" I yelled pouncing on the lady like a crazed jungle cat.

**(Back at Charlie's) **

Emmett and Edward were bored so they figured why not go visit there good pal Charlie?

"Hey Charles." Emmett said walking in.

"Charles? Emmet? Edward? What's going on?" Charlie asked confused.

"Well you see Charles Edward and I were in the neighborhood and figured hey, why not drop by." Emmett answered. Charlie was not so happy about this decision. He also didn't really enjoy being called Charles either.

"Ok first of all…it's Charlie….not Charles." He explained.

"Yah whatever Charles…ooh is this breakable? Emmett asked picking up a glass vase and throwing it on the floor…..shattering it into a million pieces.

"OUT!!!!!" Charlie yelled opening the door.

"You heard him Edward, get out." Emmett said.

"I wasn't talking about him numbskull I meant you!!!!" Charlie yelled kicking Emmet outside.

"Wait but I need to tell you something!!" Emmett yelled trying to prey the door back open.

"What?" Charlie asked before Emmett could break the door down.

"I think Edward need's to be given a certain talk." Emmett said coming back in. Edward and Charlie were giving him WTF stares.

"You know…" Emmett went on….well this was getting ever so random…….

**(Bella's POV) **

Well since my physiatrist was a complete ass I figured, no matter how much I didn't want to do this might as well get my ass over to Mike's house to start phase two of this crap.

**Authors note: Well ok let's cut it off there….ooh we left a whole lot of un answered junk…cool what's going to happen? What the hell is Emmett talking about now? Will he end up in jail yet again? Will Rose and Jake ever be friends? Will Alice be arrested for assault? Will Esme's OOC issues be resolved? Guess will have to find out later………………… **


	31. Bella is not happy!

**Authors note: Hey guys sorry I haven't updated since like um…Tuesday I think…I had a project yesterday OMG and we had a test on drawing a picture of a space ship in English class…don't ask me what that has to do with English I have no idea……LOL (= Hey did you guys watch The Vampire diaries? I read the books and they were pretty good…not Twilight good but still kind of cool just wondering if anyone else did the guy on the shows pretty hot too….not Taylor Lautner hot but still pretty cute (= **

**(Bella's POV) **

I got to Mike's house and knocked on the door….it didn't take him long to answer…..he was wearing a pretty scary outfit if I do say so myself……I mean seriously what was up with the playboy robe? Was he trying to look sexy or something…and what the hell did he do to his hair? He made it look almost like Edward's.

"Hello Bella, please come in…" He said in a disturbingly seductive tone….this was starting to really freak me out. I walked inside to find the fire place on and music playing in the background.

When I got all the way in he locked the door and dimmed the lights…..did I mention payback sucks cause it sucks balls!!!!!

"Come sit." He said going over to a way too small loveseat…..smaller then Jake's couch and that thing was tiny…..this was one of those freaking chairs that only fit like one and a half people……oh Edward is so dead when I get back I swear!!!!!

"Um…you know what….I think I'll go sit over there." I said pointing to the bigger, friendlier looking couch…..of course he followed me.

"Um…you know Mike, it would probably be a good idea if you sat over there so then we'd be on opposite sides of the room and that would make it easier to talk." I rambled on…I couldn't help it. That's just what happened when I got nervous.

"Oh that's ok Bells….we don't really need to talk." He said scotching closer to me damn I wish I knew karate right now…………………………….

**(Alice's POV) **

I was riding in a truck…half my cloths were in the back….I was being forced into going to good will. I really didn't want to but they said it was either that or jail…..damn that stupid place!!!!!

"Ok Alice, were hear." The lady said taking the bags out of the back…..as I walked in I saw someone else….someone familiar looking….who the hell was that? Pretty Asian girl with shinny blue black hair and diamond studded jeans….. "OMG London Tipton!!!!" I yelled going over to her. She was crying and her eyeliner was going all over her face….they must have forced her into going to good will too!!!!

"Like what do you want?" She asked looking up at me.

"Oh, I just wanted to say I'm going through the same thing too!!!" I answered.

"Shopaholics rehabilitation?" She asked.

"Yup." I answered sadly.

"OMG it's so horrible and we have to go see all the poor people, there even worse off then Mattie and I didn't even think that was possible!!!!" She yelled.

"OMG I know right, I love your pants though; they look so good on you." I said looking at the jeweled jeans once again.

"Oh please honey, I could be wearing a trash bag and I'd still look hot." She laughed taking other mirror…wow, jus like Rose 2.

**(Rose's POV) **

I was sitting on the couch next to the mongrel looking desperately for my escape….I didn't think there was one.

"Tell you guys what, I say we start with a trust building exercise." The therapist beamed getting out of her chair.

Jake and I both groaned. "Come on now, were going to get this over with one way or another." She said lifting us both off the couch…..damn she was strong.

"What are we going to do?" Jake asked…….

"Well first your each going to make a cake for one another…you have to trust that the other person won't mess with it." The lady said.

Jake was first to speak out. "Um…I don't think I can do that." He answered.

"Well why not?" he lady asked.

"Well…last time she cooked for me she tried to kill me." He answered….oh yah…I remember that ahh good times…too bad stupid Edward had to tell him……

**(Charlie's house) **

Emmett was still trying to prey the door open when Charlie finally decided to let him in. "Charlie I seriously think Edward has something he needs to say to you." Emmett said when he got in.

"What would that be?" Charlie asked looking suspiciously from Edward to Emmett.

"That he made Bella go to therapy!!!" Emmett yelled. Edward looked like he was going to rip his head off….hum funny same expression Charlie had for Edward…..

"You made my daughter go where?" Charlie asked stunned. No one answered.

"To therapy." Emmett said breaking the silents.

"WHAT!?!?!?!?!" Charlie asked stunned.

"It wasn't my idea.." Edward said hiding behind Emmett…..Charlie decided to get the gun.

Before he could do anything the phone went off….it was Alice.

"Hey Alice what's going on?" Edward asked thanking god she had called just in time.

"It's too long to explain, just get down to Mike's house now or it might be too late!!!" Alice yelled. Oh god what the hell had she seen in the future?

**(Edward's POV) **

After I got the call from Alice I frantically ran outside and got Jacob on the phone….he may not be my favorite person ever but if something was happening to Bella he was a god fighter.

"Hello bloodsucker what do you want?" Jacob asked answering the phone. There was someone yelling in the background telling him to finish making his cake…..what the hell was that about? I don't know but there's no time to worry about that.

"Listen Jake there's no time, I got a call from Alice and something's wrong with Bella, I don't know what's going on but she told me to get over to Mike Newton's house before it was too late." I said speaking so fast that normal humans would have no idea what I said.

"Wait too late? Too late for what? What's going on?" He asked.

"I don't know!!!! Just get down here!!!!!"

Before he could say goodbye I was already there…..I could see him running close behind me…damn he was fast.

"What's going on?" He asked when he got up to me. I couldn't answer, I was too busy reading Mike's mind……it was not good.

"Let's go!!" I yelled opening the door. I though Bella would be trapped or tied up or something but she had actually managed to back him into a corner….he was about to fall into the fireplace. I couldn't help but laugh at this site.

"Don't laugh I need help damn it!!!!!!" Bella yelled looking over at me. What better to do then go with he plan?

"I say we tie him to the pole out in the middle of time square in his underwear!!" Jake yelled…well I guess we could go with that too…..

At least he would be the new YouTube sensation instead of us. "Jake, you can do that but I need to have a little talk with Edward." Bella said looking very angry. Crap I was dead!!!!!

"I think Jessica and Lauren would be happy to see you, I'm sure they have the same mind set as Mike." Bella laughed evilly. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Authors note: Well Edward's gonna be so dead now……this was short but it's been a long week and I really can't think. Hopefully it was funny…or at least weird…tell me what you think and I'll probably have a longer one up by tomorrow….oh and also who the hell can write funny when your thinking about 9/11….especially if you live near NYC like me )= those poor people )= ******Moment of silents******* **


	32. Web show time!

**Authors note: Um thanks for reading you guys I love you all (= I don't really have much to say hear except…um…review…oh and ok so I know how this is supposed to be like a truth or dare story and stuff but well...it's been going on for a while...I really don't want to end this story because I love writing it but I'm freaking tired of writing about truth or dare….would you really mind if we stopped truth or dare for a while and just had randomly awesome adventures? I hope you wouldn't, So um…well hear we go…. **

**(2 days later…don't understand then read the authors note)**

"OMG I can't believe that this week is finally over." Alice exclaimed reading her fashion magazine.

"I know right, that was so crazy." Bella said flipping through the channels on the TV. "I'm so glad it's finally over."

"I'm so glad I got a new wig." Alice smiled playing with her hair...it looked almost exactly the same as her old hair…that poor hair, it died so young…..

"Where's everyone else?" Bella asked confused….they were all alone.

"Um….well Rose is hanging out with London Tipton….who was totally suppose to be my new best friend…" Alice grumbled.

"Alice…it's ok…I'm still your friend." Bella said comforting her.

"Well yah…but I wanted someone with a fashion sense." Alice mumbled…Bella glared.

"Well what's everyone else doing?" Bella asked changing the subject.

"Jasper's playing with his emo stuffed animals, Carlisle's doing work in his office, Edward's watching Mike on YouTube again, Esme's trying to cook…..not sure why……the wolfs are out doing wolf stuff and I have no idea what Emmett's doing." Alice muttered still staring at her mag.

"Well that's never good." Bella said thinking about the possible things Emmett could be doing….oh god there were so many horrible things. Before she could think Emmett came running down the stairs with a huge roll of toilet paper covered in writing.

"What's that?" Bella asked worried what the answer might be.

Emmett didn't answer….he just started to yell. "Everyone get down stairs I have something important to say!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Oh crap!!!" Bella whispered smacking herself in the face….Alice put the magazine down and was staring blankly at the ceiling…I guess trying to see what was to come.

Everyone started to come down the stairs. Edward caring his laptop…Jasper with his panda stuffed animal, Carlisle with his work papers, Esme with her half done cake and Rose with her new Bff.

"What do you want? We were just about to go shopping." Rose said annoyed.

"Wait!!! Did you just say shopping? With out me?!?!? Everyone knows that if they plan on shopping I must be notified!!!" Alice yelled pissed off….it was kind of a rule though.

"Oh whatever Alice, I need to say something!!!" Emmett yelled…..everyone got quite so he could speak.

"As I was saying, I made a list." Emmett beamed.

"A list of what and why is it written on toilet paper?" Rose asked confused.

"My list of stuff we're going to do starting with number 1." Emmett said.

"Wait!!!" Rose yelled.

"What now?" Emmett asked annoyed.

"You never answered my question, why did you write a list on toilet paper?" She asked again.

"Uhhh….because I couldn't find any real paper." Emmett groaned.

"But there's a whole stack right there." Rose said pointing to the huge stack of paper on the desk in the corner of the room.

"Yah, yah, would you just let me get on with it woman?" Emmett asked trying to wait patiently.

"Fine…." Rose said finally giving in.

"Ok, first were going to make our own web show!!!!" Emmett yelled…..he looked a little too excited. "Now come on guys let's go!!!!" Emmett boomed running into the next room.

"Wait!!!" Edward yelled.

"Oh what now?" Emmett asked impatiently.

"We never agreed to this!!!!" Edward yelled….he was the only one annoyed everyone else looked fine with it.

"Right guys?" Edward asked for agreement of his family.

"Well actually Edward, this would be kind of fun." Rose said looking at London who she knew already had her own web show.

"Yah, we could talk about cloths, makeup, and jewelry!!!" Alice beamed.

"We could make a cooking show!!!!" Esme smirked.

"We could take London Tipton right off the web!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Hey, I'm standing right hear!!!" London yelled.

"Oh…..did I say the London show….I meant we could kick icarly right off the web!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Better…."

"How are we going to agree on what to do though?" Emmett asked.

"Maybe we could get a partner and each make our own web shows and see who's is the most awesometastical!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Did he just say awesometastical?" Bella asked Alice confused.

"Oh god…Esme was acting all OCC before and now Edward is." Alice muttered…this was probably not good.

"I call Jasper to be my partner!!!" Edward yelled…I though he didn't even want to do this.

"Awe crap." Jasper muttered as Edward pulled him to the side of the room.

"I'll take Bella!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Hey wait, don't I get a say in this?" Bella asked annoyed.

"No." Emmett answered pulling her to the other side of the room so no one could hear their plans.

"Bella you could always be in our show." Alice said pointing to London and Rose. Bella thought it might have been a better offer until she said, "We need someone to give a makeover to."

"I think I'll stay with Emmett." Bella said clinging to him for dear life.

"Come on Carlisle were going to cook!!!" Esme said dragging him into the kitchen.

"Oh god." He groaned….Carlisle had no idea how to cook, they were going to make fools of themselves on the world wide web.

**(Emmett and Bella) **

"Emmett what are you doing?" Bella asked suspiciously as Emmett put on a black wig. 

"I'm trying to think like Carly!!" Emmett said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why?" Bella asked still in utter confusion.

"So that we can have an awesome web show just like she does." Emmett answered adjusting his wig.

"Why don't we just make a list of ideas?" Bella asked.

"You know, that's kind of a good idea." Emmett answered as he took out another roll of toilet paper.

"Um….maybe we could just write these on normal paper this time." Bella answered.

"Fine…." Emmett said giving in.

**(Edward and Jasper) **

"So what should our show like totally be about?" Edward asked Jazz.

"Um…I don't know, but are you alright? You're kind of freaking me out." Jazz answered backing away.

"Don't be afraid Jazz, come into the insanity. It wants you." Edward answered….yup something had definitely happened to him in the past ten minutes….

"I say we prank people!!!" Edward yelled.

"That's actually not a bad idea." Jasper agreed.

"Alright…let's go prank Leah!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Edward I don't think that's such a great idea….she'll be really pissed off." Jasper answered thinking back to when Leah was chasing Edward and Seth around the yard with a knife.

"That'd the point….let's piss her off!!!!" Edward answered.

"We are going to be so dead." Jazz answered…he still followed anyway though.

**(Esme and Carlisle) **

"Hello people of earth, your watching cooking with Esme, I'm Esme and this is my lovely but unfortunately untalented assistant Carlisle." Esme said.

"Hey, I'm talented…I just can't cook and who the hell are you talking to?" Carlisle asked looking around, there wasn't a camera so they weren't on air.

"I'm practicing…so what do you think we should try to cook today?" Esme asked him.

"Um……I don't know how about cookies." Carlisle said thinking it would be something easy to make.

"Ok, we'll make the worlds largest cookie!!!!" Esme cheered….guess Carlisle was wrong about the whole easy thing…….

**(Alice, London, and Rose)**

"Ok so guys I say we do makeovers first…the only problem is we don't have that little blond nerd to mess with." London said thinking of who else they could get.

"I know someone we can bother." Alice said with an evil smirk.

"Who?" Rose asked confused.

"Let's get Seth."

**(Emmett and Bella) **

"Ok so I say we have a celebrity guest." Bella thought.

"Yah, and some weird segments about nothing…like um…..oh we should get people into a dog food bikini fight like on icarly." Emmett answered.

"A what?" Bella asked confused.

"You know, a dog food bikini fight…when guys put on bikinis and fight with dog food." Emmett answered.

"Emmett, who the hell's stupid enough to do that?" Bella asked.

"I know a few people who might be interested." Emmett said with an evil smile.

"What are you thinking?" Bella asked worried for an answer.

"Oh…just thinking about who we can get." Emmett answered.

"Who?" Bella asked.

"Well how about those Jonas brothers?" Emmett asked.

"How the hell are we going to get the Jonas brothers over hear to have a bikini dog food fight?" Bella asked.

"Simple…we'll just tell them Miley Cyrus is hear." Emmett answered……well ok….

**(Edward and Jasper) **

Edward was talking and Jasper was holding the camera…they were outside of Leah's house.

"Hey guys this is the most awesometastical YouTube show ever that we haven't really come up with a name for yet and were going to be pulling a prank on one of our not so good friends Leah Clearwater today." Edward said into the camera.

"Jazz if you would be ever so kind as to zoom in." Before Jazz could actually zoom in Leah came outside.

"What the hell are you guys doing in my back yard?" Leah asked annoyed. "Did you just say prank? I'm going to kill you guys!!!!" Leah yelled running after them.

"Shit!!! Run for it!!!" Edward yelled taking the camera.

"Sorry all you guys watching this but we're experiencing some technical difficulties." Edward answered smashing the camera into the ground….well that was one way to get off the air……

**(Esme and Carlisle) **

"Esme I can't cook and I don't want to make a fool of myself word wide!!!" Carlisle yelled running around the table in the circles.

"Honey…your running in circles around our kitchen table….you've past the point of making a fool of yourself." Esme answered. All of the sudden the computer started to beep.

"What was that?" Carlisle asked.

"We're getting requests." Esme answered looking at the computer. "Some guy said he'd give you a hundred dollars if you cover yourself in flour and start acting like a ghost." Esme answered laughing.

"You people are sick, I am not going to make a foul out of myself for any amount of money!!" Carlisle yelled at the light bulb.

"Honey."

"Yah?"

"The camera's over hear." Esme answered.

"I knew that…..Carlisle said going over to the correct spot and repeating himself…..

**(Emmett and Bella) **

"Damn, I got the answering service again!!!" Emmett yelled…he had tried calling the Jonas brothers ten times…..

"Maybe we could just ask someone else…." Bella thought….but who?

********************************

**(Twenty minutes later) **

Jake and Quil were in bikini's in the Cullen's back yard with huge cans of dog food in each of there hands.

"This brings back so many horrible memories." Quil mumbled blushing awkwardly.

"You told me Megan Foxx was hear!!!" Jake yelled at Emmett….Bella was not informed about this lie.

"She is…but she won't come out until the bikini dog food fight is over…cause she doesn't want to get dog food on her outfit…." Emmett lied….they had to be complete numbskulls to believe the load of crap that was coming from Emmett's pie hole.

"Oh…I guess that makes sense." Quil said as he opened his can of dog food…..uhhh….idiot.

"At least this bikini is cuter then the other one." Jake said looking down at his lime green bikini…..it was more his color.

"Start already damn it!!!!" Emmett yelled pointing the camera at them.

"Is this going on the internet?" Jake asked.

"Maybe…."

"Wait, this was all trick!!!" Jake yelled.

"So Megan Foxx isn't hear….." Quil pouted sadly.

"Forget about that man, let's get him!!!" Jake yelled as he and Quil started throwing there dog food at Emmett instead of each other.

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!! Guys stop it…this isn't fair……people are watching this…..were on the air….ewe you got it in my eye…..it burns….it doesn't taste like chicken either…..Bella a little help hear would be nice!!!!" Emmett yelled running away.

Bella was just laughing….Quil actually stopped to take a bite of dog food…. "Hum…you'd think being part wolf this crap would taste less horrible…." He muttered.

"Quil, you're so stupid!!!" Jake muttered hitting him with dog food as well….

**(Alice, Rose, and London) **

"Ok guys since our little blond nerd is out for the week we've got this kid." London said pointing to Seth.

"Guys what am I even doing?" Seth asked…all he knew is he was going to get to meet London Tipton….poor kid.

"Today….we're going to change things up a little…usually we dress some poor guy up like a girl and see how hideous they look….today we'll be doing that…only making him look like celebrities…today by popular demand we are going to dress him up like Lady Gaga." London smirked taking out the crazy leotards.

"Damn…the things I get myself into." Seth muttered going to go change………………

********Twenty minutes later*********

"What the hells taking his so long?" Alice asked looking at the time….there viewers list was going down by the minutes.

"Maybe he like died." London answered…stupid ass.

"Let's go look in the bathroom." Alice said opening the door….the window was open and they could see Seth running down the street.

"Hey, get back hear!!!!!!" Alice yelled jumping out the window after him….Rose and London were left all alone.

"Um….what should we talk about now?" Rose asked.

"It doesn't matter….I forgot to turn the camera on anyway."

"So we did all that work for nothing?"

"Yah…pretty much…"

All of the sudden Emmett Came running into the room covered in dog food with his toilet paper list in one hand.

"Emmett what the hell are you doing?" Rose asked looking at him. "Your messing up the carpet!!!!"

"Oh sorry." Emmett said as he started whipping himself up with the toilet paper.

"Wasn't that your list?" Rose asked.

"Oh shit!!"

"Well…at least we won't have to do all the crazy stuff that was on there now." Rose smirked relevied.

"Oh don't worry about that, I memorized it already." Emmett said as he started writing it all down again on another roll of toilet paper.

"You'd think he'd use real paper this time…."

**Authors note: Ok so that's it for this chapter I don't really know when of if there's going to be more truth or dare…I really don't know what's going to happen. If anyone has any ideas on what they want to be on Emmett's list of stuff to do I'd be happy to put them in the story so write them in your reviews, don't forget to tell me what you think and I'll write some more when I hear what all of you think so review (= **


	33. What the fudge?

**Authors note: Ok so you all seem to like this so far so I'm going to keep going, a few of you gave me ideas and I would love to incorporate them into the story…..I just don't know when that's going to happen…maybe in the next few chapters...I would have done one of your ideas in this one but I had this weird dream about my story and I was like ok this just has to be written down. If you guys want to know the ideas I got from the readers so far ****Alice Maximum Redbird would like to have some more psycho Esme, ****Nellabelle wants everyone to go to the VMA's to punch a certain ass of a celeb *you probably know who I'm talking about* in the face which I would absolutely love to put in the story because I feel so horrible for what happened to poor Taylor Swift )= and ****twilight96-angel Would love to see Mike Newton go insane which probably will happen soon so look for that stuff to come soon any other ideas are welcome too (= **

"So, shall we move on with the list?" Emmet asked taking out his roll of toilet paper.

"Uhhh…..why not? There's nothing else to do anyway so might as well." Jasper groaned.

"Glad for your enthusiasm." Emmett said sarcastically as he looked down at number two on the toilet paper…that sounded so wrong…..

"So what are we going to do next?" Alice asked excitedly….did someone let her have sugar again?

"Ok so guys today we're going to see if we can go a whole day without cussing." Emmett answered…this one might actually be difficult.

"Wow Emmett, you're not going to cuss? I'm very impressed." Edward smirked…this would be hard for him to do.

"No Edward, I can still cuss, I won't be playing….I'll be the one setting you guys up for really horrible situations where you'll want to cuss but you cant." Emmett answered……well this should be interesting.

"Any questions before we start?" Emmett asked. Jacob raised his hand.

"Dose hell count?" He asked.

"Yes, you can't say hell, fuck, bitch, bastard, shit, crap, you also can't say gods name in vain so no OMG's, that means you Alice." Emmett said looking over at her.

"OMG!!" She yelled.

"Hey, that counted!!!!"

"Sorry…I just had to get that last one out." Alice said sitting back down.

"…..Moving on….there are also no potty words aloud suck as dick, piss, shit, we already went through those….Jake you can't say Blondie." Emmett went on.

Jake stopped him. "Hey, why can't I say Blondie, that's not a bad word!!!" Jake yelled.

"I know…..I just want to make this harder on you." Emmett laughed.

"Moving on again…just to take this to the extreme….there can also be no idiot, douche bag, or retard said.

"Everyone was starting to look annoyed.

"Are you finished?" Edward asked.

"Yah pretty much." Emmett said as he pantsed Edward.

"What the……apple sauce is your problem?!?!?!" Edward yelled pulling his pants back up.

"Sorry Edward, that was just a test…nice boxers by the way." Emmett smirked.

"Your so ga- great." Edward said stopping himself not sure if saying gay would be used against him.

Next Emmett moved on to Bella…slapping her on the butt.

"Jer- Jack a- dumb a- stup- oh never mind." Bella whined…she couldn't think of anything insulting that wouldn't count against her.

Next Emmett went over to the table, picked up the scissors and cut off a lock of Alice's wig.

"Oh my…gumdrops Emmett you….meany I just brought this…darn wig." Alice yelled…hey they were getting good at this.

Well…on to Jake next. Emmett went up to him and gave him a big kiss. "Emmett get the….heck off of me you taste like shi- cra- poo!!!" Jake yelled…this was harder then it looked.

Well on to Esme…Emmett quickly took the pans from the kitchen and threw them on the floor and started jumping up and down on them.

" Oh sugar, Emmett Cullen those are my good pots!!!" Esme yelled pulling him away. "It's ok my little pot babies mama's hear, she's got you." Esme whispered cradling the pots…odd.

"Well on to Jazzy poo." Emmett smirked evilly.

"What are you going to do?" Jazz asked backing away.

"Oh…you'll find out soon." Emmett laughed as he took Jasper's shoe and licked his foot.

"What the fudge is wrong with you?" Jasper asked very confused and scared all in one.

"I don't know…just testing ya…now on to daddy." Emmett said whipping the taste of Jasper's foot out of his mouth by rubbing his hand against his tongue.

It wasn't really working…he was about to puke….well why not do it on Carlisle if it's going to happen anyway? So…that's exactly what he did.

"Emmett you son of a- this is my good jacket and you've got your disgusting bloody puke all over it!!!" Carlisle yelled…good thing he stopped himself on that last one…Esme was not happy about what was coming out of his mouth….she was so not a B.

It was quite after that but then out of no where Bella Decided to yell, "I'm hungry dang it!!!!!"

"Ok….let's go to McDonalds...I've always wanted to try a big Mac Emmett answered.

"Ok but when you trough up it better not be on me again!!" Carlisle yelled as they got in the car.

*********************

(At McDonalds)

"Um could I have a big Mac please?" Emmett asked one of the people in McDonalds.

"Get whatever you want, but why are you asking me?" The woman asked.

"Don't you work hear?" Emmett asked.

"No."

"But…you're wearing purple."

"Emmett people who work at McDonalds wear red, now come on the lines over hear." Bella said taking him to the other side of the restaurant.

"Bella, I think you're wrong, this is obviously the line for the bathroom." Emmett pointed out.

"No retar- the bathrooms over there….hey wait your acting all annoying to see if I'll cuss at you aren't you?" Bella asked.

"I don't know, maybe I'm just that stupid." Emmet answered as he got his big Mac took a small bite and then yelled, "Ewe this tastes like shit!!!" Because he could still say whatever he wanted, threw it in the air and had it conveniently land right in Rose's face…she looked like she was going to explode…if she didn't calm down she'd be the first one out….

"Oh snap you fudging dumbo!!!!" Rose yelled…..she couldn't say much so she ran into the bathroom to wash her face off.

"Damn no one's cracking!!!!!!!!!!" Emmett sighed…he figured Edward might so he went up to him and started shoving French fries in his mouth screaming 'come on baby the train wants to get back into the station!!!'

"Emmett I swear to goats if you touch me again by the end of the day you'll be so fudged up you'll be drinking your blood threw a tube in your stomach!!!!" Edward yelled. Did he just say I swear to goats?

Emmett decided to back off…he didn't trust Edward. Well time to move on to Jazz again…..

He decided to put some straws up Jazz's noise.

"Get the Helen away from me nut!!!" Jazz yelled.

"Ok, I give up you people are getting too boring……let's see what's next on the lis-" before Emmett could finish he puked again…once again it ended up on Carlisle.

"My son needs to go take a hike!!!" Carlisle muttered.

"Oh silly Carlisle, we don't go hiking until number 47."

"47?!?!?!? How many things do you have on that list?" Carlisle asked.

"4000 thousand."

"Oh sugar……."

**Authors note: What the fudge was up with that?!?!? LOL (= **


	34. vote it up

**Authors note: Ok so guys I have a couple ideas but I don't know which one to use…I want to give you three and you guys can vote on which chapter you'd want to hear about so hear we go……**

**(Idea 1) **

"Emmett what's next on the list?" Alice asked.

"Next on the list we go in search of SpongeBob." Emmett said looking at number 3 on the list.

"Emmett we can't do that…SpongeBob's not real." Alice answered talking some sense into him.

"Yah, yah, just like vampire's and werewolf's aren't real."

"You know...he does have a point…..I mean vampire's aren't suppose to be real but they are….so why not SpongeBob?" Jasper reasoned.

"Oh Jazz come on, are you really going to side with Emmett?"

"Well….he does have a pretty interesting point….."

**(Idea 2) **

"So guys next we hit the VMA's." Emmett yelled….everyone seamed pretty happy. Emmett and Jake still wanted to settle there whole Megan Foxx, Britney Spears fight and what better way to settle then to see them in real life?

Esme wanted to meet Brad Pitt and Seth wanted to see Miranda Cosgrove. And of course Alice wanted to pick out everyone's outfits.

"Alice I can see what your thinking and we are not going through this again." Edward yelled.

"Oh relax Edward…you won't have to wear a dress this time…..probably……"

**(Idea 3)**

"So let's just get this over with, what's next on your retched list?" Edward mumbled….might as well just get it over with.

"Well….I kind of need to explain this one first or it won't make any sense." Emmett muttered looking at the paper.

"Oh just get on with it, you never make sense anyway." Edward mumbled…it was kind of true.

"Ok well….have you guys ever like wondered if you could turn an animal into a vampire…like we bite them but we suck all there blood out…wouldn't you love to find out if we could?" Emmett asked….everyone looked confused except for Alice.

"Ooh let's try it, I've always wanted a vamp bunny!!!" Alice screeched.

**Authors note: So those were the ideas…….you can all go vote to pick the one you want and just one more thing I need to say hear, I made a twitter just for the fans if you want to follow me your totally welcome. I'd love to hear from you and see what you guys think…either about the story or just random stuff.. I'm lboocherry there's a link on the profile go cheek it out (= **


	35. Misunderstood

**Authors note: Ok so I got tons of votes yesterday. 6 for #3, 5 for #2, and 2 for #1. I didn't want to disappoint so….were going to try to put them all together…this should be muy interestante lol I know Spanish (= **

"So let's just get this over with, what's next on your retched list?" Edward mumbled….might as well just get it over with.

"Well….I kind of need to explain this one first or it won't make any sense." Emmett muttered looking at the paper.

"Oh just get on with it, you never make sense anyway." Edward mumbled…it was kind of true.

"Ok well….have you guys ever like wondered if you could turn an animal into a vampire…like we bite them but we suck all there blood out…wouldn't you love to find out if we could?" Emmett asked….everyone looked confused except for Alice.

"Ooh let's try it, I've always wanted a vamp bunny!!!" Alice screeched.

**(And so they went to the near by woods…) **

"What the hell am I doing hear?" Bella asked.

"Yah….we're not vampires." Jake added.

"You guys get to watch." Emmett said as he picked up a chipmunk by it's tail. "Now let's test this out." Emmett said as he started to suck the blood out of the animal.

"Emmett stop, too much!!" Carlisle yelled.

"Oops…well let's try again." Emmett said as he took the lizard hanging from the tree and tossed the chipmunk aside.

"What the hell is a lizard doing in the woods?" Bella asked.

"Oh…it's not a lizard it's a snake and- OH MY GOD IT JUST BIT ME!!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled looking at his nose.

"Hum…venom against venom…interesting." Carlisle observed.

"Ouch, it hurts and it's swelling up, Carlisle am I going to die?" Emmett asked starting to get very afraid for his life.

"Well…your already dead so…that takes care for that…I think it's just going to swell."

"Oh this sucks, I knew this was a stupid idea!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"I thought you said it was a good idea?" Edward questioned.

"Well yah…..but that was before I got bit by this stupid thing…let's move on with the list." Emmett said looking down at the next thing on the list….he could barely see with the big snake bit on his face. "Hear Alice, you read it." Emmett said handing her the toilet paper.

"Fine…" Alice said as she looked down at number 4 on the list.

"OMG WE'RE GOING TO THE VAM'S!!!!!" Alice screamed.

"Wait." Emmett said stopping him. "That's number 4? That can't be number four!!!! I can't go t the VMA's looking like this!!!" Emmett cried looking at his nose.

"Megan Foxx will never go out with me now!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Well then….I guess that gives me a better chance then." Jake said taking Emmett's back stage pass.

"NO!!!! This is so unfair!!!!!" Emmett yelled throwing his list on the ground and stomping on it.

"Oh….don't worry Emmett…I have great cover up." Alice sang as she scooped up Bella and Rose for wardrobe. Edward was laughing in the background.

"What's so funny?" Bella asked, confused.

"Oh nothing, just the outfits I saw Alice going through in her head for you." Edward smirked…..it was the girls turn for the makeover….

"Oh don't listen to him Bella, your going to look just like Britney Spears." Alice sang, taking Bella's hand and bringing her to the oversized closet.

"Hey wait, I'm the one who's suppose to look like Britney!!!' Rose yelled following after her…she would have come sooner but she had to get back at Emmet for the whole, 'I'm going to ask out Meagan Foxx crap'.

"Rose my face looked bad enough, was it really necessary for you to give me a black eye?" Emmett asked upset.

"Sorry hun, that's what you get." Rose giggled.

"Hey Alice, do you think you can cover a black eye up too?" Emmett asked....Alice had yet to see his face.

"Ya- um…..maybe we could just get you a paper bag." Alice said ewhen she saw how bad it was.

"Cool..i get to be in disguise." Emmet smirked….he really sounded like an idiot.

**(In Alice's Closet) **

"Damn….i never knew how big this thing really was." Bella said stepping inside.

"Actually, this isn't even half of it…all the winter stuff is on floor 3." Alice said going over the party dress section.

"Alice, are you going to make us look stupid?" Bella asked.

"She means, are you going to make her look stupid." Rose corrected. "I could wear a garbage bag and still look hot."

"You sound just like London." Bella laughed. "It's like twins."

"Actually, I would like to compare myself to Tawny Heart." Rose smirked….if you though about it there were pretty close, pretty, blond, full of themselves yet sometimes kind hearted.

"Alice…you still didn't answer my question." Bella stated.

"Oh…sorry…I got lost in the dress's what were you saying?" Alice asked…she had totally zoned for the last 30 seconds.

"I was asking if I was going to end up looking stupid." Bella repeated.

"Well of course not…no one and I repeat no one dressed by Alice Cullen has ever looked stupid!!!"

"Oh yah…what about Seth last week!!" Bella argued.

"I disagree he still looked hot…even in a dress." Rose argued.

"My point exactly." Alice stated taking out three dresses.

"Bella, it's either this one, that one, or this one." Alice said taking out three lovely blue dresses.

"Blue is defiantly your color." Alice smirked….it was true….or at least that was the color Edward loved her in…..

One dress was short and blue but puffy at bottom…Alice though it was beautiful but Bella didn't want to show off her legs…

"Bella come on it looks great on you." Alice whined.

"I am not going out like this….it's to tight and to short!!!" Bella complained.

"Well Bella, hears what I'm going to say…if we go long your guarantied to trip and hurt yourself…..if we go short- Alice started to say…Bella was looking up at the dress wall not paying her much attention.

"I want to wear that one." Bella yelled…wow her picking out a dress…this was strange….the dress was a royal blue…elegant yet flirty….it had a jewel incrusted top and a light white bow around it's waist.

"Really?" Alice asked….it was way fancier then anything Alice had ever seen Bella wear….

"Yah, it's beautiful." Bella whined taking the dress off the hanger…well this was OCC for her…… **(Picture of dress on Profile) **

As Bella put on her dress Alice moved onto Rose. "Rose I think your best color would defiantly be a light gold." Alice said as she took out dresses for Rose to see.

"Yah…whatever Alice, I can pick out my own dress." Rose said shoving her away.

"Well fine then…don't use my help but when you end up on the worst dressed list don't come crying to me!!!" Alice yelled as she looked for a dress that would suite herself.

"Now my color is defenitly red." Alice said picking up a red gown. "No it's not it's orange!!!" Alice yelled.

"No it's red!!!" She yelled back.

"I say purple!!!"

"Well who asked you?!!?!?!" at this point Alice looked like she needed a tri to the loney bin for all the yelling she was doing.

"Well fine self…don't listen to me." Alice sad sitting down.

"Alice stop acting like an idiot." Rose said coming out in a beautiful light gold, knee length, tube dress with silver on the top followed by a deep, rich gold band around her waist. **(Picture on profile) **

"Now stop moaning and put this on." Rose said tossing Alice a short black ruffle dress. **(I've got a pic of this too)**

"Are you sure this will look good?" Alice asked taking it from her.

"Totally, it's like emo pixy." Rose smirked…interesting combination.

****************

When the girls were done changing it was time to get the boys ready……

"Wow Bells…you look beautiful." Jake smirked… "A little too long though."

"Oh shut up you perv." Bella smirked slapping him.

"You break your hand again?" He asked.

"…..No." She lied.

"I think you look beautiful." Edward smirked kissing her forhead. "Blue really is your color, Alice picked well."

"I picked this out!!" Bella yelled.

"Sure you did." No one believed her….

"You guys are so mean, everyone knows sometimes I pick out fashionable things!!!" Bella yelled.

"Sure you do…." Edward agreed going over to see how Alice was fixing up Emmett.

"Ok….it's not worth it I'm just going with the bag!!!!" Alice yelled putting a paper bag over Emmett's head…he didn't seem to mind much.

"Ok guys let's go!!!" Alice yelled getting into the porch.

"Wait…this isn't right, we need a grand entrance!!! Let's get the fire truck!!!" Alice yelled…well this should be interesting…

**(At the VMA's) **

"Like oh my god pink what the hell!!!" Emmett yelled…how could they both have fire trucks?

As Pink and Emmett started to fight you could hear the news casters say, "Some one has just arrived….we don't know who the hell these people are but there getting out now, one looks almost like Taylor Lautner but it could be anyone……"

"Alice we did we make a red carpet entrance? We're not celebrities!!" Bella yell whispered.

"Shhhh!!! There going to hear you. Just go with it and smile." Alice said threw grinded teeth….

Bella almost made it all the way down the carpet until she fell on her dress…who am I kidding she fell on her dress after only two steps…thank god someone came to help her…but who was that?

"Really getting into character huh Kristen?" Taylor asked helping her up.

"Huh? Kristen? What the hell are you talking about Jacob?" Bella asked actually thinking Taylor Lautner was Jacob.

"Oh, were playing that game again….ok Bella are you ok?" Taylor asked.

"Of course I'm ok Jacob what the hell's wrong with you? What game are you talking about?" Bella asked.

"What's wrong with me? You're the one calling me Jacob….how the hell did you even break your hand? It wasn't like that a minute ago." Taylor examined.

"Well you should know Jacob, I mean you're the one with the hard head you stupid wolf!!" Bella yelled.

"Wolf? What? Are you high again? I swear this place needs to do better drug tests." Taylor complained.

"I am most certainly not high!!!" Bella yelled.

"Ya…that's what you always say…don't worry I'll bring you back to Rob…or as you would say Edward." Taylor smirked lifting her up.

"Jacob put me down!!! I swear to god if I get raped!!!' Bella started yelling.

"If you get raped? Who's the one who snuck into my hotel room last night, crazy?" Taylor butted in…wow looks like he was having some major Kristen issues.

"Me, what? Jacob you must be on something let me go!!!!" Bella yelled biting him.

"Ouch, that hurts stop!!!" Taylor yelled.

"How the hell does that hurt? You're a fucking werewolf for heaven sake!!!!!" Bella yelled.

"Kristen, it's just a role remember…I'm not actually a wolf and Rob isn't a vampire."

"Who's this Rob person you speak of?" Bella asked confused.

"You know…Rob, your secret boyfriend."

"I don't have a secret boyfriend!!!" Bella yelled.

"Yah, yah, you don't have to lie Kristen, there aren't any camera's around." Taylor said as he set her down.

"What's going on?" Rob asked.

"She thinks I'm a wolf again." Taylor moaned leaving the crazy ass with the other crazy ass.

"Oh Edward I'm so glad your hear, Jacob's acting crazy." Bella muttered.

"Oh god….some one let you have pot again didn't they? And right before the damn show!!!" Rob muttered.

"I'm not on pot!!!" Bella yelled.

"Yah…just like you didn't try to rape Taylor last night, listen Kris I love you but if your going to act like this…it's not going to work out." Rob said letting her down gently. "Even if you are the mother of my soon to be children."

"Mother?!?!? I'm not having your children, you can't even have children!!!!" Bella yelled.

"Edward can't have children…I can." Rob stated.

"You are Ed- oh you know what…never mind…I'm just going to go over there……" Bella pouted…this must have been so confusing for her…poor girl.

**(Back with the real Jacob) **

Jake had decided to take his chance and go behind stage……..he was looking desperately for Megan Foxx's dressing room. When he found it he started jumping up and down so crazily she opened the door.

"Shit, you again…" She whined. "Look Taylor, you're a cute kid and all…but your not 18….you really need to stop humping my dressing room door I don't care how much you love me."

"Wait what? I wasn't humping the door!!" Jake yelled.

"Yah, yah that's what you said last time I caught you…." Meagan said closing the door…well there went Jacob's chances…that was odd and who the hell was Taylor?!?!?

After that Jacob decided to go back to Alice who was holding back Rose who was about to attach Whitney Port for stealing her dress idea.

"Oh come on Alice let her go….I love it when the dumb blonds fight." Jacob smirked…..he shouldn't have called them dumb…..all of the sudden they were facing him…..

"NO, I was just kidding about the dumb blond thing…stop it with the fake nails!!!! Ouch it burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

After Alice got bored of watching them kill Jacob she went outside to grab Emmett….after all the awards were about to start.

**Authors note: Ok so that was VMA's part 1 don't worry if your looking for SpongeBob he will come…just not until Vma's part 2 please review…….oh btw sorry if I offended any Kristen, Rob, Taylor, or Megan fans…it was just for the funny and I have nothing against them….Kristen could be better though anyways just had to put that in there and anything u want 2 c happen at the VMA's tell me (= **


	36. new story idea

Hey guys, you may or may not already know that I have a new story out. I love writing this one but I have horrible writers block right now, anyways though I'm writing a new Halloween story because well you'd think It'd be a big deal for vampires and wolfs, it'll be pretty funny and I've worked pretty hard on the first chapter, in fact I've read it over 3 times before posting it which absolutely never happens but anyways though if you go and read that one and tell me what you think I'll get another chapter up for this one by Tuesday.


	37. you got the stuff?

**Authors note: Hey guys I know I haven't updated this in a while but 1 I've been working on the other story and 2 I had major writers block!!! Anyways though I still love you all, really hope your having a great day and please review so I'll write more…**

**(Emmett's POV) **

Unfortunately after cops found out about my whole fight with Pink, Madonna, and Kanye we all kicked out of the VMA's so….I guess it was time to move on with the list.

"I can't believe you got us all kicked out of the VMA's Emmett!!!" Alice yelled…she was pissed.

"I know we didn't even get to see any of it!!" Jasper pouted.

"I'm glad were out of there….too many Edwards." Bella moaned.

"Oh Bella, how many times to I have to tell you I am the one and only Edward." Edward said, trying to knock some sense into her. She was going insane right now, I don't know maybe someone slipped her some crack or something at the show….I wonder if vampires can get high…I guess will find out when we get to number 43 on the list…that shall be interesting…anyway though back to the list…hey wait…getting highs the 4th thing on the list….not the 43rd……looks like we'll get to find out sooner then I thought…oh we should try to get drunk at the same time…..

"Guys it's time to get drunk and high!!" I yelled…they looked afraid.

"Well…I have to go to work now." Carlisle muttered trying to get out of the room.

"I don't think so." I said grabbing him by the shirt collar. "You're the only one here over 21 and we need you to buy the beer." I smiled.

"Oh shit." Carlisle pouted.

"Well…that is unless Esme wants to do it…" I smirked.

"You heard him Carlisle, off to the liquor store." Esme said, pushing him…guess she didn't want to do it…whatever, as long as we got the stuff who cares.

**(Carlisle's POV at the liquor store) **

I could not believe I was doing this…. I have never been in a liquor store in my life…..And the worst part of it…when I walked in I saw that one of my nurse's husbands worked there. 'Walk out Carlisle, walk out while you still can!!!' I thought….I was about to back right out of that damn place until Joe yelled, "Oh hey Carlisle, what are you doing here? Need help?"

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!!! Quick, answer him before he thinks your insane!!! "Oh hey Joe…I…I just came here to…to…uh….buy some….buy some beer." I answered.

"Oh that's kind of ironic, don't you think? The doctor who pumped out my stomach for alcohol poisoning is here buying alcohol." He laughed.

"Oh it's not for me." I stated quickly…I really didn't want to ruin my clean doctor image. "It's for my kids."

"Uh…aren't your kids underage?" He asked.

"No…what makes you say that?" I asked.

"Oh…no reason…I just thought they were juniors in high school." He stated….oh shit I was really digging myself into a deep hole here.

"Well yah….there only juniors because they're really stupid….they've been left back a lot." I answered…how dumb did that sound?

"I thought they were strait A students…"

"Look will you just give me my damn beer already!?!?!" I yelled…I was not making myself look any better. I hope he didn't tell his wife about this but, who was I kidding? I'd be the headline in the paper tomorrow. I can just see it now, "Our favorite doctor now turned psycho alcoholic."

"Um…sure here's your stuff." He said, looking sort of afraid…..well time to make a break for it…..

***************

"Did you get the stuff?" Emmett asked when I was outside.

"Gosh Emmett, you sound like a freaking druggie." I mumbled.

"That reminds me….we need to go to the drug dealers next."

"Oh god….."

**Authors note: This is getting crazy…poor Carlisle )= sorry if it wasn't funny guys...i try anyway though the next chapter will be better and longer. Please, please, please read my Halloween story and leave a review it's actually pretty good (= **


	38. it's pretty bad when emmett looks normal

**Authors note: Since you guys were all so disappointed that the last chapter was sooo short I figured I'd start writing a long one so here's to a very long ass chapter, the way stories should be. Long and full of weird crap LOL btw I was sort of inspired by a Shane Dawson video to write this chapter…um if you guys remember the one, I think it was called '****Either she's hot or I'm drunk****'. Anyways I was bored and I was watching it over again yesterday and though hey I wonder what the Cullen's would be like drunk so I decided to write this…I didn't really take any of his idea's or anything though the video just sort of inspired me. If you guys haven't seen it it's pretty funny so I'd recommend. If you have no idea who Shane is then get your ass on YouTube cause you've been living under a fucking rock for the past year LOL anyway we should get on with the story now……..**

**WARNING: Involves Edward being even more overprotective then usual, Alice giving makeovers with a stapler, Rosalie leaving Emmett for a plant, Bella giving everyone strange nick names involving foods, and much, much more. **

Once Carlisle got the beer, tequila, and whine it was time to go to the drug dealers. No where do you find a drug dealer you ask? Emmett knew where to go……

"Emmett where the hell are we going?" Edward asked...they had made there way into a dark ally and Edward was getting a little overprotective of Bella…yet again. "Bella watch out, oh my god can you see where you're going? Bella are you ok? Oh my god you're going to fall and split your head open!!" Edward yelled spastically.

"Relax Eddie, loosen up, I'm fine." She said stepping in front of him and stumbling onto the ground.

"Oh great, this is just perfect!! Emmett you gave her a can of beer didn't you? Beer and uncordination do not mix!!!" He yelled.

"Oh relax Eddiekins, he gave me cola not beer." Bella said showing him he can. "See, co-la." She pronounced.

"Bella…that says Coors not Cola." Edward sighed taking the can away from her.

"Gasp, OMG Emypoo lied to me!!!" She cried.

"What's up with the weird nick names?" Jake asked.

"I think it's a side effect of the whole drunk thing…" Edward muttered pulling the can of beer out of Bella's reach.

"Come on Edwardo just one more, I've only had twelve." Bella pleated.

"Twelve?" Edward asked astonished.

"She means two." Emmett lied, trying to make him self look better…or at least less horrible.

"Sure Emypoo." Bella laughed tripping backwards and landing in Jacobs arms.

Jake seamed pleased with this. "Hey crazy." He laughed.

"OMG Jakeypumpkin you want to make out?" Bella asked.

Jake was about to say yes until Edward pulled Bella away saying, "No taking advantage f the drunk, pervert."

"I was going to say no…" Jake muttered….Edward wasn't buying it….stupid mind reading abilities….

"Eddiekins, I can't believe you won't let me have sex with Jakeypumpkin." Bella pouted.

"Where does this whole pumpkin thing come from?" Jake asked, confused by his nickname.

"Oh Jakeypumpkin you know you have a big head, don't even try to hide it." Bella snickered……Bella drunk was strange.

"Ok Bella's obviously the horny drunk of the group…I wonder who the funny one is, who the retarded one is and who the bad mean ass drunk is." Emmett mumbled…. He was starting to pass beers around so I guess they were about to find out.

"Oh my God!!!" Rose yelled.

"What?" Emmett asked.

"I can't drink this, the can doesn't match my nails!!" Rose yelled.

Emmett thought for a minute, and finally decided that maybe if she was drunk she'd be less irritating so he took the can and poured the liquid down her throat.

"Em….sto….uhh…oh my god!!!!" Rose choked.

"Sorry babe, it was for your own good." Emmett said taking a sip.

"You know Emmett…she might be the bad drunk." Edward smirked.

"Don't even say that!!" Emmett cried….thank god Edward was wrong….Rose was just insane.

"Hey, you see that guy over there?" Rose asked Alice.

"Are you looking at that rose bush?" Alice asked.

"Isn't he hot?" Rose asked.

"Um….he's a plant." Alice said walking away.

"Whatever, I'm going to go talk to him." Rose said going over to the rose bush.

"Emmett, I think your losing your woman to a plant." Edward laughed.

"At least I'm not losing my girl to a dog." Emmett laughed.

"What are you talking about?" Edward asked.

"Oh...why don't you turn around and find out." Emmett snickered.

"Oh Jacob I'm going to kill you." Edward whispered…little did he know Emmett wasn't talking about Jacob, but an actual dog…..Boy was he surprised when he turned around to find Bella making out with a poodle.

"What the hell Bella?!?!?"

"What….he's hot….." Bella blushed.

"Ok first of all….he is a she." Edward pointed out.

"Ha, Bella's a lesbian!!!" Jasper laughed…he was now drunk as well.

"Hey Ali you want to give Eddie a makeover?" Bella asked changing the subject.

"Yeah!!! I'll get the chocolate cake and the stapler!!!" Alice yelled…god knows what she was thinking about.

"Eddiepoo?" Bella asked.

"Yes dear?" Edward asked worried what her question might be.

"Can you hear what dogs are thinking?" She asked.

"Um….well if you mean Jacob then yes but actual animals…I don't think so." Edward answered, wondering why she would ask such a thing.

"Oh too bad…I wanted to know if the dog was having a good time." Bella answered, walking off.

"I'm just going to pretend I didn't even hear that one." Edward said walking away.

"Oh Edward get your butt over hear, it's time for your makeover!!!" Alice yelled chasing him with the stapler.

"Alice go away!!" Edward yelled running down the street…nearly getting hit by a car.

**(Bella's POV) **

After I drank the soda everyone else started doing it too. Ali, and Jazwardo, and Even Rosie rosebush. It was getting so crazy, Ali got out her stapler to give Eddie a makeover….and Eddie almost got hit by a car. I made out with a dog….who actually turned out to be a girl and Rose fell in love with a plant. Emmy got out his camera and started recording us all.

I wondered if I was going to remember any of this later….I probably wouldn't want any of this videotaped but whatever…time to party.

I got on top of the plant Rose was making out with and made an announcement. "Attention peeps I'm gonna go see Mike New- whatever his name is." I yelled.

"Get your hands off my man…" Rosie rosebush yelled, pushing me half down the block…well that's less walking I had to do right?

I walked for about…hell I don't know how long, but it was far when I realized I had no idea how to get to Mike what's his names house. You know maybe his name was Milo…yah that sounded more like it. Milo Newtown…yeah that sounded good…

As I was walking though some car stopped me… "You'll never catch me coppers!!!!" I yelled running off…but of course falling head firs into the pavement.

"Bella relax, it's just me." Daddy said…oh it was Daddy….maybe he could tell me where Milo Newtown lived.

"Daddy, do you know where Milo Newtown lives?" I asked.

"Um….do you mean Mike Newton?" He asked.

"…No, I'm pretty sure it's Milo Newtown." I answered…ooh I should tell him about my day.

"Daddy guess what I kissed a dog and I liked it, taste of it's biscuit breath, I kissed a dog just to try it, hope my vampy don't mind it." I sang.

"Bella are you alright?" Daddy asked.

"Of course Daddy, what ever could be wrong?" I asked.

"Are you drunk?" He asked.

"Um…no." I lied.

"Bella, now I would ask you to walk a strait line…but you cant do that normally…so if your really not drunk you should be able to recite your ABC's." He ordered…hum…ABC's? Oh yeah, the numbers, I can do that.

"A C B D Q F G M I K J L O P N Z" I sang. "Did I get it right?" I asked.

"Yeah….um…..not even close." He sighed. "Bella how much beer did you drink?" He asked me.

"What's beer?" I asked.

"Damn this is insane." Daddy sighed.

(Alice's POV)

I was following my little bro around with my makeup implements but he kept running away….I guess he just didn't want a makeover…how sad.

(Emmett's POV)

"Rose stop humping the plant!!! Jacob that is not a girl that's Seth!!!! Ewe Esme, Carlisle get a room!!! Jasper get off of that roof you can not fly!!!" I yelled…Damn these people were insane drunk…They actually made me look normal….I didn't like this much though, I was being forced to take care of them.

"Alice for the last time no running around with staplers, Edward does not want a makeover!!!" I yelled…..gosh Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, Jake, Seth, Rose and Bel- wait Bella, oh my god we lost Bella!!!

"Edward we lost Bella!!!" I yelled. Before anyone could panic a police car came into our driveway. "Oh God did she rob a store or something?" I thought to myself…god knows with Bella.

"Oh Emmett." A familiar voice called. "Hey Charlie…." I muttered. "Am I going to jail again?" I asked. Charlie didn't speak, he was too busy staring at the strange sights taking place.

***********************

**Authors note; OK so I guess this wasn't too, too long…I though there was going ton be more but I was running out of idea…tell m what you guys think and if you want a part 2 or if you'd rather just move onto the net thing**


	39. what happened last night?

**Authors note: Since you all loved the crazy drunk people so much and wanted a part two I figured why not so here we go…..**

**(Charlie's POV)**

Since my daughter was way over the legal limit I decided to take her home…but first I needed some answers out of her.

"Bella, who gave you the beer?" I asked, trying to stay calm…it was hard to do when you had a crazed 17year old drunk girl sitting next to you, nervously pressing the window button up and down.

"Daddy what does this do?" Bella asked pointing to the door handle.

"That opens the door, I suggest you don't touch it considering were on the highw- Before I could finish my sentence I realized my daughter was hanging half out of the car.

"Bella are you ok?" I asked pulling over.

"It's cold…" Bella muttered as she began to laugh.

"I'd think it would be, your are hanging out of a moving vehicle." I sighed pulling her back in.

"Daddy I need a jacket!!!" Bella yelled.

"I don't have a jacket." I answered her.

"Yes you do, I bet you just don't want to give it to me your hiding it in the glove compartment aren't you!!!" Bella yelled…..I sighed again…this was nuts. I couldn't deal with her like this….instead of going home I went to the Cullen's….maybe they'd have some answers.

***********************

When I got there I almost ran over Edward…he was running down the street like a mad man yelling, "I don't want to be stapled!!!" Whatever the hell that meant…probably some nasty sex term or something….

As I walked in everyone was acting insane. Jasper was on the roof about to jump…I always knew he'd be one to kill himself….but anyway that wasn't even the craziest thing I saw, Jake was chasing after Seth trying to get him to take his pants off while Rosalie was kissing a plant…and Carlisle and Esme were doing much more then that on the ground….The only one who looked ok was Emmett who was video taping it all.

"Emmett what the hell is going on?" I asked very confused.

"Well you see-" Emmett started to say…but I stopped him.

"You know what…I probably don't want to know." I muttered. "Look, I have Bella here, she's going insane…I don't want to deal with her, you did this…so she can stay here with you guys." I said walking off.

"Does that mean I'm not arrested?" Emmett asked.

"Emmett you've already been to jail twice this week…I don't feel like dealing with you there again." I said.

"Well ok, have a nice night then." Emmett answered taking Bella by the arm.

*********************

**(Emmett's POV) **

Charlie had brought Bella back over which just gave me even more damn people to take care of.

"Emmy did anyone ever tell you your kinda sexy." Bella said as she started unbuttoning my shirt.

"Um…yes…Bella stop…your so weird…. This is so wrong…Bella your my brothers girlfriend…Isabella Marie Swan I swear to god if you touch one more button I will tie you to that tree!!" I yelled trying to stop her.

"Ooh that sounds like fun, I've never had sex on a tree before." Bella laughed.

"Oh, well it's surprisingly more painful then you'd think, there are tons of splinters coming off of those things you have to pick them off for weeks- and what the hell am I talking to you about this for!!!" I yelled stopping myself from rambling…hey Edward wasn't drunk yet…maybe he could help me.

"Edward!!! Your girlfriends trying to seduce me, could you please get over here?!?!?" I yelled…he was over in less then a second.

I was glad to be rid of her…but I also had more important things to worry about…Like Jake getting to Seth.

"Jacob he doesn't want you, go away!!!" I yelled…it wasn't working though…all of a sudden I saw the absolute strangest sight of my life….Seth had turned into a wolf in his desperate attempt to get away and Jake did the same…before you knew it the Jake wolf was humping the Seth one just like two dogs at a dog park…poor Seth…he probably never though his first time would be like this…..

Speaking of people doing inappropriate things I wondered what Esme and Carlisle were up to….Before I could even guess I tripped over them…now that was awkward…Im glad I didn't get this on camera.

***********************************

**(The next morning)**

"Since your all sober now-" Emmett started to say.

"UHH Emmett stop yelling." Bella whispered, holding an ice pack to her head.

"Oh I forgot….SOMEONE HAS A HANGOVER!!!!!" Emmett yelled as loud as he possibly could.

"You suck balls." Bella muttered.

"Nope….actually I'm not the one switching teams." Emmett laughed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Bella asked.

"Are you seriously going to tell me you don't remember your lesbian moment?" Emmett asked smiling.

"What lesbian moment?" Both Edward and Bella asked in unison.

"Oh….you don't remember when you made out with…"

"With who?" Bella asked.

"…No one." Emmett laughed.

"Ha Bella kissed a girl!!" Jake laughed.

"I wouldn't be laughing dog boy…you were thinking Seth was pretty hot last night." Emmett laughed….ah talking about people was so much fun.

"NO!!" Jacob mumbled.

"Um hum." Emmett sighed.

"Idiot!!!" Rose laughed.

"I wouldn't be laughing miss 'that bush over there is looking pretty hot'." Emmett quoted.

"What?" Rose asked.

"Here, I'll put in the tape." Emmett said.

***********************

**(Twenty minutes and some tear jerking moments later) **

"What the hell was I thinking?" Alice asked….. "Staplers do not remove wrinkles."

"You find this out now." Edward sighed, plucking the staples out of his eyebrows.

"I can't believe I was almost arrested by my father." Bella sighed.

"Bells, if you wanted to make out with a dog I would have gladly volunteered." Jake told her.

"Hey, I asked you first…Edward wouldn't let me." Bella answered.

"Did we seriously do that outside?" Esme asked Carlisle.

"According to this we did…." Carlisle sighed.

"Oh…so that's why there were so many leafs in my hair…" Rose mumbled, picking some of them out.

"I feel bad for Seth." Bella muttered.

"I can still taste him on my lips." Jake mumbled.

"Ewe…" Bella mumbled backing away.

"Ha, Jake lost it to a dude!!" Edward laughed.

"Oh shut up virgin boy!!!" Jake yelled. "At least Seth didn't try to leave me for someone else in my family!!"

"What are you talking about?" Edward asked…trying to forget about the Emmett incident.

"I think we should all vow never to drink again!!!" Bella yelled.

"Especially you!!" Edward yelled.

"I think I should go apologize to my dad." Bella answered.

"Yah..."

"Hey where's Jasper?" Alice asked.

**Authors note: ummmm well that was strange….what do you guys think? **


	40. just something i needed to say

**Authors note: Hey guys if you've been following me on twitter you know I'm pretty pissed right now…I got 7 hate comments on this in the past hour. The worst part is they're not even about the story, I mean I could totally understand if you hate my opinion, if fact I'd respect that. The thing I don't like is that these comments were about my spelling. As you all know I sometimes get things like hear and here and their and there confused. The thing is I really struggle with that crap. If you're rubbing it in and insulting my intelligence by telling me I write like a mentally retarded first grader then that's just rude, I know I spell things wrong sometimes but it just bothers me when people rub it in, and actually take the time to tell me each word I spelled wrong in each chapter and how stupid I am. I'm sorry I'm kind of just ranting here guys but I'm pissed and it's been a bad week and I just don't want to deal with people right now. I wish that person had the balls to give a return address, then I wouldn't be telling you guys about all this crap. I'm really, truly sorry I'm just ranting like crazy here guys but I had to get this out…I was actually going to start writing another chapter right now but I'm just too upset so Idk when another one will be up….maybe Tuesday…**


	41. Emmett plus handcuffs equals not good

**Authors note: Awe you guys are sooooooooo awesome, you all really made me feel better so I decided to hurry up and write another chapter as your reward I guess LOL anyway though what did happen to Jasper? We shall see………**

"Where is Jasper?" Alice asked once again, looking around. He was no where in sight.

"I do not know." Emmett answered looking around with her…pretty soon everyone was up.

"Should we go on a search?" Alice asked.

"Yah, let's team up." Emmett answered. "Bella with Rose…Jake with Edward…Alice and Esme and Carlisle with me." Emmett said setting up teams…damn could he pick them any worse?

"There is no way I'm going with him!" Edward and Jake yelled at the same time.

"Oh come on guys, you all have to work together." Emmett said as he took out handcuffs and cuffed everyone together.

"Ewe I have a hundred pound bracelet of ugly and bad taste stuck to my beautiful wrist!!" Rose yelled.

"Excuse me?" Bella yelled, defending herself.

"Oh sorry." Rose muttered.

"Thank you."

"I meant to say two hundred pounds." Rose corrected herself.

"Not funny!" Bella yelled.

"Oh would you guys stop yelling?!?! We have to find my Jazzypoo!!!" Alice yelled.

"You're the one yelling now." Rose sighed, bored with everyone, looking at her perfectly polished sexy red nails.

"Can't we all just get along?!?!?" Emmett yelled running away…and unfortunately dragging Carlisle along with him.

"Ah Emmett would you stop running!!!" Carlisle yelled smacking him upside the head.

"Ouch!!" Emmett yelled.

"Oh you know that didn't hurt!!"

"I know, I only said that for dramatic affect." Emmett answered rubbing his head.

"Emmett get these stupid ass handcuffs off of us!!!" Rose pouted, shaking her cuffed wrist violently.

"Easy!!!" Edward yelled stopping Rose from trying to chop off Bella's hand.

"Thank you." Bella smiled.

"Oh would everyone stop fighting so we can find Jazz already?" Alice asked nicely.

"…..Fine." Everyone eventually agreed.

"I still want to get a divorce." Edward muttered to Jacob.

"That's not until thing 12." Emmett answered.

"You actually wrote that down?" Jake asked.

"Yeah…but before that we still have to babysit, put on a fashion show, see what it's really like to go shopping with Alice, and get Esme her new lamp." Emmett answered. "Oh and I want to go cliff diving!"

"You can do that last one but I'm not letting Bella anywhere near those retched things." Edward stated…making sure he made himself clear.

"Oh Edward your so mean!!" Bella pouted…strangely enough she wanted to try it again. She looked over to Jake to see what he was thinking.

"I have to agree with the leech for once Bells…you plus cliff equals not good." Jake answered. Bella looked disappointed. "But if you want to see how it's really done feel free to come down to the beach in a cute bikini anytime, actually screw that we can always go to the nude beach." Jake smiled.

"Watch it mutt, I'm standing less then a foot away from you and can hurt you at anytime." Edward sneered, obviously not approving of Jacobs thoughts…or even words for that matter.

"Oh yeah, yeah you can only use one hand what the hell are you going to do, pinch me?" Jake asked sarcastically….unfortunately for him that's exactly what he did.

"OUCH!!! That hurt!!!" Jacob yelled rubbing his arm.

"You asked for it." Edward smirked.

"I'm in an abusive relationship!!" Jake muttered. Bella laughed.

"Come on guys back to looking for Jazzy!!" Alice yelled.

Everyone got looking….Emmett and Carlisle were assigned to house, while Bella and Rose had the woods, Edward and Jake went down town, and Esme and Alice searched the yard.

****************

**(Emmett and Carlisle) **

"Where do you think he could be?" Carlisle asked when they got inside.

"Hum…I say we cheek under all the beds." Emmett answered as they both started walking in opposite directions, but were stopped by the handcuffs.

"You know, this would have been a lot easier if we could spilt up." Carlisle signed.

"….You're probably right." Emmett said now thinking about it…..

***************

**(Edward and Jacob)**

"I can't believe we have to walk around town like this." Edward sighed covering his face as people pasted them, Jake on the other had didn't seem too phased…well until they ran into someone they knew.

"Wow Jake, really taking this whole 'joined in marriage' thing a bit seriously aren't we?" Leah smirked….she was out shopping with Emily and they were both laughing hysterically at the sight.

"Hate to see what there doing in private if there this close in public." Emily snickered.

"Shut up!!" Jake yelled. "And FYI I am getting a divorce in 7-10 days, so there!!" Jake yelled.

"Um hum…sure…so why are you guys handcuffed together anyway?" Emily asked, truly confused.

"My idiot brother." Edward answered.

"Oh wow….." Leah smirked looking at Emily as they both burst into laughter again.

"Hey mommy look at those gay dudes." A little kid said pointing to Edward and Jacob.

"We are not gay!!!" Jacob yelled, stamping his foot…which totally made him look gay.

"Could you please shut up? Your making us look even worse!!!" Edward pouted…his pout made him look gay too, but Jake was a little too worried about something else to even bother him about it.

"Edward…" Jacob started.

"What?" Edward asked, afraid of what was to come next.

"I have to go to the bathroom….." Jacob informed him.

"Oh joy." Edward muttered sarcastically.

****************

**(Bella and Rose) **

"I wonder if this nail file can saw your hand off….with enough force I'm sure anything is possible." Rose smirked.

"What did I do to get myself into this mess?" Bella asked the sky.

"Simple….you decided to date my brother." Rose answered. "If only he were gay like we all thought…then I wouldn't have to deal with you." Rose pouted.

"You guys used to think Edward was gay?" Bella asked, astonished.

"Well…you can't blame us…before you he never even looked at girls so…we just sort of figured." Rose answered.

"Wow…..so where do you think Jasper is?" Bella asked changing the subject.

"Uh I don't know….but he's probably not in the woods….I say we look around a couple of trees and call it a day." Rose said as she started walking away without giving Bella notice; which, of course made her land head first into the dirty, mossy, bug infested forest ground.

"Uh could you like maybe not fall over everything?" Rose asked pulling Bella back up.

"I'm sorry my klutziness annoys you." Bella replied.

"Yeah….you should be sorry." Rose answered self-centeredly.

*****************

**(Emmett and Carlisle) **

"Ok so he's not under any of the beds, though we did find a whole bunch of other stuff I really don't feel like discussing." Carlisle said, glairing at Emmett. "I mean seriously what the hell were you doing with the….oh you know what never mind, I could just imagine with your perverted mind."

"You can see what I'm thinking?" Emmett asked. "Since when do you have Edward's power? Oh I know he sneezed on you and some of his power went into your brain didn't it?" Emmett asked.

"That didn't even make sense….." Carlisle sighed.

"Sure it didn't."

"Oh Emmett, sometimes you make me question how we could possibly be related." Carlisle sighed.

"Ahh Carlisle…actually we're not actually related." Emmett informed him.

"Oh yeah….."

********************

**(Edward and Jacob) **

"Are you sure you can't hold it?" Edward asked, looking at Jacob desperately….though he knew what the answer was going to be before Jacob even said it. "Uh fine….i guess we can go." Edward sighed.

********************

**Authors note: Ok guys I know this is kind of short but there will be a part 2…where do you guys think** **Jasper is?**


	42. Cell phone troubles

**Authors note: OMG the reviews you guys leave really make me laugh, I love you all please keep leaving reviews….**

**Warning: awkward moments in a bathroom are about to occur….. **

**(Edward's POV) **

No one could ever imagine how strange it would be to walk into a bathroom with someone handcuffed to your arm…..As if that wasn't bad enough we ended up going in the wrong one.

"I can't believe we were in the woman's restroom!!!" Jacob yelled at me.

"Well I'm sorry, I though the one with the dress was for guys." I answered.

"How the hell does that make any sense?" Jake asked…he was right…

"I don't know." I answered. "But whatever you could have still gone pee in there, I don't see what your problem was." I answered.

"I'm sorry but I'd rather not use a restroom that has a tampon dispenser on the wall!!" Jake yelled.

"I thought they sold napkins not tampons." I answered.

"That's just a different name dumbass!!! Anyway though can we please look for the men's bathroom, I still really have to piss." Jake answered….oh god, I could have spent my day with Bella but no, I spend it handcuffed to a wolf with bladder of a toddler.

"Where do you think they put the men's restroom?" Jake asked.

"Um…I don't know let's go ask that guy over there." I said, pointing to a worker. "Excuse me sir but would you be able to tell us where the men's restroom is located?" I asked.

"Um…it's down the stairs to the left." He answered.

"Thank you." I said as we started walking away….he stopped us.

"You guys aren't going to have any gay sex in there are you?" The man asked.

"Um…..no." I answered…that was a strange question.

"Oh…too bad, you guys are sexy, I wouldn't mind joining you." He said.

"Um…..thank……you." I said as we started walking away. This is the last time I ever come into this place.

"That was weird." Jake said awkwardly.

"Um hum." I muttered now really wanting to talk about it….

When we finally got into the men's restroom we had yet another problem.

"I can not go if you're staring at me." Jake sighed….great now we're going to be in here even longer.

"I'm not staring at you." I answered…why the hell would I want to watch him pee?

"Yes you are!!" Jake whined….damn this dog was annoying.

"Well it's not like I can turn around." I muttered.

"Then close your eyes."

"I don't understand why your getting so worked up about this…you walk around naked in front of people all the time."

"You've been watching me?" Jake asked, stunned.

"Of course not!" I stated.

"Then how would you know?"

***************************

** (Jake's POV) **

Damn was Edward some kind of idiot or what? First he makes us walk into the girl's bathroom, then he asks me what a tampon dispenser is…is he clueless or something? He's been around hundreds of years you think he would know this crap. I mean seriously why would the men's bathroom have a picture of a girl in a dress on it and say chica at the bottom…he claims he didn't know cause it was in Spanish yeah right…he's just as stupid as Emmett…he just hides it better….or maybe he thought he was a girl…I mean he is a freaking gay guy magnet…..it would make sense.

Anyway though that's not even the worst part, going into the wrong restroom sure that's embarrassing but peeing in front of people is even worse….I mean I'm totally fine walking around naked but peeing in front of people just freaks me out….especially a freaking mind reading vampire who wont turn around when you ask him to…..god he was annoying, and now I'm pretty sure he was a stalker……..I mean how the hell did he know I walked around naked? Oh my god I wonder if he has pictures……

Before I could even think about it my phone started ringing….damn could that thing have any worse timing or what?

"Edward could you answer that?" I asked….I was a little preoccupied at the moment.

"Uh I guess where is it?" He asked.

"……In my pants- I started to say.

"Ewe that's disgusting, there is no way I'm putting my hand in there!!!" Edward answered.

"In my pants pocket idiot…god you should have let me finish me sentence!!!" I yelled…what kind of idiot did he think I was?

"Oh…ok." He said as he tried to take the phone out of my back pocket with his one usable hand.

"Why are you touching my ass?" I asked feeling uncomfortable.

"I was trying to get your phone smart one." Edward muttered taking it out of my back pocket.

"Oh……" I said as I finished with my business.

"How the hell do you open this…oh my god, I can't do this with one hand!!!" Edward yelled and all of the sudden my poor phone ended up in the urine filled toilet.

"You dropped it in there you get it out." I said looking at Edward.

"Ewe…I don't want to put my hand in there!!" Edward yelled looking truly disgusted.

"You drop it you get it!" I ordered….surprisingly enough it was still ringing.

After a couple of moments of hesitation Edward reluctantly bent down to stick his hand in the toilet….unfortunately it was impossible to pick it up with one hand.

"This is so disgusting!!" Edward groaned as he fished his hand trough the toilet. All I could do was laugh at his misery.

*****************

**(Emmett's POV) **

"Hum…that's strange…no ones picking up." I muttered to Carlisle. I had been calling Edward and Jake for almost ten minutes….I wanted to ask them if they had caught sight of Jasper anywhere but they weren't answering the damn phone.

"They must be busy looking…why don't we go cheek Alice's closet…..maybe Jazz got lost somewhere in there." Carlisle answered.

"Hum…cant hurt." I said as we walked inside. Damn that place was like a whole other world….and it looked as big as our mall…maybe bigger. "Uhhh Carlisle it's going to take us forever to search through all of this crap!!" I groaned.

"You should have thought about that before you got everyone drunk." Was all he could answer…..though I guess that was true but still…he didn't have to rub it in.

"You had to admit…it was pretty funny though." I said as we walked deeper into the cloths filled room.

"I take the fifth." Carlisle stated….yeah he thought it was funny he just didn't want to say anything….loser.

"Where are we going?" I asked now looking around…it was like a maze and we walked so far in I couldn't even see the door. Carlisle was frozen in place…I stopped to see what he was looking at.

"Is that a laser?" He asked pointing to a gigantic beam.

"……With Alice, anything is possible." The next thing we knew a voice came on….it sounded like Alice but much more frightening.

"This is the closet of the awesome one, to step further please recite the secret password." It said.

"Carlisle?"

"Yeah?"

"You wouldn't happen to know what the secret password was, would you?" I asked.

"Not a clue."

"I say we guess…..is it muffin?" I asked the computer voice recording.

"Password incorrect….access denied." It said as a giant net came and scooped us up.

"Muffin?" Carlisle asked, sneering at me.

"Hey….you never know." I said defending myself.

"This is the last time I ever listen to you." He sighed.

"Oh you know you still love me."

"Not really!!!" OMG my daddy didn't love me?!?!?! ……Well I couldn't blame him…I mean he was handcuffed to me hanging ten feet in the air stuck in a closet.

"How do you think we get out of here?" I asked.

"Why don't we call Alice." He said…that would have been a good idea….if I hadn't dropped my cell phone over ten minutes ago….

"Emmett?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have your cell phone do you?"

"…..No."

**(Alice's POV) **

Esme and I were looking for Jasper under the beach chair when my intruder alert went off.

"OMG someone's trying to take things out of my closet!!!!" I yelled.

"Maybe Jasper's in there." Esme answered.

"Maybe….." I said as I started running for the house.

"Alice wait!!!" Esme yelled. Oh god what now?

"If your husband's safe in there then we can stop looking…he's probably in the net so we can get him at anytime, right?" She asked…I guessed so.

"What are you getting at?" I asked….it seemed like she had an interior motive.

"Oh…..nothing I just thought it would be a perfect time to go back to home depot and get my new lamp….or better yet we could probably get an even cheaper one at Wal-Mart…I heard they were having a sale." Did she just say what I think she just said? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled trying to pull away.

"YESSSS!!!!!" Now come on." Esme said, grabbing my arm…..damn that evil woman…..

*****************************

**(Esme's POV) **

I was so happy I was in control of Alice….now I could finally get what I have been wanting all along….Now just to figure out how to drive with one hand…I don't think this was going to be easy…..

"You do know your going to crash your car if you try to drive with one hand." Alice informed me.

"I know….that's why we're taking yours….." I laughed evilly.

"NOOOOOOOOO AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Alice yelled hysterically…ha, this was fun.

**************************

**(Bella's POV) **

I sat on a rock as Rose took her 'nail break' this was just horrible. I wondered what Edward was doing right now….He had to be doing better then I was. I had been sitting on this rock for twenty minutes because apparently when Rose's watch went off it meant it was time to, 'gloss, floss, cheek the nails and flip the hair'. How crazy was she?

"Do you think my hair looks ok?" Rose asked….before I could answer she said, "Never mind…I can't ask you about hair…I mean not when your doing that whole rats nest thing."

"Excuse me, my hair is not a rat's nest!!!" I yelled, defending myself.

"Yeah it is…your just in denial."

"I am not!!"

"Are too!!!"

"Am not!!!"

"Are too!!!!"

**Authors note: Ok so we shall end this chapter there…what did you guys think? What was your favorite part? Who do you feel the worst for? I want to say Edward but idk everyone has it pretty bad…tell you what if most of you leave a review that doesn't just say LOL or I love it and you take the time to write a full sentence saying what you liked then you'll get the next chapter up tomorrow. Love you all please, please review (=**


	43. just thought id let you know

**Authors note: OMG Edward's got his hand in a toilet, Alice is headed to Wal-Mart, Esme's trying to drive with one hand, Emmett and Carlisle are stuck in Alice's closet trap, Bella's stuck with Rosalie, and Jasper is still nowhere to be seen….this is not going to be good……but before we get back to that which I promise we will get to I have an interesting new story up. I mostly only write comedy but I wanted to try something a little darker. Summary: **_**We all know when Edward leaves Bella she falls into a deep depression…what if it had gotten even worse? Would anyone be able to fix her or would she end up dead? **_What do you guys think? Sound interesting? Want to cheek it out? I'd love you if you did oh btw new chap 4 this should be up by tommorow


	44. man journal?

**Authors note: So sorry it took a while to write this guys anyway though here it is…it's gonna be a little short but I still hope it'll be funny, I guess we shall see.**

**(Emmet's POV) **

Since Carlisle and I were stuck up in this net I figured, why not play a game? "Oh daddy poo?"

"What?" Carlisle asked, afraid to see what I wanted to do now.

"You want to pl-" I started to say, he cut me off.

"No thank you, I would rather not play one of your retarded games." Carlisle answered, before I could even get all of the words out of my mouth…he was acting as stupid as Edward…..

"PPPPPLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?" I begged.

"No…."

"Please?"

"NO!!!  
"Pretty, pretty, please."

"Ah fine, what?" he asked.

"Let's play guess. That. song!!" I yelled.

"Uh, last time we played that you ended up in jail."

"Awe, come on, what are the chances that'll happen again?" I asked.

"With you…the chances are very high."

"Ah, fine be like that Carlisle you totally suck blood!!" I yelled.

"Well technically...that's true." He snickered.

"Oh…I guess it is…hey you know what's dumb?" I asked.

"I don't know, what?"

"The fact that we have super straight and we cant get out of a damn net."

"That is dumb…it must be vampire proof or something." He said as he kicked it…all of the sudden it started to unravel and we fell out.

"So….we seriously could have gotten out of there hours ago?" He asked me.

"Yeah…I guess…but now that were down, what do you want to do?" I asked.

"I don't know…shouldn't we continue our search?" he asked.

"…..No, I say we go look through Edward's stuff."

"That is a violation of privacy."

"Whatever, it could be fun…imagine the stuff we might find. Don't you want to have dirt on him?" I asked.

"Well…being his father…no, not really."

"Oh…you'll change your mind once we start." I said as I pulled him into Edward's room.

******************

After digging around for an hour of finding nothing we were ready to give up. "Come on Emmett, he's got nothing on him." Carlisle said as he started walking away…that was before I found a very interesting little book under his pillow.

"What is this?" I asked myself opening it. It was titled 'my man journal, this is not gay.'

"He has a 'man journal?" Carlisle asked.

"Looks like it, let's see what it says." I answered, as I opened the book to the first filled out page. "Oh my god." I whispered.

"What does it say?" Carlisle asked.

"Dear man journal, I love you…I know some people like my idiot brothers might think writing in a thing like this is crazy but I truly enjoy you." I read laughing.

"Ha, and he says I have a problem talking to inanimate objects."

*********************

**Authors note: Ok I know it was short but I'll get another one up by Saturday at the latest please, please, please cheek out my new story, it's very different kind of dark but really interesting, you'll get to see another side of my writing just please cheek it out, if been working REALLY hard on it, I've been watching my spelling and improving my vocabulary you guys really have to see, you wouldn't believe it. **


	45. Short jokes? Whys jake so afraid?

**Authors note: Sorry I haven't updated guys….I just….I don't know I've been working on my other story, and I wasn't really sure what I wanted to happen next in this one…anyway here it is. **

**Were gonna skip a little bit of junk here…trust me it's for the funny. You may hate me now but you'll love me latter, I promise (= **

**(Emmett's POV) **

After Carlisle and I got out of the net, Alice finished her Wal-Mart shopping spree, and Jake and Eddie managed to un handcuff themselves we found Jasper in the strangest place ever….he was actually making out with a Barbie doll from my toy box….apparently he thought it was Alice….maybe because of her whole 'height issue'. I don't know.

Anyway though once everyone was back, I decided to get on with my list. "So guys next." I started to say…Jacob stopped me.

"Emmett, if it involves me doing anything with this whack job, I swear to god you will never see another toy in that toy box ever again." Jacob threatened.

"Ok then…fine I guess you'll never get your divorce." I snickered…

"You dumb ass!!!!" Edward yelled at him.

"Im thee dumbass? Who's the one who went into the woman's bathroom?" Jacob yelled.

"Edward…is there something we need to talk about?" I asked.

"Shut up!!!" he yelled.

"Someone's totally p.m.…oh by the way…Carlisle and I found something about you." I said taking out his man journal.

"You give me that back!!!" Edward yelled trying to take his journal out of my hands.

"Edward, you have a diary?" Bella asked, gasping in astonishment.

"Oh would you like to hear some of it?" I asked her.

"Hand it over!!!" Edward yelled.

"No way…I'm giving it to Carlisle!!!" I yelled, passing the book over.

"Why me?" He asked, in utter confusion.

"Because, you know I cant read, read the page about Bella!!" I said, holding Edward back.

"About me?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, read the one where he's talking about Bella and Jake, page 18 I think." I answered.

Carlisle started flipping trough the book until he found the right page, then cleared his trout, and began reading.

"Dear journal, I like can't believe my precious Bellakins is BFF's with some doggie boy!!! I mean sure he's sexy, and his skin is perfectly toned and has the most beautiful, well rounded six pack I've ever seen but he's a freaking animal damn it!!!......I wish I could be as tall as him…I feel like such an Alice." Carlisle read.

I could see Alice felt insulted by that last statement, Bella wad crying…probably finally realizing how gay Edward really was…and Jake looked uncomfortable…he really didn't know what to think so he just started laughing nervously….

**Authors note: Ok it's short but there'll be another one up soon, I promise love you all please review!!! (=**


	46. Wait,Who's going to work where now?

**Authors note: Ok so….Eddie has a little it of a "pansy side"…go figure…let's see what happens next, shall we? **

**(Edward's POV) **

I was sooo furious at my retched dumbass of a brother that I wanted to kill him. I just wanted to rip him up into tiny pieces and throw him into Mike Newton's fire place.

As I sneered at him, he nervously looked away, and took his toilet paper list out again. "Um…next on the list we all start truth or dare again…..Edward would you like to go first?" he asked while I was still giving him a death glare. I decided to take this as a chance of revenge.

"Sure, I'd love to." I smiled evilly….Emmett looked very afraid. "Rosalie." I started…that took Emmett by surprise…little did he know what horrid adventure I would thrust upon him.

"Yeah, what?" she asked, in a bored tone from the other side of her compact mirror. "I think I'm getting a pimple." She sighed.

"Uhhh…I think that's impossible." Alice stated.

"Is not!!!"

"Is too!!!"

"Is not!!!"

"Is too!!!"

"NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"TOO!!!!!!

"Oh would you stop so I can finish!!" I yelled, getting in-between them, causing Rosalie to drop her compact.

"OMG. That. Cost. Me. Money!!!!!!" She yelled, making everything into its own retched sentence once again…She so needed to take a grammar class.

"It cost you money, im the one who pays for all this crap around here, I don't see why none of you work, your all old enough!!!" Carlisle yelled, and that's when an idea popped into Emmett's thick scull.

"Hey guys, why don't we all go to work?" Emmett asked….now I'd never get my revenge…..

"NOOOOOO!!!!!" Rose and Alice yelled at once as I saw Carlisle get onto the computer.

"It's too late, I just enrolled you all into a part time jobs at Wal-Mart." He said.

"Double NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Alice yelled as we all got into the car and were off to Wal-Mart.

* * *

(Jasper's POV)

"Hello, I'm your new manager." A quite too happy to be working at Wal-Mart woman greeted us.

We all got into line and the smaller then Alice girl took out her oversized clip board.

"Rosalie Cullen?" She asked, reading Rose's name off the clipboard.

"Present." Rose said going up to the woman.

"Hello, you'll be working in our video game section." The woman said, handing her a quite appalling blue vest…I knew Alice would not approve.

"Excuse me?" Alice perked up…oh great, here we go again…what did I tell you?

"Yes dear?" The woman asked, I didn't understand how a woman working here could be sooo happy but this woman just was.

"Is the ugly blue vest required?" Alice asked.

"Yes."

"Are you positive?"

"Um hum…Let me guess…your Alice Cullen?" She asked.

"Um hum, how'd you know?" Alice asked.

"You're the girl on our watch list." She answered…I couldn't help but snicker at that one.

"So you know that and you don't hate me?" Alice asked.

"Um….let's just say this job is going towards your community service." The lady answered. "Anyway, Alice you'll be stalking shelves." She said, reading the clip board yet again.

"So…I have to touch things?" Alice asked, sounding disgusted.

"Yes."

"EWWWWE!!!!!!!!!!" Alice yelled at the top of her lungs…I quickly went to cup my hand over her mouth.

"Im sorry….this will hopefully be her last outburst." I answered.

"You must be Jasper." She said sweetly. "Yeah…that's right….how'd you know?" I asked confused.

"I can see your name on the back of your underpants." She giggled and of course, everyone else had to join in. I hastfully pulled up my pants in an attempt to erase the incident from everyone's mind as I put a wave of guilt and sorrow over everyone.

"Oh my god, im crying and I can't stop!!!" Emmett yelled…well that made my incident less memorable.

"Edward Cullen?" She asked next.

"Yes?" Edward stepped forward.

"Oh…you're a man." She sighed.

"Um….yah." He answered, confused by her statement.

"Oh, im sorry, judging by your name I thought you were a girl, I placed you in the woman's heath care products section. " She answered.

"How the hell does Edward sound like a girls name?" He asked confused.

Before the woman could answer Emmett butted in to stop her. "It's ok…we confus him for a girl too…he has experience with that suff anyway." He giggled.

"Judging from the bathroom incident I'd think not." Jake argued.

"Are you Jacob Black?" The woman asked.

"Yah that's me." He answered.

"Oh…I need to stop judging people by there names." The lady sighed, hitting herself in the head with her hand.

"Why, thought he was a girl too?" Edward asked.

"No….I thought he was black…I put him in the negro hair care section." Jacob looked a little confused but just went with it.

"Well where's that?" He asked, seemingly happy to get to work.

"Oh that's right next to your friend Edward's section." She said, smiling, thinking close friends would be happy together.

"Great." Jacob and Edward said in unison…damn they did that a lot.

"Where do I get to work?" Emmett asked, becoming impatient.

"Emmett Culled, you and Bella Swan will be on cash register duty." The woman answered.

Bella seemed to not really mind the job until the ladies next sentence. "We have our lovely employee of the month here to help you two out." She smiled, pointing to none other then Mike Newton. I could see Bella mouth something that looked like just shot me now as she walked over to the overly hormone crazed boy.

Just as I thought the craziness was over the lady gave the worst news to come out of her mouth yet. "Jasper it would be highly appreciated if you helped Alice." Oh god………..

**Authors note: Ahh another start to a crazy story……..what will happen?!?!?!?!?!? **


	47. 72 darth hannahphile tampon fights

**Authors note: Hey guys guess what? It's Saturday!!!!! Saturday means another chapter!!!! Yayyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's start shall we………………………..**

**(Rosalie's POV)**

"Uhhh" I groaned as the first few video game nerds approached me…This was going to be a long day, I thought taking out my compact. I didn't care if I was in Wal-Mart or meeting the queen, I had to look good anywhere.

"Excuse me." Some nerd started to say as I slowly turned around.

"Yeah?" I asked, leaning my head on the counter, this was a worse job then trying to make ugly people look like Megan Foxx.

I waited a couple of minutes…ok seconds and the nerd boy didn't answer….It was like he was frozen in shock. I knew I was hot, but did I really have the power to freeze people?

"Your leaning on the limited edition, solid gold, halo 3 video game box!!!!" the acne filled nerd yelled at me. This guy thought he could yell at me? Was he insane?!?!?

"You. Did. Not. Just. Yell. At. Me!!!!!!!!!!! I yelled right back at him.

"Yeah, I did, what are you going to do about it…little girl?"

"Oh you did not just go there!!!!" I venom strickenly shot at him as I bent his precious limited addition box right in half.

"YOOU ARE THE SPAWN OF DARTH VADOR!!!!" He yelled at me…..wait… what the fuck? Stupid nerds…….

***************

**(Edward's POV)**

Standing around the woman's health products was so awkward….Especially since the stupid manager made me wear a wig so the customers would think I was a woman and wouldn't be afraid to approach me for help. I looked like freaking Hannah Montana.

"You look so stupid." Jacob laughed at me.

"Shut up, you have long hair!!" I pointed out.

"Yeah, but there's a difference….Me + long hair = sexy. You + long hair = transvestite." He pointed out.

"Oh whatever!!!!" I yelled back at him as a woman approached me.

"Excuse me, but do you know where the tampons are?" She asked shyly…oh god…I tried to rack my brain and remember what a tampon was…I couldn't.

"Um……over there." I said.

"Over where? You're not pointing anywhere, your just saying over there." She pointed out, arguing with me….stupid Pmsing women.

"Um….you know….next to the other stuff….someplace." I answered.

"You really are no damn help!!" She yelled at me, knocking me up side the head with her purse. I could here Jacob snickering in the background.

******************

**(Emmett's POV) **

"La, la, la." I sang, ringing people up. I was having so much fun working register duty.

"Your change is 72.95." I answered the person who gave me the ten dollar bill….wait, that didn't make any sense, did it?

Before I could think about what I'd just done the person ran away…..oh whatever……

"Mike if someone gives you ten dollars and I give them 72 back is that bad?" I asked.

"72 cents?" He asked.

"No…72 dollars…."

"Emmett…get off the register." He said, trying to sound as calm as possible.

"Ok…can I work with the animals this time?" I asked.

"Sure…."

"Yayyyyy I get to pet the fish!!!!!" I yelled jumping up and down.

**************

**(Bella's POV) **

Since Mike was off chancing after some guy Emmett let have 70 dollars I decided to go see what Edward and Jacob were up to.

When I got around to there section of the store I found Edward arguing with some woman and Jacob reading a book.

"Whatcha reading?" I asked.

"Oh, since I'm working in this section of the store I've decided to take up gangster." He answered as I read the title…gangster talk for dummies.

"Jacob are you ok?" I asked

"Fo shizzel." He answered.

"Sure about that?" I asked, truly concerned.

"Yeah, son!"

"I'm not a guy!!!" I yelled.

"Whatever G, I gotta bounce. Get me some fly ladies to get it poppin, you know what I'm sayin?" He asked.

"Um….no, not really, I have no idea what your saying….I've gotta go." I answered, backing away.

******************

**(Edward's POV) **

After the crazy woman found what ever the hell she wanted a group of little girls came up to me.

"Are you Hannah Montana?" One of the little girls asked….oh god. "If you are…your really not as pretty in person…you kinda look like a man." The oldest of the girls said.

"That's because I am I man!!" I said, taking off the wig.

"Ahh Hannah/Miley is also a /man!!!!" One girl yelled.

"Creepy pedophile!!!!" The girl screamed. "Let's get out of hear before she tries to rape us!!!"

And as the little girls ran in fear Jacob said, "Told you, you looked pedophileish." And I hit him with a box.

"Eat tampons!!!" I yelled.

"These are pads dumbass!!!"

"Whatever…."

****************

**(Jasper's POV) **

"Do I have to touch it?" Alice asked, looking down at the box of dresses she was to unload.

"Yes!!! Just touch it!!! It will be over before you know it!!" I yelled. "Come on, you can do it Alice!!! Touch it!!!" I yelled. As a woman came up to us and smacked me up side the head.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"You can't make her touch anything you pervert!!!!" She yelled hitting me yet again.

"I…I was talking about dresses."

"Sure you were!!!" The lady yelled unbelieving of me.

*****************

**Authors note: OMG working at Wal-Mart is insane…please review I love you all (=**


	48. we may have set walmart on fire

**Authors note: Taylor Lautner Taylor Lautner Taylor Lautner Taylor Lautner Taylor Lautner Taylor Lautner!!!! I'm sorry what? Im still in New Moon movie mode. Taylor did such a great job!!! He was sooo sexy plus he could actually act. What do you guys think? Did you see it yet? I went at Twelve on premiere night. In the words of Rosalie….IT. WAS. AMAZING!!!!!!!! Definitely worth staying up till almost 3am (= **

**(Emmett's POV) **

Since we all got kicked out of Wal-Mart for apparently not being able to do actual work and accidently setting the place on fire or some crap like that I decided to move on with my list.

"So what are we doing now?" Bella asked, happy to be away from Mikeypoos.

"Um…let me cheek the list." I answered.

"Emmett….you put it in your pants?" Rose asked, looking at me disgusted.

"Maybe……"

"EWE!!!!"

"Well it's not like there was anywhere else to put it." I reasoned.

"Um…you have pockets."

"…….Oh….well anyway next on the list we go to the movies." I answered.

"Go to the movies….that's it?"

"Yeah…that new twilight movie's coming out." I answered. "You know, that one with that sexy beast Kellan Lutz." I answered.

"Personally I think Taylor Lautner's sexier." Bella answered.

"What about Robert Pattenson?" Edward asked.

"No….he needs a tan." Bella answered.

"And a six pack." Jake butted in.

"Well I think he's sexy." Edward answered as we started to slowly walk off to the movie theater.

* * *

**(At the movies 3****rd**** person POV)**

"Can we get apple sauce number of tickets." Emmett asked the front desk worker.

"Excuse me….what?"

"Apple sauce!!!!"

"We don't serve food here sir."

"Im not asking for food, im asking for tickets!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Uhhh, Emmett, no one understands your language, let me do this." Edward answered getting the tickets.

When they got into the movie theater they all got seats near the front and the commercials started.

"UHHHH!!!!! I hate commercials!!!!" Rosalie yelled, playing with her hair.

"Bella, are you scared yet, cause if you are I'm right here, ok." Jacob said, squeezing Bella's hand.

"Jacob, why would I be scared….it's a commercial about dogs." Bella answered.

"I don't know." Edward began. "I find dogs pretty scary." He glared at Jacob.

"Awe Bella, switch seats with Jake, I think the happy couple should sit together." Emmett laughed, as Jake and Edward sneered at each other.

When the movie began everyone got really quite….all except for Emmett who just had to yell, "OMG IT'S STARTING!!!!" …people were not too happy about this….in fact everyone started pelting him with popcorn…even his own family.

"I wish I could eat this." He muttered trying a piece…it tasted like dirt.

"Hey, this girl looks like someone." Jacob whispered to Bella as he looked up at Kristen Stewart. "Doesn't she kind of look like Bella?" He asked.

"Hum…I don't see it." Rose muttered comparing them. "This girls too pretty.

"What the hell is this movie even about?" Jasper asked…he hadn't seen the first one so he was very confused.

As the birthday scene came and went Emmett found him self completing each of Kellan's lines.

"How are you doing that?" Alice asked.

"I don't know…I feel like this has all happened before." He whispered back.

"Oh my god…Rob reminds me of someone." Bella sighed as Robert came walking into the scene.

"Who?" Edward asked…hoping she'd say him.

"Mike Newton!!" She answered.

"Mike…Newton?" Edward repeated in shock.

"Yeah, doesn't he?" Bella asked everyone.

"Well the hair is similar."

"They kind of walk the same way."

"Same skin tone."

"You people are crazy!!!" Edward yelled.

"You know…your kind of right….Mike's a little cuter then this gay loser." Bella muttered.

"Gay loser? I was going to say he looked like me." Edward complained.

"Edward, are you trying to say your gay?" Bella asked.

"NO!!!!" Edward yelled.

"SHUT UP!!!!" the rest of the movie theater yelled as they started throwing popcorn at him as well.

"Oh my god, you people are ruining my beautiful bronze hair!!!!!" Edward yelled, running out of the theater.

"Should we follow him?" Bella asked Jacob.

"No…he can find the bathroom on his own." Jacob muttered, not paying much attention…he was too absorbed in Taylor Lautner's acting.

"Jacob are you ok?" Bella asked.

"Shh, he's talking!!!" Jacob yelled going over to the screen.

"I think he has a problem." Bella whispered to Alice.

"What the hell is he doing?" Alice whispered back as Jacob started to touch the screen.

"Jake…are you sure your ok?" Bella asked until she was interrupted by screaming.

"Did you just hear someone yelling, 'man in the woman's bathroom?' Alice asked.

"Yeah…I think so." Bella answered. Before they knew it Edward was back with an embarrassed look on his face.

"What's wrong dude, get a sink and a urinal mixed up again?" Emmett asked him.

"No…the woman's bathroom just has better mirrors is all." Edward mumbled sitting back down…well at least he'd gotten the popcorn out of his hair.

"Sure it does…" Emmett laughed. "Hey doesn't this movie remind you of something? Something that happened before?" Emmett asked his family.

"Um…no."

"Not really, in fact it's quite boring, can we leave?" Jasper asked.

"Depends….do you want to do what's next on the list?" Emmett asked.

"Depends...what's next?" Jazz asked.

"We each get makeovers by Alice." Emmett answered.

"…um I think I'll just watch the movie."

"I know right, that's horrible." Emmett sighed.

"Emmett…if you didn't want to do that why'd you put it on the list?" Bella asked confused.

"I don't know."

**Authors note: Hey guys please, please review, talk about new moon, the story something, anything just please don't say anything alone the lines of, "love it update soon" those reviews annoy the hell out of me. **


	49. Emmett is alive with the sound of music

**Authors note: Who wants Em to sing?!?!?!? OK…….**

**(Bella's POV)**

So after we left the movies Emmett felt that it was time to go on with the list…we didn't want makeover so he skipped to the next thing.

"Ok guys…so this time were not going to be able to talk…only sing, everything you say must be in song…just like high school musical!!!" Emmett yelled…oh crap. Worst of all he started singing…. "So it's the start of something new, it feels so right to be here with you." …I had to admit…it fit pretty well.

"So guys, you want to go to Charlie's and freak him out by singing?"  
"Sure…."

"Ok……"

"Well then...high ho, high ho, it's of to work we go!!"

****************

**(Ten minutes later, Emmett's POV)**

When Charlie answered the door I felt the need to start singing….so I did.

"Hey guys…what are you doing here?" He asked.

"I am alive with the sound of music!!" I sang/answered.

"Oh god…should I be afraid?" He asked…looking at Bella…she better sing that answer.

"Yes." She answered…but she didn't sing……………

Guess I had to sing again…

"Baby, don't be afraid, im gonna hurt you real good baby!!!!"

"Um….is he drunk again?" Charlie asked, he was so funny.

"I used to be love drunk but now I'm hung over!!!!!"

"Ok…Emmett's singing is really bad." Edward moaned. Uhhh, he made me mad at him now.

"Edward, your so gay and you don't even like boys, you don't even like, you don't even like, you don't even like boys!!!" I sang.

"That's mean!!!"

"Im so mean cause I cannot get you out of my head, im so angry cause you rather MySpace me instead!!!!"

"Im confused…." Edward sighed.

"Hey…you want to take him to Mike's?" Bella asked Edward.

"Let's go, now shut up and drive, drive, drive, just shut up and drive!!!!" I sang..

"Well…seems like he wants to go." Bella answered.

*****************

**(Mike's house)**

"When we got to Mike's house, everyone decided that they'd sing too…..yay, I wouldn't be the only one!!!!!!

"Umm….hello everyone." Mike answered the door….still in his pajama's I may add….ha, he was worse then Edward.

"Emmett!!!!"

"Stupid mind reader!!!"

"So…um what are you guys here for?" Mike asked. No one answered...as he started to close the door Bella started to sing….I was so proud.

"Oh no, you say goodbye and I say hello, hello, hello, I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello!!!" Bella sang.

"Um…I was saying goodbye cause you weren't answering me…why are you singing?" He asked.

"because I can do whatever I want, yeah, I can do whatever, I can do whatever I want!!!" She sang.

"Well sorry…"

"It's too late to apologize, it's too late!!!" I added.

"Um….alright."

"It's alright, it's ok, I'm so much better without you!!!!"

"Um……im closing the door now."

"Um…..we should get out of here." Edward mumbled.

"Why?"

"Because….he's getting the tazer……"

"Just dance, it will be ok, da, di, do, just dance, spin that record babe!!" I sang/ answered.

"Um….I don't think that will work."

"THEN JUST RUN!!!!!!"

**Authors note: And that's what happens when Emmett wants to sing.**


	50. dont read im uploading again hold on

**Authors note: I was gonna update sooner guys but I didn't have time, I thought I would but I had 2 English projects (first I had to read Romeo and Juliet then had to write a 5 page or longer summery and then I had to reenact a freaking scene from the book with one of my BFF's who made me do all of the freaking work) and a math project who the fuck makes people do math projects you ask? My dumbass teachers, it was so insane, I thought math projects were none existent!!!! **

**(3****rd**** person pov)**

Everyone was in the living room, just hanging out, bored as hell…Esme said if anyone touched anything they were dead so they couldn't even turn on the TV.

"Ok, I'm done with this, let's get on with this list." Emmett said taking it out of his pocket.

"But…..don't you think Mike is still out there with the tazer?" Bella asked.

"Bella are you seriously going to be afraid of that loser?" Jake said as he went outside. You could hear him yelling "See every things ok." From the inside.

"Well maybe we could go ou-" Bella started to say.

"AAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" They heard a yell.

"What the hell happened?" Bella asked confused.

Edward looked out the window. "Uh…..Mike's back." He muttered closing the curtains.

"Oh my god, is Jake ok?" Bella asked trying to get to the window.

"I wouldn't look if I were you." Edward answered.

All of the sudden Jake came back inside, hair standing on end. "He got me." Jake muttered sitting back down.

"Well…on the bright side this gives you an excuse to get rid of that ridiculous thing you call hair." Alice smiled.

Jake had yet to look at his hair. "Give me the mirror!!" He yelled at Rose.

"Ewe, no way mutt!!" she yelled running into the kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!!!!" Jake yelled when he finally saw himself.

"Look your ugliness broke my mirror dog!!!" Rose yelled.

"Shut up!!" Jake yelled.

"Well…since we can't go outside safely let's do something inside!!" Emmett said.

"Uh….no more Candy land please!!" Carlisle begged.

"Don't worry…I was thinking about something completely unrelated." Emmett said getting out the list which was now in the form of a book.

"Since when is it a book?" Edward asked.

"Since I go it published duh!!!" Emmett answered.

"Who would publish that crap?"

"The same person who published Spencer and Hidi's book." Emmett answered.

"Of course." He answered.

"Are you dissing Spencer and Hidi?" Emmett asked, astonished.

"Well come on, it's not like they're famous for anything important, she can't sing and he's a bastard, I can't believe they've stayed on The Hills thins long." Edward sighed.

"Edward, you watch The Hills?" Bella asked, a little freaked.

"Maybe….." He answered.

"What the hell?"

"Only the last two seasons I swear, I can't help it it's so addicting!!!!" He sighed.

"Ha, Edward's so gay." Jasper laughed.

"I wouldn't be laughing Jasper, I mean Alice still makes you watch the Winks Club…what is that crap for 7yearolds?" Edward asked.

"It is very interesting and educational." Jasper reasoned.

"….It's about Pixies saving the world." Edward laughed.

"Fairies not Pixies!!!! Pixies are gay!!!" Jasper answered.

"And Fairies aren't?"

"I can't help it ok…..I relate to Stella so well." Jazz said.

"She's a shopping fairy." Edward answered.

"Sounds like you've been watching this show too Eddie." Emmett laughed.

"I was not…I was just reading Jazz's mind is all."

"Sure…." Jake laughed.

"Oh shut up Jake, you probably watch some embarrassing shows too." Edward answered.

"Actully, I'm a man, unlike you." Jake smirked.

"I don't remember Lifetime saying television for men." Bella laughed.

"Bella!!! You promised you wouldn't tell!!!" Jake yelled…Edward laughed…seeing what Jake was thinking about.

"It's not my fault!!! Desperate Housewifes is just so addicting!!!" Jake sighed.

"Ha, and you laughed at me." Jasper laughed.

"Ooh this is coming out good, why don't we all say some truths….we've done so many dares, we'll go in a circle and each answer a topic." Emmett smiled. "Ok I'll ask first…Jake what the most embarrassing movie you've ever watched that you secretly love? Edward tell us if he lies." Emmett answered as everyone started to stare at Jake…he was getting kind of freaked out.

"Ummm…oh god…I hate to say this but….He's Just Not That into You is the best movie ever!!! There I said it!!!" Jake yelled.

"What. The. Hell?!?!?!?!" Bella asked.

"Hey what did I tell you guys about doing that?" Rose yelled.

"Sorry Rose…."

"Ok….Edward what about you?" Jake asked…in dire need of subject change.

"Um…ok….this is really hard to say but…Ella Enchanted!!!" Edward answered.

"Oooook…." Emmett answered after a couple of seconds of silence. "I don't know if this is embarrassing…but the best movie ever is Hannah Montana." Emmett answered.

"Why?" Rose asked confused.

"Cause it was so sad…when she said she couldn't be Hannah anymore I almost cried…well if I could cry I would have….I love Miley…I can't help it, she's just so awesome!!! I can't wait for The Last Song to come out!!! It's going to be amazing because she's amazing and I know she'll do an awesome job, I just know it." Emmett yelled taking his Hannah poster out of his pocket.

"…..No comment." Rose answered.

"Doesn't saying no comment count as a comment?" Jake asked.

"Shut up you girly movie loving mutt!!!" Rose yelled….Jake had no comeback.

"What's yours honey?" Esme asked Carlisle.

"I have no embarrassing movie secrets." Carlisle answered.

"Oh yeah, well what about the movie I caught you watching yesterday?" Esme asked.

"Don't say it." Carlisle answered.

"If you don't I will." She answered as she started to open her mouth again.

"Fine….I like Carebearsonfire." Carlisle answered so fast if they weren't vamps they would have missed it.

"EWWWEE Carlisle bears are scary!!!" Emmett yelled, moving away from him.

"No there not…there so fuzzy and cute." Carlisle said as there was a dead silents…so dead you could here Mike outside yelling "I'm going to break this door down eventually." At the neighbors house…I wonder if he knew the Cullen's actually lived two doors down….whatever…loser.

"So…um…what about you Alice?" Carlisle asked, breaking the silents.

"Ok…um….I….I….I…like Thumbelina!!! I just feel like I can relate so much." Alice answered.

Esme snickered.

"Well Esme…your over there laughing…what's your favorite movie?" Alice asked.

"Well….I think Thirteen's a pretty great movie." Esme answered.

"Wait? The movie about the thirteen year olds who turn into drug addict prostitutes?" Alice asked.

"Yeah…it just had such a great ending, I loved how the girl was able to turn her life around." Esme answered.

"She didn't turn her life around….she killed herself." Emmett answered.

"What, she did?"

"Yes, that's why she was screaming in pain at the end."

"Oh….I thought it was because she was so happy."

"Who screams like a loon when there happy?" Rose asked. Esme gave her a look.

"That is so not what we were talking about!!!" Rose got annoyed.

Emmett got embarrassed, finally getting what she said. "Um anyway…moving on….let's do bands next." He answered.

**Authors note: Thanks for reading you guys love you all please review (= Don't forget to watch Taylor Lautner on Saturday night live tonight it's gonna be sexy lol (= **


	51. embarrassing embarrasing embarrassing

**Authors note: url on the other chapter wasnt working so i uploaded again dont bother reading if u already read the last time but ofcourse reas the first couple of lines to see if you've read it or not **

**(3****rd**** person pov)**

Everyone was in the living room, just hanging out, bored as hell…Esme said if anyone touched anything they were dead so they couldn't even turn on the TV.

"Ok, I'm done with this, let's get on with this list." Emmett said taking it out of his pocket.

"But…..don't you think Mike is still out there with the tazer?" Bella asked.

"Bella are you seriously going to be afraid of that loser?" Jake said as he went outside. You could hear him yelling "See every things ok." From the inside.

"Well maybe we could go ou-" Bella started to say.

"AAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" They heard a yell.

"What the hell happened?" Bella asked confused.

Edward looked out the window. "Uh…..Mike's back." He muttered closing the curtains.

"Oh my god, is Jake ok?" Bella asked trying to get to the window.

"I wouldn't look if I were you." Edward answered.

All of the sudden Jake came back inside, hair standing on end. "He got me." Jake muttered sitting back down.

"Well…on the bright side this gives you an excuse to get rid of that ridiculous thing you call hair." Alice smiled.

Jake had yet to look at his hair. "Give me the mirror!!" He yelled at Rose.

"Ewe, no way mutt!!" she yelled running into the kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!!!!" Jake yelled when he finally saw himself.

"Look your ugliness broke my mirror dog!!!" Rose yelled.

"Shut up!!" Jake yelled.

"Well…since we can't go outside safely let's do something inside!!" Emmett said.

"Uh….no more Candy land please!!" Carlisle begged.

"Don't worry…I was thinking about something completely unrelated." Emmett said getting out the list which was now in the form of a book.

"Since when is it a book?" Edward asked.

"Since I go it published duh!!!" Emmett answered.

"Who would publish that crap?"

"The same person who published Spencer and Hidi's book." Emmett answered.

"Of course." He answered.

"Are you dissing Spencer and Hidi?" Emmett asked, astonished.

"Well come on, it's not like they're famous for anything important, she can't sing and he's a bastard, I can't believe they've stayed on The Hills thins long." Edward sighed.

"Edward, you watch The Hills?" Bella asked, a little freaked.

"Maybe….." He answered.

"What the hell?"

"Only the last two seasons I swear, I can't help it it's so addicting!!!!" He sighed.

"Ha, Edward's so gay." Jasper laughed.

"I wouldn't be laughing Jasper, I mean Alice still makes you watch the Winks Club…what is that crap for 7yearolds?" Edward asked.

"It is very interesting and educational." Jasper reasoned.

"….It's about Pixies saving the world." Edward laughed.

"Fairies not Pixies!!!! Pixies are gay!!!" Jasper answered.

"And Fairies aren't?"

"I can't help it ok…..I relate to Stella so well." Jazz said.

"She's a shopping fairy." Edward answered.

"Sounds like you've been watching this show too Eddie." Emmett laughed.

"I was not…I was just reading Jazz's mind is all."

"Sure…." Jake laughed.

"Oh shut up Jake, you probably watch some embarrassing shows too." Edward answered.

"Actully, I'm a man, unlike you." Jake smirked.

"I don't remember Lifetime saying television for men." Bella laughed.

"Bella!!! You promised you wouldn't tell!!!" Jake yelled…Edward laughed…seeing what Jake was thinking about.

"It's not my fault!!! Desperate Housewifes is just so addicting!!!" Jake sighed.

"Ha, and you laughed at me." Jasper laughed.

"Ooh this is coming out good, why don't we all say some truths….we've done so many dares, we'll go in a circle and each answer a topic." Emmett smiled. "Ok I'll ask first…Jake what the most embarrassing movie you've ever watched that you secretly love? Edward tell us if he lies." Emmett answered as everyone started to stare at Jake…he was getting kind of freaked out.

"Ummm…oh god…I hate to say this but….He's Just Not That into You is the best movie ever!!! There I said it!!!" Jake yelled.

"What. The. Hell?!?!?!?!" Bella asked.

"Hey what did I tell you guys about doing that?" Rose yelled.

"Sorry Rose…."

"Ok….Edward what about you?" Jake asked…in dire need of subject change.

"Um…ok….this is really hard to say but…Ella Enchanted!!!" Edward answered.

"Oooook…." Emmett answered after a couple of seconds of silence. "I don't know if this is embarrassing…but the best movie ever is Hannah Montana." Emmett answered.

"Why?" Rose asked confused.

"Cause it was so sad…when she said she couldn't be Hannah anymore I almost cried…well if I could cry I would have….I love Miley…I can't help it, she's just so awesome!!! I can't wait for The Last Song to come out!!! It's going to be amazing because she's amazing and I know she'll do an awesome job, I just know it." Emmett yelled taking his Hannah poster out of his pocket.

"…..No comment." Rose answered.

"Doesn't saying no comment count as a comment?" Jake asked.

"Shut up you girly movie loving mutt!!!" Rose yelled….Jake had no comeback.

"What's yours honey?" Esme asked Carlisle.

"I have no embarrassing movie secrets." Carlisle answered.

"Oh yeah, well what about the movie I caught you watching yesterday?" Esme asked.

"Don't say it." Carlisle answered.

"If you don't I will." She answered as she started to open her mouth again.

"Fine….I like Carebearsonfire." Carlisle answered so fast if they weren't vamps they would have missed it.

"EWWWEE Carlisle bears are scary!!!" Emmett yelled, moving away from him.

"No there not…there so fuzzy and cute." Carlisle said as there was a dead silents…so dead you could here Mike outside yelling "I'm going to break this door down eventually." At the neighbors house…I wonder if he knew the Cullen's actually lived two doors down….whatever…loser.

"So…um…what about you Alice?" Carlisle asked, breaking the silents.

"Ok…um….I….I….I…like Thumbelina!!! I just feel like I can relate so much." Alice answered.

Esme snickered.

"Well Esme…your over there laughing…what's your favorite movie?" Alice asked.

"Well….I think Thirteen's a pretty great movie." Esme answered.

"Wait? The movie about the thirteen year olds who turn into drug addict prostitutes?" Alice asked.

"Yeah…it just had such a great ending, I loved how the girl was able to turn her life around." Esme answered.

"She didn't turn her life around….she killed herself." Emmett answered.

"What, she did?"

"Yes, that's why she was screaming in pain at the end."

"Oh….I thought it was because she was so happy."

"Who screams like a loon when there happy?" Rose asked. Esme gave her a look.

"That is so not what we were talking about!!!" Rose got annoyed.

Emmett got embarrassed, finally getting what she said. "Um anyway…moving on….let's do bands next." He answered.

**Authors note: Thanks for reading you guys love you all please review (= Don't forget to watch Taylor Lautner on Saturday night live tonight it's gonna be sexy lol (= **


	52. sleepover preporation

**Authors note: no one even reads these things so idk why I keep writing them but if you are reading this cause idk you're crazy or bored or something then I have a question for you did you see Taylor Lautner on SNL? If so what did you think? Tell me in your reviews, ok? Ok!!!! Love you all bye, bye (=**

"If we were a movie then you'd be the right guy and Id be the best friend that you'd fall in love with in the end we'd be laughing watching the sunset, day to day, shoulders beamed, play that happy song!!!!" Emmett sang.

"Are you quite finished?" Edward asked annoyed….he was in the middle of saying something…though no one really cared.

"Sorry….I got bored." Emmett muttered.

"Well, I was in the middle of giving a speech!!!"

"Exactly….no ones even listening!!!" Emmett exclaimed. "Now come on, let's get back to the game…what were we doing? Oh yeah, bands….uh let's make it a little more interesting….truth is so boring...unless your at a sleepover…that's it, let's have a sleepover!!!!" Emmett said as he clapped and jumped up and down.

"Emmett stop, you look like London Tipton!!!" Rose yelled pulling him down to the ground. "Fine…." He sighed. Sitting down…Alice raised her hand.

"Yes Alice?" Emmett asked.

"Is this sleepover going to require any shopping?" Alice asked.

"Um…I guess."

"YAAAYYY!!!! Come on Bella, let's go shopping buddy!!!" Alice yelled, pulling Bella along.

"Oh crap…EDWARD!!! NO!!!!!" Bella yelled as she got pulled out the door.

"Should we go help?" Jake asked.

"Hell no, she'll make us go too." Jasper answered.

"Edward don't you think that- Jake started.

"I would go…but….I can't….I'm married." He answered.

"What the hell kind of excuse is that?"

"I don't know."

"You guys do know that if you don't go with Alice then your going to have to help me." Emmett smiled.

"On second thought maybe I will go to the mall…."

"Yah…."

"Get some fresh air….."

"Yah….eat at the food court." Jasper answered.

'You're a vampire…you can't eat at the food court." Jake answered.

"Shut up!!! Do you want to be stuck here with Emmett when he's singing Hannah Montana?" Jasper asked.

"Well no…but I don't want to get tazed again." Jake added.

"Don't worry about Mike." Edward said as he pulled Jake out the door, Emmett had left the room for his toy box and this was there only chance to escape

* * *

(Later in the Porsche)

"Did you hear something?" Bella asked….there was a strange noise coming from the back of their vehicle.

"Yeah….I did." Edward said, turning his head to find none other then Mike hanging on to the back for dear life.

"I'm going to get you Cullen!!!" He yelled.

"Something is definitely wrong with that boy." Edward said turning back around.

"Oh my god!! What should we do?" Bella asked…a little worried about Mike.

"Just keep going, maybe he'll fall off and get run over." Jake laughed.

Everyone seemed to be in agreement…well except Alice. "He's gonna break it!!!" She cried…rubbing her car like a baby.

"Alice!! Watch the road!!!!!" Bella yelled as they almost hit into an old lady.

"Oh it's alright Bella, she's old anyway." Alice muttered.

"Um Alice…she's younger then you." Bella mumbled.

"Are you making fun of my age?" Alice asked….pulling over the car in the dead middle of the highway.

"Uhhh Alice, you're a hundred, get over it." Edward sighed, trying to make her start the car up again….half just because he was afraid Mike might catch up to them.

"Uhhhh!!! Edward, just for that comment I'm putting you on extra shopping duty mister!!!!" Alice yelled….very pissed off.

"Crap." He muttered, Jake and Jazz just laughed.

"Can we please speed the car back up now?" Edward asked changing the subject.

"What? You want to go to the mall or something?" Jake asked….

"No…."

"Then why do you want her to get the car started again?" Jazz questioned.

"Because" Before Edward could finish Mike Newton was on top of the Porsche, screaming like Tarzan, trying to pry the sun roof open.

"That's why." Edward muttered, quivering in his seat.

Jake on the other hand was hiding behind Bella. "Jacob what the hell?" Bella asked, very confused by his insane behavior.

"I'm sorry Bells but I can not be tazed again…I already had to cut my hair once." He shock.

"Sooo…you care more about your hair then me?" Bella questioned.

"Of course not….ok maybe…no...well yes….um…I can't answer that." Jake muttered.

"What should we do if he gets in?" Edward asked his brother.

"I'll handle this!!!" Alice said stopping the chaos once and for all.

***************

(Twenty minutes later)

"I cant believe you beat Mike with a heel." Bella laughed.

"That dude is sure never going to have kids after today." Jake laughed.

"I feel kind of bad about it." Alice sighed…though she had to do it….for the love of the car at least…well that and the sake of her brother and husband's dignity.

"Don't worry Alice….he was going to never have kids anyway…we just helped him out…well maybe not him…for him we just speeded up the prosses….but what about the poor girl he was probably going to rape….at least she can't get pregnant now." Edward answered.

"Your one to talk hundred year old virgin." Jake laughed.

"Shut up Jake….at least I don't touch myself."

"….We don't really know that." Jasper said taking out Edward's man journal.

"Hey give me that back!!!" Edward yelled. Jazz proceeded to throw it out the window.

"NOOOOOO!!! TANYA!!!!!!!!!!" Edward yelled.

"Um…excuse me but why is ever inanimate object you have named Tanya?" Bella asked, concerned.

"No reason." Edward replied….looking away, he didn't want to see Bella's sneer.

"Edward is sooo un original." Emmett sighed…wait Emmett? When did he get here?

"Emmett…when did you get here?" Edward asked…desperate for subject change.

"A couple of seconds ago…my Edward dropped his man journal senses were tingling." He answered as he took the other "Tanya" out of his pocket.

"By the way, it says here on page 105 that little Eddie wishes he has one of those dolls of Bella like Jake does so he can jack off to something that wasn't tapes of Bella sleeping that he secretly tapes." Emmett laughed.

"Uhhh!!! Edward!!!!" Bella sneered, yet again.

"Ha…told you." Jake laughed.

***************

(some more time later)

"Are we there yet?" Emmett asked

"Yah Alice…we've been driving for almost an hour." Bella sighed.

"Well I'm sorry we live in the middle of no where." Alice sighed, now keeping her eyes on the road unlike before.

"Alice…we past 4 malls on the way up here."

"Well….yah but I want to go to a nicer one." Alice answered.

"Where would this nicer mall be?" Jasper asked.

"…..New York."

"Alice do you know how far away that is?" Edward asked.

"Yah…..like a couple of hours…or days"

"Uhhh this is going to take forever…why did we offer to go to the mall anyway?"  
Jake asked…forgetting their reason.

"Well we were trying to get away from Emmett." Edward answered….Emmett gave him a dirty look, but kept reading his diary.

"This is sooo stupid." Jake sighed.

"No…your just bored…let's play a game to kill time." Alice answered.

"I've got a better one…why don't we just kill Alice." Edward answered.

"Hey!!!!"

"Well….we could win…I mean it's like 3 against one." Emmett answered.

"There are for of us." Bella pointed out.

"Yeah…but you don't really count cause you cant fight." Jasper answered.

"Hey!!!" Bella yelled kicking him.

"Fine…three and a quarter against one…happy?"

"No…."

"Well oh well." Jasper answered. "Come on guys…we need a plan to get rid of her."

"You do know I can hear you….I'm sitting right next to you." Alice yelled.

"I could have been talking about any Alice…god you act like you're the only one in this car."

"I am the only one in this car!!!"

"Guys stop arguing!!!" Edward yelled as Emmett started to sing why cant we be friends.

"Alice….we have an bad singer, fully loaded with stupid songs and if we don't stop at the next mall we pass we will use him." Edward answered.

"Uhhh fine."

******************

"Uhhh thank god were finally at the mall!!!" Bella sighed happily…..well she was happy…until Alice started to pull a wig over her head.

"What the hell?" Bella ask/yelled.

"Um…well….i kind of got us banned from this mall so we have to go in disguise." Alice answered.

"But…they don't know me….why do I have to put this on?" Bella asked.

"Um…let's just say I may have told them I was Isabella Swan last time I was here and I was kinda dressed up as you." Alice answered.

"Again…what the hell?"

"Well…I couldn't use my name….I'm already banned from 4 malls in the country and just about every Wal-Mart in the world." She answered.

"So….you used mine?"

"Yah…oh by the way, Isabella Swan is also banned from Target, ToysRus, and the subway station."

"Im not even going to ask." Bella muttered as she put on her wig and sunglasses.

"You don't think we'll look stupid wearing sunglasses inside, in the middle of winter?" Bella asked.

"Um….well just say were blind." Alice answered.

"But-

"No buts…besides…we have a seeing eye dog." Alice answered.

"Hey….I am not a dog." Jake sighed.

"Sure, sure." Bella laughed.

"Hey!!!! That's my saying!!!"

"God Jake…now you sound like Rose." Bella laughed, Jake so did not think that was funny.

"What are we even shopping for?" Edward asked as they walked further and further into the death trap Alice called paradise.

"Well….we need PJ's, pillows, refreshments, popcorn, movies, chips, other snacks, sleeping bags, board games, trivia cards, makeup, other makeover materials-

"How long does this list go on for?" Bella asked.

"Don't worry…only 2000 more things."

"Were gonna be here forever!!!!!!!!!!!"

******************

**Authors note: And so the crazy sleepover begins…what do you guys want 2c happen?**


	53. kiss and tell?

**Authors note: Sorry I haven't written in forever guys but I've been super busy and have barley been able to get anything done at all lately I really want to start again so hears some more to hold you for now (btw I had this written already but I kinda forgot about it)**

**(Sleepover time Alice's POV) **

"So, what should we do first at this sleepover?" I asked, truly excited for the fun to begin.

"Sleep." Bella answered. God, she couldn't stay awake for more then five hours could she?

"But Bella…we can't go to sleep yet!!!" I yelled…trying to wake her.

"But Alice…you kept us in the mall all day." She sighed, she was so tired she didn't even care I had forced her to wear a tank top and short shorts, which by the way she looked super cute in.

"Where's Edward?" Carlisle asked, looking around. I began to look too…I didn't see him anywhere…crap did we leave him at the mall?!?!? Bella would murder me if we did.

I had to make up a lie to get myself out of this one "Uhhh…he's still on shopping duty, we needed more snacks." I lied.

"But the whole kitchen is full of food."

"Then movies, we needed more movies." I answered.

"But- Bella started to say again.

"Who wants to play spin the bottle?" I asked changing the subject….you could not have an official sleepover without making people as embarrassed as possible and what better way then to force them to make out with family members?

"Ok!!!!" Emmett said as he ran to get a bottle.

"Emmett….this is ketchup." I answered…uhhh you could never rely on him for anything.

"Oh…then what about this?" He said handing me a container full of pickles.

"Umm….not exactly."

"Oh then is that a bottle?" he asked….pointing to the fire place.

"Uhh…no."

"What about this?" he asked, picking up Carlisle.  
"No, I am not a bottle….would you please put me down?" Carlisle asked angrily.

"Well if Carlisle's not a bottle and neither is the fire place then what does a bottle look like?" Emmett asked.

I thought for a moment on how exactly to put this in "Emmet's terms" "You remember when you wrote that message and put it in the thing?" I asked him.

"You mean when I thought the pirates were going to get us?"

"Yes, that time."

"Oh…yah…I remember."

"Well go get that." I told him.

"I cant…"

"Why not?"

"Cause….i sort of may have flushed it down the toilet."

"Why?"

"Because it was a message in a bottle and everyone knows you need to put those in water or no one will ever find it."

"Sooo…you think by flushing it down the toilet someone will get it?"

"Uhhh duh cause eventually it will show up in someone else's toilet." Emmett answered.

"I'm not even going to bother to argue with you." I said.

"Cause you know I'm right.

"Sure……" I muttered as I made my way into the kitchen for a bottle.

"Ok….so who wants to go first?" I asked…looking around our circle….no one answered. "Im sure Bella would like to go." I smiled.

"Uhhh….I'm sure she wouldn't." Bella answered….talking in third person.

"Yes she would."

"No she wouldn't."

"YES SHE WOULD!!!!" I yelled, trying to be as annoying as possible.

"Uhhh fine." She said, half cause she just wanted me to leave her alone.

**(Bella's POV) **

Reluctantly I took the bottle from Alice and spun…I closed my eyes for a second…not wanting to see who it landed on, hoping maybe no one…though that was virtually impossible.

A few seconds later I heard gasps, laughs, and a horrible groan…I knew that could only have come from one person.

"So, it looks like were going to get a little lesbian action." Emmett laughed…all I could do was sigh…and stare at the dreaded bottle.

I couldn't believe who it had landed on, and apparently neither could she. We stood there for a few seconds…motionlessly, until Emmett yelled, "Come on Rose we don't have all day." And Alice snuck up to her room for the camera….I swear if this ends up on YouTube a certain Pixy is getting her cloths in the shredder.

A couple of more minutes past and still we did nothing…..Alice had said if we didn't go through with it something horrible would happen but I didn't really care much.

"Bella and Rosalie I swear to god if I don't see you guys kiss within the next 60 seconds both your cars will end up like Tanya", Alice yelled at us…ahh poor Tanya…she didn't have Jake to pull her out of the water…

As Alice counted down we began to inch closer…I guessed Rose didn't want anything to happen to her precious car….I kinda didn't want to go along with this but if I didn't Rose would murder me later.

**A/N What's gonna happen? U want me to start posting again? Totally think im a bitch for not being on in forever? Want me to finish one of my other stories? Please let me know **


	54. threesome anyone?

**Authors note: Hey here's another chapter you guys…I actually kinda of missed writing and now that its summer vacation I'm going to able to update a lot more like I used to, aren't you all so excited? I know I am…so um lets get started!**

**(Emmett's POV) **

Bella and Rose inched closer and closer as I started to sing two very appropriate song choices for this evening… "I kissed a girl" and "My first kiss went a little like this."

"Emmett if you don't shut the hell up im going to go find that bottle you flushed down the toilet and shove it down your throat!" Rose groaned.

"Sorry babe…." I muttered as I cupped my hand over my mouth…half to stop myself from singing and half for protection, just incase she was being serious.

Just as Rose and Bella were about to kiss Edward burst through the door soaking wet….wait I don't remember it raining….

"Alice I can't believe you, you see me fall out the window on the bridge and you just keep on driving! I had to swim 8 miles!" He yelled…oh yah now I remember…I really shouldn't have greased that with butter….oh well. Oh shit…wait did Edward hear that? Fuck I'm dead.

"Emmett?" he yelled as I started to run, nearly tripping over my over sized Candy Land pieces as I went.

"Let's see how you feel to be dumped in a river!" He yelled as he threw me into the chocolate fountain…I guess this is what I get for not cleaning up all my candy land crap after I was finished playing…

**(Alice's POV)**

"Oh…so that's what that noise was on the way home…thank god, I thought some of the stuff we bought had fallen out of that car." I sighed in relief.

"So not funny." Bella muttered angrily, as she went upstairs to go see how Edward was doing.

"Um….let's start another game shall we?" Rose answered…changing the subject…or was she just trying to get out of making out with Bella. Whatever it was I was in agreement…if it made me look like less of a bad person, I was all in.

"So um, what should we do now?" I asked.  
"PRANK CALLS!" Esme yelled.

"Um….ok." I answered…this could be interesting.

**(Esme's POV) **

"Yay this is going to be sooo much fun!" I yelled getting the kitchen phone. Now, who to call first? It took me a couple of seconds to think cause Mike Newton was not a possibility anymore, due to the fact they had shipped him off to the psycho ward for going around the neighborhood screaming "im going to get you, you damn vampires!"

But then I thought of someone we could bug….Charlie again! Yay and Jessica, and Paul, Leah, Seth and any other crazy wolfs and humans I could think of…but first Charlie of course.

"Ok Jake your turn to prank call Charlie." I said handing him the phone.

"Why me?" He asked sadly…he didn't want to go to jail like Edward.

"Cause it'll be more fun if you do it, duh." I answered.

"What do you want me to tell him?" Jake asked starting to dial the phone.

Hum…it took me a second, but then the best idea ever came to me. "Ask him permission to have a three some with his daughter and Edward." I said through fits of laughter.

"I can't do that!" He screamed, handing me back the phone.

"If you don't, then I will!" I said, fake dialing the phone to scare him into doing it.

"Ok fine… better off I make a fool out of myself then have someone else do it." Jake said taking the phone back again…he did have a point there.

**(Jake's POV) **

I couldn't believe I was about to do this to Charlie, I mean, it would totally break the father son bond we had going…or worse I could end up in jail like Edward…or he could shoot me…all those things would suck, but I had to do this. I couldn't look like a chicken, not again.

"Hello?" Charlie answered.

"Oh hey Charlie." I replied nervously.

"Oh Jacob its you, thank god, I thought it was Edward, that nasty perv. God knows what he'd be calling me for." He snickered.

"Yah…about that…can I ask you something?"

"Sure, anything." He replied, yah that's what he said now….

"Um ok, well…I wanted to sort of possibly ask your permission for something possibly…if that's ok with you, sir." I went on, rambling like an idiot for more time.

"Just get on with it already!" Alice screamed hitting me in the back of the head with the tape recorder she was using to record this whole conversation.

"Jake, son, what are you talking about?" Charlie asked, sounding confused.

"I was wondering if it was ok with you if Bella, Edward, and I had a threesome." I blurted out so fast it was barely satiable for human ears.

"What?" He asked. "Wait, was this Edward's idea?" He asked, sounds of gun loading in the background.

"Um…sure." I answered hanging up the phone as Edward and Bella came down the stairs.

"What was that about?" Bella asked as I handed Esme back the phone.

"Nothing." I stated, taking a seat back down in the circle.

Within minutes strange banging noises were coming from the porch.

"What in gods name is that?" Edward asked walking towards the door.

"Um… I don't know, but I thinks it's for you." I smirked knowing exactly who it was.

"Your dead!" Charlie yelled chasing Edward down the street.

"For what? I don't even know what I did this time!" He yelled in the distance.

"You know god well what you wanted to do! Than k god Jacob called and told m before things got out of hand!"

I couldn't help but laugh at that statement….even when I did something bad I was still good…well in Charlie's eyes at least.

As the sounds of Edward's screams went further and further away Emmett came back into the house.

"Any particular reason Charlie's trying to run Edward over with his car?" he asked.

"….Long story, but who's up for another game?" I snickered happily, pulling Bella close to me as we both looked at Emmett who was trying to pull the garden house into the house.

"What are you doing?" Rose asked, truly puzzled by her brainless bloodsucker.

"What…I have to get this chocolate off some how." Emmett answered.

"You could take a shower like normal people.

"Awe…but that's no fun." Emmett sighed sadly….now he was the one acting like a dog.

**Authors note: There you go guys, another chappy ooh btw did anyone go out and buy "The short second life of Bree Tanner?" I did and it's awesome! You all have to go read it if you love Stephanie and need a little twilight fix. **


	55. hittin on hobos

**Authors note: Hey guys I would have updated sooner but my computer got a virus….good news is my daddy decided to buy me a new one so, yay for me (= Can't wait to see what happens this chapter (= **

**(Edward's POV) **

After finally escaping the horrible rage of Charlie and his police cruiser I managed to stumble back home.

"Hey look who didn't get eaten alive by the German shepherds!" Emmett yelled, giving me a suffocatingly long bear hug. He wouldn't get off for almost ten minutes…he was more excited to see me then Bella was.

"I missed you sooo much." He smiled, rubbing my hair and looking at me seductively. Everyone just started laughing, I felt like I was missing out on an inside joke. As he leaned in to kiss me I thought it too far.

"What the hell's going on?" I asked in utter confusion.

"See, I told you Emmett." Carlisle complained.

"Told him what?" I asked, still confused…and a little uncomfortable.

"Oh, while you were gone Emmett made a bet that he could seduce anyone." Rosalie Laughed.

"And I can…Edward just doesn't count cause he's not a person." Emmett pouted.

"Ok…then let's go out somewhere and see your seducing powers." Carlisle laughed.

"Fine, but we all have to do it." Emmett answered.

"Ok." Jacob and Alice agreed.

"Fine, I'm in too." Said Esme and Rosalie sighed.

"What about you guys?" Emmett asked looking at Jasper and Bella.

"Fine…" they sighed.

"Edward, the last words up to you." Esme answered.

"Uhhh, why must our family be so weird?" I sighed as we all got into Emmett's Jeep and were on our way to god knows where.

**(Emmett's POV) **

"Where are we driving, where are we driving, where are we driving?" I asked excitedly.

"Where ever you want, just please stop spinning the car in circles!" Bella yelled, stupid humans, always complaining.

"I can't help it, this is my cars happy dance!" I sighed.

"Emmett, either you stop or we through you out on the highway!" Edward yelled angrily.

"Gee, I can't deiced, that sounds kind of fun." I smiled, thinking of how awesome I'd be at directing traffic.

"You wouldn't be directing the traffic you'd be getting hit by it." Edward answered.

"Oh, just like you earlier?" I laughed hysterically.

"Oh burn!" Jasper yelled giving me a high five.

"Oh god Emmett, look what your doing to my poor husband!" Alice yelled grabbing Jasper by the hand.

"What, he's cool now." I answered.

"Oh yah I am home skillet biscuit." Jasper yelled.

"Ok…I'm pretty sure I've never said anything like that." I sighed. "Kinda sounds like he's been talking to Mike." I laughed.

"Jasper? You've been talking to the enemy?" Alice sighed, grabbing him by the shirt collar.

"No….."

"Truth?"

"Ok, ok, I may have watched one of his you tube videos…but it was just one time!" He sighed in relief.

As Edward was about to say something I yelled, "OMG look a homeless person, Edward go try to seduce her!"

"Why me?" He asked.

"Because…um IDK I just cause I said so." I answered, pushing him out the window.

"NOT AGAIN!" He yelled as he fell into the road.

"He really needs to gain so weight." I sighed, looking at him on the ground, hopelessly trying to get up with no success.

When he finally did stumble back on his feet, and tried to get back in the car; I locked all the doors and said, "No, no, no. Not until you're done. And don't forget the cheesy pickup lines." I smiled.

**(Edward's POV)**

As I got out of the jeep, or rather fell I guess you could say my mind began to fill with ideas of what to say to this person, how could I prove to everyone that I was seductive? How could I attract someone I didn't love, or even know for that matter? It was all so confusing, but as the hobo turned towards me and dropped her bottles on the ground I realized I didn't have much time to think.

"Who the hell are you and what do you want?" The woman asked, half hunched over, grabbing a Snapple bottle in a protective manner.

"Oh hello ma'am, I'm Edward and if I do say so myself you're looking fabulous tonight." I smiled.

I could here laughing in the background as I went on.

"You're outfit choice is right on que, great for collecting bottles". I smiled, pulling a leaf out of the woman's hair. For a second she smiled back and I thought I was winning, but then out of no where she grabbed the Snapple bottle again and smashed it over my head.

"Nasty perv!" She yelled, hitting me again and again as a ran back to the car.

"EMMETT OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!" I yelled, fearing a little for my life.

"Not yet." He laughed. "First ask her if you can go back to her box." He smirked.

"Not funny!" I yelled as the woman smashed another bottle over my head.

"Uhh fine…" Emmett sighed pressing the unlock button.

"Emmett the doors still locked!" I sighed.

"Well yah…but the trunk isn't." He smirked.

I couldn't take it anymore so I just got into the fucking trunk as we sped away.

"You owe me 75 cents for those bottles!" The hobo lady yelled...I didn't care I closed the trunk on myself and Emmett began to drive away…well at least no one could push me out the window now…..

**Authors note: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW (=**


	56. Black friday

**Authors note: I know I haven't written in sooo long and honestly I am sorry I just haven't really felt up to it, nothing crazy has really happened to get me in the mood but now the holiday spirit has kind of taken over and I figured, what the hell…so here we go again (=**

**(Emmett's POV)**

After Edward finally managed to escape from the crazy homeless lady's clutches we were all going to look for another person to seduce until we passed by Wal-Mart and I realized something. 

I could tell Alice noticed too, as I saw the anticipation building in her crazy pixy eyes. "OMFG you guys it's black Friday!" I yelled, making a u turn right in the middle of the street to get back in the direction of the store. I think we may have hit someone, but honestly it didn't matter, this was too important.

"Oh no….." Bella sighed, leaning her head into Jacob's chest in utter despair. Edward was still in the trunk, but if he has seen this you know he'd have been pissed!

"Bella lighten up this is like my favorite day of the whole effing year!" Alice yelled practically ripping Bella's head off with excitement. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Where to first?" She jumped, starting to get out of the car, which by the way was still moving.

"Um honey…you do know that's Wal-Mart your running to, 'the place of all evil?'" Jasper quoted.

"Your point?" Alice asked, barely even stopping to turn around.

"Well umm…don't you, you know…hate it?" He questioned.

"Well normally I'd have to say yes, but considering the circumstances of such an amazing sale I'll just have to suffer for my art." She sighed.

That was one of the things I would never understand about Alice, how the hell could shopping possibly be considered art, a sport, her glory, and what made the world go round? Sometimes she could just be so ridiculous, but then again what was I saying, there were presents to be bought!

"Were going to need to make a list", Alice yelled, stealing paper from a pedestrian.

"Can I be in charge of toys!" I yelled. "Toys, toys, toys, toys, toys! I love me some good toys!"

"CALM DOWN AND SHUT UP! I'M THINKING!" Alice snapped at me…well geez, I just wanted to be in charge of toys….

After the most agonizing ten minutes of my life Alice finally began to speak. "Were all going to need to buy a present for each other but I feel we should do some sort of secret Santa type thing." She said.

"Don't be ridiculous Alice, we all know Santa's not real, duh." I sighed. Oh stupid, stupid Alice.

"I'm not an ignoramus Emmett, Santa lies inside the hearts and spirits of all of us." She remarked.

"So your saying I ate Santa?" I cried, clutching my stomach in utter despair. "I'm so sorry Santa, we'll get you out some how."

"Uhhh Emmett, your one of the dumbest people I've ever met and I've been around for almost 200 years!"

"Well gosh, don't be a cranky old bat." I sighed. "Not my fault you're old as fuck."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that for the good of black Friday…and your well being." She said, getting back to her list idea Santa eating crisis thing. "As I was saying earlier, I think it'd be best if we all drew names out of a hat to see who we shop for." Alice said.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Jacob intervened, "You know that shit never works. I always get Edward or Blondie and life always ends up terrible." I had to admit, he wasn't lying.

"Fine", Alice sighed, unhappily changing plans. "How about we each get a present for everyone, that way no one will feel pressured to just shop for one person and everyone will have tons of gifts."

"I guess that'd be ok…." I agreed, everyone else nodded or groaned…this family wasn't exactly the most spirited one.

"Ok, well now that that's settled time to get in line." Alice smiled, skipping off. I was about to join in when Bella spoke up.

"Alice…it's 10pm, black Friday doesn't even start till the morning." She yawned, stupid humans…always getting tired.

"I know, but we must get a good place in line."

"Oh god, were camping out aren't we?" Jake sighed, looking over at Bella. They both shared the same annoyed expression.

"Well…us vampires don't really have to sleep…" Alice butted in.

"Us humans and wolf/humans do." Bella sighed grabbing Jake's hand. "Come on, let's go."

"Not so fast!" Edward yelled, jumping out from a corner like one of those lame crime fighting super heroes on those damn kiddy shows.

"Where the hell were you all this time?" I asked.

"You locked the trunk!" He yelled.

"Woops…" I muttered as I guiltily turned away, now remembering.

"I'll get to you later." He glared at me, then turned to Jake and Bella. "You're staying right here" He said sternly.

"You can't tell me what to do!" She yelled, then began making out with Jake as some odd attempt at rebellion. Edward looked extremely upset. Stupid, stupid Edward…you knew he had that one coming…damn, it must be good to be the dog right now; he always gets to have all the fun…pets.

Before Edward could even think about prying them apart Alice beat him to it. "Stop with this bull, we have shopping to do! Get in line, get in line, get in line!" She yelled, spanking them…They both let out odd yelps. Jake's sounded like a puppy, much to be expected…he must be an interesting sex partner.

Anyway though, after that we all got in line. It was quite strange, shopping didn't start for almost 6/7 hours, yet the line just to be let into the store was around the freaking store!

Being in line was kind of boring though, I had to think of something fun to do. First I got a cart and wheeled it all the way down and all the way back through the line, that was going great until I hit into a little old lady and a child sooo…I had to stop.

After that I decided to pick fights with random people, but that got boring extremely fast so then I just came back to Alice and see if it was almost time yet.

"Is it time yet, is it time yet, is it time yet?" I yelled jumping up and down, I got so hyper when I was bored.

"Emmett…." Alice sighed.

"...Yes?"

"It's been exactly 4 minutes!" She yelled, damn she was being snappy today.

"You snap like an alligator!" I laughed. "alligator, alligator, alligator." She didn't seem happy with my statement so I changed the subject. "So….we are allowed to shop on black Friday right?" I asked.

"Of course. What kind of dumb question is that?" Alice sighed.

"Well…it's just, isn't this Jacob's holiday…I mean were not part of the black family." I stated.

"Oh god Emmett just shut the fuck up!" Alice yelled. "Please don't make me have to get the duct tape."

"What? You know it's true! OMG or are we related to Jacob?...We are all God's children so were like brothers and sisters…."

**Authors note: if I get reviews I'll write more….if not then I wont. Tell me what you got black Friday! (=**


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